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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 6:02 am 
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Mr. Shankly wrote:
smoothie wrote:
And regarding being alone: I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn't make me happy. Being alone is not too bad at all, it gives you the chance to have intense affairs and meet new people and fall in love and spend all of your time and money doing exactly what YOU want.

I don't mean to pick on you or anything but I really, really, really hate it when people say things like this to other people. Yeah, most people are going to want to be alone than in a shitty relationship but it's not always black and white like that. Being afraid of being alone forever or not sharing a special bond with someone doesn't mean the alternative is that you are going to be in a shitty relationship. You can feel alone and be afraid of being alone forever and not jump into less than awesome relationships. It might, but it's not guaranteed. Second, maybe those are awesome reasons for you to be single but yeah, that's you and your personality. Not everyone likes meeting new people, not everyone wants to go on crazy adventurous and travel the world and do this and do that. Not everyone wants to have intense affairs and date around, and to some people spending money on just yourself isn't a big deal. I understand what you're saying but what one person finds positive about being single doesn't necessarily make it positive for everyone else. And kind of in response to the regular things I hear about this issue, you can totally be okay with yourself and be okay alone but also feel alone sometimes and want something more like a close bond or life partner. It's not always a self-esteem issue and it's not always feeling like you need someone in your life. I'm a fairly independent person who needs lots of alone time and I totally understand and can relate to the feeling of wanting a life partner, wanting something more than just friendships. I'm also the type of person who hates dating and just wants to be in a relationship so dating around isn't something I enjoy at all about being single. Having someone I feel super comfortable with, can have regular sex with, rely on, give and receive support and love and affection, having someone who shares interests with me and shares a life with me is something that I definitely want but it doesn't mean I always feel the need to be with someone, it doesn't mean I have something wrong with my self-esteem, it doesn't mean I'm okay limiting myself in my life, etc. And when I write all of this, I'm really replying to all of the same "words that we give single people when they say they feel alone" because honestly, it doesn't always apply.

I feel like it has to do more with what jopa states. In your 20's, some people can feel like their time to find a life partner is closing in and that it will only get harder, if not, impossible from here on out. I feel like that sometimes but then I think about where I want to be in 5-10 years and how much more awesome I will be at that point in my life and how I feel like I may be more likely to find someone I really hit it off with at that time. Maybe when I'm an established neurobiologist or whatever and am hanging with more like-minded people.



I was just sharing my feelings in regards to being single and it was meant more in relation to my own post before that one - obviously my feelings in regards to being single are not going to be the same as everyone else's - we're all very different people, with different emotions and lives. I was mostly just relating to boober's post, as it seems like we're kind of similar when it comes to thoughts about relationships and freedom.

I definitely don't think feeling alone is a sign that you have bad self-confidence or self-esteem. I think it's a perfectly healthy feeling. We all want and need different things at different times. I don't think wanting a partner makes you any less awesome, self-confident, smart or liberated at all. It's just something you want or miss.
But my own personal experience has definitely been that when I was single and wanted a partner, it was because of unhealthy old patterns, and it was definitely important for me to remind myself that anyone just wouldn't cut it. And after I dealt with those feelings, I found myself being a completely different person than I had been previously. So while it may be silly advice for you, for me it has been the best advice in the world. Just because it doesn't comply with you, doesn't mean it's bad advice. There is no universal advice (well, maybe besides "keep being awesome!") because we're all different.


eta: I guess it's kind of like when people give advice to people who just had their heart broken: some people need a friend who will join them in wallowing in their misery for a while, some people need to be left alone, some need to be taken out for drinks and never let alone and some people don't need any special treatment at all - none of that is wrong, but if you apply the wrong one on the wrong person, it's pretty bad! So I totally agree that what you write might be true for some, but there are people who are different.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 6:48 am 
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And he just broke up with me. By text. One single text message. Well shiitake.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 7:03 am 
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Up until the last couple years, my husband worked some crazy hours like coming home until 9pm was normal, and even 1am wasn't too abnormal. I never had an issue because he enjoyed his work. We would just do most of our together stuff on the weekends. Also, since early on in our relationship, I'd go for weekends and hang out with friends a couple times per year. I definitely think there are potential partners out there that can understand work obligations as well as hobbies and interests. If someone doesn't understand that, that doesn't mean everyone is like that.

And in terms of feeling difficulties in finding someone, in my late 20s, I think I felt like I slipped into the men with kids territory which was not where I wanted to be. In general, i was frustrated with dating and I actually gave up the idea of dating and figured I'd stop trying. I felt pretty free and was having fun doing stuff with girlfriends. Then my (friend at the time) husband told me that he'd like it if we would date so I figured maybe I could try dating again with him.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 7:42 am 
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flavabean wrote:
And he just broke up with me. By text. One single text message. Well shiitake.


What the fork! I'm so sorry! Did he say why? What a terrible and cowardly way to break up with someone :(

linanil wrote:
Up until the last couple years, my husband worked some crazy hours like coming home until 9pm was normal, and even 1am wasn't too abnormal. I never had an issue because he enjoyed his work. We would just do most of our together stuff on the weekends. Also, since early on in our relationship, I'd go for weekends and hang out with friends a couple times per year. I definitely think there are potential partners out there that can understand work obligations as well as hobbies and interests. If someone doesn't understand that, that doesn't mean everyone is like that.


I think, though, that in the context of art it can be a little different. Some people don't take the need and drive to make art important or relevant or like...a real job. It's not just about it being ok with passionate about what you're doing, but being respected for it as well. (If you're replying to boober's post!)

ETA: Oh! And T comes back tonight! Yayayayayayayayay!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 7:45 am 
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So sorry to hear that flavabean.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 8:09 am 
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allularpunk wrote:

linanil wrote:
Up until the last couple years, my husband worked some crazy hours like coming home until 9pm was normal, and even 1am wasn't too abnormal. I never had an issue because he enjoyed his work. We would just do most of our together stuff on the weekends. Also, since early on in our relationship, I'd go for weekends and hang out with friends a couple times per year. I definitely think there are potential partners out there that can understand work obligations as well as hobbies and interests. If someone doesn't understand that, that doesn't mean everyone is like that.


I think, though, that in the context of art it can be a little different. Some people don't take the need and drive to make art important or relevant or like...a real job. It's not just about it being ok with passionate about what you're doing, but being respected for it as well. (If you're replying to boober's post!)

ETA: Oh! And T comes back tonight! Yayayayayayayayay!


Yeah it's much less like someone respecting a hobby or interest and way more about finding someone who understands and accepts that there will always be something I care about more than them and still wants to date me knowing that.
Harder than it seems to find this. It's a lot to ask of someone.
(On a personal level: this is a separate issue to some other problems I have with trusting people, by talking about this I'm not laying my current singleness on the other person's inability to deal, just mentioning that this is a huge factor for me.)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 8:11 am 
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Flava, oh no! <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 8:15 am 
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I'm so sorry, flavabean :(

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 8:31 am 
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oh man I missed reading that flavabean! a single text? not cool at all on his part.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 8:49 am 
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What the heck? Text break ups are ridiculous.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:20 am 
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booberthefraggle wrote:
oh man I missed reading that flavabean! a single text? not cool at all on his part.

Agreed, text break ups are not cool.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:24 am 
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booberthefraggle wrote:
allularpunk wrote:

linanil wrote:
Up until the last couple years, my husband worked some crazy hours like coming home until 9pm was normal, and even 1am wasn't too abnormal. I never had an issue because he enjoyed his work. We would just do most of our together stuff on the weekends. Also, since early on in our relationship, I'd go for weekends and hang out with friends a couple times per year. I definitely think there are potential partners out there that can understand work obligations as well as hobbies and interests. If someone doesn't understand that, that doesn't mean everyone is like that.


I think, though, that in the context of art it can be a little different. Some people don't take the need and drive to make art important or relevant or like...a real job. It's not just about it being ok with passionate about what you're doing, but being respected for it as well. (If you're replying to boober's post!)

ETA: Oh! And T comes back tonight! Yayayayayayayayay!


Yeah it's much less like someone respecting a hobby or interest and way more about finding someone who understands and accepts that there will always be something I care about more than them and still wants to date me knowing that.
Harder than it seems to find this. It's a lot to ask of someone.
(On a personal level: this is a separate issue to some other problems I have with trusting people, by talking about this I'm not laying my current singleness on the other person's inability to deal, just mentioning that this is a huge factor for me.)


I do think there are people out there. I know there are different drives and people who understand that. I mentioned hobbies/interests because people often don't understand those and some people spend a lot of time/energy on those.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:33 am 
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seitanicverses wrote:
Yeah, I feel like women are conditioned to have their life planned out a certain way in our society like jopa says (i.e., in my day, the push was universally toward monogamous, heterosexual marriage for everyone. Now isn't that ridiculous?) but I don't listen to that white noise. I love companionship, I love being alone, there are attributes to both. Your life is what you make it whether you are alone, in a couple, in a commune, in a nunnery/monastery so try not to fret too much. And we all die alone, anyhoo whatever our existence alive is, in death we are always one single entity. You can't take it with you, as they say. So you'll die alone regardless. There. Feel better?

<3 all of this.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:42 am 
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booberthefraggle wrote:
allularpunk wrote:

linanil wrote:
Up until the last couple years, my husband worked some crazy hours like coming home until 9pm was normal, and even 1am wasn't too abnormal. I never had an issue because he enjoyed his work. We would just do most of our together stuff on the weekends. Also, since early on in our relationship, I'd go for weekends and hang out with friends a couple times per year. I definitely think there are potential partners out there that can understand work obligations as well as hobbies and interests. If someone doesn't understand that, that doesn't mean everyone is like that.


I think, though, that in the context of art it can be a little different. Some people don't take the need and drive to make art important or relevant or like...a real job. It's not just about it being ok with passionate about what you're doing, but being respected for it as well. (If you're replying to boober's post!)

ETA: Oh! And T comes back tonight! Yayayayayayayayay!


Yeah it's much less like someone respecting a hobby or interest and way more about finding someone who understands and accepts that there will always be something I care about more than them and still wants to date me knowing that.
Harder than it seems to find this. It's a lot to ask of someone.
(On a personal level: this is a separate issue to some other problems I have with trusting people, by talking about this I'm not laying my current singleness on the other person's inability to deal, just mentioning that this is a huge factor for me.)


I don't know that it's specific to art. I think that having that kind of drive, whether it's to create art, make music, run marathons, or do anything that requires a similar level of intense dedication, can be a tough sell sometimes. I know that finding something in my life (bike racing, obvs) that requires that I spend lots of my free time working on it, and that causes pain and suffering but also lots of joy, and feels super necessary in my life (which is similar, I think, to how that artistic urge feels, if I recall correctly) has pushed some people away in my life. Some people just don't seem to understand that desire, it seems, whether they are friends, family members, partners, or potential partners. Hell, some people think I'm actually insane. However, just because someone doesn't understand, doesn't mean they can't be an awesome part of your life. The important thing, I think, is for both you and your potential partners to understand that it doesn't have to be an either/or.

As far as saying "there will always be something I care about more than [a partner,]" Boober, I get what you're saying, but I'd try not to think of it in terms of comparing the two. You can have your artistic passion AND a partner in your life without ever having to stack the two up next to each other, and it might actually be that mindset that makes it difficult to feel a connection with someone more than the fact of you having this artistic passion itself. It's not like you're ever going to be asked to save either your artistic passion or your partner from a burning building and have to choose, right? Rather than think about it that way, maybe try to focus on being around people who understand and/or genuinely enjoy your passion, and complement it in your life - people who don't see it as a competition between your passion and their relationship with you. The two things can absolutely coexist. Anyway, I hope that doesn't sound all know it all. It's something I've thought about in a past relationship and in relation to some of my friends, and your post made me think of it. I hope it's helpful to think about, anyway! <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 10:01 am 
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I agree. My partner and I are both artistic in different genres, and definitely carry that crazy-artist label at times, but there are all sorts of things that we are both intensely nuts about. I am a perfectionist in day jobs and obsessed with working hard and never winding down. He is more relaxed in the day job but the time in his studio is precious. My writing time is precious. I take ballet classes that I feel like I need to like, survive, and he can stay at home watching movies on his computer and it's okay that he doesn't get something so important to me. When I'm being creative and when he's being creative we don't talk or bug each other. We have collaborated, but that's such a different thing. Heck, we're married but we purposely have one day each once a week where the one person works a day job so the other can just immerse themselves in art. We have the same employer at our day jobs and they keep asking us if we want our "weekends" to be synched so we can "spend more time together" and we're like, hell no! We love each other but we are also independent souls who need to reach for what we are passionate about in a really solitary way.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 11:31 am 
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Yeah, I absolutely agree with what Jopa and vijita say about drive and how it's not a competition with intimacy but it's part of accepting who someone is as their whole person. I can't be with someone who doesn't understand that the time I spend being creative isn't shunning them and doesn't, in fact, have anything to do with them. It's entirely separate from them and is simply part of who I am. I hope that any future significant others I may find in my life have hobbies too they immerse themselves in and find joy in and have goals to strive for in that realm the way I do!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 11:39 am 
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Flava, I am so sorry. Its always so hard when a break-up comes out of the blue when you thought everything was going well. And to do it by text so it can't be a conversation that the two of you have, which would give you both some closure, is unkind.

(((Hugs to you)))

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 12:05 pm 
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So sorry, flava.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 2:12 pm 
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I'm sorry, flava. what a completely unclassy move.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 2:45 pm 
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A few days back, I think we were talking about if someone connects with touch or words or whatever? Or there was an issue that could stem from it?

Anyway, I took the quiz here a few weeks back. What did you get?
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I got:
11 Physical Touch
7 Quality Time
6 Words of Affirmation
4 Acts of Service
2 Receiving Gifts

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 4:55 pm 
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That was difficult, especially when some of them were totally unrelated, but anyway mine goes like this:

9 Quality Time
7 Physical Touch
6 Words of Affirmation
4 Receiving Gifts
4 Acts of Service

And it's pretty much spot on. I value quality alone time with my partner, I need to be touched to feel close, and if I don't hear how much someone digs me fairly often, I start to doubt it. Interesting.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 5:14 pm 
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I am so sorry flava. Big hugs to you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 5:54 pm 
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Good quiz! I got
11 for quality time (highest is 12)
5 for verbal support
5 for physical affection
3 for service
0 for gifts

My husband is the most service oriented person - he is always doing little things for me, and I always wish we could just do more together

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 6:01 pm 
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Tongue in cheek look at 'being alone forever'.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 6:08 pm 
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I didn't get past the intro to the quiz. The only two options are "married" or "single"? Seriously? I'm not single, but neither am I someone's wife. That didn't give me a lot of faith in the thinking behind the rest of the quiz.

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