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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 4:14 pm 
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monkeytoes wrote:
sarahnorine wrote:
monkeytoes wrote:
(Edit: I don't mean those first two sentences to sound like criticism. I didn't mean it like "well, what did you expect?!" More like, "it's hard for me to tell from what you've written what your ideal outcome is." Sorry if it sounds harsh, I really don't mean it that way at all!)


No worries! I'm simply trying to backtrack to see where I went wrong-I wouldn't have minded getting to know him better, but I think I blew it. I have a way of pushing people away without even knowing I'm doing it. But I guess I also don't know how to seem interested without seeming needy? It's confusing.

I don't think you went "wrong" anywhere, necessarily. But it seems like one of you is going to have to state his or her intentions clearly. I also don't know how to seem interested without seeming needy! But clear communication is generally the right way to go even if it's hard to do. The worst thing that can happen is that he's not interested and that would suck, but you'd be OK in the long run and at least you wouldn't be wondering anymore.


Aprreciate it! :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 5:51 pm 
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I think bad sex also complicates things sometimes. If he thinks you were not happy with it and you blew him off BC of that, he may noy think you are interested. Good luck if you end up reaching out!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 7:24 pm 
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Sarahnorine, as someone whose friends deemed her the Queen of the Hook Up, here is my two cents:

You got booty called and hooked up. End of the matter. Asking you to come over that late has obvious (in this instance from these details) implications. Regardless of whether you chatted, drank, smoked pot, or jumped on a trampoline first, it was still just a hook up! Ain't no shame in that. There isn't really any ambiguity in what you've shared, no deeper meaning. It simply sounds like you both wanted to have sex, so you did.

I'm not trying to sound snarky, because I do this all the time. If the sex was bad, yuck! But from what you've written, I don't think you really want to date him...I think you want to hang and be friends, cause you've got shiitake in common.
Don't mistake adding sex to that as wanting to date! It doesn't have to be that way. You tried it and you didn't like it. I've had tons of mediocre or poor sex with really interesting folks, and really awesome sex with mediocre people. You want to date the interesting people you can have killer sex with.
You didn't "go wrong" anywhere. You're just over thinking things!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 7:31 pm 
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sarahnorine wrote:

Aprreciate it! :)


Oh - the first time I read this through it was your 'boyfriend's friend.' The fact that it's your brother's friend instead means you messed up way less than what was possible in my head. High five on that alone and here's to not stressing about it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 5:09 am 
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We ended up having a long talk/argue over text, which surprisingly didn't turn out badly. I've been trying to get better at not expecting him to understand my point of view without me explaining, and I basically told him that considering this has been a re-occuring issue throughout our relationship, and I've told him several times that it makes me feel bad/disrespected when he doesn't reply, I cannot understand how he thinks that he can avoid it, because he cannot if he wants to be with me. I managed to put this in a non-accusing way and he responded pretty positively and we even managed to meet up for a few minutes and hug and kiss on the street later in the day.

It's really really hard having a partner who is too busy to hang out with you. We had plans to go out for brunch today, but I just had to call and cancel because I felt so depressed when I woke up, because it stresses me out and makes me feel really sad not to get my emotional needs met, I guess. Now he's coming over here instead, because I told him I couldn't get out of bed and I felt like shiitake and needed a hug. I haven't had trouble getting out of bed or feeling depressed like this in more than a year. Hopefully it will be a one time thing!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 9:16 am 
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My significant other and I had a great date a couple nights ago, where we simply drove around for hours and talked. We stopped somewhere just to snuggle and kiss, and in the middle of it he totally blurted out that he loved me (the first time either of us has said it), and he immediately gasps and says, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" It made both of us laugh and kiss more. It was just such a magical moment.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 9:26 am 
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Awww...that sounds adorbs, flava!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 10:13 am 
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Oh flava, I am so very happy for you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 4:48 pm 
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Squeeee!!! It's all a go and tomorrow is move-in day. I space-bagged a bunch of crepe in my closets to make room and I'm getting him a key cut this afternoon.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 5:18 pm 
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monkeytoes wrote:
Squeeee!!! It's all a go and tomorrow is move-in day. I space-bagged a bunch of crepe in my closets to make room and I'm getting him a key cut this afternoon.


Yay! Good luck, I'm sure it will be awesome :)

I'm keeping myself busy by running errands and walking the dog and painting my nails and making pizza dough from scratch for vegan pizza day. Is it Wednesday night yet?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2013 10:08 pm 
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smoothie wrote:
We ended up having a long talk/argue over text, which surprisingly didn't turn out badly. I've been trying to get better at not expecting him to understand my point of view without me explaining, and I basically told him that considering this has been a re-occuring issue throughout our relationship, and I've told him several times that it makes me feel bad/disrespected when he doesn't reply, I cannot understand how he thinks that he can avoid it, because he cannot if he wants to be with me. I managed to put this in a non-accusing way and he responded pretty positively and we even managed to meet up for a few minutes and hug and kiss on the street later in the day.

It's really really hard having a partner who is too busy to hang out with you. We had plans to go out for brunch today, but I just had to call and cancel because I felt so depressed when I woke up, because it stresses me out and makes me feel really sad not to get my emotional needs met, I guess. Now he's coming over here instead, because I told him I couldn't get out of bed and I felt like shiitake and needed a hug. I haven't had trouble getting out of bed or feeling depressed like this in more than a year. Hopefully it will be a one time thing!

<3 smoothie <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:55 pm 
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Yesterday was insanely crappy, but today it was all gone! I have no idea what was up, but I think it was mostly because I had just gotten my period.
Today we woke up and hung out and went to see his new apartment which he will be moving in to on the 8th of july! A big part of our problem have definitely been logistic as he's been staying in his moms apartment for more than a year now, which basically means he's been sleeping on the sofa and having his entire work setup over there - but with no door to close, it's not like I've been able to stay over there, so every time we've wanted to hang out, it's been in my place, which has been fine and all.. But with a jobless roommate, this = almost no privacy. And every time he's been working late, it's not really been all that practical for him to bike over here at night.
And considering he's been really busy with work and has had a bunch of all-nighters lately, it's been very hard. One thing is deciding that you want to spend the night apart - it's a whole different matter when it's because of logistics.
So I've been waiting for him to move FOREVER (originally he was supposed to move in in september 2012, then march 2013 and now it's FINALLY actually happening!) - I know it's been really hard for him as well, living part time in hotel rooms with the band, part time on his mom's couch and part time here.

Today he said that he's really excited for me to have a key and be able to come and go as I want to and that it's awesome that I can come over on nights when he's working and that he totally wants me there all of the time! And I got him a REALLY nice lamp (this one in blue: http://www.ylighting.com/lpl-ph5.html).

I am pretty sure that it is going to be really good for us that he has a place on his own, both so he feels like he isn't taking advantage of our hospitality (I know it's been an issue for him, even though I've been mostly fine with having him here) and so we can have privacy for hot sex sessions! Haha.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:35 pm 
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So glad you feel better Smooru!

And allularpunk, maybe part of the reason you're having a harder time is that you're in his space. Can you spend a bit more time out with friends or at your own home?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:45 pm 
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got some A+ relationship advice from my boss today: "if they don’t care about the art that you are making, then they are not worth dating"



spitting truth yo

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:10 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:

And allularpunk, maybe part of the reason you're having a harder time is that you're in his space. Can you spend a bit more time out with friends or at your own home?


I spent last night at home, which was nice and comforting, especially with the cats about. I am staying here in his place more because his dog is otherwise alone, and Mike generally gets a lot of attention from T during the day. I feel bad staying away too much. I did have coffee with a friend today and drinks and dinner with a friend Friday. I'm just used to spending most of my evenings with him, so I'm usually good until 8 or so, and then I get bummed. Also sleeping alone is the pits when you're used to sleeping with someone next to you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 8:00 am 
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missdelaney wrote:
I'm not trying to sound snarky, because I do this all the time. If the sex was bad, yuck! But from what you've written, I don't think you really want to date him...I think you want to hang and be friends, cause you've got shiitake in common.
Don't mistake adding sex to that as wanting to date! It doesn't have to be that way. You tried it and you didn't like it. I've had tons of mediocre or poor sex with really interesting folks, and really awesome sex with mediocre people. You want to date the interesting people you can have killer sex with.
You didn't "go wrong" anywhere. You're just over thinking things!


Not being snarky! Thanks for your input. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 4:00 pm 
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I'm having some anxiety about being single-meaning, I'm 26 years old, and don't want to end up alone. I'm intensely afraid of it and am making ridiculous efforts to put myself out there so I can just FIND a partner.
Is this ridiculous?
Did you ever feel this way when you were single? I feel like a fish out of water because I was in relationships for 7 years straight.
I really want to enjoy this, but the anxiety is killing me. How did you get over it?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 4:08 pm 
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Sarahnorine, I occasionally have bouts of fear about ending up alone. I remind myself that I am awesome all on my own. And that my mother didn't meet my father until she was... 36? I think? Somewhere around there. She had me when she was 39. So even if it's not in the traditional time frame, you could always meet someone.

Also, just remember to always love yourself and be confident in yourself as an individual rather than as one half of a partnership.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 5:24 pm 
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sarahnorine wrote:
I'm having some anxiety about being single-meaning, I'm 26 years old, and don't want to end up alone. I'm intensely afraid of it and am making ridiculous efforts to put myself out there so I can just FIND a partner.
Is this ridiculous?
Did you ever feel this way when you were single? I feel like a fish out of water because I was in relationships for 7 years straight.
I really want to enjoy this, but the anxiety is killing me. How did you get over it?

We have so many similarities! I'm 26 (will be 27 in a few days, WUT) and I spent all my 20's in a long term relationship.

Yeah, I also want to end up partnered, I don't desire to be Mr. Bachelor all my life. But! I just keep reminding myself something that's said here a lot, once I've learned how to be AWESOME at being single, I'll be even way more awesome at being partnered. It helps to actually get excited about the possible awesomeness of an imaginary relationship possibility after an imaginary cycle through some exciting few more short-term boyfriends. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 5:31 pm 
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I guess I don't really understand the concept (and thus fear) of "ending up alone". Like, are you afraid that you will be single when you die? Or do you treat being in a partnership as a destination rather than part of the journey from birth to death?

I'm 26 and currently single. I imagine I will have periods of both being in partnership and not over the next however many years. And while I enjoy many aspects of being in a relationship, being single or not doesn't significantly alter the things that are important to me in life: the work I do, the friends I keep, the things that bring me joy. Which is to say, create a meaningful life and let the chips fall as they may.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 5:44 pm 
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I agree that it's important to be comfortable and happy with yourself, and then relationships and whether or not you're in one will seem (maybe) less important. However, I understand that 'ending up alone' panic. I've felt it while I was in relationships as well as out of them, though. I'm in a good relationship, and I still worry about it! For me, it's more about the fact that I enjoy being in relationships and having that kind of easy companionship whenever I need or want it. Even if I just ended up having a best friend that I lived with or something, I think it would be fine, but I've never managed to have a friendship that I could imagine that happening.

I don't know if any of that makes sense. I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like it's fairly normal to have that feeling, but you shouldn't worry about it too much. In my experience, the more actively you pursue a relationship, the less likely it is to happen, usually. I'm sure that's not the case for all relationships, but I kind of do believe that whole 'just when you're not looking...' idea. In the meantime, be pumped about who you are! Cultivate your hobbies and interests and friendships. Being comfortable with yourself and having outside interests will make you more attractive to a perspective mate, anyway!

ETA: Also, 26 is still super young. I understand, because I once thought I would be married by 22 and have all my kids popped out by 30. 30 now and none of that has happened, but I haven't given up hope! I also feel like I did a lot of growing up and soul searching in the last years of my 20s that have made me a better partner in a relationship. Not everyone is on the same timeline! My guy is 44 and had pretty much resigned himself to being a bachelor for life, but he never shut out the possibility that there might be someone out there for him. But he was also ok with the option of being alone. I mean, who knows what the future holds, but now we're in a pretty rad relationship that he never really thought would happen for him. And my aunt is in her 50s and just met her lifemate a few years ago. It can happen at any age!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 6:09 pm 
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j-dub wrote:
I guess I don't really understand the concept (and thus fear) of "ending up alone". Like, are you afraid that you will be single when you die? Or do you treat being in a partnership as a destination rather than part of the journey from birth to death?

I'm 26 and currently single. I imagine I will have periods of both being in partnership and not over the next however many years. And while I enjoy many aspects of being in a relationship, being single or not doesn't significantly alter the things that are important to me in life: the work I do, the friends I keep, the things that bring me joy. Which is to say, create a meaningful life and let the chips fall as they may.


Yes, this. Over and over again, this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 6:11 pm 
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Well, and you kind of have to consider, too, that even if you do find a meaningful, long term relationship...anything can happen. Wow, yes, that sounds morbid, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

Sorry if I just took it to another level of depressing.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:23 pm 
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If we just had that dang PPKommune I wouldn't worry about ending up alone. I just want people to build things with, it doesn't have to be a partner. But then again the tingliness I had with my last relationship was wonderful and if that could be something I could have for a long time that would be great. Instead of the heartbreak I still have over it now. This one's gonna take a long time to get over.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:35 pm 
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lycophyte wrote:
I just want people to build things with, it doesn't have to be a partner.

Yeah, I think this might be the difference between those of us who can totes identify with what sarahnorine wrote and those like j-dub. I love what j-dub said about this though, it's not like I disagree! It's just, well I guess where she says:

j-dub wrote:
being single or not doesn't significantly alter the things that are important to me in life

That's where someone like myself says, it does significantly alter it for me, because one of the things that is really important is, rounding this back up to lyco's quote... building something with someone. Something for the long-haul, something that effects me every day, something with commitment and perseverance.

I guess the difference between that and a really amazing friendship is not much really. The hard part is that for the most part, friends, well, I feel like on average they tend to treat friendships as secondary to romantic relationships. Myself included in that. It's something I think hard about and will try to do better about, myself, but I can't ask that of my friends, because I think it's human nature. As long as they are still kind and considerate I'm not going to ask the world of them. Even though I'd like the world!

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