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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 8:35 am 
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You posted on facebook about being lonely last night (not to be all creeper) so yeah, I would guess that was a private response to that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 8:45 am 
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Also, he's on vacation. He is/was probably drunk, and I'd bet it was one of those things that made perfect sense to him at the time, but maybe not so much to you. I would try not to read too much into it.

Being apart can definitely suck, but try to chill out! Make a bunch of food, wear all your ugly underpants, and know that he'll be back soon.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 10:56 am 
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I bet he meant that you should use it to stroganoff!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 2:44 pm 
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You are all correct! I was half asleep and being paranoid last night. I've just been cheated on so many times, that's where my mind went because I was exhausted and lonely, but not because he's ever given me reason to not trust him. I talked it out with my friend this morning, and she said all the things you all just said. And then he and I texted a bit and that's totally what it seemed like, too: he was drunk, sent me a selfie, then was embarrassed about it the next morning, haha. Although he didn't know I was lonely, because we are not friends on the facebook, and I hadn't texted him anything to say as much. Thanks for the reassurance, everyone!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 2:47 pm 
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he asked me to be his girlfriend!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 2:50 pm 
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Mars wrote:
I bet he meant that you should use it to stroganoff!

This is what I thought.

Woot, fupa!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 2:56 pm 
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Hoorah, fupa! What did you say?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 3:42 pm 
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Well I have been super hesitant to get into anything after the heartbreak I went through in the spring but I said yes! He was over and asked me when we were falling asleep. He said he wanted to wait until the morning but he just couldn't wait! He's very much different than most people I've dated and I think that's a good thing.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 1:00 am 
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I just got into a serious relationship for the first time in my life a few months ago and it feels pretty weird... but good. I've always been single so I guess it takes a while getting used to this. We're not even monogamous and fooling around with other people is ok but it still kind of feels a bit like I've lost a big part of my freedom. But damn... I love him so much.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:14 am 
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Yay fupa!

seitanicverses wrote:
Mars wrote:
I bet he meant that you should use it to stroganoff!

This is what I thought.


Yep, me too!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:18 am 
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^ my awake brain realized that is totally what he meant :)

We just talked a few minutes ago, and he keeps texting me. It's obvious from his voice that he misses me lots, which feels really nice. Yes, I know he's only been gone 2 days, but 2 days is the longest we've been apart since we started dating, so this week stuff is a challenge! Anyway, I miss him too. Been staying busy with work, though, and reveling in wearing my ugly underwear and showering less than I might normally shower :P

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 7:05 am 
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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I am so annoyed and pissed off right now. My boyfriend is SO BAD at replying to texts. We've been through this a million times, and it is just so disrespectful of him not to answer me when I text him to confirm that we're hanging out or about practical plans where I am supposed to help him.
I am totally fuming with anger right now and I kind of feel like dumping him. I am fully aware that that is probably the anger talking and that I am pretty happy with the relationship 90% of the time, but DANM I'm pissed off.

On a positive side note: looking at angry teen tumblrs is making it a little better.

I should totally just ignore this for now, right? I mean, we're not seeing each other until tomorrow anyway and when we try to take these things over the phone it always blows up. When I called him earlier (I had to call 3 times for him to pick up) I basically just said "hey, I've texted you a bunch of times over the past two days in order to confirm our plans. I think you need to reply when I text you with a question". Then I got him to reply and I said "I think it's really really uncool of you not to reply in the first place" and he basically said nothing at all and then I ended the call with "You know what, I'm really angry with you right now, I don't want to talk over the phone" and then we hung up.
So I should just ignore this until we can actually talk, right?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 7:30 am 
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Ack, that is annoying, smoothie! I would be pissed off by that too! You definitely need to talk to him about that, but yeah, I would wait for the moment.

My experience with stuff like this is that it's better to wait until you've cooled down before talking about things that are a structural problem, because if you get into while angry, the other person is likely to either get defensive or shut down entirely.

What works best for me is to wait for a calm-ish moment and say something like: "It's really important to me when I text you about plans that you text back so that I can know what's going on. I know you're busy, but when you don't respond to my texts, I feel like you don't respect me or my time." Or something like that. Maybe find out why he seems to be so bad about this and maybe if there's another form of communication that works better for him.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 7:35 am 
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I agree with not wasting your energy when you can't do anything about it. Is it possible he has a good reason? Not to play devil's advocate, but I know sometimes I get really upset about something like that and it turns out my partner's cell phone was out of juice or he just couldn't text back. Maybe talk tomorrow and use "I" language - I notice that you didn't reply to my texts about our plans for a few days. When you don't reply clearly, it makes me feel like our plans are uncertain and I feel ignored and taken for granted. I don't have much free time, so I like to know what we are doing, so that I can make sure to make the most of it." And then listen to him and craft a solution, if you can. My partner and I agreed that I would just call instead, because sometimes he gets so many texts that its easier just to talk on the phone for a minute than type out a response.

Good luck Smooroo <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 8:11 am 
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smoothie wrote:
(I had to call 3 times for him to pick up) I basically just said "hey, I've texted you a bunch of times over the past two days in order to confirm our plans. I think you need to reply when I text you with a question". Then I got him to reply and I said "I think it's really really uncool of you not to reply in the first place" and he basically said nothing at all and then I ended the call with "You know what, I'm really angry with you right now, I don't want to talk over the phone" and then we hung up.
So I should just ignore this until we can actually talk, right?


In my view you're already 'into it' by having the conversation you had and telling him you're angry about it. But he must know this anyway if you've talked about it before.

Next time I'd just be evil and text back with 'if I don't hear from you by x time I'll assume our plans are off and I'll do something else' and if he didn't reply then I'd make alternative plans and not see him. I find my o/h learns best from experiencing things rather than me explaining them. even if I explain a million times he keeps doing the thing but if I can somehow do the same thing back to him he suddenly understands. (Of course this depends on him wanting to see me and do whatever we had planned otherwise he'll learn that ignoring me gets him out of things he doesn't want to do!)

Glad to hear your news fupa.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 8:40 am 
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Soooo... remember a couple of weeks ago when I wondered if I should suggest temporarily living together and renting my house to biker boy's friend for the summer, and y'all helped me reach to conclusion that it wasn't a great idea to put pressure on bb to make that decision quickly, etc..? Well his friend (let's call him P) got into town a few days ago and is staying in a hotel while he looks for a place, but his niece is going to be here soon to spend the summer with him so he's running out of time. Last night bb asked me, "So, how would you feel about living together for the summer?" I said, "Are you thinking about housing P for the summer? I can't say the same thought didn't occur to me. What are you thinking specifically?" And he said, "Letting P and his niece live in my house for the summer and staying with you. 'Cause it would just be rude of me to offer up your house..." So... obviously I said I liked the idea. We hashed out some of the details and obstacles (which are minor) and I think it's going to happen. He admitted that the idea scares him and I told him that I knew it did and that's why I'd decided it wasn't something that I was going to bring it up. Now he just needs to talk to P and I'm pretty sure he will do that quickly. Knowing my sweetie, he may be scared of the implications of moving in together but he wouldn't have brought it up if he hadn't already pretty much talked himself into it. So yay! I don't know what will happen at the end of the summer but if it goes well for the next couple of months having the conversation about permanent arrangements should be a lot easier.

Also, he's making a lot of noise the last couple of weeks about buying me a new bike. Mine's mediocre at best and really not suitable for racing and he really wants me to have something lighter and faster. I don't know how I feel about him dropping that kind of money on me! We'd talked about a weekend away after both our race seasons are over and I was thinking like the OR coast or some place within driving distance. Unbeknownst to me, he started looking into a long weekend in NYC, which would obviously be pricy with airfare and hotels, etc... For better or worse, he sort of automatically translates all large expenditures into the currency of bicycles and the idea of buying me a bike (which he can afford right now and I cannot) was born. Ugh... I just don't know. No one has ever offered to spoil me like that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 10:23 am 
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The planning texts are flying fast and furious this morning! I'm planning on finishing the closet cull I started a couple of weeks ago finished tomorrow so that he's got a closet and then we'll move his essentials over on Sunday or Monday. Then we can move over some of the other things later. Wheee!!! It looks like this is happening, provided that P hasn't found other accommodations in the last 36 hours (with my luck he found something last night just as bb and I were talking it over.)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 10:28 am 
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I think I screwed up. Y'all need to give me some insight on this one, because my gut feelings stuff is way messed up now:

So my brother's friend is cute, I've known him for quite a while, but up until a couple of weeks ago, never EVER considered him to be more than a friend. Ok. That being said, he just got out of his high school sweetheart relationship about 4 months ago at age 25. Started immediately going on dates (no sex) with two particular women that he knew from his prior job position.
He came over to my brother's and my house (bad grammar, sorry) and while hanging out, asked me for advice on what to do about one of these girls-he had stopped dating the other one. This was about 2 months ago. He said she's shy, not much of a go getter-I gave him my best advice and felt bad for him. He seems like he really wanted to start a relationship with her but holy crap-if my high school relationship just ended, I'd give it some time, no?
Anways, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. I was invited to his apartment warming party, which was fun! But my brother ended up getting too drunk and I had to drive him home. So I get home, plant my brother on the couch and go on my computer. I immediately get a FB message from my brother's friend saying he was sad I left his party. I explained I'm sorry my brother got drunk yadda yadda until it hit me when he asked if I was going to be up for a while and asked if I wanted to come over again.
I did, but I think I made a mistake along the way here.
We ended up having a really great conversation about music/life/whatever for like 2 forking hours until 5:30 in the morning. The sun was freaking coming up. At that point I was like, well I had a good time (nothing happened at this point) and said I should let him sleep. He said I could stay if I wanted. So I did. And we had really (awkward/bad) sex. But he totally cuddled me after and I think this is the other mistake I made. :( I left at 8:30 after I woke up and kissed him and left without much more than a "have a good day". He was half asleep.
Two days later, he still didn't text so I texted him saying I enjoyed spending time with him but that I knew he was my brother's friend, didn't want to complicate things and that I liked him as a person (not typical of the guys I've been hooking up with). He replied saying he liked me too and that we'll see what happens.
Ok. So a week after that, my brother told me he was going out with him and that girl he talked to me about months prior-apparently she was in Hawaii the week he had his party. It seems they're back to going on dates.

Did I just get played? Or is he confused? He seems like he overthinks things. Did I wait too long or leave too early after sex? I'm very intentional in my actions and words, and to tell you the truth I was interested after the conversation we had, but did I ruin it all by having sex too soon? Is he a creep?

Serious and non-serious answers regarding what I should do about this are welcome. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 10:37 am 
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Monkeytoes - how exciting :) I'm sure you guys will do great.

sarah - It seems that he liked/likes you but also maybe seems like he is interested in dating and maybe casual sex since he just got out of a relationship? My opinion is really not to expect that sex will start a relationship. You two hadn't dated, other than knowing eachother and hung out for a single night. Unless I'm missing something, it wasn't like 'hey, we should date' type thing that culminated with sex. It sounds like both of you had different expectations, he might've just wanted someone to spend the night with and sounds like you wanted to start dating.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:50 pm 
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mtoes, how awesomely super fantastic!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 3:05 pm 
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linanil wrote:
It seems that he liked/likes you but also maybe seems like he is interested in dating and maybe casual sex since he just got out of a relationship? My opinion is really not to expect that sex will start a relationship. You two hadn't dated, other than knowing eachother and hung out for a single night. Unless I'm missing something, it wasn't like 'hey, we should date' type thing that culminated with sex. It sounds like both of you had different expectations, he might've just wanted someone to spend the night with and sounds like you wanted to start dating.


I'd say this. He's probably still open to hanging out and seeing you, just maybe not exclusively. Regardless of whether or not you're down with that, I hope you guys are able to communicate and work things out amicably. And I hope there's better sex in your near future!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 3:17 pm 
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I'm not really sure what you were/are wanting out of that scenario, sarahnorine. Leaving him with a "have a nice day" and then telling him that you don't want to complicate things and that you like him as a person... I'd probably see that as a brush-off if I was him. So maybe he was playing you. Or maybe he felt like you just weren't really into taking things any further ("I like you as a person" usually sort of implies "but I don't like you like that..." I think... maybe? I don't know... I readily admit that I'm not good at this!) If you were interested in (dating?) him after your wee hours of the morning conversation, you might have to just come out and tell him that because the communication sounds like it's been more than a little fuzzy so far.

(Edit: I don't mean those first two sentences to sound like criticism. I didn't mean it like "well, what did you expect?!" More like, "it's hard for me to tell from what you've written what your ideal outcome is." Sorry if it sounds harsh, I really don't mean it that way at all!)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 3:27 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
mtoes, how awesomely super fantastic!

I know, right? Even if P says he magically found another place yesterday, I feel good knowing that biker boy came to the same conclusion as I did and was willing to overcome his trepidations enough to suggest it. I may still be a step ahead of him (it doesn't scare me a bit, I'm ready!) but at least I know it's not a huge step. I have to remind myself that it's OK that he's cautious and it just means that he's taking things seriously.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 3:27 pm 
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monkeytoes wrote:
(Edit: I don't mean those first two sentences to sound like criticism. I didn't mean it like "well, what did you expect?!" More like, "it's hard for me to tell from what you've written what your ideal outcome is." Sorry if it sounds harsh, I really don't mean it that way at all!)


No worries! I'm simply trying to backtrack to see where I went wrong-I wouldn't have minded getting to know him better, but I think I blew it. I have a way of pushing people away without even knowing I'm doing it. But I guess I also don't know how to seem interested without seeming needy? It's confusing.

Also, I'm wondering if the sex is where I went wrong? Blergh

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 3:30 pm 
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sarahnorine wrote:
monkeytoes wrote:
(Edit: I don't mean those first two sentences to sound like criticism. I didn't mean it like "well, what did you expect?!" More like, "it's hard for me to tell from what you've written what your ideal outcome is." Sorry if it sounds harsh, I really don't mean it that way at all!)


No worries! I'm simply trying to backtrack to see where I went wrong-I wouldn't have minded getting to know him better, but I think I blew it. I have a way of pushing people away without even knowing I'm doing it. But I guess I also don't know how to seem interested without seeming needy? It's confusing.

I don't think you went "wrong" anywhere, necessarily. But it seems like one of you is going to have to state his or her intentions clearly. I also don't know how to seem interested without seeming needy! But clear communication is generally the right way to go even if it's hard to do. The worst thing that can happen is that he's not interested and that would suck, but you'd be OK in the long run and at least you wouldn't be wondering anymore.

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