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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 6:53 am 
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ijustdiedinside wrote:

P.S. the band is the bare naked ladies and i haaaaate that song "one week" with a fiery passion, but they have some other nerdy fun stuff that isn't bad.

Hahahaha. That song is the worst!

I don't think it really matters if my partner and I disagree on music. I despise one of his favourite bands (Phish), and I'm not quiet about it when he is blasting their music, and I simply can't understand why he doesn't want to listen to Leonard Cohen every waking hour of the day. We don't really care at this point. Several years ago in San Francisco we went to see one of the bands we both agree on and I hated the experience for various reasons, and he had hurt feelings about it. Then we went to Leonard Cohen together recently and I almost think he wanted to hate it to get back at me but he didn't because duh, Leonard Cohen, and duh, we are not children.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 1:20 pm 
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Update on my talk with T! It was short, but we both felt better afterward. When I got to his house, he was toootally acting like nothing had even happened and was being rather nice, so that was actually a good jumping off point for me. I told him I had to talk to him for a minute and he squirmed and whined a little, but let me say what I had to say. Actually, I'm going to do it this way, so I don't have to keep typing 'he said, I said' (also, I'm going to paraphrase, for simplicity):

Me: You absolutely cannot tell me anymore that I'm only in this relationship for the sex, because it really, really hurts my feelings.
T: Ok...but sometimes it does seem like it! Because you talk about it all the time! (He meant the 'why aren't we doing it?' stuff)
Me: I know I have been lately. But when you push me away when I touch you or make a face when I try to kiss you, it hurts so bad! So I want to talk about it, even though I'm mostly positive it's just you being stressed. But you're taking it out on me, and that sucks. I know we talked early on about how I shouldn't take your stress actions so personally, but sometimes it's hard when you act like that.
T: nods, gets it.
Me: Also, I just want to point out that I am also very stressed right now with the camps I'm organizing and teaching, and the cooking classes and being jerked around by those people. When I get stressed, I get hypersensitive and want to talk about ALL OF THE THINGS, which is interacting badly with how you express your stress.
T: I know you are. Here's the thing - everything with you is so extreme and intense these days! I want this to be fun and easy!

And here is where I really stopped to think. When he said that, I almost felt a rush of relief. When things were lighter between us, I was so much happier. I knew that he wanted and needed to take the emotional side of things slowly, and I did my usual thing of falling super hard and being super intense about it right away, which was exactly what we both agreed not to do. And if being super emotionally intense isn't making me feel good, that's a problem for me as well as him...so in that moment I decided to try to lighten up. I don't think I'm ignoring my feelings, because I can feel those things and still not be all like, 'LETS TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE AND KIDS AND MOVING IN TOGETHER', but just have fun together. Because we do have the most fun. So anyway...

Me: I want that too! How about this. We lighten things up, and you try harder not to push me away.
T: Agreed.

Then hugs and kisses and we actually snuggled in bed for the first time in weeks that night. Who knows where it will go from here, but I am proud of myself for saying what I did, and I think we came to a good resolution for both of us. You can be in a monogamous relationship that has a future without putting tons of pressure on it by talking about it all the time. I'm feeling pretty good. Like a lot of pressure has been taken off of me, even though I was the one putting it on in the first place.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 6:09 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
Me: I want that too! How about this. We lighten things up, and you try harder not to push me away.
T: Agreed.

Then hugs and kisses and we actually snuggled in bed for the first time in weeks that night.


Success! Good job, I'm glad you jumped that big hurdle and came out with a good result!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 13, 2013 4:05 pm 
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Ahhh sorry disappeared. You all are wise. We had a talk about it and he wasn't aware he was being passive aggressive about it. Apparently it didn't occur to him that he and I listen to music very differently? He listens to it as background noise but I listen to a handful of artists and only when I have the energy to focus completely on it. I don't play anything he actively hates when we're in the same place at the same time—he had been out and came in this time (although he has no problem playing things I hate when I'm home).

We had a long discussion about it surrounding how I know he feels the need to say whatever is on his mind all the time but to please think before he speaks. Good-natured whining is fine, but posting about it to two different online presences all of which I read feels like an attack and I think he understands. Also explaining to him how I engage with the world differs from how he does. I do wish we could have discussions about me being angry with him without him panicking and crying that I'm going to leave him but that's not something I can fix.

I'm sure part of this is also me pushing back about being an introvert having to share my space (he's living in my apartment for the summer) and he's always here when I'm in and trying to establish a "my house my space my rules" thing.

Anyway, tl;dr, we've resolved the issue for the time being, but it would be nice to be able to have grown up discussions without having to reassure him that we're not breaking up. Thanks PPK.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 13, 2013 7:36 pm 
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I'm in Guatemala (which is forking awesome) but my guy is at home and I miss him tons! We are emailing back and forth and we Skyped for an hour yesterday but I miss the hugs and kisses. I'll be home in a week and a half so it's not that much longer. I don't usually miss people when I travel (including ex boyfriends). My next trip will be longer, but he'll come see me in the middle of it!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:46 am 
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I have a question for you lovely people in relationships. Did you find the person you're with "playing the game" (aka being strategic and overthinking a lot of things in the process of dating the person), or did you just go with the flow and be yourself?

The reason I'm asking is because I'm fairly aggressive as they come when it comes to dating men. When I like you, you know I like you and when I don't, you can tell. My friends are giving me a lot of advice about how to be strategic. like "making him want me" and holding out to call or text the guy back. what the fizzle, should I really leave him guessing whether or not I like him? Should I take his words and actions at face value?

Is getting people to hang out with you really this hard? Do I really need strategies? This just seems more complicated than it needs to be, amIright?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:53 am 
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Well, I'm oblivious and wasn't looking for a relationship when I started dating my husband. Basically, he pursued me, I thought he was just being friendly and that he had no other interest. So I could've been interpreted as playing hard to get but I wasn't?

I don't think games are needed though but I think sometimes people may come on too strong and put others off? I know I've had that experience with guys in the past where they came on a little too strong. So you may not need strategies but possibly consider if that is an issue?

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Last edited by linanil on Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:53 am 
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sarahnorine wrote:
I have a question for you lovely people in relationships. Did you find the person you're with "playing the game" (aka being strategic and overthinking a lot of things in the process of dating the person), or did you just go with the flow and be yourself?

The reason I'm asking is because I'm fairly aggressive as they come when it comes to dating men. When I like you, you know I like you and when I don't, you can tell. My friends are giving me a lot of advice about how to be strategic. like "making him want me" and holding out to call or text the guy back. what the fizzle, should I really leave him guessing whether or not I like him? Should I take his words and actions at face value?

Is getting people to hang out with you really this hard? Do I really need strategies? This just seems more complicated than it needs to be, amIright?


These are called mind games and they are bullshiitake. You will definitely encounter people doing this type of crepe in the dating world, but resist the temptation to engage in it, and eventually you'll find someone who is honest like you. There is certainly a time and place, like you don't want to be texting the guy 200 times a day, and you don't want to blurt out "I love you!" on the second date, but those are more about showing good judgment than being 'strategic.' If you're dating with the goal of being in a relationship eventually, it's simply too exhausting to be anything but yourself!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 10:19 am 
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Yeah, everything Erika said. I have definitely done the "wait for him to call so you don't seem too eager" thing in the past and, besides being bullshiitake, it doesn't accomplish anything anyway. If someone's not into you, they're not into you, and if they are they're just going to be discouraged by your games. For me, online dating and texting made the whole thing a lot easier. That and finding someone who didn't play games either!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 10:24 am 
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Ha, yes, the music thing! Trevor and I have A LOT of overlapping musical tastes, but some things we just don't see eye to eye on. He likes some really glitchy, experimental electronic music like Autechre and I hate it. So I tease him about it. But on the other hand, I like the Spice Girls, and he teases me about that. The key is it not being mean-spirited...or like you're saying the person is stupid because they like something. But playful teasing is okay in my books!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 11:51 am 
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sarahnorine wrote:
Do I really need strategies?


I think dating is very different for men and women because there are enough aggressive men that many women think of those aggressive guys as "normal" and form a gameplan around them. If you're passive about dating you'll only meet aggressive people (for either gender). It's easy to only see the 5% of guys that are always single and constantly on the prowl and think that's what men are like.

I think the people recommending strategic dating are trying to figure out how to change a guy that's not interested in a relationship. If you're only meeting aggressive guys out for sex, then playing "hard to get" and not being clingy work great with him. He'll keep having fun and sleeping with you. You'll stretch a bad thing out longer. He'll still never be interested in a relationship though.

I think, if you're after love, you can't find it unless you're being yourself. You won't even really know if you get along if you're not acting on your own feelings. For example, if you're fast to commit to people maybe you should just go with it and find a guy that's also okay with that rather than hiding who you are. Love requires openness and honesty so anything unnatural goes against that. Just my two cents.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 12:47 pm 
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Tigon wrote:
sarahnorine wrote:
Do I really need strategies?


I think, if you're after love, you can't find it unless you're being yourself. You won't even really know if you get along if you're not acting on your own feelings. For example, if you're fast to commit to people maybe you should just go with it and find a guy that's also okay with that rather than hiding who you are. Love requires openness and honesty so anything unnatural goes against that. Just my two cents.


This makes total sense. Thanks!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:16 pm 
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Man one of the first things me and my bf bonded over was how tired we were of dating games (he had just gotten out of a marriage and was dreading dating again). Then whoops, we were dating! I still can't figure out how we went from friends to madly in love.

Last night he kinda creeped me out, I was on the phone with him and scrolling through my tumblr dashboard, and suddenly he asked "you're looking at a cat picture, aren't you?" Apparently I have a particular laugh I reserve for cats and he's picked up on this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 3:34 pm 
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Regarding "playing the game" - sure, it can be fun to play games as in you know, being capable of socializing and being at least somewhat clear on what you want. But just playing the game for the sake of playing the game, all gossip girl style - yeah, that's mostly a power game. Unless you're looking for something that is ALL about playing the game and being on top, it's not worth your time.
I used to be totally into that, but I find that modeling healthy behaviors in the beginning of any relationship - romantic or not - is generally a good idea. It is completely impossible to know what people need or want from you if they are not clear about it! And vice versa. Communication is important. And who wants someone they have to lure in anyway?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 3:34 pm 
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Shy Mox wrote:
Last night he kinda creeped me out, I was on the phone with him and scrolling through my tumblr dashboard, and suddenly he asked "you're looking at a cat picture, aren't you?" Apparently I have a particular laugh I reserve for cats and he's picked up on this.


Ha! My boyfriend is kind of the same way. It's gotten to the point where I'll start to say "Did you see the picture/article/video on facebook today with--" and he replies "Yeah, I saw it." Because he knows I'm talking about the one with the dog.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 4:15 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
Shy Mox wrote:
Last night he kinda creeped me out, I was on the phone with him and scrolling through my tumblr dashboard, and suddenly he asked "you're looking at a cat picture, aren't you?" Apparently I have a particular laugh I reserve for cats and he's picked up on this.


Ha! My boyfriend is kind of the same way. It's gotten to the point where I'll start to say "Did you see the picture/article/video on facebook today with--" and he replies "Yeah, I saw it." Because he knows I'm talking about the one with the dog.


Whenever I'm online, my boyfriend can also tell what I'm looking at by the sounds I make. Apparently I make three distinct sounds: "righteous indignation", "cute animals" and "yummy-looking food".

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:10 pm 
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Re: game playing

I hate that shiitake. I'm not good at it. I am an incredibly open and honest person, and game playing makes my brain explode. A big relief for me with T was how open he was with how much he liked me, right off the bat. He told me all the time, and I felt totally comfortable right away, because I knew we were on the same page.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:20 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:


These are called mind games and they are bullshiitake.


This.
smoothie wrote:
modeling healthy behaviors in the beginning of any relationship - romantic or not - is generally a good idea.

And this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:34 pm 
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lepelaar wrote:
Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
Shy Mox wrote:
Last night he kinda creeped me out, I was on the phone with him and scrolling through my tumblr dashboard, and suddenly he asked "you're looking at a cat picture, aren't you?" Apparently I have a particular laugh I reserve for cats and he's picked up on this.


Ha! My boyfriend is kind of the same way. It's gotten to the point where I'll start to say "Did you see the picture/article/video on facebook today with--" and he replies "Yeah, I saw it." Because he knows I'm talking about the one with the dog.


Whenever I'm online, my boyfriend can also tell what I'm looking at by the sounds I make. Apparently I make three distinct sounds: "righteous indignation", "cute animals" and "yummy-looking food".


Ha! This made me realize he totally has a righteous indignation sound. And a "I'm going to keep laughing until you ask me what is so funny so I can explain this to you" laugh.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 7:22 pm 
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Shy Mox wrote:
And a "I'm going to keep laughing until you ask me what is so funny so I can explain this to you" laugh.

My o/h does this too, I find it so annoying - if I see something funny and want to share it I'll say 'haha! Listen to this ...' I don't undertand why he needs me to enquire, especially if I've already shown interest by looking at him expectantly waiting to hear the funny thing.

Regarding game playing I think it's especially foolish to pretend not to be a confident, upfront and feisty woman if that's who you are. The sort of bloke you have to hide that from would not be the guy for you!l


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:29 pm 
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You know, when I started talking my boyfriend into going back to school (he dropped out of college after like 2 okay semesters and 3 super bad all F semesters) I thought I was being awesome supportive girlfriend. Now he's talking about transferring to go somewhere possibly far away. What have I done?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:18 pm 
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Ahhh, the joys of being an awesome and supportive girlfriend. Its always so hard, you want this awesome person to live up to their potential and be happy and exactly who they are, and unfortunately that could involve them going elsewhere or even breaking up with you. Hopefully that doesn't happen, but at least you that you are that awesome and they are that awesome that they feel comfortable with growth?

That's what I tell myself when I have been broken up with when the ex tells me I'm still awesome, but they have to do whatever important thing is that doesn't involve me, when they dated some crasshole who was abusive or an alcoholic or whatever for longer.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:04 pm 
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Fee wrote:
You know, when I started talking my boyfriend into going back to school (he dropped out of college after like 2 okay semesters and 3 super bad all F semesters) I thought I was being awesome supportive girlfriend. Now he's talking about transferring to go somewhere possibly far away. What have I done?


You've either learned that he isn't that into you, or that he's so secure in his relationship, yet ambitious, that he wants to go to the best school possible..?

I guess I'm hoping we didn't hear the whole story and he wants you to move with him or it's short term and you can stay together or something. Worst case scenario it's always better to learn that someone doesn't put the relationship first early rather than later.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:22 pm 
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We've been together for like three years so I hope he's into me! When he first said he might go I asked what his plans for us were and he said I could move with him, but I have this house thing with mortgage payments and my job. So then he said he doesn't know, he might go somewhere here - there are a lot of options. He can't make any big choices for another year, so it's pointless to dwell on. I think I just totally forgot that sometimes people move for school and that this was a possibility all along.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:19 pm 
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I wouldn't worry about it too much right now, since decision making is a year away and its more of a pipe dream. I've changed my academic plans a million times already.

rentaghost wrote:
Shy Mox wrote:
And a "I'm going to keep laughing until you ask me what is so funny so I can explain this to you" laugh.

My o/h does this too, I find it so annoying - if I see something funny and want to share it I'll say 'haha! Listen to this ...' I don't undertand why he needs me to enquire, especially if I've already shown interest by looking at him expectantly waiting to hear the funny thing.


Its usually when he's looking at stuff for games I don't play or army stuff, so I won't get it and he'll have to explain so he doesn't want to be constantly annoying me by explaining jokes to the point where they're not funny to me. But if I ask, its not annoying XD

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