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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:05 am 
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Vegan Since Before There Were Vegetables
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My husband does the lion's share of cleaning. If it wasn't for him, we would live like utter slobs. I reciprocate by spending a LOT of time cooking. The rare time he has to make a meal it's some weird slop of potatoes and tempeh with a jarred curry sauce, and I put a lot more effort and creativity into our meals. He likes cleaning (weirdo) and I adore cooking, so it works.

For relationship smiles...I worked until midnight last night and my husband had found vegan pierogies in town and had cooked some up with a tofutti sour cream dip with wayfare bacon bits and garlic seasoning. It was pretty cute.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 10:20 am 
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My husband wouldn't admit it but I really think he thinks housecleaning is my de facto responsibility which has caused a lot of issues in the past but I've given up.

So my husband takes care of litter boxes, backyard poo cleanup, takes trash/recycles out to the curb, takes laundry to basement, cat/dog teeth brushing - all those I do sometimes. The only thing I don't do that he does is brush the dogs/cats. If he were out of town, I'd do it but otherwise he does that.

I do all our cooking, put dishes in dishwasher, start dishwasher, put dishes away, wash pots/pans in sink (he'll do this sometimes), clean the bathrooms, vacuum the house, dust, take care of dog medications/treatments, take care of all our bills/financial matters.

The things we do together or somewhat equally is walk or run(him) dogs, do laundry, put laundry away and grocery shopping. One thing I like is when shopping for household items, he comes with me for the most part. I hate shopping alone so I enjoy that aspect.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 10:25 am 
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My guy is figuring out how to cook more vegan stuff. I think he basically lived off of pasta, sandwiches, and freezer foods before. I usually do the cooking and he mixes the drinks. But he can cook if I ask him too. We tend to mostly fend for ourselves though, we've not lived together long and are still used to just doing our own thing.

Cleaning... I made it clear that trash/recycling are his job and I keep the kitchen clean (we both do dishes). Laundry we each do our own and the rest of the stuff is split by whatever bothers whoever. Neither of us are messy or super neat freak so it works, so far.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 10:36 am 
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linanil wrote:
My husband wouldn't admit it but I really think he thinks housecleaning is my de facto responsibility which has caused a lot of issues in the past but I've given up.


yeah this describes my bf too. I tried to teach him to clean in the beginning but it was just too frustrating for us both so I've given up. All he does is take out the trash and does his own laundry, but I do all the cooking and cleaning. He has gotten slightly better about doing the dishes sometimes, like if I'm home late and there are dishes in the sink he will sometimes do them before I get home.

I'm not exactly happy with this situation, but not unhappy either. I've had to accept that he doesn't really care about having things clean, and can't cook. I enjoy cooking so I'll do it willingly, and I like having a clean house so I'll do that too.

ETA: I guess what I'm saying is, now I look at it more as I do these things for myself, not him. even though he shares the meals a lot of the time and some of the dirt I clean is his, whatever.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 11:14 am 
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My partner and I don't live together, but we often do meals together. She makes dinner pretty frequently. But, on the other hand, I'm somewhat more of a morning person than she is, and breakfast is more or less my favourite meal of the day, so I often make breakfast. It seems to work out for us!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 11:16 am 
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I guess I'm lucky with this stuff, we both kind of do a bit of everything, some things overlap less than others, but we take care of ourselves and our home cooperatively.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 11:42 am 
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Biker boy is a 40 year old man who has lived on his own for the last 8 years, can cook, keeps his house neat, is forever doing laundry, makes time on the weekend for bigger chores, and always makes sure that my needs are met re: hunger (it helps that we are a perfect match when it comes to appetite and need to eat regularly.) If any of this changes when we live together I will be sorely disappointed! I actually think he's more responsible about most chore/upkeep kind of stuff than I am, although he'd tell you the opposite I think. Somehow I have him believing that I'm a good housekeeper. :P

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 1:16 pm 
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I'm really excited about that guy I met. The old adage that you'll meet someone when you aren't looking is so true! I didn't really think I was ready to meet anyone else until I had fully healed my heart, but there he was!

I still miss my ex a bit but it's easier now. I don't cry every day on my way into work. I've also moved to a different city but when I'm back in Providence I'm really nervous about running into him though it hasn't happened.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:36 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
I'm really excited about that guy I met. The old adage that you'll meet someone when you aren't looking is so true! I didn't really think I was ready to meet anyone else until I had fully healed my heart, but there he was!



I fully believe this. Either when you've stopped looking entirely or you're looking for someone completely different from what you've found.

As for home duties, I think we are pretty even. I do most of the cooking (his vegan cooking consists of frozen veggie burgers, pasta with tomato sauce and occasionally veggie stir fry), kitchen cleaning, laundry. He does most of the vacuuming and almost all the outdoor work. He never cleans kitty litter, I almost never take garbage to the curb. If I specifically ask him to do something because I am too sore or tired, he usually gets on it pretty quickly. I wish he would occasionally clean the bathroom, though!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:49 pm 
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Don't live with my partner yet, but when he's here he's very neat and does the dishes and doesn't like people cleaning up after him (he won't even let me help fold his clothes because he's that particular). I"m messy but I try really hard when he's here, his ex was a horder and while he's never said anything about it to me I get worried he might think I'll get that bad someday.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 7:05 am 
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T got me floor mats for my car for our 4 month anniversary. How romantic! Haha... It is nice, though, I never would have bought them on my own, and I do want to keep my car nice. And the 4 month thing was just a funny excuse.

Also, 4 months!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 9:48 am 
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this doesn't quite fit here but I figured y'all would get how funny this is:
as of yesterday I have been of 6 accidental dates in the past 4 years.
that is, dates that I thought were just friend hangouts until the other person tells me it is a date.

six.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:20 am 
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How do you get past the loneliness? I miss being part of a couple so much and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Most days I wish I hadn't been in a relationship so I wouldn't know what I was missing.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:34 am 
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This is a question I have struggled with on and off for a year now (only ever off because I find someone to date).

Mostly I just try to keep really busy. It helps in two fold; it keeps your mind distracted for when you are actively busy, and also once you are done with being busy it makes you tired out so you can just relax on the couch, watch a show and then go to bed without too much thinking involved.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:47 am 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
How do you get past the loneliness? I miss being part of a couple so much and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Most days I wish I hadn't been in a relationship so I wouldn't know what I was missing.


One thing I actively exercised was being able to go out and do the things we did together, alone. It's super empowering to know that I can still enjoy those activities. Like, tomorrow I am going to a music festival all by myself. No plan, nobody to tell me what to do (or forking whine at me about being tired!). I have high hopes for a great adventure-solo. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 12:45 pm 
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booberthefraggle wrote:
this doesn't quite fit here but I figured y'all would get how funny this is:
as of yesterday I have been of 6 accidental dates in the past 4 years.
that is, dates that I thought were just friend hangouts until the other person tells me it is a date.

six.


I shouldn't find this as hilarious as I do, but... I am giggling kind of hard. It's because people are both drawn to you and daunted by you, Boober! They want the sweet nectar of Boober-lovin', but they fear rejection and try to crafty, only to end up ridiculous instead. It's the burden of radness.

sarahnorine wrote:
ScooterDiva wrote:
How do you get past the loneliness? I miss being part of a couple so much and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Most days I wish I hadn't been in a relationship so I wouldn't know what I was missing.


One thing I actively exercised was being able to go out and do the things we did together, alone. It's super empowering to know that I can still enjoy those activities. Like, tomorrow I am going to a music festival all by myself. No plan, nobody to tell me what to do (or forking whine at me about being tired!). I have high hopes for a great adventure-solo. :)


I second this!

The loneliness is AWFUL. It's hard to get used to at first, but then I almost always end up really liking it. I try to stop thinking of it as being lonely and think of it as "spending time with myself" and, as sarahnorine says, finding the pleasures in being INDEPENDENT. Not lonely, but LIBERATED.

It sounds corny, and sometimes it can be really hard to do. But it's also nice. You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want (tots with gravy and a big mason jar of wine is my favorite go-to for chilling on the couch in my frumpiest outfit with a book and a cat). You can sing in the shower as loudly as you want! Enjoy bad dancing while cooking? Go crazy! Sprawl on the bed as much as you want, or blanket burrito like mad, without fear of an ornery partner whining about bed equity. Also, two words: PILLOW FORT.

I found I really enjoy going to the movies alone. I focus more on the movie, don't get irritated with someone talking to me, and I tend to enjoy the movie-viewing experience more.

I LOVE taking myself to dinner with a book or a writing project (or grading, during the school year). Treating myself feels good, and sitting out there in plain view of the rest of the world, enjoying myself in a state of solitude makes me feel like a badass woman. I don't need a date to have a nice dinner and a nice night, world! Nibble my bum, y'all.

Finally, I call my mom or dad when the loneliness gets really bad. It's strange, because we weren't close when I was younger, but now that I'm in my late twenties, I can really talk to them about almost anything. Even if I don't call and cry to them about how I feel lonely and worthless and like the bottom is dropping out of my life, I often find that just having a mundane conversation about the ridiculous politics in my dad's HOA or the exciting new daily walk my mom is taking gives me a connection to someone who loves me profoundly and who wants to hear about the mundanities of my life every single goddamn time I want to share them. Whether it's a parent, a sibling, a friend, a coworker... Find that person. They will be your support to non-loneliness, sometimes even without them knowing it.

And always come chat to the PPK. We are here for you too!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 1:14 pm 
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I second all that's been said above. I felt really intensely lonely for a couple weeks after my last breakup, and then all of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped, and I LOOOOOOVED being alone. I really did enjoy having my home to myself, not having to clean up after anyone else, or worry about anyone else's sleep schedule, or compromising on what movie to watch. I think it helped that I had a very active social and extracurricular life - I was training or racing my bike 5 days a week, rarely alone, and hanging out after work often with either coworkers or teammates, so if you have something in your life that you can pour some of that extra time and energy into, I imagine that would help you too.

I don't know if there's much else for it but a combination of time and trying to keep busy with positive things. Just know that it WILL get better, and try to take it one day at a time. Just because you feel bad today doesn't mean you're going to feel bad forever, or even tomorrow.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 2:06 pm 
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Also, I just came across this. I think it sort of translates well to being single:
Image

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 3:14 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
Also, I just came across this. I think it sort of translates well to being single:
Image



THIS

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 3:22 pm 
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I feel like I want to extend something more here and say that the loneliness definitely dips its head in once in a while. Like the other day I was at a baseball game at the Twins stadium with my family and there were so. MANY. Couples. I almost cried. But then. THEN I saw a bickering couple and was instantly better. I plan on thwarting this from ever happening again by having a goal to strike up a conversation with someone at the event if I'm feeling lonely or out of place. I hadn't been single in the last 7 years up until 2 months ago so it's still kind of strange, but is getting less so as time goes on. :)
I like to think of this in terms of a trajectory standpoint too. Sure, I might suffer from time to time, but in 6 months time, this is going to be a piece of cake or I might even have someone better for me than the last person! It gives me hope.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 3:53 pm 
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I've often picked something that I want to learn or do but "didn't have time for" and thrown myself into it. Last time I was single I found and went dancing at the electronic/goth/industrial clubs a lot (my ex would never go with me and I missed it), usually I could get a friend to go with me sometimes I went alone. It was so much fun and I made a lot of friends that way too.

I learned how to knit with a friend after one breakup and then knit everyone scarves for their b-day. It's still a nice hobby to have.

Now I live with a dude, but he needs WAY more alone (I can be here, just not interacting with him) time than I do. I socialize with my friends quite a bit which gives him time. When I'm home and he's home, rather than distracting him by playing video games or watching a movie, I've decided to learn Spanish and play my bass more. It was oddly lonely living with him the first couple of weeks (my last roommate didn't need alone time and we hung out all the time when we were both home), but I'm adjusting and will enrich myself while he's working on "his projects".


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 6:31 pm 
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I recently realized that this previous comfort of "well at least I get the bed to myself, don't have to deal with someone else's stuff, etc" isn't useful this time. That's the sucky part about a long distance relationship I guess. There is no revelation in my independence this time. blah.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 8:22 pm 
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lycophyte wrote:
I recently realized that this previous comfort of "well at least I get the bed to myself, don't have to deal with someone else's stuff, etc" isn't useful this time. That's the sucky part about a long distance relationship I guess. There is no revelation in my independence this time. blah.



That's one of the hardest things for me - I liked sharing my bed with my ex and s p o o n ing. It was nice to go to bed and wake up to someone else there. Going to bed alone is so difficult.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 8:28 pm 
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lycophyte wrote:
I recently realized that this previous comfort of "well at least I get the bed to myself, don't have to deal with someone else's stuff, etc" isn't useful this time. That's the sucky part about a long distance relationship I guess. There is no revelation in my independence this time. blah.


I don't know, I'm in one and while I adore him I have thought about ending before because it because its so much work, I ended up just saying we had to make a life plan so we're together next year. Like I said I love him but sometimes I'm sad that I feel like I need to hover over the computer or constantly check my phone, and maybe it would be better if I was dating locally and could actually get some cuddles. Its like being single without the perks.

But when he leaves after a visit omg do I spread out in the bed XD

I was single for a long time before my current beau, but I learned to love it. Particularly I'm very grateful for that time because I really grew as a person and realized what I'm willing to put up with and what I'm really really not willing to put up with. I was such a doormat before. It really has made my current relationship so much better, I think if we had met right after my last relationship, it wouldn't have worked out.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 8:29 pm 
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Yeah, the last few times my ex and I shared a bed but she was being physically distant were SO HARD. I think I have a lot of oxytocin receptors, compared to many people, and especially probably compared to people who were abused as children. So yeah, I was sniffly and sad and had a hard time sleeping because I had never felt so comfortable in someone's arms before. And I've had some good snuggles.

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