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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 4:57 pm 
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Monkeytoes, I love your updates! I am totally looking forward to your livestreamed wedding, where I am going to cry happy tears of ridiculous joy for you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 5:04 pm 
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rentaghost wrote:
Fee wrote:
My boyfriend's birthday is coming up and the places he wants to go eat have like absolutely no vegan option on the menu.
. . . I'm feeling a little weird that he wants me to go to a restaurant, not eat anything, pay for his meal and that's a good time.

I wonder if he's thought of it that way Fee. I have often found places are willing to make something special even if it is just pasta or a stir fry. I try to call by in person to discuss it ahead of time if I can but otherwise phone and ask to speak to the chef.

I would agree that I'd assume he simply hasn't thought about it in those terms. My family plans to go to steakhouses and whatnot for gatherings, knowing I'm vegan but they also assume I'll "take care of myself" because I just always have. But I really don't think they think about it from our angle is all and it's not purposeful rudeness or lack of consideration on their part--it's pure ignorance--I used to be pretty purely ignorant about such things one time myself so I know very well where they're coming from.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 6:41 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
Monkeytoes, I love your updates! I am totally looking forward to your livestreamed wedding, where I am going to cry happy tears of ridiculous joy for you.

Don't hold your breath... my man doesn't move fast (unless he's on a bike.)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 7:16 pm 
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fupa I was thinking your friend should to come to you once in a while and then you posted that he never has. Perhaps you should suggest it.

What struck me was that the intensity of the friendship has been a problem for your boyfriends but not for his wife, even to the extent that she is upset you're not seeing him. I wonder if your friendship takes the pressure off their relationship in some way, especially if he has few or no other fiends. Maybe that's why it's so important to them both.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 3:52 am 
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Fupa, your situation sounds a bit like the situation I used to have with my old best friend. She would basically expect me to be available 24/7, and it became really unhealthy. It all escalated when i started going to school full time and doing this really awesome volunteer work at the ministry of culture here, along with me getting new (and a lot healthier) friendships with new people. She got SO jealous that I stopped picking up EVERY time she called, and she just expected me to be able to put the same amount of time into our friendship as I had when I was just home all day and in therapy for my eating disorder.
Then she started trying to convince me that I had become "egocentric" because of my "unhealthy new friendships" (oh, you mean the people who respect my boundaries and who don't call me 7 times a day and who encourage me to follow my dreams and not let other people fork me up?) and that she felt like I had become "abandoned my political views and become a worse person" by doing the cultural political work for the ministry of culture (oh, you mean the super meaningful and totally impossible to get position where I get to be in a counsel for the minister of culture of Denmark? where I get to do actual work to change things?).

Basically, everything was uneven in our relationship: she got mad at me for not having time to visit her while having time to hang out with others, but wouldn't listen when I told her that it's because I meet with people in the city where I go to school for lunch and that she could just come and join in.
She expected me to follow her lead in everything; if she didn't like someone, she acted like it was betrayal to not hate them and be mean to them.
She expected me to clean her house when she got sick (she payed me to "make it even" even though I told her it made me uncomfortable) but even when I told her I didn't have time for it anymore, she made a total scene and had me continue because "the thought of a stranger cleaning her house was really invasive".


God, I could keep telling stories like this (and much much worse), but things kind of escalated last december, when she texted me (AGAIN) about how she felt like I had become a bad person, on the day before my first exam during a VERY intense exam period (surprise, she did that exact thing half a year earlier, and I told her not to purposely stress me out right before important final exams), and I basically told her I wasn't going to deal with her drama until in january when my exams would be done, and then when january actually came, one of my friends confessed to me that my bad best friend had befriended her (seriously, she had courted her with gifts and stuff like that) while telling this HORRIBLE things about me - how I thought that the girl she had courted was "too stupid to get an education" and how I thought she was "silly and immature" and things A LOT worse than that. Besides from the fact that it was all lies and I was pretty shocked about her making that stuff up, I felt SO bad for my friend who wasn't exactly doing well and who didn't need the additional stress..
And then i quit the friendship. And I thought it would hurt a lot (I've known this girl for 8 years and she's been my best friend for most of that time) but in reality I was pretty relieved. I haven't really missed her at all. Which is very surprising but also shows that the friendship needed to die..

Sorry for the long story, but my point is: sometimes we allow our friends to be shitty to us because we love them, but it's really really not healthy. It's important to tell people when they cross your boundaries, and it sounds like you need to have a talk with your friend about that. Because his behavior is more than just shitty; it's manipulative and if he wants to keep deserving your friendship, he needs to stop complaining and need to start communicating! How hard is it for him to visit you? It's an hour! Life is dynamic and things change and he needs to be able to adjust, not just judge you for not centering your life around him.
It's time for a talk. And it probably need to be a face to face talk, if he's the kind of person who logs out in anger from your gchats..

Good luck! While my story ended with a broken friendship, I have had a lot of other friendships that are stronger because of things like that and finding a way to dealing with it.. together.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 6:51 am 
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Strides have been made! T just told me (over a full day in advance!) that he is meeting friends out tomorrow evening (our usual date night). I told him thanks for letting me know (and meant it, now I have time to make alternate plans or at least just adjust to the change from our usual date night plans), and he said, 'I am letting you know!' but in a nicer way than that sounds, more of in a 'I now know to tell you things ahead of time!' kind of tone. And before anyone gets all 'he keeps canceling on you', tomorrow is the anniversary of the funeral of a friend of his, and he and other mutual friends are meeting up to memorialize it. Communication, it's awesome.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 12:15 pm 
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Okay, I have a relationship quandry: The Snackwolf Cometh.

My boyfriend is a big eater. Like, very, very big eater. Well, we both are. We both race bikes, which means we both ride 15ish hours a week and are both unstoppable eating machines. Anyway, I make more money than he does, and I also have a job where I work from home and usually have a decent amount of down time, so I end up doing most of the grocery shopping/paying. I'm happy to do it, but the problem we're having is that I'll buy more expensive, nicer stuff (like a big bottle of maple syrup, fancy granola, coconut yogurt), which I'll eat at a moderate pace, making it so it's not that expensive. He, however, will wake up in the middle of the night and literally drink half a bottle of maple syrup, eat a whole box of granola, and put down 2 or 3 yogurts. It's a very expensive habit. I'm happy to pay more for stuff, and I'm happy to share more expensive items, but I feel like it's just a waste to have $10 worth of maple syrup get poured down his half sleeping throat.

I've tried hiding things with some success, but it doesn't work so well for things that are refrigerated, like yogurt and maple syrup. This morning, I realized that out of the five boxes of granola I've bought, I haven't had a single bowl, and on top of that, the 32 oz bottle of maple syrup I bought and haven't used at all is half empty, so I brought it up with him. He feels really bad, but since he's kind of asleep (not exactly sleepwalking, but not really thinking either) when he does it, the only things he think will work is totally segregating our food (since if it's completely separate, he feels like he won't eat it - he didn't eat our room mates' food when we lived with them, so same kind of thing) or locking stuff up. I think we're going to try and get a lock for one of our cabinets and see how that goes, but I'm interested to hear if any of you guys have any suggestions for handling this.

I know he grew up quite poor, and I think that some of his weird eating habits stem from that. I really don't want to make him feel bad about eating shared food, because I really prefer we share, but it's been hard to get through to him that I like and want to share food with him, but that the night eating of all the expensive, nice stuff is a problem.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 12:28 pm 
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I don't know if you can manage a second fridge which is harder to access? We have one in the basement and one in the kitchen,and if I had a Nocturnal Snackwolf, I'd probably take to storing my maple syrup there. Those bottles get quite pricey (ours are about $18 for 32oz) and I could see that drinking 1 every 2 days would quickly become prohibitive.

And then stock the fridge with stuff he likes that is a bit cheaper. It would be interesting to see where the sleep eating comes from - is he just half-asleep or is it a sleep disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturnal_ ... g_disorder)? I know I've read that some medications can have sleep eating as a side effect. I am just curious, but does eating a lot of sugar late at night have any other effects on him? I know my husband will often eat a lot of sugar late at night and then wakes up with a bit of a sugar hangover - just curious if it happens to others.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 12:36 pm 
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Soo... my new relationship with my boy (just over a month) is going fabulously. He is smart, charming, and gets me. We're so alike, it's beginning to get scary. We're both having such a fun time, and I absolute love being with him and how he makes me feel.

BUT (of course there's a but), I'm growing worried. This guy is a sexual assault survivor (as am I... something we've been able to bond over in a twisted way...) After it happened, he went through a lot of therapy, which worked very well for him. But ever since, he says he has "ruined" all of his relationships (he's my best guy friend's younger brother, so I actually have witnessed this behavior). He says that he is unable to love someone, and doesn't want to put me in a position where I fall for him (already happening, and it is on his side too... which is what's bringing up this conversation) and he cannot reciprocate. This isn't a cop out on his part, trying to get me to break up with him. He is truly interested in this relationship, but is scared that he can't offer me everything.
I wish I could get this guy to see that he is capable of so much, and that he's vastly underestimating himself. He started going to therapy again this week, and we're really hoping this helps. On the other hand, and this is very selfish, I'm scared that if therapy is successful, it will make him want to change things in his life (not date me, move, etc.) Just a little nervous about this whole thing.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 1:10 pm 
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Thanks, Tofulish. I don't think another fridge is an option, unfortunately. Maybe I can get some kind of rubbermade bin or something for the fridge, though, and put stuff he is not to touch in there.

As for his night eating, it's not a sleep disorder. He's awake, just sort of out of it. The sugar doesn't make him feel gross or hungover, but that might well be because he is a lot more active (and burning more) than the average person. The only effect he sees is if he eats too much he'll start to feel a little thicker around his waist, and he'll try to lay off.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 1:17 pm 
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Hurrah for new relationships!

Its sounds like without therapy, your relationship is going to have an uphill struggle to overcome his pattern of not reciprocating love and care. And its great that he is willing to work on those issues and hopefully gain some insights that will help both of you have a healthy and happy relationship with boundaries that work for both of you.

I would think that the worry that if therapy is successful that it may change him and he may leave you is a fear-based one, not really the reality. As its intended goal is to help him overcome some of his barriers to letting you fully be part of his life, I would imagine the outcome was more likely the opposite. But of course, life changes and people change and they decide to move on or chase other opportunities, so there isn't a guarantee that you will end up together, but I would think the therapy is overall a very helpful thing for your relationship.

Sending you a reassuring hug and lots of good thoughts! It sounds like your partner is dealing with a lot, and he is lucky to have found someone as wonderful and supportive as you! (I think you are super-awesome!).

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 1:57 pm 
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Jopa, I think it's a little odd to drink so much maple syrup (and maybe that is just me), like, maybe he needs to have many more complex carbs before he goes to sleep so that he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night in such a deficit. That he sometimes eats less because he feels he is "thickening" around the middle sounds like he might unintentionally be putting himself into deficit to begin with, and then, add the bike riding to that and yikes.

(I don't think hiding or locking up food is ever the answer, but I have a disordered eating background so that would be a trigger for me.) (Instead, I would buy cheaper stuff for awhile and try to figure out the root cause.)


Edit to add: Maybe a blood panel would be a good idea?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:18 pm 
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You're right - it does sound that way, but he's DEFINITELY getting enough calories and carbs. Dinner is usually brown rice or quinoa (lots) with veggies and some big pile of tofu or seitan or tempeh. He also eats meat, so sometimes he'll eat a giant chunk of salmon or something. We've tried having him do big snacks before bed in various configurations of higher in carbs/protein/fat, and none of it matters. He also sees a doctor pretty regularly and has had a blood workup done recently, and he's fine. We've pretty much come to the place where we both realize that's just how he is, so we have to find good workarounds.

Oh, and I'd add that I'm not wild about the idea of hiding or locking up food either. I really don't want him to feel guilty about eating or whatever else, but I'm literally spending hundreds of dollars on stuff that's being eaten at night without me even getting a single serving, and that's really not sustainable, and is no good for MY eating habits (I depend on having higher-calorie snacks around to graze on, and I don't do well with just 3 big meals). We've tried stocking up on cheaper stuff for him to night eat, and it doesn't work. He goes straight for the good stuff. Sigh.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:38 pm 
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I'd stop sharing or find somewhere to put another small fridge. If he isn't doing this in his sleep and he was able to not eat the roommate's food, why can't he not eat your expensive treats?

Or, put little stickers on things you don't want him to touch and see if that works.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:44 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
I'm literally spending hundreds of dollars on stuff that's being eaten at night without me even getting a single serving, and that's really not sustainable, and is no good for MY eating habits (I depend on having higher-calorie snacks around to graze on, and I don't do well with just 3 big meals).


I totally get this. Mr. Sz somehow knows not to eat the stuff I buy for myself.

It kind of bums me out that I can spend a good amount of time making a whole lot of something delicious and he could just wipe out the whole pan in one sitting. When he was gone last year, I could make stuff that would last me a week (I don't really like to cook every day and I love leftovers). But, he's good about eating his own stuff.

So, yeah, an off-limits area of the fridge will probably have to do. Good luck! I'm glad your guy's health is sorted, I was totally concerned.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:49 pm 
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Maybe you could pay for all the regular groceries and he can cover those expensive things like maple syrup, granola, and yogurt? You'd still end up paying more for everything else and you'd still be sharing, but it sounds like he needs to be at least pitching in for those items if you're never getting any.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 5:13 pm 
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Thanks for the suggestions, guys! It's so funny how you get inside these situations, and it doesn't even occur to you to say, "hey, you drink the maple syrup, YOU buy more of it the next day."

It's such a weird problem, and it's made slightly touchy by the fact that there are issues of me making more money than him and his childhood stuff involved, so it's been probably a bit more difficult to discuss and figure out than it should be. In any case, something has to change, and we'll definitely have to talk about it more and hopefully come up with a more fair way to deal with the Snackwolf.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 6:44 pm 
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I find all money stuff really difficult to navigate. I don't make a lot more than my boyfriend but I do make more and he has some debts he's paying off so my take home is more and it's hard for me to balance that with not being taken advantage of because I've been burned in the past. Intentionally and unintentionally. I honestly try to just not think about it most of the time because then the numbers and percentage signs start dancing under my eyelids and I mentally blackout.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:03 pm 
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For the snackwolf: maybe get individually portioned things so its not so easy to eat a huge pile of it without thinking? If he is eating big bowls of granola with syrup maybe crunchy granola bars could be in the midnight snackwolf cupboard. I am particularly thinking of these think thin crunch bars because they have protein and filling fat/fiber:

http://shop.thinkproducts.com/Mixed-Nut ... ThinCrunch

I know the name makes them sound like diet bars but I just think of them as convenient snacks. I've seen boxes of them for pretty cheap. I think if he has to unwrap a bar each time, he might think about it more than just pouring a massive bowl of granola.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:23 pm 
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I also just thought - maybe put a box of bars on the snackwolf side of the bed? Perhaps he would not want to get out of his cozy bed and go all the way to the kitchen for the good stuff if he could just roll over, grab a little midnight snack, and go back to sleep.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 9:32 pm 
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JoPa, what about a mini-fridge? You could either have it be his, and he can put his "okay to eat at night" foods in there, or it can be yours and you can put the "not okay for him to eat at night" foods in it. Or even just a cooler might work, you'd have to change the ice periodically to keep it cool, but that would at least keep stuff separate without having to get a whole refrigerator.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 9:43 pm 
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I had a horrible day yesterday and when I came home, we had a nice joint shower where we just hugged, and then we got into our pajamas and cuddled. Intimacy rules.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:12 pm 
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so i hung out with my friend, as my training ride got rained out... it didn't go very well. at one point he said "why can't we just forget about everything?" and i said well because you and your wife treated me badly. there's much more that was said but it pretty much boils down to the fact that his wife doesn't really like me and never has and that he thinks he didn't do anything wrong.

most of my friends don't like him so i can't talk to them without bias about it, they are all pretty much "fork that guy" and i don't want my bf to not like him. i think i'm just going to hope he chills out in the next few weeks?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:28 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
so i hung out with my friend, as my training ride got rained out... it didn't go very well. at one point he said "why can't we just forget about everything?" and i said well because you and your wife treated me badly. there's much more that was said but it pretty much boils down to the fact that his wife doesn't really like me and never has and that he thinks he didn't do anything wrong.

most of my friends don't like him so i can't talk to them without bias about it, they are all pretty much "fork that guy" and i don't want my bf to not like him. i think i'm just going to hope he chills out in the next few weeks?

fupa, do you get positive things from this friendship? From what you've posted it doesn't really sound like it, and the fact that your friends and previous partners all haven't liked him send up some warning signals to me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 26, 2013 1:24 am 
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My husband also has a HUGE appetite. And I like to buy fancier food when I can afford it, but like, if I buy a four dollar chocolate bar, I expect it to last at least a week. And Jay will wolf it down in a minute. We had the stupidest fight in the world this morning when he scolded me for eating the two apples he bought. Two apples! That's like a dollar, and it was over the course of two days. And he keeps telling me I don't eat enough these days so I am confounded by a scolding for eating a piece of fruit. We've always kept our finances pretty separate, and will continue to do so, but I mean, he'll put half a carton of almond milk (which I usually buy) in his coffee (which I also usually buy), and I don't even drink coffee. Or almond milk.

I have a pretty small appetite these days and it's getting to the point where I have to selectively hoard leftovers so I actually get to enjoy the meal. He'll drink all my wine and beer too. It's just hard to have a talk about how just because I drink and eat less, I'm STILL paying the lion's share of the groceries, and that's not always fair. It's fine that he has a massive appetite, and he should for a 6'4" dude who does physical labour at work, but gah! If I were single I bet I'd be paying a fraction of what I am for food.


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