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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 26, 2013 11:04 pm 
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Oh man my neediness meter goes into the red SO EASILY. I spend most of my day perfectly happy and care-free and then I get it in my head it would be so nice to snuggle with my boy but la-de-dah, no biggie... then as soon as I either hear back that my whim is not possible or if I don't hear back in a couple hours I start getting obsessive thoughts, heart palpitations, a headache... And it's not remotely that I'm thinking he's playing me or anything, I feel like that would be understandable, I don't know what it is. And I only get this needy-anxiety when I am not around whomever I am dating, literally the INSTANT I'm in their company, it vanishes, and I feel like a totally sane, competent, not-dependant parter. But I am so dependent. Terribly, just... for nothing other simple company. It's been like this with everyone I've dated. It's super frustrating. I was having a great day! There's no reason to feel so shitty right now!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:20 am 
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choirqueer wrote:
Tofulish wrote:
Fee wrote:
Pfft, there's nothing wrong with me, that was faux shame.


Humble FauxVag Brag


Wait did you just rhyme vag with brag??


+1 Yummy!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:48 am 
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Mars wrote:
Oh man my neediness meter goes into the red SO EASILY. I spend most of my day perfectly happy and care-free and then I get it in my head it would be so nice to snuggle with my boy but la-de-dah, no biggie... then as soon as I either hear back that my whim is not possible or if I don't hear back in a couple hours I start getting obsessive thoughts, heart palpitations, a headache... And it's not remotely that I'm thinking he's playing me or anything, I feel like that would be understandable, I don't know what it is. And I only get this needy-anxiety when I am not around whomever I am dating, literally the INSTANT I'm in their company, it vanishes, and I feel like a totally sane, competent, not-dependant parter. But I am so dependent. Terribly, just... for nothing other simple company. It's been like this with everyone I've dated. It's super frustrating. I was having a great day! There's no reason to feel so shitty right now!

Have you tried/considered therapy to explore this? It sounds both exhausting and unsustainable.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 1:52 am 
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I have actually, in the past! Problem is when I have appointments and things to do and get to talk to people, I'm in a great mood and headspace! So I can objectively talk about it sure, but I always feel so confident and thoughtful about my issues when I'm in that headspace that its hard to really make an impression on the problem.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 7:16 am 
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Mars wrote:
Oh man my neediness meter goes into the red SO EASILY. I spend most of my day perfectly happy and care-free and then I get it in my head it would be so nice to snuggle with my boy but la-de-dah, no biggie... then as soon as I either hear back that my whim is not possible or if I don't hear back in a couple hours I start getting obsessive thoughts, heart palpitations, a headache... And it's not remotely that I'm thinking he's playing me or anything, I feel like that would be understandable, I don't know what it is. And I only get this needy-anxiety when I am not around whomever I am dating, literally the INSTANT I'm in their company, it vanishes, and I feel like a totally sane, competent, not-dependant parter. But I am so dependent. Terribly, just... for nothing other simple company. It's been like this with everyone I've dated. It's super frustrating. I was having a great day! There's no reason to feel so shitty right now!


Are we the same person? I have this exact problem.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 7:38 am 
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Ugh. Part of me knows that I should block this chica, but I also feel like I need to monitor the situation to know where I stand. The friend Wilson had begun "talking" to posted this on FB (rough translation via Google) "It's too hard to have to get away from who you wanted to be around more."

The weirdest part? Part of me feels bad that she is hurting. I wish she'd back off a little though.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 8:09 am 
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I would talk to Wilson because I'd be angry too... and yes she probably is hurting, he probably told her that he'd come back and they could possibly start a life together..

I think if I were you, I'd tell Wilson that I don't think both of you can properly repair your relationship while he is talking to some other girl on the side even if he tries to push that someone back into friend mode. To give you guys the best possible chance, I'd ask him to let her know that he is working on his relationship with you and for a while, he shouldn't communicate with her.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 8:46 am 
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Mars, this is going to sound hokey, but there is a book called Feeling Good that simplifies some important aspects of cognitive therapy with the idea to catch those thoughts and retrain your brain to substitute more useful thoughts. There is even a workbook that goes with it. When I was in a bad headspace I really focused on this and it helped a ton. I learned coping strategies that I still have to this day.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 8:53 am 
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I am with linanil on this. I don't see how you can restore trust if you feel like you have to keep tabs on someone he was interested in, on FB, because he is still talking to her. It sounds like you don't feel like he is fully committed to working things out with you, but is keeping the door open with his friend by being in conversation with her, and in your place I would likely feel the same way.

Sending you many good thoughts <3

And Mars, CBT is awesome for controlling anxiety! I use a lot of visualizations and breathing techniques to calm down when my mind goes into turbo-overdrive!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 9:24 am 
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A person I used to date created a new Facebook account to get around the fact that I blocked him. I got a friend request from an empty profile, and the first and last names were this person's initials. At At wants to be my friend. Ugh.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 10:08 am 
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I guess I feel weird because I've never been the "you can't talk to so and so" type, but it would be healthier in the long run. Especially because instead of being a grownup I had a beer with my ex last night. Nothing romantic there, just wanted to catch up with him as he's just moved back to our hometown and is going through a rough patch. I am pretty sure Wilson wasn't crazy about the idea though. Or maybe he didn't care. I don't know. I am afraid that he isn't making an effort. I'm trying to give him space as he comes to terms with culture shock and stress and whatnot.

Also, MARS, hugs. Yes. CBT really helps me, too. I haven't done much with the cognitive, but it definitely helps to get your thoughts off a certain loop.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 10:22 am 
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NDP, can you talk with Wilson and rather than forbid him from talking to anyone, simply tell him what you said here? I mean, if he's serious about working things out, he should be receptive to what you have to say. It seems 100% reasonable to me that you'd want him to refrain from contacting the person he was interested in in order to rebuild trust in your relationship, but you can't really order him to do or not do anything.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 10:26 am 
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And I'm not saying you should tell him he can't talk to so and so but that he has to make that decision and draw the boundaries but I think it'd be better for you, her and him if he put a hold on talking to her for a while until you guys figure where things are going with you. Maybe later, they can be friends but right now, it probably isn't in anybody's best interest to try to retain that friendship while working things out between you two.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 8:11 pm 
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Thanks JoPa and linanlil! I'm out of town for the weekend, but I'm going to try talking to him when I'm back. I mentioned something about how she likes every single thing he does on FB, and he said "the whole world likes my posts!" Ha, modest kid, ain't he?

I think I'm going to bring up seeing a counselor again. I still can't believe I found one fluent in English and Portuguese. I almost feel like regardless of what happens, we'll be better for doing it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2013 6:17 am 
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i think you already have been given some good ideas, but just wanted to say hang in there. i think it's probably fair to say that none of this has been going how anyone expected, in various different ways. all you can really do is just move forward and communicate.

also wanted to say i've been cracking up at your pics of your gramma on FB. sounds like she'd pound some sense right into him. any chance you can bring her back with you?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2013 6:22 am 
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Ha!! She would probably tell him that he's not too big for her to paddle his butt. I wish she could come back with me, but we live on the fourth floor, and we haven't figured out a way to get her up there! She's mobile, but that'd be a lot on her.

Peanut, that is so creepy. Did you block the new profile?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2013 9:18 am 
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I blocked it immediately. It's strange though, I understand wanting to see what I'm up to, but I think he could have been more creative, maybe he wanted me to know it was him. Oh well, can't explain any of his behavior and never could.
ETA: Even more damning is that I had to change my phone number because of him (he kept sending upwards of 50 texts a day even after I stopped responding), and yet he still can't seem to let it go.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:27 am 
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Normally, my husband is the most supportive person ever but sometimes, he can be critical and this weekend he was in some mood. He didn't realize it until I pointed it out to him though. He is concerned about my inconsistent exercise but honestly my exercise has always been somewhat inconsistent over the years. I've been trying to exercise every day and for the past 2 weeks I have but last night he came home and asked me if I had exercised today. I told him 'no way' or something in a joking manner. He then proceeded to tell me that he thinks I've gained weight recently (P.S. my weight has been stable with slight fluctuations for the past year) and that he exercises a lot more frequently than I do. Later on, he told me that I need to find my 'thing', something that will keep me exercising regularly and that I enjoy. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have joked with him because I was in the process of looking at my workout for the evening when he started the line of questioning. He had also told me something a few days earlier that I shouldn't be using my elliptical and instead should be walking outside why the weather is nice.

We ended up talking and we are good, I think he will back off about criticizing my exercise and forms of exercise. He said he didn't realize he was being so critical. I know my husband doesn't want us to turn out like his parents, neither of which get any exercise and they seem to suffer for it in terms of aches and pains.

I still feel like crepe though in that I feel like I've let him down.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:51 am 
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linanil, you haven't let anyone down! Exercise can be very personal and a touchy subject. During the summer, T and I were both exercising regularly and we'd talk about our workouts, but then Fall crept up and we've both let it slip a little. I noticed we both would get a bit 'Ehhhhh...' when we asked one another if we'd worked out and the person asked had not, and we eventually stopped asking. It's one thing, I guess, if a person absolutely has to exercise every day for some health reason, then you can be concerned and ask...but otherwise, I don't think it's anyone's business but your own. Maybe that's just me, though. I know some people thrive with more accountability.

I want to give a quick update. T and I have had some in depth talks lately about our boundaries and what exactly each of us is able to give the other. The honesty has been refreshing, but a little exhausting since we both get riled up rather easily. Still, I think that a lot of what has been said has been productive, and that we're coming out on the other side of it understanding each other a lot better. Also, I've been taking Tuesdays to spend the evening with a friend of mine and then staying home, and I think that giving him that space is a bit of a relief for him. And honestly, for me as well. Usually by Tuesday he's in his biggest grouch mode after an exhausting weekend and then a stressful Monday, plus on Wednesdays he has to wake up early and deal with payroll, so it's best if I just let him do his own thing, and I do mine. I'm hopeful that things are going to go well. I'm very much trying to be aware of what I will and will not put up with, and I've set clear boundaries for him. As my mom says, now it's just up to me to stick to my guns if those boundaries are crossed. It's been difficult having a clear mind about this because I love him so blindingly much...with my ex, I was always able to just be 'over it', I suppose because I never felt the way for him that I feel for T. It's kind of frightening, these extreme feelings I have for him, and I'm doing my best to keep my perspective in case things go awry. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the time we're having together, and am feeling a lot more loved and secure than I was.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:56 am 
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Good for you, allularpunk.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:10 am 
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Linanil, that must be hard.

I'm currently sort of on the other side of the equation. D has been having equipment and back problems all year in terms of bikes/racing. Right now, he doesn't have a properly working road bike, which is his main form of exercise and racing. Road racing season is over, and I'm now racing cyclocross. D was going to race cross as well, but he had a couple bad races where he had mechanicals and was crashed out, and it's hard on his back, so he's throwing in the towel for the season. He says he feels burnt out and just needs a break, which is understandable. He recently got a truck, which he loves, but he's spending all his spare money on it (so, not saving for a new road bike), and is driving it around instead of riding his bike. I'm thrown for a loop. When we got together, we were both really into racing and working hard, and riding a lot and all that. Now, I'm racing and training, and he's doing different, less active stuff. I want him to be happy, but I'm struggling and feeling kind of freaked out about it. I hope that it's a phase and that once he's had a bit of a break, he'll get back into riding more. For me, it's less about his fitness or physique or whatever and more about that drive and dedication being one of the things I was attracted to initially. I've found that for me, it's a really, really big bummer to be with someone who is just content to sit on the couch all the time, and I'm scared that that's what's going to happen here. I don't think it's a terribly rational fear, but I'm not sure what to do with it.

All that is to say, maybe your husband is coming from a similar place, Linanil? Like, maybe he's just seeing a change and is disconcerted by it and doesn't know how to address it in a more sensitive way? Not that that means you should feel bad, of course! I think when I've tried to talk to D about my fears, it comes across as critical, which isn't my intention. Hopefully you guys can continue to talk it out and get to a more comfortable place on the issue.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:42 am 
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That sucks, linalil. I really hate nagging in relationships. And for me, anything that falls into somewhat non-essential lifestyle territory qualifies as nagging. I mean, obviously exercise is healthy and important and he genuinely wants you to be healthy, but that would make me feel kind of upset myself. And perhaps this is childish, but when someone keeps telling me things I should and shouldn't do, even from a place of caring, I start to feel really annoyed and crappy about myself, not motivated to get out and live a perfect lifestyle. I think that's essentially why I personally dislike a lot of fitness regimes--I don't find incessant pressure from anyone outside of myself to push myself further, faster, and more very empowering.

My husband and I both have (pretty damn minor) vices that we cycle though: for me it's procrastination, napping on days off instead of working on my creative projects/school/freelance, not eating enough/healthily enough when I'm stressed, and more (I am certainly not the most dedicated person when it comes to exercise regimes!). He knows well not to make comments about things and tell me what I SHOULD be doing, but rather gives me time to inevitably change things for the better and then encourages me when he sees that I'm trying. This works especially well for cleaning! If my husband whines about how the kitchen is getting sooooo messy and he is the only one who ever cleans it, I am more likely to procrastinate on helping out until he's not around breathing down my neck.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 12:25 pm 
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vijita wrote:
That sucks, linalil. I really hate nagging in relationships. And for me, anything that falls into somewhat non-essential lifestyle territory qualifies as nagging. I mean, obviously exercise is healthy and important and he genuinely wants you to be healthy, but that would make me feel kind of upset myself. And perhaps this is childish, but when someone keeps telling me things I should and shouldn't do, even from a place of caring, I start to feel really annoyed and crappy about myself, not motivated to get out and live a perfect lifestyle. I think that's essentially why I personally dislike a lot of fitness regimes--I don't find incessant pressure from anyone outside of myself to push myself further, faster, and more very empowering.

My husband and I both have (pretty damn minor) vices that we cycle though: for me it's procrastination, napping on days off instead of working on my creative projects/school/freelance, not eating enough/healthily enough when I'm stressed, and more (I am certainly not the most dedicated person when it comes to exercise regimes!). He knows well not to make comments about things and tell me what I SHOULD be doing, but rather gives me time to inevitably change things for the better and then encourages me when he sees that I'm trying. This works especially well for cleaning! If my husband whines about how the kitchen is getting sooooo messy and he is the only one who ever cleans it, I am more likely to procrastinate on helping out until he's not around breathing down my neck.


Thank you for posting this. I find myself beginning to nag my partner, passive-agressively, about things I think he should be doing, even though I promised myself not to once I moved to be close to him. Sometimes it slips out and I regret it almost immediately, but I do notice the increase. I really need to nip this in the bud because it's not only not productive, but I'm afraid it's going to push him away from me. He's really good about not doing this to me and I need to respect him in the same way. So, thank you for the reminder.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 12:56 pm 
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Jordan, I can understand. Both my husband and myself have had our share of injuries in the past couple years which has resulted in us not doing some of things we used to do. He also found joy in running and an exercise body weight program. I gained weight (that I had lost previously) due to a tailbone injury and then after my grandfather's death. My husband had told me he didn't think it was a big deal but that I should try to stabilize my weight which I have. My husband jokes that he looks like a mummy when he goes for a run due to wrapping his feet/ankles as well as sometimes wrapping his wrists for certain exercises. I've tried to hide some of my injuries/aches/pains/etc but when we talked about it last night, he gave me some recommendations that worked for him in term of exercises so I am going to work on those as well. I've been spending a lot of my spare time doing online free courses which I enjoy but also means I am sitting at a computer for most of my day, during and after work. I just feel that I am trying my best to get back into things. I was going to the gym for a while but then my husband noticed I was always limping and honestly, I think I did injure myself worse by the classes I took and enjoyed and pushing myself too hard. I figured I didn't need to pay for a gym membership if I wasn't going to take classes as we have stuff at home I can use. Of course motivation isn't always there but yeah, I'm working on it.

Vijita, I am with you. My husband doesn't normally nag but sometimes he does get into these moods where I think things annoy him more than normal. I try to never nag him because I don't think it helps, like you said. It usually backfires.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 5:08 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
He recently got a truck, which he loves, but he's spending all his spare money on it ...


Oh my goodness. Mr. Sz just got a new motorcycle so he has to break it in and get experience with it so I am glad, actually, that I am back east while he is doing this. It would totally bum me out for him to go on his [motor] bike instead of going for a ride. But, he's actually doing [bici] rides with our LBS, so it feels like we will just fall into that when I return back to SD.

I'll enjoy passenger-ing on the [moto] bike once he gets good confidence about having me on the back for longer rides, but I don't want this to take the place of hiking or cycling or, eventually, kayaking.


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