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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 12:19 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
Pi. wrote:
So he is going without you?

Yeah, he's going. And he is being rather short with me. Thanks for the link to keep my hands busy.


Wow. Granted, I don't know all the details, but I'd be annoyed if my dude chose a concert over me. It's okay to be emotional over it. If he wanted to see The Eagles so badly, he should have planned ahead... I feel like last minute offers of ticket(s) don't have to be accepted if it interferes with other stuff.

My guy was going to be busy today and I hinted that he had best spend the day with me (even though we aren't really doing anything, it's nice to have him around before I don't see him for weeks). He's bad at picking up hints, but he got that one.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 12:36 pm 
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It sucks that you're feeling hurt, aluar! But I feel like it sounds like something he was super excited to have the opportunity for (hence the 'something to tell you' comment) and now I bet he's acting short because he feels butt-hurt that you weren't excited for him, too.

I mean, I don't like the Eagles so it's hard to really sympathize (heh), but nah, if I think about it in terms of something I really liked, yeah I would be in the same boat as him. And it doesn't sound like he cancelled on any plans, just expectations. Which he couldn't have really known about. Seems obvious, yeah, but doesn't everything seem obvious in hindsight? He might also be butt-hurt that you didn't make an attempt at going with him. (Yeah, it's probably sold out I imagine, but logic is not always present).

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 12:43 pm 
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I'm sorry you're having a bad mental health day allularpunk, that sucks & I hope you're okay. Did your dude know that before agreeing to go? If not then I think I agree with Mars. If you guys had actual plans to go to another gig or to go out with friends and he ditched those plans when something better came up I'd be pissed too but if someone offered me a ticket to see a band I liked I'd blow off just chilling with my dude (as would he!) and it wouldn't be a big deal. I mean if I was about to go travelling for a month and it was our last night together then no, that'd be different, but you can see him tomorrow / this week sometime right?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 1:14 pm 
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Mars wrote:
And it doesn't sound like he cancelled on any plans, just expectations. Which he couldn't have really known about.

Ah yes, this is a valid point! I've definitely gotten mad at ex-boyfriends when they couldn't read my mind and weren't aware of my expectations. Not fair to them and frustrating for me.

I read it as he is only in town for a super short amount of time. That could be a misinterpretation of mine though! AP, I hope you have an awesome weekend and do something better than being in a loud arena concert of a band I thought didn't exist anymore (sorry Eagles fans).


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 2:22 pm 
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Oh yes, you guys are totally right! We didn't have specific plans, and honestly on any other weekend, I really wouldn't care, it's just my state of mind getting me down. And he doesn't really like the Eagles, but he does love love love hanging out with his cousin, who he doesn't get to see very often, so I'm sure that's the main reason he wanted to go, and I totally understand! I promise I'm not a selfish monster, haha...and neither is he - he didn't know I was feeling down before he agreed to go. And he gets short when he's in one of his 'modes', on top of the fact that I was being pretty mopey, I'm not mad about it.

Anyway, I got myself a trashy Tofutti pizza and some fancy coconut milk ice cream and plan on laying in bed and watching tv on my laptop and generally being useless, which is going to be great.

ETA: Oh! Also, he offered to stop at Whole Foods to get me whatever I wanted since there's one where he's going. I told him to just go and buy everything he could find that said 'vegan' on it and he's totally going to do it. So that's pretty sweet.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 4:56 pm 
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allularpunk thats sounds like a pretty decent night to me... I would make sure to watch something I know my partner would scoff at. Some foreign indie coming of age drama with a strong female lead. Hah.

So... let me ask the PPK this...
Doesn't everyone know that an apology that goes, "I'm sorry you felt bad" or "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" or "I'm sorry you... anything else," is not really an apology? I have tried to explain this concept to my husband a couple of times and he just does not get why I'm not thrilled with his so-called apologies. Every time he "apologizes" I feel it's put back on me. Like his saying a mean comment to me in anger wouldn't be a problem if I didn't get my wussy feelings hurt.

If everyone does not know this then I think there needs to be PSAs.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 5:19 pm 
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Yeah, those apologies are bullshiitake. I'm not saying I've never given one to someone, but only when I didn't really want to apologize and still thought I was right. (Mostly about stuff that happened between me and coworkers when I waited tables, not anything serious in a relationship.)

Ate my pizza. Wish I would have gotten a bigger one, because I'm still hungry. I'm glad to have my appetite back, though. Guess it's on to ice cream!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 6:05 pm 
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I usually call out those apologies because you can't apologize for how I feel. My feelings are not yours to apologize for. But it's not like I need apologies, I want recognition of why whatever wasn't cool so we won't relive the same fight over and over and over. Sorry for sorry's sake does no good.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 6:24 pm 
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erynne936 wrote:
allularpunk thats sounds like a pretty decent night to me... I would make sure to watch something I know my partner would scoff at. Some foreign indie coming of age drama with a strong female lead. Hah.

So... let me ask the PPK this...
Doesn't everyone know that an apology that goes, "I'm sorry you felt bad" or "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" or "I'm sorry you... anything else," is not really an apology? I have tried to explain this concept to my husband a couple of times and he just does not get why I'm not thrilled with his so-called apologies. Every time he "apologizes" I feel it's put back on me. Like his saying a mean comment to me in anger wouldn't be a problem if I didn't get my wussy feelings hurt.

If everyone does not know this then I think there needs to be PSAs.


Its called a nonpology!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 7:03 pm 
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Shy Mox wrote:
erynne936 wrote:
allularpunk thats sounds like a pretty decent night to me... I would make sure to watch something I know my partner would scoff at. Some foreign indie coming of age drama with a strong female lead. Hah.

So... let me ask the PPK this...
Doesn't everyone know that an apology that goes, "I'm sorry you felt bad" or "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" or "I'm sorry you... anything else," is not really an apology? I have tried to explain this concept to my husband a couple of times and he just does not get why I'm not thrilled with his so-called apologies. Every time he "apologizes" I feel it's put back on me. Like his saying a mean comment to me in anger wouldn't be a problem if I didn't get my wussy feelings hurt.

If everyone does not know this then I think there needs to be PSAs.


Its called a nonpology!


Snort.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 7:15 pm 
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GAH, my ex was the king of non apology apologies. At first I didn't noticed his wording and he'd say it pretty sincere sounding, so I thought he meant it. Then I noticed it, but when I was like um, what? He'd go on a guilt trip and some how I'd end up being the one aplogizing. It was total bull.

Another question about apologies. What do they mean to you guys? For me an apology means something you did hurt someone, and you feel bad about that and wish it hadn't. For my ex it was admiting you were wrong. (And since my ex was never (*cough*) wrong, there was no need to apologize.)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 7:24 pm 
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Simply_Love wrote:

Another question about apologies. What do they mean to you guys? For me an apology means something you did hurt someone, and you feel bad about that and wish it hadn't. For my ex it was admiting you were wrong. (And since my ex was never (*cough*) wrong, there was no need to apologize.)


I feel like those are two different things. You can apologize for your actions or words hurting someone and you can also apologize for being wrong. Although usually when I'm wrong, I just said, 'I was wrong!' And then my boyfriend says, 'Wow, say that again?' as if I never admit that I'm wrong (I do!).

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 7:29 pm 
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I totally agree with that. I tired to explain that to him, but he was dead set in believing apologizing and admitting you were wrong were one in the same, always.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 7:33 pm 
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Simply_Love wrote:
GAH, my ex was the king of non apology apologies. At first I didn't noticed his wording and he'd say it pretty sincere sounding, so I thought he meant it. Then I noticed it, but when I was like um, what? He'd go on a guilt trip and some how I'd end up being the one aplogizing. It was total bull.

Another question about apologies. What do they mean to you guys? For me an apology means something you did hurt someone, and you feel bad about that and wish it hadn't. For my ex it was admiting you were wrong. (And since my ex was never (*cough*) wrong, there was no need to apologize.)


I think it depends! Sometimes when you're wrong its like "I'm sorry, you were right and I shouldn't have argued!" But sometimes when people are right they can be huge jerks about it, which isn't cool even if they're right.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 9:30 pm 
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Fee wrote:
I usually call out those apologies because you can't apologize for how I feel. My feelings are not yours to apologize for. But it's not like I need apologies, I want recognition of why whatever wasn't cool so we won't relive the same fight over and over and over. Sorry for sorry's sake does no good.


This exactly! And I really like how you worded the first sentence, I've never heard it put that way, but its that exactly.

And my pet relationship peeve is when you talk something through, you think you have achieved something, and then you have exactly the same fight again within the next 24 hours. Its like Groundhog Day. Oh and it also sucks when someone apologizes to you just to shut you up and doesn't get it

I recently realized that my husband actually cannot hear what I am saying while he is triggered, so I've just been leaving him alone and letting him come to me once he's calmed down. It has made our arguments a lot less intense.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 8:57 am 
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booberthefraggle wrote:
got some A+ relationship advice from my boss today: "if they don’t care about the art that you are making, then they are not worth dating"



spitting truth yo


RULE NUMERO UNO

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 9:05 am 
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choirqueer wrote:
booberthefraggle wrote:
got some A+ relationship advice from my boss today: "if they don’t care about the art that you are making, then they are not worth dating"



spitting truth yo


RULE NUMERO UNO


This is seriously true. I don't do a ton of artmaking anymore, but I do some whimsical ceramics pieces now and then. Every time I bring one over to show to T, he insists on keeping it and won't let me leave the house with it again, haha... (Which is fine, because I don't really have room for a bunch of stuff at my place and I'm not in a place where I'm ready to sell.)

ETA: Oh, and it feels super awesome to have someone like what I'm doing.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:04 am 
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Thanks for your support on my theory about the non-pology, PPK! And yes, what I am looking for is not the apology itself, though it's nice to hear. What I would want is for husband to acknowledge his behavior was hurtful and make a concerted effort not to do the same behavior in the future. It's the future change I'm looking for. But that requires taking responsibility for oneself and trying to change, not putting the responsibility on someone else.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:24 am 
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Just got word from my guy that he hasn't even left Louisville yet, which is a good 3 hours away. Only irritating because he told me he'd be home around 1, and now it's going to be more like 4 or 5. I just hate expecting something and then it changing at the last minute. Also, I'm bummed because this is two weekends in a row we haven't been able to spend together, and that's really the only quality time we get because he spends his time during the week being so stressed about work.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:43 am 
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allularpunk wrote:
Just got word from my guy that he hasn't even left Louisville yet, which is a good 3 hours away. Only irritating because he told me he'd be home around 1, and now it's going to be more like 4 or 5. I just hate expecting something and then it changing at the last minute. Also, I'm bummed because this is two weekends in a row we haven't been able to spend together, and that's really the only quality time we get because he spends his time during the week being so stressed about work.


The cause of suffering is attachments to things, including expectations of how things will go/turn out. When we release our attachments we can avoid suffering.

Your guy is busy doing his life. What are you doing? Are there some things you could be busy doing in your life, instead of being subjected to this yucky feeling of sort of waiting on him? Maybe being engrossed in a project? Seeing friends? Exercising? Reading? Writing?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:45 am 
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I've been doing things.

It just always takes me time to get used to sudden changes in plans, be it with a significant other, family member, or friend. Or even work things, for that matter. I'm a planner, I like to have my days meticulously planned out (even if part of the plan is just downtime/alone time). I know this makes me a flawed human being, but it has always been a part of who I am. I expect too much out of people, probably, and get disappointed too easily.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:49 am 
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We are all flawed human beings! That's what makes us human. Argh. :)

And if your guy isn't being respectful to you and is in essence wasting your time because he is supposed to see you at x time and he is like 4 hours late then that's definitely a concern.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 12:07 pm 
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I am going to say something to him about it. But I guess I can't be too mad, because one of the reasons he is running extra late is that he's at Whole Foods right now buying me a bunch of tasty food that I can't get here. Not that presents solve everything, of course, but that is rather sweet.

I feel like one of the reasons I react in this way to stuff like this, rather than just...go with the flow, is anxiety based. I used to have horrible anxiety, and thankfully it has lessened a lot, but one of the things that helps keep me from being anxious is planning and having control over my life. Of course, this is not always realistic, because shiitake happens. I'm just a little off balance this past week or so and especially the past couple of days, so having control is extra important to me...and I don't have it, so I'm feeling extra anxious. Anxiety, fun! I mean, he really yesterday said he would be home 'around 1', and yeah I know that 4 or 5 isn't 'around one', but we didn't have specific plans and he doesn't get to see his cousin often, and I know that sometimes I push back my leaving time when I'm with my family because I don't get to see them often either. So I'm not really mad at him at all, just feeling out of control and anxious and generally out of whack.

Now! I'm going to go wash dishes and cook soup and eggplant dip to take up some of this extra time :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 12:45 pm 
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I have found mindfulness stuff to be very helpful with anxiety and wanting to control things I cannot control (including my partner, ha!). Ekhart Tolle's The Power of Now is excellent for this. It teaches us to be in the present moment, and that we can never cope with the future. Trying to cope with the future is impossible, because it is a delusion (something we make up in our mind). We can always cope with the present moment, however. Being aware of if my thoughts are about the future (anxiety) or the past (depression) and making myself return to the present moment over and over again has been helpful. While washing your dishes and making your dip keep focusing intensely on each tiny action you are doing in the present moment when you notice your thoughts start to stray into future/anxiety territory. You will have to do it a trillion times, but hopefully it might help.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 1:53 pm 
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Thank you!

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