| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Sun Apr 20, 2014 12:06 pm

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 171 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 7  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:25 pm 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:35 pm
Posts: 6423
Location: Norristown, PA
I'm having a crappy day so I decided to start up the joke thread. Tell me jokes. Make me laugh and/or groan. Bring cheer to me.

_________________
Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:31 pm 
Heeeerrrrree's JACKY!
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:39 pm
Posts: 3602
Location: the Eug
Two fish are swimming upstream when they both hit something solid.

The first fish turns to the second fish and says





"Dam"

_________________
Don't mind my breasts and vagina, I'm a gay man.---Idatetatooedguys.

"Tots: the universal food band-aid... better than a mother's kiss. Healin' wounds since 1954." Meggs


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:03 pm 
Level 7 Vegan
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:15 am
Posts: 1521
Person 1: This girl told me she remembers me from a vegetarian club.
Person 2: Oh, did you go to a vegetarian club?
Person 1: No, I've never seen herbivore!

_________________
"One time I meant to send a potential employer a resume, but I accidentally sent them a bucket of puke!

So embarrassing!" -just mumbles


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:40 am 
Grandfathered In
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:41 pm
Posts: 9176
Location: Seattle
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's really obscure. You wouldn't know about it.




Does that make sense?

_________________
Did somebody say Keep on rockin?


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:41 am 
Impressive boner
User avatar
Online

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:57 pm
Posts: 3863
Location: Nottingham.
Two circus lions attack one of the clowns and start eating him.
One lion says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:09 am 
ol' garly cooch
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:41 pm
Posts: 2826
Location: Kashyyyk
a taxi driver picks up a co-dependent and asks,
"where to?"
the cody answers, "anywhere you're going is fine with me."

seriously folks, i'll be here all week. don't forget to try the pad thai and tip your waitress.

_________________
I'm not dead, just sick.


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:13 am 
Loves Carrots (in the biblical sense)
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:57 am
Posts: 76
Location: Richland, WA
A man walks into a bar with a lizard. He sits at the bar, sets his lizard on the counter, and orders a beer. While the bartender is getting his drink, he says to the man, "What's your friend's name?" to which the man replies, "His name is Steve, but I call him Tiny." The bartender asks, "Why do you do that?" and the man says .... "Because he's my newt!"

(get it? minute ... my newt ... oh it's so funny!!!)


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:15 am 
Keepin' It Seal
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:32 pm
Posts: 3537
Location: Long Island, NY
radioactivegan wrote:
A man walks into a bar with a lizard. He sits at the bar, sets his lizard on the counter, and orders a beer. While the bartender is getting his drink, he says to the man, "What's your friend's name?" to which the man replies, "His name is Steve, but I call him Tiny." The bartender asks, "Why do you do that?" and the man says .... "Because he's my newt!"

(get it? minute ... my newt ... oh it's so funny!!!)

hahahah I got it! (Gotta admit it took me a sec) I love it.

_________________
Blog (that I only really update during VeganMoFo): http://joyfulgirl415.blogspot.com/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:17 am 
Plays The Sims 2 religiously
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:20 pm
Posts: 6766
Location: Portland, OR
FootFace wrote:
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's really obscure. You wouldn't know about it.
Does that make sense?

I heard the answer for this joke was "It's a really obscure number. You wouldn't know about it." I think it makes more sense this way?

_________________
i would schmear marmite on a moist scrotum for Mars. - interrobang?!
"Not everything." ~ mumbles (1973-2013) - mumbles


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:20 am 
Hoards Peppermint Jo-Jos
User avatar
Online

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:26 pm
Posts: 789
Location: Denver
Mars wrote:
FootFace wrote:
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's really obscure. You wouldn't know about it.
Does that make sense?

I heard the answer for this joke was "It's a really obscure number. You wouldn't know about it." I think it makes more sense this way?


Alternately, you can sneer at the person and say "you don't know?" Works best while wearing ripped leggings and tattered cowboy boots.

_________________
Whoa Wren


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:28 am 
Moving To Sheepshead Bay
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:39 pm
Posts: 5719
A piece of string walks into a bar to order a drink. But the bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve pieces of string in this bar!" So the piece of string goes outside, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends, and goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I threw out a minute ago?" and the string says "I'm a frayed knot."


(a frayed knot/ afraid not. It works better told out loud than written down)

_________________
"I'm no elephant, but now I want molasses." -Moon


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:35 am 
And you never will.
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:41 pm
Posts: 3977
Location: Meh-phis
There were two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says: "I didn't know you could drive."

_________________
I'm in a pure mood with poopietits now. Damn her jugs! - interrobang?!
give my you inquiries! and give poopie you burritos. - acr
Sometimes I think, it's really my lack of cybernetic implants that keeps me from being truly human. - Mars


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 11:17 am 
Thinks Plants Have Feelings
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:14 am
Posts: 59
Location: London, UK
Why does Karl Marx drink herbal tea?





Because proper tea is theft!
(property)

I tell that joke to EVERYONE I meet and I laugh loudly every time....
I don't have many friends.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 11:28 am 
Grandfathered In
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:41 pm
Posts: 9176
Location: Seattle
luckyklutz wrote:
Mars wrote:
FootFace wrote:
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's really obscure. You wouldn't know about it.
Does that make sense?

I heard the answer for this joke was "It's a really obscure number. You wouldn't know about it." I think it makes more sense this way?


Alternately, you can sneer at the person and say "you don't know?" Works best while wearing ripped leggings and tattered cowboy boots.


Yeah, both of these are way better than mine.

I blew it.

I'm so stupid!

_________________
Did somebody say Keep on rockin?


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 11:53 am 
Kitchens Planning Manchester
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:12 pm
Posts: 2532
Location: MKE
IKnowHowToWhistle wrote:
Why does Karl Marx drink herbal tea?





Because proper tea is theft!
(property)

I tell that joke to EVERYONE I meet and I laugh loudly every time....
I don't have many friends.

I tell that joke, too! We can be friends <3

my other favorite:
why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan

_________________
"I think I am going to turn into a chickpea." ~Dakini
Love is like a pineapple, sweet and undefinable ~ Piet Hein


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:37 pm 
Dying from Nooch Lung
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:01 am
Posts: 3382
Location: Chandler, AZ
Dumb Jokes!!

How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?

Pass him a joint!


What class did the witch pass in school?

Spelling!

_________________
Half the lies I tell are not true.
"luckily us vegans dont go into cardiac arrest...but we do go into food comas" - Adam Crisis


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:40 pm 
Making Threats to Punks Again
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:22 pm
Posts: 1117
Location: va
What was Mozart's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-na!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:54 pm 
Keepin' It Seal
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:32 pm
Posts: 3537
Location: Long Island, NY
I went through a short phase where I'd copy and paste funny jokes to an email draft so I could save them and look at them later and laugh by myself. I probably got them from the old boards, but they're still funny as hell, so:

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to santa.

Did you hear about the baby born without eyelids? Yeah, they constructed some out of his foreskin. He's just a little cockeyed.

What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH

When gooses fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other?There are more gooses on that side.

What do you call a woman driving a plane? A pilot, you sexist!

Q: Why did Mickey break up with Minnie? A: Because she was forkin' Goofy!

A nun is taking a bath. A knock comes at the door, and she says, "who is it?" The reply: "the blind man." She thinks, oh well, why not. "Come in," she says. A man walks in and says, "nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?"

So two tampons are walking down the street but they are not talking to eachother. Why? They are both stuck up croissants.

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey

Did you hear about the models who went camping? .....They were pretty intense.

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was AWESOME.

A penguin's car was running poorly, so he drove to a garage. The mechanic told him to leave the car and come back in an hour. The penguin ask him if there was a fish & chips place nearby. The mechanic gave him directions. An hour goes by, the penguin returns. The mechanic closes the hood of the penguin's car and says to the penguin, "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin wipes his mouth and says..."nope, tarter sauce".

_________________
Blog (that I only really update during VeganMoFo): http://joyfulgirl415.blogspot.com/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:06 pm 
Invented Vegan Meringue
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:31 pm
Posts: 3890
Location: Graz, Austria
Rach*n wrote:
What was Mozart's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-na!


I didn't get it until my BF suggested Beethoven...?


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:22 pm 
Bathes in Braggs
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:38 am
Posts: 1303
Location: San Francisco, CA
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American flag?


A: well, it would be wrong to urinate on the American flag

-Neil Hamburger

_________________
"oh by the way I'm in this band..."
"Your band sucks."
-Rubella

Blog: http://blogthejerk.blogspot.com/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/mikedesert
Band: http://www.myspace.com/hornssf


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:25 pm 
Bathes in Braggs
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:38 am
Posts: 1303
Location: San Francisco, CA
Q: Why did God invent the Paris Hilton Sex Tape?

A: So that the mentally rhubarbed would have something to stroganoff to

-Neil Hamburger

_________________
"oh by the way I'm in this band..."
"Your band sucks."
-Rubella

Blog: http://blogthejerk.blogspot.com/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/mikedesert
Band: http://www.myspace.com/hornssf


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:43 pm 
Not NOT A Furry
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:16 am
Posts: 502
Location: NJ
joyfulgirl wrote:
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was AWESOME.

I bow to your GENIUS. <3
I feel like I already posted all my good ones on the old board but I'd be happy to rehash them...

There is ONE I never posted on the old board... I'm sorry in advance.

One day this CREEPY, WILD guy gets on the subway, and he starts running up to everybody in the car and threatening them. He's all "I'm going to DIFFERENTIATE YOU!!!" and the people are all "AHHHH!", and running away, because nobody wants to be differentiated, am I right?
He gets even more intense, as people are backing away from him he's cornering them and screaming "I'm going to INTEGRATE YOU, HAHAH!!" and they're like "NOOOOOO!" and they all flee, too!
He keeps threatening everyone in the subway car, and all of them run screaming away until finally there is only one guy left, in the very last seat at the end of the car. The madman runs back to him, waving his arms and laughing "I'm going to DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

No response.

So he tries, "WOOOO, I'm going to INTEGRATE YOOOOU!!"

STILL no response!

He drops his arms and ask the calm man "Why aren't you scared? Everybody else ran away!"
And the man replies "Pfft. I'm e^x."

_________________
...I am an opinionated prick not a problem solver. -matwinser
No one wants to have to hear their ladybits called slackers. -Tofulish

I love those delusional first few minutes of the day where I grossly underestimate my love of sleep. -lurky mclurkerson


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:58 pm 
Loves Carrots (in the biblical sense)
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:57 am
Posts: 76
Location: Richland, WA
Mack the Spork wrote:
joyfulgirl wrote:
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was AWESOME.

I bow to your GENIUS. <3
I feel like I already posted all my good ones on the old board but I'd be happy to rehash them...

There is ONE I never posted on the old board... I'm sorry in advance.

One day this CREEPY, WILD guy gets on the subway, and he starts running up to everybody in the car and threatening them. He's all "I'm going to DIFFERENTIATE YOU!!!" and the people are all "AHHHH!", and running away, because nobody wants to be differentiated, am I right?
He gets even more intense, as people are backing away from him he's cornering them and screaming "I'm going to INTEGRATE YOU, HAHAH!!" and they're like "NOOOOOO!" and they all flee, too!
He keeps threatening everyone in the subway car, and all of them run screaming away until finally there is only one guy left, in the very last seat at the end of the car. The madman runs back to him, waving his arms and laughing "I'm going to DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

No response.

So he tries, "WOOOO, I'm going to INTEGRATE YOOOOU!!"

STILL no response!

He drops his arms and ask the calm man "Why aren't you scared? Everybody else ran away!"
And the man replies "Pfft. I'm e^x."


I have a follow up joke! I love nerdy jokes.

e^x and a constant were walking down an alley, when they notice a differential operator waiting at the end. The constant is terrified and refuses to continue down the alley, lest he become nothing. But e^x says, "Don't worry, buddy. I got this." and heads down to confront the differential operator.

e^x gets to the end of the alley and says, "Hey, buddy. I'm e^x. You don't scare me, why don't you just move along."

The operator looks at him for a moment, smiles wryly and says, "I don't think we've met. I'm d/dy."

hahahahahahah ... oh calculus humor.


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:11 pm 
Making Threats to Punks Again
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:36 pm
Posts: 1126
And to follow up the math jokes, here is an equally intelligent joke.

Why don't anteaters get sick?
They're full of anty-bodies!

_________________
"I will rip out your IV and other roman numerals." - pandacookie
"The one thing I would not do for Aubrey Plaza is harm a baby, by the way." - strawberryrock


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 5:11 pm 
Impressive boner
User avatar
Online

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:57 pm
Posts: 3863
Location: Nottingham.
How do you get 100 pikachus in a Mini?

Poke em on!


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic  [ 171 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 7  Next

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: daisychain, electric_claire, Google [Bot], lepelaar, mrsbadmouth and 13 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer