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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 28, 2013 3:26 am 
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stellamarie wrote:
Yeah, like everyone else said, the only solution would be clear boundaries and plenty of cheaper late night snacks available.


Besides the issue of who uses what, I would also consider to have a good look at his diet. I think that perhaps his eating habits do not match his training schedule, and thus "the need" to bulk up on calories while he should be in bed?
So I´m thinking if he eats more during the day, he won´t have to eat that stuff while he´s half asleep.

(that much maple syrup would probably knock me out from all the sugar in it)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:03 am 
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vijita wrote:
Ha, J will totally snack on the marinating tofu. Snack to the point where that poor tofu will never see the inside of the oven. I don't even bother caring anymore.


That would annoy me. We do keep tortilla chips and peanu butter on hand for my husband. He'll eat a peanut butter sandwich or tortilla chips before bed most nights. I never got that due to not being a night time snacker but he also has a high metabolism which I also don't have.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 29, 2013 3:38 pm 
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T and I had the nicest weekend together. We slept in a little on Saturday and he got up and said, 'I think we should go have an amazing day together!' and we did. We had to go to the next city over for him to get some tires, so we spent the afternoon walking around and stopping into restaurants to have drinks and appetizers. It was nice to get out of town, even if it was only 45 minutes away. Did a lot of talking and laughing...just really great conversations all day long. Then went to a friend's birthday party that evening and on Sunday went to brunch and had a long drive in the country. Sadly, the drive made us both a bit carsick, so we spent the rest of the afternoon laying around and napping, but then got up and had a nice dinner and a chill evening at home. It was just...really awesome and laid back and comfortable and sweet.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:24 am 
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sounds like an awesome day!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 5:06 pm 
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I know I've vented ad nauseam about my ex on here - I just have a "did I do the right thing?" question. When I saw him over the weekend, he was extremely down. He's on an antidepressant at its max dosage that he hasn't been taking, and has a family history of depression and a grandfather who committed suicide. I heard from him today, he said he was "in a bad place", didn't want to talk about it and was deleting his FB account. To me that sent up all kinds of red flags. So I called his best friend at his workplace (I don't have any other contact info for him) and asked him to please check on him. I'm having all kinds of guilt for disturbing his friend at his workplace and wondering if I did the right thing. But if something awful happened to him I would feel terrible.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 5:12 pm 
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It sounds like you did a very caring and kind thing. And in having his friends look after him, rather than trying to do it yourself, it sounds like you did a wise thing as well.

Were you able to find a therapist to help you deal with your feelings about the relationship? It would be good for you to have some support in keeping your focus on your own healing rather than taking care of your ex.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 5:14 pm 
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Thanks tofulish. I've found a therapist but I don't think she's the one for me. She listens but doesn't have a lot to offer me, just basically repeats back the same. So I'm continuing my quest. I appreciate your insight and concern.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 5:15 pm 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
I know I've vented ad nauseam about my ex on here - I just have a "did I do the right thing?" question. When I saw him over the weekend, he was extremely down. He's on an antidepressant at its max dosage that he hasn't been taking, and has a family history of depression and a grandfather who committed suicide. I heard from him today, he said he was "in a bad place", didn't want to talk about it and was deleting his FB account. To me that sent up all kinds of red flags. So I called his best friend at his workplace (I don't have any other contact info for him) and asked him to please check on him. I'm having all kinds of guilt for disturbing his friend at his workplace and wondering if I did the right thing. But if something awful happened to him I would feel terrible.


you definitely did the right thing. I think if there's ever any possibility of someone harming themselves, you just need to do whatever you need to do to get them some help even if it goes against your current situation with him.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 9:02 pm 
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Scoots, that is such the perfectly right thing to do. Don't even question it! Your heart is in the right place entirely.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 1:55 am 
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ack... so i'm pretty new, but i'm wondering if anyone can give me any insight on my situation. from the handful of irl friends i've shared this with, they are very pro-me-moving-on.

so my boyfriend and i had been together for three years. seemingly out of the blue, a few months ago he wanted to go on an indefinite break, citing that he felt the relationship was stale. in the months leading up to this, i had been under a lot of stress due to my mother being in an accident and having to do basic daily things for her and taking care of my grandpa who was terminally ill - i was taking both of them to appointments/the e.r. so often that i had to quit my job, and though i still saw my bf a few times a week, i didn't feel right leaving my mom/grandpa for long periods of time and stopped doing things like staying over at his place for the weekend. so a week after my grandpa's funeral, we are out on a date and he tells me he wants to go on this break - I was totally blindsided, because up until that point, we got along so well. worked on freelance projects together, built furniture together, never really fought, etc. I was really upset but i kept asking him why he thought a break would fix anything when he couldn't even tell me what was wrong, and if it was related to all the things i had gone through recently and how they affected our relationship, he just keeps saying he knows this will fix our relationship.

so fast forward to this week, he wants to meet and talk about us. being upset and hurt that he thought it was perfectly ok to leave me during such a hard time, i didn't contact him during the break at all. after some awkward small talk and a long silence, he says he wants to get back together, and also needs to know if i can go to all these events related to his sister's wedding, where, pre-break i was invited to be a bridesmaid. I tell him the truth, that i don't understand why he's jerking me around and that he's hurt me and made me very upset. I say i can't give him an answer and there are a lot of things that have to be resolved before we do things like get back together and go to a wedding together. silence from him. something makes me feel that the motivation for this meeting was to get final numbers for the wedding.

this morning i get an email saying he doesn't want to "go on with the relationship" but hopes one day "i come around" and we can be friends.

i am just confused as to what happened to the nice, thoughtful person i used to date. did i overreact? is it too much to expect someone to just be there for you when you are dealing with rough shiitake? what he did is awful, right? what the fizzle!?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 2:33 am 
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postnothing wrote:
did i overreact? is it too much to expect someone to just be there for you when you are dealing with rough shiitake? what he did is awful, right? what the fizzle!?

you didn't over-react, if that's honestly how you feel (which is tooootally valid!)

what he did sucks, yeah. but there are always circumstances and reasons why people drift. giving him the benefit of the doubt, I can understand how timing can make things seem worse than they are (you know, like you see in movies - "I was going to break up with him/her, but then they got diagnosed with cancer - how do I not look like an arsehole?").. without knowing more, I don't think anyone can really speak for him. alas. people go on breaks and sometimes it works. people sometimes need space. all of that is totally valid. it's the what-came-next that sucks most of all. you (nor anyone!) deserves to be yo-yo'd around at the desire of another.

I think the best you can hope for at this point is that he respects what you've said, and doesn't try to guilt/manipulate into doing what he wants. he might regret what happened later and sincerely want you back, you know? that seems messy and complicated.

things will get better though. take care of yourself.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 4:38 am 
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Aw man, that sucks. Hugs to you!

If his decision to take a break was motivated by you being a bit distant while caring for family...that tells me he has some growing up to do. Partners are supposed to support each other during stressful times, not disappear when things get complicated, and 3 years is certainty a long enough time together to be able to be there for each other in that way. Not understanding why you'd be hurt by this is also a bit baffling to me. Just going of what you've told us here I'd say if things are really over, you're better off without him. If you do end up back in the relationship, he needs to get his shiitake together and act like an adult, which means being supportive and communicating!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 9:34 am 
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T and I had a big fight last night. I don't really want to go into it because I don't want or need advice on it (we'd been drinking, I pushed some mysterious stress button for him, we screamed at each other for a half hour, then went to bed in separate rooms), but a couple of interesting things came about because of it. He said that he loved me several times during the fight, which is not a usual thing for him. He's generally very low key when it comes to expressing his feelings for me verbally, which I don't mind because his actions usually make up for that. I dunno, I know it's forked up to say that it's good to know that he feels these things when he said them to me while he was mad, but still. The other interesting thing is this: I hate fighting. So much. Whenever I fight with a partner, I tend to think that that means we're breaking up. Yelling makes me really, really upset. So when I got up this morning, I was still feeling really gloom and doom about the whole thing. We're supposed to go camping next weekend and I was supposed to bring my camping stuff over at some point today, so I asked if he still wanted me to do that. His response was, 'Yeah! Why wouldn't you?' And I said that I didn't know, since we had fought...to which he said, 'Dude, it was an argument. We're not breaking up are we?' I said no, I hoped not, and he said, 'Arguments happen. It's not the end of the world.' Which may sound flippant to some, but it's exactly what I needed to hear. That we can fight without breaking up. One of the things that has really worried me about this relationship, as you may recall, is that I shy away from arguments and discussions because T seemed like perhaps he would maybe just say fork it because being in relationships is forking hard sometimes and he's used to being single, so why would he bother keeping someone around when it gets complicated and hard? I feel like now I know that he thinks this is worth going through those mucky bits.

Obviously it sucks that I learned this the hard way (via a fight). But in the end, I think he's right. It was an argument. I don't think it was a deeply rooted relationship argument. I don't think he was right, at all, and hope to talk to him about it later today when we've both cooled off from it, but now I feel less apprehensive about doing that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 9:51 am 
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That's awesome, AP. D has been good about that too when we've had arguments. It means a LOT to me and is really different than past relationships.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 9:58 am 
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Yeah, it took me about a year and several fights into our relationship for me to get past the feeling that it would mean the end of the relationship. I think it takes a while to establish that trust and know that it's not the end of the world, especially for those of us who hate confrontation. The funny thing is, now that I feel more secure that we can have fights, talk things through, and then move on, we hardly have any fights any more.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 10:17 am 
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I hate confrontation as well and my husband and I never really 'fight', at least we've never yelled at eachother but definitely get annoyed with eachother and talk it out. I used to think minor things were much bigger than they were though and get upset. My husband may get angry but it doesn't last more than 30 minutes or so whereas I'd be upset for days due to him being angry. It took me a long while that it was just our 2 different styles. We are better talking things out so that I don't get worried/upset for days and I realize his anger dissipates quickly.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 10:24 am 
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AP, that sounds like a good resolution to the fact that you guys had a fight! Hopefully you can calmly discuss the cause/trigger and come to a resolution for that!

I've been with my guy for a year and a half and we have not had a fight yet. I was worried about that for a while, but am not so much anymore. I've been mad at him once and he sort of shut down and then got really sweet after I cooled down. He never admitted that he was wrong, but he's also never repeated the action (he killed a bug, which I'm totally not okay with, now he takes them outside). We've had a few scheduled talks about things, and those things had been fights in past relationships but they weren't an issue in this one. I know we'll fight eventually and I hope it is over something completely ridiculous that we'll both feel stupid about after.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 1:03 pm 
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I spoke to my mom because even though I know everything is ok, I'm still feeling uneasy, anxious, and a little tearful. I think she gave me some really good advice and I came to some realizations about why we even had the fight to begin with, and I hope to talk to him later about it. When he's stressed, he does not like to be touched. When I'm stressed, I need one million hugs. And we're both super stressed right now. So...I don't really know how to get around that. My mom says I need to do something for myself, take care of myself, and get my need to be touched somewhere else. Not advocating that I cheat on him, obviously, but that I should get a massage or hug a friend. Which is all well and good, but it doesn't give me that sense of comfort that I feel like I need right now. She suggested I come home for a few days since I don't have anything going on right now, and I may do that. She will give me hugs on demand.

But I do want to talk to him about it still. I think it's important for him to realize that my need to be touched is valid and is one of my responses to stress. If I'm going to respect his need to be left alone and not get all upset about it then he needs to not get pissed at me for being a little clingy when I'm feeling down. Surely there must be some way for us to work this out, but I'm not sure what it is yet. I'm also hoping beyond hope that when school gets back in and football starts and his business is booming again that his grouchiness dissipates. I understand his moodiness, and it has been a really crazy summer for him (he got audited, the labor board checked him out, his liquor license got screwed up, which then screwed up his poker machines which bring in a lot of revenue, waiting for a loan to go through, his house still hasn't sold and he's paying 2 mortgages, remodeling the bar, all on top of not being very busy because summers are dead here), but I'm not sure I can handle this year round. We shall see what September brings.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 1:28 pm 
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joshua - thank you for showing the other side and the the kind words. my mind is still 'stuck' on all the things i had to deal with and it is really hard for me to see it any other way than him being incredibly insensitive.

couroupita - ugh those are my sentiments exactly. i think communication is/was a big issue because up to the point that we split up, he was leading me to believe everything between us was good, when it obviously wasn't, and maybe there are things that were going on with him that i had no idea about, and it certainly wasn't because i was showing a lack of interest in his life.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 5:03 pm 
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AP: It sounds like it was, if anything, an important experience to have a fight and have it not mean anything other than " we were drunk and had an argument". I've had a few fights with my boyfriend, and some of them have been pretty dramatic with me crying and him panicking about whether I was going to dump him. We have talked a lot about why he reacts with thinking I don't want to be with him, because to me it's obvious that it wouldn't be worth the trouble to fight, if I was just going to end it - so we made the agreement that IF I want to dump him, that's the FIRST thing I will say - just so he has some comfort knowing that it's not what's coming later in the fight. He seems to have calmed down quite a bit about it - he was really insecure about our relationship at first, thinking that I was waaay better than him and someday I'd realize that and leave him. It took quite a while and some serious talks for him to feel certain that that was not what was going to happen. I've tried to be respectful and to remember to check in with him if we fight - saying that I really love him, and that's why I'm upset about X or Y. It is totally possible to be furious with someone, and still remember to say "hey, this is not me breaking up with you! This is me trying to solve this thing that's making me really upset". It sounds like your guy is like me that way - for me, fighting is not an end to anything, it's just an argument.

Regarding the touching - I can be really put off by being touched if I'm stressed, sad or anything like that. Well, put off is not really the right word.. It can feel super violating, actually. It was really hard for my guy to understand what was going on for the first 6 months or so of our relationship, but it really really helped when he started respecting it by asking me "do you want a hug right now?" or just holding my hand instead of hugging. Actually, now the only time I don't want to be touched is when we fight - and I always want a big hug afterwards. it was just very crucial for me to feel like my physical boundaries were respected, and that my saying no was respected as well. Obviously, your guy may be very different than me, but I think it's worth asking him and talking about how you guys can both get your needs fulfilled!

Good luck!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 7:40 am 
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smoothie, it sounds like T and I have a lot in common with you and your guy, except switched. I went to talk to him last night and told him how I'd been very anxious lately, and that when I feel that way, I want to be comforted with a lot of physical touch. And that the problem we're having is that this is coinciding with his stress and him not wanting to be touched. He said he felt like I was constantly touching him, all over him, smothering him when I did that. I'm having a hard time seeing it that way, but his feelings are his feelings. I just don't know at what point we compromise. Obviously right now, his need to be not touched is winning out over my need to be touched. We're going out of town this weekend to camp and run the Warrior Dash with his friends, and I'm hoping that will be a de-stresser for him, at least a little bit. And I've made an effort to make plans with friends this week so that my day gets more broken up and I feel a little less anxious and alone. I guess the kicker is just that I really want to be hugged and kissed by my boyfriend at the end of the day, and it feels like it's been...a week? Since that's happened. Which actually feels like an eternity. And it makes me feel like he loves me less, even though I've been assured that that is not the case. He slept on the couch again last night because his sleep has been so spotty, and that also kind of sucks. And what is really annoying to me is knowing that this stuff would bother me a lot less (as in, I would be able to put it in perspective, realize there is an end to it, take it less personally) if I was in a better headspace. Also, I did try out what you said your boyfriend does, by asking if contact is ok. When I went to bed, I asked him if I could kiss him goodnight, and it was short, but he did let me. It just seems so shitty to have to ask to kiss my boyfriend.

Again, I know my needs aren't being met right now. I get it. But I do feel like this is worth riding out until September, when business gets better. At that point, I'll re-evaluate and see if things are getting better. I definitely cannot be in a relationship where I am not being touched forever. I hate to think about that, because I love him and enjoy being with him (when he's not stressed), but that non-stressed guy is a totally different person from the guy I've been with for most of the summer. He's loving, caring, kind, thoughtful, giving, and he can't keep his hands off me. That's the guy I love. I don't love grumpy T any less, but the way he makes me feel...isn't awesome.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 1:59 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
I guess the kicker is just that I really want to be hugged and kissed by my boyfriend at the end of the day, and it feels like it's been...a week?


I was kind of on his side of this "should we touch or not during stress" thing until I realized you might not just be talking about short-term/during a fight stress. So he's not just asking that you be less affectionate while fighting, but for days at a time?

Maybe you can just ask what helps him de-stress. Offer massages or something..?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 5:37 pm 
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Tigon wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
I guess the kicker is just that I really want to be hugged and kissed by my boyfriend at the end of the day, and it feels like it's been...a week?


I was kind of on his side of this "should we touch or not during stress" thing until I realized you might not just be talking about short-term/during a fight stress. So he's not just asking that you be less affectionate while fighting, but for days at a time?

Maybe you can just ask what helps him de-stress. Offer massages or something..?


Yeah, he's basically been like this the entire summer, but it just keeps getting worse as more and more things get piled onto his stress plate. Last night I asked him if he wanted to hang out at all (rather than my usual 'What do you want to do tonight?') and his response was just some stressful things that had happened at the restaurant. I had baked him cookies because he loves cookies and I just wanted to express my love for him in some nonverbal, non-physical way, but cookies were refused as well. When cookies are refused, the stress must be pretty insane. Anyway, we spent the night apart, which was for the best. And honestly, kind of a relief because being around him when he's that stressed stresses me out. We are going to dinner in a little bit and I'm meeting his cousin, who is like a brother to him. I have absolutely no idea what kind of mood he is in or how this will go...hopefully having this guy he cares about around him will lift him out of his slump for a little bit. I'm a little nervous, though...meeting someone close to him when he's not been in the best of moods doesn't sound like the ideal way to meet this person. We shall see.

Oh, and massages are off the table when I'm basically not allowed to touch him at all when he's feeling like this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 5:44 pm 
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Location: Maryland/DC area
Honestly, since he is a business owner and this seems to be a constant in your relationship, I don't think things will change and you either need to find out if you can accept that or move on.

I am also a touchy type but closeness/holding hands in general is important and during our relationship it has changed, waxed and waned a bit. Like some nights, especially in the beginning, we used to hold hands when we went to bed and every night we spent some time snuggling before bed and that is still many nights but not all. We do spend time apart within the same household which I think works for both of us but we also make an effort to watch tv together (often holding hands) and spend some time together on the weekend. I think it would be hard for me if I didn't have some physical contact on a daily/nearly daily basis.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 5:56 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Posts: 19214
Location: Cliffbar NJ
That sounds hard and frustrating AP. I hope all his stress eases up soon, or that at least he finds a better way to deal with it than withdrawing from you. I think having your partner withdrawing kindness and physical affection can be really hurtful and sometimes lands like gaslighting - like a make-wrong of you because you are too "needy."

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