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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 7:09 am 
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And I would like to add that we can't win anyway: for a while I kept my profile active without doing much to it, and I got 4-5 messages a week. Some were stupid "hi how r u" which I ignored, some where proper messages from people I wasn't interested in after looking at their profiles, so I would answer "Thanks but no thanks". And I got messages back to the tone of "Stop wasting my time then!"... So no way to win.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 7:32 am 
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I just had to delete a profile I had on penpal site which I actually used to use for actually finding, you know, penpals. I only got weird "h r u? u seem cute!" mails.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 7:46 am 
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I actually have a date tonight, with a vegan. It's my first time doing this, so it's pretty exciting :)

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 8:13 am 
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Imogen wrote:
I just want to say I think it's pretty creepy that you keep a fake profile on a dating site. Also, I don't think it's a "competition" - I'm not on there because I definitely want to meet a future partner on there, I just think it's a different way of talking to and meeting new people that I might have something in common with.

I get around 1-2 messages a day from new people on OKC, and I ignore most of them, generally because either they've said something pretty offensive/rude, the message has obviously been copy/pasted, or I've looked at the message and their profile and just don't think we'd have anything in common.


I can't deny that it might be pretty creepy having this fake profile. I opened one in order to see and try to understand how things are for the ones on the other side of the coin. I didn't think of it as a competition at the beginning, I just used to think that I was not getting almost any responses because I was an unattractive, worthless, etc. guy. The fake profile made me realize that for a guy it is a big competition. With such an uneven distribution a perfect scenario would have 1 happy guy with a girl and 14 with nothing.
While one side passively gets some daily attention(probably not the expected attention) the other side is actively competing, putting energy and effort and being rejected on daily basis. That's the reality of okc in this region.

It is really easy to judge and think bad and nasty things about the ones on the other side of the coin. I do not want to do that, I want to believe that everybody is genuinely nice and good, that everybody is doing its best and what is right through their own perspective.
Of course all these frustration sometimes makes me want to fight and judge the ones at other side; but in fact what I truly deeply want is to reciprocate: love, respect, appreciate, understand, listen and accept them as they are(some little teasing won't hurt :-P).
So I opened that fake account in order to open my perspective a little bit, trying to confirm my believe that these ones on the other side of the coin have been rejecting me and putting me down, not because they get pleasure out of it, but because they just as me, through their own perspective and with their own resources are doing their best to go through this world doing what seems to be right. And at the end, deeply they want the same thing from me as I want from them.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 8:37 am 
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worldrunner79 wrote:
Imogen wrote:
I just want to say I think it's pretty creepy that you keep a fake profile on a dating site. Also, I don't think it's a "competition" - I'm not on there because I definitely want to meet a future partner on there, I just think it's a different way of talking to and meeting new people that I might have something in common with.

I get around 1-2 messages a day from new people on OKC, and I ignore most of them, generally because either they've said something pretty offensive/rude, the message has obviously been copy/pasted, or I've looked at the message and their profile and just don't think we'd have anything in common.


I can't deny that it might be pretty creepy having this fake profile. I opened one in order to see and try to understand how things are for the ones on the other side of the coin. I didn't think of it as a competition at the beginning, I just used to think that I was not getting almost any responses because I was an unattractive, worthless, etc. guy. The fake profile made me realize that for a guy it is a big competition. With such an uneven distribution a perfect scenario would have 1 happy guy with a girl and 14 with nothing.
While one side passively gets some daily attention(probably not the expected attention) the other side is actively competing, putting energy and effort and being rejected on daily basis. That's the reality of okc in this region.

I'm going to be honest, this is really Nice Guy(tm)-ish.

For one thing, most of the attention I get is either disrespectful or it's clear they didn't actually read my profile. For another, I send messages and, I guess, "get rejected" though I don't think of it that way.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 8:42 am 
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j-dub wrote:
I'm going to be honest, this is really Nice Guy(tm)-ish.

For one thing, most of the attention I get is either disrespectful or it's clear they didn't actually read my profile. For another, I send messages and, I guess, "get rejected" though I don't think of it that way.


Yes, that was what I was going to say.

I think of it as: I send out messages to strangers on the internet, and sometimes they don't respond to those messages. And that's fine.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 9:11 am 
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j-dub wrote:
worldrunner79 wrote:

I can't deny that it might be pretty creepy having this fake profile. I opened one in order to see and try to understand how things are for the ones on the other side of the coin. I didn't think of it as a competition at the beginning, I just used to think that I was not getting almost any responses because I was an unattractive, worthless, etc. guy. The fake profile made me realize that for a guy it is a big competition. With such an uneven distribution a perfect scenario would have 1 happy guy with a girl and 14 with nothing.
While one side passively gets some daily attention(probably not the expected attention) the other side is actively competing, putting energy and effort and being rejected on daily basis. That's the reality of okc in this region.

I'm going to be honest, this is really Nice Guy(tm)-ish.

For one thing, most of the attention I get is either disrespectful or it's clear they didn't actually read my profile. For another, I send messages and, I guess, "get rejected" though I don't think of it that way.


Can you explain why do you think this is really Nice Guy(tm)-ish?


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 9:23 am 
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These articles might help:

http://jezebel.com/5972788/no-one-is-en ... of-okcupid
http://jezebel.com/5838994/a-field-guide-to-nice-guys

ETA: And this one: http://www.newstatesman.com/laurie-penn ... s-ok-cupid

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:16 am 
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Imogen wrote:


Nope sorry I do not identify myself or my comments with those articles.... nor with this:

http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Nice_guy_syndrome...

And my profile on okc also has nothing to do with that. I understand perfectly that nobody is oblige to reply to any of the messages I send, the limit might be different from person to person but I'm sure that at some point of not getting any reply back no matter who you are, at some moment you will feel some frustration. I choose to get a better understanding on the situation before making any judgment. I've no idea how that makes someone a Nice Guy(tm)-ish.

Anyway if I'm giving that impression thanks for telling, I'll see what I can do to change it because I do not see myself identified with that.
I admit I might be a little desperate at the moment to get some friends and people to hang out, and probably also to find a partner because in theory we would stay together, even when all our friends have to move to some other side of the world, which happened to me this year and do not want to live that again.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:45 am 
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Here are two recent okc happenings for me:

1. A guy sent me a message who apparently was a customer at the cafe I work at. In his message he mentioned seeing me there. I looked at his profile from my phone, while I was at work, and didn't respond (because I WAS AT WORK), and he sent me a really sarcastic and defensive message an hour later about how I didn't respond. Ugh.

2. I am going on an okc date tomorrow with a guy from work. He's super nice and seems interesting... but you may know from the crush thread that I am super smitten with another guy at work (it's complicated). So... I don't know if I'm excited about the date or not.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:48 am 
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Worldrunner79, I'm not getting an entitlement vibe from you, and as an expat myself, I can appreciate the loneliness that comes from trying to meet people in a new place. When I first came over to Europe in my 20s, I had the same problem of meeting people, making friends, and then having them all leave to either go home or on to other assignments.

That said, what I do get is a sense of "woe is me" coming from what you write, a sense that you're not happy with yourself and you're afraid of being alone, and the feeling that a relationship would solve all of your problems. And like you're looking for a secret formula for attracting people. (Like how you changed your answer about drinking because Gulliver said something about non-drinkers.) There is no secret formula. Different people are attracted to different things, and you need to be ok with yourself or no one will ever be ok with you. Trying to fill your fear of being alone with a relationship is not a healthy starting point, and also not likely to work.

My unsolicited advice to you would be to spend some time working on yourself, and being comfortable and happy with yourself and actually being ok with being alone. That way when/if you do meet someone, you'll know you are with them because you want to be with them, not because you need them to keep from being alone.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:55 am 
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For what it's worth: if I was looking for someone I'd definitely hope they'd be a non-drinker. My boyfriend actually stopped drinking (and it pains him) because alcohol freaks me out so much.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 11:04 am 
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I think lepelaar's point that there's no one size fits all answer is an important one. I have been trying to word and answer to "do paid sites work?" and have been having a hard time. Because, of course they work. And, of course they don't work. Same with unpaid sites. Same with meeting someone at work. Same with being set up by friends. Same as reconnecting with an old flame. Etc... There's nothing that is foolproof except making sure that you are ready to be the best partner you can be, which includes working out how to solve loneliness without a girlfriend, and then meeting as many people as you can. If match.com is how you do that, great. Either way I really hope you find what you're looking for.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 11:12 am 
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You are right in most of the things lepelaar, there are some details missing but I do not want to bore people to dead with them.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 1:05 pm 
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j-dub wrote:
I'm going to be honest, this is really Nice Guy(tm)-ish.

For one thing, most of the attention I get is either disrespectful or it's clear they didn't actually read my profile. For another, I send messages and, I guess, "get rejected" though I don't think of it that way.

I wanted to clarify two things. First, by "disrespectful" I more meant things that indicate zero compatibility outside of their apparent physical attraction, which is fine but not at all what I'm interested in and I've made that clear in my profile. I just realized it sounded like I was getting a lot of insults or something.

Second, what rings my Nice Guy bell is the idea that relationships/dating/sex are easy-breezy for women and that all we've got to do is have a pulse in order to get laid while men need to x, y, z in order to even have barely a shot at talking to a woman. It's reductionist, it's insulting, and it's not true for the vast, vast majority of women.

Plus, the idea that getting messages that run the gamut between "you clearly did not even glance at my profile" to "okay, this is straight up harassment" is a positive in women's lives is just silly.

I once read something like "my favourite ice cream flavour is mint chocolate chip. To me there's nothing better. But for a lot of people they just can't understand the allure of mint-chip. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with mint-chip, just that they're not oriented in a way to understand its many charms. I'm mint-chip. I'm wonderful for those who love me but some people will always choose butter pecan. And that's okay!"

I remind myself of that if/when I'm getting down on the whole dating thing. I'm very outspoken, have quite radical politics, and don't put up with shiitake. A lot of people don't understand my allure but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 2:26 pm 
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j-dub I agree with you in your second point completely it is not easy for the vast vast majority of guys and as well it isn't easy for the vast vast majority of women.
And to my opinion this has to do mostly with the miscommunication and misinterpretations we have between each other, thanks to all the misinformation we receive from everywhere, the lack of understanding of each other combined with lots of mixed and contradictory feelings and emotions that we might have towards each other.
That is the reason I tried to seek better understanding. It was precisely to avoid jumping into insulting, reductionist and wrong conclusions(which is the easiest thing to do).

Anyway I'll say it again: Lepelaar, more or less got it right, if I got a little bit more sensitive, desperate and frustrated about these issues lately than usual, it has to do with some other problems. And I completely agree that entering in a relationship is not the solution to them, and that it wouldn't be fair for a partner to help me deal with these problems.(Still I believe that a close friend or a relationship could help me gain some perspective in order to find a way out of it, because right now I'm feeling trapped)


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 7:32 pm 
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So the date tonight was nice and I think we'll be meeting up again with any luck :)

However, when I got home (maybe slightly tipsy) and turned on the internet-whatsit, I found a message from someone who's messaged me before, and who I don't feel like I have anything much in common with and have therefore not responded, saying:

Quote:
hello, i realise i've messaged before and this is probably not going to work but dmanit, i'm a tryer..ish lol so you know how are you? =)


Am I overreacting to think this is a little bit creepy?

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:02 pm 
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I think it's not creepy in theory... but it sounds like you might have already got a creepy vibe from him to start maybe? I could see that message being creepy from one person, but cute from someone else.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 5:10 am 
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lepelaar wrote:

My unsolicited advice to you would be to spend some time working on yourself, and being comfortable and happy with yourself and actually being ok with being alone. That way when/if you do meet someone, you'll know you are with them because you want to be with them, not because you need them to keep from being alone.

I think that is quite unrealistic advice. The need for relatedness is a very basic need for most people.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 6:14 am 
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Shamini wrote:
lepelaar wrote:

My unsolicited advice to you would be to spend some time working on yourself, and being comfortable and happy with yourself and actually being ok with being alone. That way when/if you do meet someone, you'll know you are with them because you want to be with them, not because you need them to keep from being alone.

I think that is quite unrealistic advice. The need for relatedness is a very basic need for most people.


Of course it's a basic need. Homo sapiens is a social species. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting companionship. But I don't agree that my advice is unrealistic. Learning to be comfortable on your own and wanting to relate with people are not mutually exclusive. But being ok with yourself and being ok with being alone puts you in a stronger/healthier situation from which to do that.

When I was younger, I was so desperate for a relationship that I put up with some epically painful bullshiitake because someone agreed to be with me and I was afraid of being alone. Then I spent a lot of time working on being happy with myself and being happy on my own, and now I know that I wouldn't put up with a lot of shiitake just to be in a relationship. (And the same goes for friendships.) And that I'm in the relationship I'm in because I want to be with this person, not because I need to be in a relationship because I'm afraid to be alone.

I know a lot of people who have gone through a similar process, so yeah... It might be hard, but it's not unrealistic.

ETA: Not being comfortable with yourself/being alone can also lead to a sense of desperation in the search for companionship, which also tends to be counterproductive.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 7:20 am 
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I know I've posted this before, but in light of the conversation, I couldn't resist posting it again. Because it is beautiful and awesome.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 8:32 am 
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Imogen wrote:
So the date tonight was nice and I think we'll be meeting up again with any luck :)

However, when I got home (maybe slightly tipsy) and turned on the internet-whatsit, I found a message from someone who's messaged me before, and who I don't feel like I have anything much in common with and have therefore not responded, saying:

Quote:
hello, i realise i've messaged before and this is probably not going to work but dmanit, i'm a tryer..ish lol so you know how are you? =)


Am I overreacting to think this is a little bit creepy?


I don't know if I'd say creepy or persistent/desperate. If you're creeped though, follow your gut!

Lepelaar: I agree with you 100%; it's why I deactivated my match account. Plus, I think being happy with yourself, being able to be alone, and having interests is much more attractive!

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Last edited by ndpittman on Sat Oct 12, 2013 8:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 8:33 am 
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New peeve: people (though I've only noticed guys) who open their profile with some iteration of "Trying out this online dating thing." Really? So we're not collaboratively building a rocket-ship here? I always think it speaks to an attitude of "online dating is for losers but I guess I'll try it" which is incredibly unappealing. Plus, it's boring.

Another peeve: Very little info in a profile with "if you want to know more message me." I just can't imagine that works. I don't care enough about a basically empty profile to ask you what your favourite movies are. Plus, I don't really care what your favourite movies are. Don't make me work to see if I have any sort of attraction to you, cause I simply won't.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 9:07 am 
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j-dub wrote:
New peeve: people (though I've only noticed guys) who open their profile with some iteration of "Trying out this online dating thing." Really? So we're not collaboratively building a rocket-ship here? I always think it speaks to an attitude of "online dating is for losers but I guess I'll try it" which is incredibly unappealing. Plus, it's boring.

Another peeve: Very little info in a profile with "if you want to know more message me." I just can't imagine that works. I don't care enough about a basically empty profile to ask you what your favourite movies are. Plus, I don't really care what your favourite movies are. Don't make me work to see if I have any sort of attraction to you, cause I simply won't.

YEEEEES to both of these. I have no qualms about sending the first message, but I need something to say in it!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 9:53 am 
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To reply to lepelaar's video, I love it, I've been doing all the things shown in the video, having dinner, going to the movies, bars, clubs, gym, meditation, running, playing videogames without having anybody nagging me about it, etc. for years, and I've been working on myself for years, facing my fears, letting go, observing my emotions and thoughts without buying into them, etc. I like myself and my body, I'm usually in a very good mood. Yet once in a while and it has happened much more lately you ask questions to yourself, is this leading to the life I want to have? is it healthy not opening your mouth to communicate your thoughts, feelings and emotions? Is this life-path leading to my life time dreams and goals? Is this long term solitude helping me to connect better with myself so that I can have better connections with others in the future, or is just creating scar, a shell, a block, a shield that is pushing people away instead of attracting them?

I know already how to be happy alone with myself, it's just that I think I'm doing something wrong with my life, because through my perspective the path I'm leading right now, is taking me away from some very important life time dreams and goals, and those dreams and goals include having one day my own family and a social life.


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