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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 04, 2013 8:06 pm 
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I'm so glad you have such an awesome support system pp.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 11:28 am 
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T texted me saying that he has something to tell me later. Which sounds ominous, but he used a smiley face, so. Then he said it wasn't that exciting. Then he said but it was exciting for him. What the hell! How will I live with the suspense until DINNERTIME?

ETA: It's probably something related to his business, but I'm secretly hoping he's going to be a mushface and tell me how much he looooooves me, haha.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 12:08 pm 
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Sex and cheating leading to tears, that is my relationship bisque for the time being. So. I was fully cheated on by my live-in boyfriend. I am so hurt, and embarrassed, and confused. The girl he cheated on me with fessed up to me, but I had a suspicion anyway. It shouldn't be this complicated after only a few months into the relationship, but I fell for him, and now I feel stoopid and fragile. He says he is sorry, he loves me, but I just don't know. I dont have a lot of experience in what to do here, and if I decide to change the status of our relationship or end the relationship, I would be needing to (so humiliating!) call my parents and move out a.s.a.p. I know I shouldn't allow this to continue, because I mean, really, who cheats after being with another person only about 100 days, and nothing but sex multiple times per day within that frame? I know it's not me, I really worry there may b some type of compulsion or pathology to this cheating, since it involved porn ( he is a recovering porn addict) and in fact the atempted cover up of the act on his part has a weird element, as the girl says he like pulled her arm to get her attention after and threatened to go "crazy" on her if she told, which I have not yet confirmed with him, to me and mutual friends, we think it doesn't sound like him, but at this point I m so confused like what do I know, anyway, right. I should mention the girl has, and proudly admits to having, issues like personality disorder, lying, mental health type stuff too. And I don't blame her for sleeping with him, she is single. Anyways, its not like I didn't know my bf has issues. I am just going thru hell right now and wish he had never done this to us.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 12:20 pm 
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1strangegirlbygolly! wrote:
It shouldn't be this complicated after only a few months into the relationship... I know I shouldn't allow this to continue...

Every red flag I have is waving. Please listen to these words of yours. There's no shame in moving in with your parents. That's what support systems are for, use them!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 12:32 pm 
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1strangegirlbygolly! wrote:
Sex and cheating leading to tears, that is my relationship bisque for the time being. So. I was fully cheated on by my live-in boyfriend. I am so hurt, and embarrassed, and confused. The girl he cheated on me with fessed up to me, but I had a suspicion anyway. It shouldn't be this complicated after only a few months into the relationship, but I fell for him, and now I feel stoopid and fragile. He says he is sorry, he loves me, but I just don't know. I dont have a lot of experience in what to do here, and if I decide to change the status of our relationship or end the relationship, I would be needing to (so humiliating!) call my parents and move out a.s.a.p. I know I shouldn't allow this to continue, because I mean, really, who cheats after being with another person only about 100 days, and nothing but sex multiple times per day within that frame? I know it's not me, I really worry there may b some type of compulsion or pathology to this cheating, since it involved porn ( he is a recovering porn addict) and in fact the atempted cover up of the act on his part has a weird element, as the girl says he like pulled her arm to get her attention after and threatened to go "crazy" on her if she told, which I have not yet confirmed with him, to me and mutual friends, we think it doesn't sound like him, but at this point I m so confused like what do I know, anyway, right. I should mention the girl has, and proudly admits to having, issues like personality disorder, lying, mental health type stuff too. And I don't blame her for sleeping with him, she is single. Anyways, its not like I didn't know my bf has issues. I am just going thru hell right now and wish he had never done this to us.


Get out get out get out! I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, but in my experience cheating and lying just leads to more cheating and lying, and in the end, total heartbreak. I was in a long term relationship with a guy that cheated on me at least 3 or 4 times early on, and I stayed. I really wish I hadn't. It led me to never trust him, and even when he really fell for me and was committed, I never believed it (and still am not sure, even outside of it years later). He ended up proposing and I broke it off with him because I just never could tell if he was lying to me...all because of the first few months of our relationship. I should have broken up with him the SECOND I found out he cheated. Now I'm all paranoid about being cheated on all the time and have trust issues. I totally understand not wanting to break up because you love him, because that's exactly what I did, but I'm telling you - it is NOT worth it.

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55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 12:33 pm 
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OSG, this guy sounds like terrible, terrible, terrible news. I know that you've relatively recently gotten out of a very long-term relationship, and I know that when that happens, it can be really hard to make good decisions and feel in control of your emotions (at least, that's been my experience), since everything feels so out of whack and unusual. I'm not trying to belittle your relationship or your feelings or anything else, but based on what you've posted here, I'd urge you to RUN in the other direction from this guy, and then take some time to get yourself in a good, strong headspace. I know you're an amazing person and mom, and you deserve better than drama and crepe right off the bat. <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 12:35 pm 
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Thank you, Mars. Imam crying I think because bf is out and I feel.okay to be vulnerable alone. I don't need the red flags because I do know about them, my dilemma is I don't understand the WHY of why someone has to perpetrate behavior to get red flags a-flagging. Thought I could fix this guy and , silly me , that I would b backed up by his other care workers, who, I don't know, CARE for him. It shoulda coulda would worked. But yeah, due to his own guilt, he also had been lately being very accusatory towards ME about other guys. Very, very unloving and twisted.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 12:44 pm 
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I'd add to my previous post: I am dating a recovering (recovered?) addict now, and I've learned a few things about that situation, and the first and most important is that you absolutely CANNOT fix an addict. In the case of my boyfriend, he's been clean for over six years and has worked really hard to get there. He has had to do the work himself, and he has to WANT to keep doing it, and there is absolutely no substitute for that. In fact, that's something I really respect and love about him. I know not everyone has the strength to come back from the place that he has, and the fact that he has to work every day to keep on track and DOES is, well, kind of amazing and inspiring to me.

Anyway, I completely support him in his continuing recovery in any way I can, but we both know that the work has to be done by him. You can't fix or support someone who isn't putting in the work themselves, or who isn't far enough in their recovery that they can set up the necessary boundaries.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 12:45 pm 
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Thanks ladies. It means a lot.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 12:53 pm 
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1strangegirlbygolly!, please, get out of there. Save yourself the inevitable bigger heartbreak than what you're experiencing now. You can't fix him and you absolutely don't deserve the shiitake he is putting on you. You're better than this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:00 pm 
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yeah. I may have to get out of here sooner than later. Though it is hard hard hard. May happen that this gets ended now or maybe I stick it out and let it go on til later down the line. Because circumstances. But yeah, now I know.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:03 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
I'd add to my previous post: I am dating a recovering (recovered?) addict now, and I've learned a few things about that situation, and the first and most important is that you absolutely CANNOT fix an addict. In the case of my boyfriend, he's been clean for over six years and has worked really hard to get there. He has had to do the work himself, and he has to WANT to keep doing it, and there is absolutely no substitute for that. In fact, that's something I really respect and love about him. I know not everyone has the strength to come back from the place that he has, and the fact that he has to work every day to keep on track and DOES is, well, kind of amazing and inspiring to me.

Anyway, I completely support him in his continuing recovery in any way I can, but we both know that the work has to be done by him. You can't fix or support someone who isn't putting in the work themselves, or who isn't far enough in their recovery that they can set up the necessary boundaries.


How awesome! There is such a stigma around recovered addicts too that really needs to just dsiappear. Good for him for having the strength to carry on after something like this-addiction is a killer.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:12 pm 
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PP, you are incredibly lucky for the support and love your husband shows you during hard times. I really wish I had this from my husband. I feel like I'm drowning right now and like usual my husband is no where to be found. He claims if I tell him what I need he will do anything to help. This I do believe is true. However when I barely know which end is up how do I know what to ask for? I just wish some days I had a partner who got me the way T obviousy gets you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:24 pm 
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Just thinking about something. Sorry I'm all over this thread today, I'm just home alone and spending the day thinking.

My T is incredibly defensive when it comes to his work and the business. I know that a lot of women he has dated have had a problem with how committed he is. For example, if we're out to dinner and he gets a call that something is wrong there, the date is put on hold and he goes to work. It doesn't happen often, but I can see someone who didn't really 'get' it...well, not getting it. I think that because I worked there for years before he and I got together, that I understand more. All of his money is sunk into that place, so its success is extra important to him. I actually admire it! He works so hard! It is a little inconvenient sometimes, and he is so stressed about it all the time, but I get it, you know? Anyway, sometimes I tease him, which I shouldn't, about how hard he works. For example, this morning he was getting out of bed and I was like, 'Noooooo stay in beddddd, fork that place! haha!' and he got all serious, like, 'That's just how it is, doll, either you can put up with it or you can't' all matter-of-fact-like. He does that a lot. And again, I understand why - he's been broken up with by women he's cared about not being able to deal with his level of commitment to that place. Anyway, it's just funny to me, kind of. I always tell him that I get it and that it's not a big deal to me, that I like that about him and that it's totally worth 'putting up with' for lack of a better phrase. Sometimes it's difficult dating someone who has been burned so many times before...but I'm sure I'm no piece of cake, either!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:33 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
For example, if we're out to dinner and he gets a call that something is wrong there, the date is put on hold and he goes to work. It doesn't happen often, but I can see someone who didn't really 'get' it...well, not getting it.

I was born and raised to two retail storefront kind of business owners, so I feel like that's just how life is! Also I actually quite romanticize the more stereotypically 'unfortunate' side to being a business owner. I want that to be me someday. It's nice that you are supportive of it!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:44 pm 
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Mars wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
For example, if we're out to dinner and he gets a call that something is wrong there, the date is put on hold and he goes to work. It doesn't happen often, but I can see someone who didn't really 'get' it...well, not getting it.

I was born and raised to two retail storefront kind of business owners, so I feel like that's just how life is! Also I actually quite romanticize the more stereotypically 'unfortunate' side to being a business owner. I want that to be me someday. It's nice that you are supportive of it!


Yeah! Like, when I worked there, I always found it incredibly awesome and sexy that if the kitchen was backed up he would come in and wash dishes. It drove most people crazy, but I loved it. Now I see it from a more personal side and I still love it! If he just sat back and was like, 'Oh, they'll handle it', it would make me nervous. If I owned a business, I would be all up in that shiitake, too!

ETA: That being said, I bet that most of his employees love it now that he has a girlfriend and we go on dates on Friday nights. The collective groan that would sound through the restaurant when he would appear on a busy Friday night was pretty hilarious. (Except for me! Looking back, I did everything I could to be around him as much as possible when he was there...I must have had this crush squelched for quite some time.)

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 2:16 pm 
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Mars wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
For example, if we're out to dinner and he gets a call that something is wrong there, the date is put on hold and he goes to work. It doesn't happen often, but I can see someone who didn't really 'get' it...well, not getting it.

I was born and raised to two retail storefront kind of business owners, so I feel like that's just how life is! Also I actually quite romanticize the more stereotypically 'unfortunate' side to being a business owner. I want that to be me someday. It's nice that you are supportive of it!

Omg, me too on the romanticizing part. I would love to have something that I'm so passionate about that the work is just part of my life.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 11:12 pm 
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What did T end up saying to you? The thing you thought was was going to be an "I love you"?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 3:44 am 
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onestrangegirl I know you're already thinking you should end it but one thing i really got from your post was the embarrassment that this had happened. And of course you really can't stay in a relationship that's not working mainly to avoid embarrassment, or losing face, or anyone saying 'I told you so'.
If you stay for 'practical' reasons you might end up getting sucked back in, and/or being hurt by more dysfunction. Sometimes we put more focus on avoiding practical difficulties but although it might seem easier at the time I think actually the fallout from emotional difficulties can be far reaching and, in the future, harder to live through and recover from. As well as potentially forking up our future relationships.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 9:57 am 
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hugs 1strangegirl. Good luck doing whatever you need to do for you.

AP - what was it?? You are totally leaving us hanging :)

I'm leaving town today and my dude has been the absolute sweetest the last couple of days. At his insistence, we checked twice to make sure that Skype works (assuming I have wifi, but I know the app works on my iPad). He's been even more physically affectionate than usual. And he's let me jabber on and on about travel prep (which doesn't really interest him), which I appreciate because then I remember things I forgot. I'll only be gone a few weeks this time, I can only imagine how it will be if I ever go on a multi-month trip!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 10:09 am 
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Sorry, all, just now had a chance to get on the webs. Uh, he told me that his cousin has an extra ticket to see The Eagles tonight, out of town. He wanted me to go, but there's only one ticket. I'm upset, because he just got back from Mexico and is leaving again, this is my last free weekend before work starts back up and I was looking forward to sleeping in with him tomorrow, and I'm having a really bad mental health...moment. It is irrational, but I feel abandoned and left out. And we were going to hang out before he left, but he's held up at work, so instead I'm alone and crying on his couch. Being emotional is terrible.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 10:11 am 
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takecare wrote:
I just meant to open this thread and opened the "Space to post things that do not go with any other topic..." thread instead. I was SO CONFUSED about why everyone was talking about making seitan, hula hoops, and their dogs.


I think the FRC warned us that gay marriage was a slippery slope.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 10:16 am 
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So he is going without you? I hope he isn't if he could hang out with you instead given the limited time available! Plus, The Eagles, really?? They still exist?

I hope you can find something fun to do while he is at work! Sometimes just doing some sort of busywork helps get me out of an emotional funk. Like making these stars... slightly tedious, but repetitive and oddly satisfying. I have bags of them (I use whatever paper is handy and cut my own strips). Probably not helpful. But HUGS!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 10:51 am 
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rentaghost wrote:
onestrangegirl I know you're already thinking you should end it but one thing i really got from your post was the embarrassment that this had happened. And of course you really can't stay in a relationship that's not working mainly to avoid embarrassment, or losing face, or anyone saying 'I told you so'.
If you stay for 'practical' reasons you might end up getting sucked back in, and/or being hurt by more dysfunction. Sometimes we put more focus on avoiding practical difficulties but although it might seem easier at the time I think actually the fallout from emotional difficulties can be far reaching and, in the future, harder to live through and recover from. As well as potentially forking up our future relationships.


Yeah, in college I pretty much moved into my most awful ex's dorm room, and really didn't think I should still be with her for a few months but she caused so much stress/distance between me and my best friends/roommates that I was scared to leave her and have to go back to my own dorm room because I didn't know how much damage was done in that time I was gone.

Of course once I was back, people were nice and supportive and I shouldn't have assumed that the damage was just too big to overcome. I missed half of a school year that I could have been living with awesome people! And even if that relationship was only 5 months, it was by far the most damaging one I was in, and the side effects carried on for years, and indeed did screw up future relationship dynamics.


So, do protect your emotional health and deal with it by leaving now!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:52 am 
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Pi. wrote:
So he is going without you? I hope he isn't if he could hang out with you instead given the limited time available! Plus, The Eagles, really?? They still exist?

I hope you can find something fun to do while he is at work! Sometimes just doing some sort of busywork helps get me out of an emotional funk. Like making these stars... slightly tedious, but repetitive and oddly satisfying. I have bags of them (I use whatever paper is handy and cut my own strips). Probably not helpful. But HUGS!!!


Yeah, he's going. And he is being rather short with me. Thanks for the link to keep my hands busy.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

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