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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2014 9:22 pm 
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So I posted above...and things with the boy are going so swimmingly. Two dates, two more planned, and we already decided to disable our accounts.

I can't believe it worked! And so soon. He's dreamy.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2014 1:49 pm 
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Does anyone else geel afraid that the people they like talking to will turn out to be misogynists or anti-feminist or something that's a deal-breaker? There are a lot of questions on OKCupid that can help point out deal-breakers to me, but that doesn't help when a lot of people haven't answered any questions!


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2014 10:57 pm 
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Oh god guys, I might be making plans to meet someone on OkCupid. Because girls who spend hours reading the tumblr of the girl who dumped them eight days ago and crying are hot commodities on the internet, I hear.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 12:03 am 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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strawberryrock wrote:
Oh god guys, I might be making plans to meet someone on OkCupid. Because girls who spend hours reading the tumblr of the girl who dumped them eight days ago and crying are hot commodities on the internet, I hear.



I'm proud of you for getting back out there, SR. It's been almost 9 months for me and I have no desire to date ever again.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 3:52 am 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
strawberryrock wrote:
Oh god guys, I might be making plans to meet someone on OkCupid. Because girls who spend hours reading the tumblr of the girl who dumped them eight days ago and crying are hot commodities on the internet, I hear.



I'm proud of you for getting back out there, SR. It's been almost 9 months for me and I have no desire to date ever again.


I don't know if it's a thing to be proud of! 100% of my being just wants to be with her. I don't want anyone else. But when the person who I want to be with more than I have wanted anything else ever doesn't want to be with me...it feels nice to have some random internet person want me, anyway.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 10:59 pm 
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I deactivated my okc account a while back because I was just so annoyed with it. Most of the messages I was getting were from dudes I'd never in a million years meet up with. Then, I was so apathetic about it that I wasn't even responding to the tiny amount of dudes who actually seemed pretty cool.

Anyway, I reactivated it tonight in a moment of weakness... and found that not only is one of my work customer crushes on there now... but he's vegan! We've been chatting tonight and he seems pretty sweet. OOOH!!!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 5:43 pm 
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Can't Dance, Isn't Part of Revolution
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Someone here could help me with tips, advices or anything on how to meet people online?
I've the feeling that I'm not doing something right over there.

I find it really hard to believe, that me, a short guy with average looks, even in the most snobbish and materialistic bars and clubs almost always receives attention from physically attractive women, who turn out to have nothing in common with me :( ... ( not happy to admit it but I go a lot to those types of places because nobody replies to my online messages and I think is healthier to go out and try to socialize, than to stay home playing videogames)

...and in okcupid with women that seem to have a lot in common with me and have a match of 80% or higher, I rarely get a reply... and in the rare occasion that I get one 99% of the cases is something like: "thank you for the message but I'm not interested in talking to you".

So my guess and hope is that I'm doing something wrong which is beyond my awareness.
Any advice, suggestion, hint, or whatever would be super great.
Big thanks in advance.

P.S. Before anybody here attacks me, I do NOT want to trick or/and Manipulate anybody into making them believe that I'm prince Charming, and also would never use any act of kindness as a currency to get something else later in return. I just want to be able to send a right message in order to get the opportunity to meet another person and see how things evolve after that.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 5:54 pm 
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Your P.S. should give you a clue - you are defensive! If your online dating profile reads like the above post, potential matches might be picking up on a defensive vibe. Your post above says you want advice and tips, but then pretty much berates people pre-emptively for attacking you. You can't ask for advice and then tell people what to tell you. That doesn't make a good impression on me here, so my first thought is maybe some of that tone is spilling into your dating profile.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 7:00 pm 
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Also, you can feel free to post your actual profile here and ask for some specific advice/curating. We've done that kind of thing plenty of times!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 12:10 am 
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For what it's worth, worldrunner, I didn't find your PS overly defensive. There are people who do try to trick/manipulate others and use kindness as currency. So I understand why you'd want to distance yourself from that kind of person.

I got some good responses by asking for recommendations for books or music if they are into the same genres as me. And I usually started the message with a quick joke related to something written in their profile.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 2:25 am 
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broseph wrote:
And I usually started the message with a quick joke related to something written in their profile.

q: why did the person message the other cute person?
a: because I am so, so, SO lonely please talk to me

ho ho ho! gets 'em every time!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 2:47 am 
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Has Isa on speed dial

Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 7:12 am
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worldrunner79 wrote:
Someone here could help me with tips, advices or anything on how to meet people online?
I've the feeling that I'm not doing something right over there.

I find it really hard to believe, that me, a short guy with average looks, even in the most snobbish and materialistic bars and clubs almost always receives attention from physically attractive women, who turn out to have nothing in common with me :( ... ( not happy to admit it but I go a lot to those types of places because nobody replies to my online messages and I think is healthier to go out and try to socialize, than to stay home playing videogames)

...and in okcupid with women that seem to have a lot in common with me and have a match of 80% or higher, I rarely get a reply... and in the rare occasion that I get one 99% of the cases is something like: "thank you for the message but I'm not interested in talking to you".

So my guess and hope is that I'm doing something wrong which is beyond my awareness.
Any advice, suggestion, hint, or whatever would be super great.
Big thanks in advance.

P.S. Before anybody here attacks me, I do NOT want to trick or/and Manipulate anybody into making them believe that I'm prince Charming, and also would never use any act of kindness as a currency to get something else later in return. I just want to be able to send a right message in order to get the opportunity to meet another person and see how things evolve after that.


Sorry you're finding it tough. It could just be that the women you're writing to are already corresponding with someone, or that they spot a mismatch in one of your answers, etc - you might not be doing anything wrong in your approach.

Personally I never respond to a 'like' or one-line, generic message. I like messages which make it clear that the person has actually read my profile and which respond to something we have in common. Also those that have a question I can respond to (again, related to something in my profile), so I don't have to agonise over how to reply!


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 11:06 am 
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jennyc wrote:
Personally I never respond to a 'like' or one-line, generic message. I like messages which make it clear that the person has actually read my profile and which respond to something we have in common. Also those that have a question I can respond to (again, related to something in my profile), so I don't have to agonise over how to reply!


Ditto to this. I think it has been mentioned in this thread before, but it's also important to remember that women receive SO MANY more messages on okc than men do, on average. So without a profile or message that really stands out, chances of response go way down.

On a personal note, I've been corresponding with an adorable local vegan (who I have noticed before outside of okc, but had never talked to), and we will be meeting up this week! Eep!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 2:16 pm 
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takecare wrote:
I think it has been mentioned in this thread before, but it's also important to remember that women receive SO MANY more messages on okc than men do, on average.

I agree. The way to get more messages is to change your gender setting to female.

I feel like I'm a pretty good catch but back when I was single I was never able to get dates either. One of my female friends could log onto my account and get me a date pretty fast though. I think it's hard to get into the perspective of a female as a man. I also didn't find your PS defensive, but that's two guys agreeing with you so that doesn't say much. Part of the problem is that most of the women dating online get a LOT of messages so the trick that worked for my friend getting me dates was to instant message or chat instead of sending passive messages. I think there are a lot of women that will prioritize chatting and other things that need an instant response before anything more passive so maybe try that more often?

I would also look for people willing to meet and date pretty fast. I don't know how common it is but there are probably a decent amount of people that will have conversations for weeks or months that don't go anywhere. I don't think you need to spend a lot of time talking before meeting, but I could be wrong. Others here may have more insight on that than me.

PS It's also important to keep perspective. Dating and finding a job are numbers games. You apply to 100, get just a couple of interviews, and hope something works out. I think even getting a 10% response rate would be good.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 2:37 pm 
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Tigon wrote:
Part of the problem is that most of the women dating online get a LOT of messages so the trick that worked for my friend getting me dates was to instant message or chat instead of sending passive messages. I think there are a lot of women that will prioritize chatting and other things that need an instant response before anything more passive so maybe try that more often?


I could be in the minority here, but I have never ever ever responded to an instant message from someone I haven't already been happily exchanging messages with. I'm actually really surprised that this tactic has worked so often.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 2:46 pm 
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Tigon wrote:
I feel like I'm a pretty good catch but back when I was single I was never able to get dates either. One of my female friends could log onto my account and get me a date pretty fast though. I think it's hard to get into the perspective of a female as a man. I also didn't find your PS defensive, but that's two guys agreeing with you so that doesn't say much. Part of the problem is that most of the women dating online get a LOT of messages so the trick that worked for my friend getting me dates was to instant message or chat instead of sending passive messages. I think there are a lot of women that will prioritize chatting and other things that need an instant response before anything more passive so maybe try that more often?


See, that's exactly the opposite of what would work for me. In fact, I turned off my chat function within hours of opening an OKC account because I felt like I was bombarded with "Hey baby. How U doin'?" messages when I just wanted to look around at my ease. But I also turned off chat on FB and gmail right away too, so I may not be a great barometer for this.

I will say that I find it creepy that you had a female friend posing as you to get you dates. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it strikes me as manipulative and dishonest and unfair to the women you corresponded with that way.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 2:56 pm 
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takecare wrote:
Tigon wrote:
Part of the problem is that most of the women dating online get a LOT of messages so the trick that worked for my friend getting me dates was to instant message or chat instead of sending passive messages. I think there are a lot of women that will prioritize chatting and other things that need an instant response before anything more passive so maybe try that more often?


I could be in the minority here, but I have never ever ever responded to an instant message from someone I haven't already been happily exchanging messages with. I'm actually really surprised that this tactic has worked so often.

I never respond to instant messages either and I turned off chat after getting so many IMs.

Tigon wrote:
I would also look for people willing to meet and date pretty fast. I don't know how common it is but there are probably a decent amount of people that will have conversations for weeks or months that don't go anywhere. I don't think you need to spend a lot of time talking before meeting, but I could be wrong. Others here may have more insight on that than me.

PS It's also important to keep perspective. Dating and finding a job are numbers games. You apply to 100, get just a couple of interviews, and hope something works out. I think even getting a 10% response rate would be good.


I would much rather meet someone right away than talk to them for awhile. Also, I don't respond to messages when there is something in their profile or one of their questions/photos is a deal breaker (e.g., a photo of the guy fishing or hunting, all he talks about is eating meat, or if bacon is in one of their things I could never do without spot). Admitting my shallowness: I also don't respond if it is someone who I don't find attractive at all.

I send a lot of messages to guys and I don't let it get me down when they don't respond to me. They just aren't interested in either talking to me or meeting me! I agree with the numbers game statement as well and that a 10% response rate is pretty good.

I am getting bored of OKC again though. In my town it is the same few guys and quite a few of them are my friends (and not people that I would date).

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:09 pm 
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lepelaar wrote:
I will say that I find it creepy that you had a female friend posing as you to get you dates. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it strikes me as manipulative and dishonest and unfair to the women you corresponded with that way.

It's only because of my giant nose that I stand behind her letting her do the talking. Kidding. I don't think I "had a friend doing this for me" as much as she saw me on OKC and said I was doing it wrong, then started chatting with someone I was going to message and got me a date that night. She did that a couple times. She basically said hi and want to go to dinner from what I remember. It was many years ago.

Anyway, I never had much success so I'd listen to everyone else's advice before mine. Try a few things out and let us know what works. I was a lot more successful dating people I met through social groups and hobbies like sports or local vegan meetups.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:38 pm 
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i found my girlfriend online! true story :) . Okcupid can be challenging at times, true wierdos out there. But you just gotta keep talking to people and eventually you will find the right one. On my profile I said I was vegan and my gf is not but she definitely is supportive and accommodates when we go out to restaurants. So kind of a win? :)


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:50 pm 
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Just to chime in with the others and say that I also prefer not to use the instant messaging (same on Facebook), and prefer to meet up sooner rather than later as it's better to find out if the chemistry's there or not.

Going back to the original question from worldrunner79, if the problem is that you're not getting the initial response to your first message I'd suggest making sure you've got something in your profile that someone can easily respond to - eg. a picture of you in an interesting place, a reference to a place/hobby that she could ask you more about. Whenever I get a message I go and check out the profile, and sometimes I feel like there isn't enough of an 'in' to get a conversation going.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 4:19 pm 
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Tigon wrote:
PS It's also important to keep perspective. Dating and finding a job are numbers games. You apply to 100, get just a couple of interviews, and hope something works out. I think even getting a 10% response rate would be good.

there's a quality vs quantity thing to consider though :) a job, maybe, you'd compromise on because you have bills. but a partner? you don't have to do that if nothing's up to scratch. it'll come, eventually :)

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 5:36 pm 
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Hi thanks for the advices, I already took notes of some of them.

I understand it is a numbers game but I've been on Okcupid for 8 years, sending a couple of messages a week so have this hunch telling me that probably I'm doing something wrong :-P Of course without any feedback it is very difficult to know what it is...

so I hope you do not mind me pasting my profile over here: (if you do, please feel free to send the complains to mars, it was his idea :-P)

Quote:
My self-summary

Hello stranger,

Thanks for visiting my profile, as you can see and read I'm just an ordinary human being with 10 toes, 10 fingers, 2 eyes and some other 50 trillion of cells.

If you are interested on some random facts:

-Since I was a little kid, I've always said that my favourite colour is green, even though I actually never had a favourite colour.

-I just recently moved to the Netherlands, making it the 4th country that I've lived in.

-If I could travel in time and meet any person in history I think it would be fun to talk to Siddhārtha Gautama.

-One of my dreams is to spend my retirement years competing as a world class runner on my age group.


What I’m doing with my life

Studying a PhD.


I’m really good at

Come on!!!

My sense of decency does not allow me to talk about it over here :-P

Actually the answer to this section is something very relative, nevertheless I would like to believe that I've been very good so far at standing up and moving forward.


The first things people usually notice about me

Some of the comments I've heard from random people and close friends.

"You've such a positive energy makes me want to eat you"
"You are so forking ugly!"
"I do not know anybody with more will power"
"Your pupils are dilated and that smile are you under Ecstasy?"
"You are just to good to be true"
"I like you, I always see you in good mood"
"You are as cute as a teddy bear"

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Books:
The Fundation Saga, Asimov
The end of eternity, Asimov
Catch 22, Heller
The Luck Factor, Wiseman
Brave New World Revisited, Huxley
Asterix, Goscinny
etc

Movies:
Contact, Brazil, Chungking Express, Fight Club, Trainspotting, PI, Back to the Future, Inception, Prisoners, Truman show, there are really a lot.

TV Shows:
The Simpsons, South Park, House MD, The Mentalist, The IT Crowd, Trick of the Mind, The Big Bang Theory, Seinfeld, Saved by the bell, there are to many that I like.

Music:
I used to be very picky about music and my favorite genres were:
Classical, Ethereal, New age, Gothic, Progressive Rock, Metal, Industrial, etc.
Nowadays I can enjoy anything.

Food:
I decided to stop sponsoring animal torture, so I'm doing my best to avoid as much animal products as possible.


The six things I could never do without

Food,
Water,
Sleep,
Running shoes,
Sunblock,
and a magic wand to get everything I want.


I spend a lot of time thinking about

How to stop you from picturing a white elephant covered with red dots.

On a typical Friday night I am

cutting petals out of flowers wondering if "you love me" or "you love me not"

or

dancing

or

sleeping "early" getting ready for a race.


The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I do not need alcohol to make a fool out of myself

I’m looking for
•Girls who like guys
•Ages 21–44
•Near me

• For new friends, long-term dating

You should message me if

You want to win $1 000 000 !


Any comments, suggestions and even insults are highly appreciated :)


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 5:49 pm 
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Fair trade, organic mistletoe
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I went through your profile and put a few comments in in red. Of course, we may be looking for very different things in life so my feedback may or may not be helpful.

worldrunner79 wrote:
Hi thanks for the advices, I already took notes of some of them.

I understand it is a numbers game but I've been on Okcupid for 8 years, sending a couple of messages a week so have this hunch telling me that probably I'm doing something wrong :-P Of course without any feedback it is very difficult to know what it is...

so I hope you do not mind me pasting my profile over here: (if you do, please feel free to send the complains to mars, it was his idea :-P)

Quote:
My self-summary
I think this section doesn't give as good a sense of who you are as you think it does writing it from the vantage point of knowing yourself.
Hello stranger,

Thanks for visiting my profile, as you can see and read I'm just an ordinary human being with 10 toes, 10 fingers, 2 eyes and some other 50 trillion of cells.

If you are interested on some random facts:

-Since I was a little kid, I've always said that my favourite colour is green, even though I actually never had a favourite colour.

-I just recently moved to the Netherlands, making it the 4th country that I've lived in.

-If I could travel in time and meet any person in history I think it would be fun to talk to Siddhārtha Gautama.

-One of my dreams is to spend my retirement years competing as a world class runner on my age group.


What I’m doing with my life

Studying a PhD. In what?? This is a great place to foster conversation and connection.


I’m really good at

Come on!!!

My sense of decency does not allow me to talk about it over here :-P Personal preference, of course, but I am always, always put off by sexual or quasi-sexual responses to this question

Actually the answer to this section is something very relative, nevertheless I would like to believe that I've been very good so far at standing up and moving forward.


The first things people usually notice about me
I think this section is kind of dumb and not really inviting any serious answers so I would go for something more broad that sums you up and could be a jumping off point. EG mine mentions my smile and my eyes and the fact that my face at rest is read as "angry"--and have gotten a tonne of messages mentioning it.
Some of the comments I've heard from random people and close friends.

"You've such a positive energy makes me want to eat you"
"You are so forking ugly!"
"I do not know anybody with more will power"
"Your pupils are dilated and that smile are you under Ecstasy?"
"You are just to good to be true"
"I like you, I always see you in good mood"
"You are as cute as a teddy bear"

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Books:
The Fundation Saga, Asimov
The end of eternity, Asimov
Catch 22, Heller
The Luck Factor, Wiseman
Brave New World Revisited, Huxley
Asterix, Goscinny
etc

Movies:
Contact, Brazil, Chungking Express, Fight Club, Trainspotting, PI, Back to the Future, Inception, Prisoners, Truman show, there are really a lot.

TV Shows:
The Simpsons, South Park, House MD, The Mentalist, The IT Crowd, Trick of the Mind, The Big Bang Theory, Seinfeld, Saved by the bell, there are to many that I like.

Music:
I used to be very picky about music and my favorite genres were:
Classical, Ethereal, New age, Gothic, Progressive Rock, Metal, Industrial, etc.
Nowadays I can enjoy anything.

Food:
I decided to stop sponsoring animal torture, so I'm doing my best to avoid as much animal products as possible.If you're only seeking vegans it may be okay but if you're open to dating non-vegans this may well be offputting.


The six things I could never do without

Food,
Water,
Sleep,
Running shoes,
Sunblock,
and a magic wand to get everything I want.


I spend a lot of time thinking about

How to stop you from picturing a white elephant covered with red dots.

On a typical Friday night I am

cutting petals out of flowers wondering if "you love me" or "you love me not" I get what you're going for here, but I would be put off by this

or

dancing

or

sleeping "early" getting ready for a race.


The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I do not need alcohol to make a fool out of myself

I’m looking for
•Girls who like guys
•Ages 21–44
•Near me

• For new friends, long-term dating

You should message me if

You want to win $1 000 000 ! This is hilarious. A+


Any comments, suggestions and even insults are highly appreciated :)

_________________
"I'd rather have dried catshit! I'd rather have astroturf! I'd rather have an igloo!"~Isa

"But really, anyone willing to dangle their baby in front of a crocodile is A-OK in my book."~SSD


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 5:58 pm 
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Because Bob Barker Told Me To
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Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:27 pm
Posts: 918
Location: Albany, NY
I agree with most of J-dub's critiques. Especially the sexual innuendoes in the "I'm really good at" space. That actually is close to a dealbreaker for me.

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Departure & Arrival: Photoblog
Navigator, Equator: Personal blog
My freelance writing website
Dear Nora: My cat's advice column (really)


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 6:13 pm 
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Bought A BRAND NEW CAR!
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Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:47 pm
Posts: 2135
Location: Western North Carolina
strawberryrock wrote:
ScooterDiva wrote:
strawberryrock wrote:
Oh god guys, I might be making plans to meet someone on OkCupid. Because girls who spend hours reading the tumblr of the girl who dumped them eight days ago and crying are hot commodities on the internet, I hear.



I'm proud of you for getting back out there, SR. It's been almost 9 months for me and I have no desire to date ever again.


I don't know if it's a thing to be proud of! 100% of my being just wants to be with her. I don't want anyone else. But when the person who I want to be with more than I have wanted anything else ever doesn't want to be with me...it feels nice to have some random internet person want me, anyway.


I know how this feels, as I was there not too long after my last break up. I went out on some OKC dates and got to know people and then I was reallllllly not ready. It seriously took til November (April breakup). Not that you may be the same, but getting out right away seemed like a good boost for a minute, and then people liked me and I wasn't ready for months and months. I felt a little bad, but it was good to have the time, and the boundaries in place.

So, I guess, be ready for it to be something that sounds like a good idea, but then really isn't! It can help with the processing though...

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Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.


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