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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 8:59 pm 
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Bathes in Braggs
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I'm traveling and I miss my guy so much! I've been gone a month now. He'll be here in 9 days and I think I miss him more knowing that I will see him soon. He's only spending 9 days with me then it will be 2+ months before I see him again (he goes home, I keep traveling). We Skyped tonight for an hour and that helped. I think some of my other travel stress (trying to get documents for the motorcycle I bought) is making me miss him more. I want cuddles and kisses and I can't have them!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 12:52 am 
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For me it's always worse the closer it gets to cuddle time. I'm good at doing a brain dump and forgetting for awhile, but now that it's almost Friday, time is excruciatingly slow. (11 days of sexy cuddles....Followed by a long period of no cuddles.) I want cuddles already.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 2:02 am 
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Guys. Omg. It's going so well. With my boy. K. Augh. Can we just move in together and have babies and get married already?! Holy moley, also, I just feel... so lucky! To have someone like him be so enamored with me. The things. That this boy. I can't even.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:19 am 
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Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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Aw, Mars! Love it.

For some reason I thought your guy was traveling with you this whole time, pi! That's awesome that you're doing it on your own. I hope it's a very sweet and cuddly reunion! (Same for Lutin!)

My update is sad, but also OK. Wilson and I have decided to get a divorce. It feels a bit better for me emotionally because I'm not just waiting around hoping he'll suddenly have feelings again (or worse, trying to compel him to do so, which is futile and would just lead to resentment and hurt feelings). We talked about what we need from each other, and I really do feel like it'll turn out for the best (even though I also feel lonely and scared). He's going to live with me until he moves back to Brazil or I find a roommate. I might be able to afford this place on my own though, so that would be ideal in some ways. I've moved into the second bedroom, which works well because it was my "closet" anyway. Now just another mess of paperwork. (It's only fair that he does all the housework then, right?)

A million thank you's to the PPK for being so supportive and all of the hugs! Now that I feel less blind-sided, I do feel like things really will be ok.

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I would eat Dr. Cow pocket cheese in a second. I would eat it if you hid it under your hat, or in your backpack, but not if it was in your shoe. That's where I draw the line. -allularpunk


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:25 am 
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Mispronounces Daiya
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jordanpattern wrote:
Linanil, that must be hard.

I'm currently sort of on the other side of the equation. D has been having equipment and back problems all year in terms of bikes/racing. Right now, he doesn't have a properly working road bike, which is his main form of exercise and racing. Road racing season is over, and I'm now racing cyclocross. D was going to race cross as well, but he had a couple bad races where he had mechanicals and was crashed out, and it's hard on his back, so he's throwing in the towel for the season. He says he feels burnt out and just needs a break, which is understandable. He recently got a truck, which he loves, but he's spending all his spare money on it (so, not saving for a new road bike), and is driving it around instead of riding his bike. I'm thrown for a loop. When we got together, we were both really into racing and working hard, and riding a lot and all that. Now, I'm racing and training, and he's doing different, less active stuff. I want him to be happy, but I'm struggling and feeling kind of freaked out about it. I hope that it's a phase and that once he's had a bit of a break, he'll get back into riding more. For me, it's less about his fitness or physique or whatever and more about that drive and dedication being one of the things I was attracted to initially. I've found that for me, it's a really, really big bummer to be with someone who is just content to sit on the couch all the time, and I'm scared that that's what's going to happen here. I don't think it's a terribly rational fear, but I'm not sure what to do with it.

All that is to say, maybe your husband is coming from a similar place, Linanil? Like, maybe he's just seeing a change and is disconcerted by it and doesn't know how to address it in a more sensitive way? Not that that means you should feel bad, of course! I think when I've tried to talk to D about my fears, it comes across as critical, which isn't my intention. Hopefully you guys can continue to talk it out and get to a more comfortable place on the issue.


I'm someone who gets very passionate and intense about stuff, but my interests rarely last long term and I cycle every couple of years. At times in my life I have been really into a sport, at others into a creative outlet or an intellectual goal. I could see how if someone had consistently been into physical activity for decades, they could see certain times in my life as "being content sitting on the couch", because I wasn't working out at all and spending all my free time and money studying, say, music theory & voice work instead. Or a foreign language. But really, it's what my drive is focused on that changed, not the drive itself.

If I remember right, you used to be really into music, Jopa, no? I don't know if you are still playing the horn, but in any case, you are still an intensely passionate person, and very dedicated in meeting your racing goals now. Do you think maybe the people who knew you first through the music world might have felt the way you currently feel about your boyfriend?

Wally is more of a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, and he doesn't get nearly as intense about his interests as I do. But he is much better than me at maintaining consistent, long term habits. I feel lucky that we both think of this as a complementarity rather than a clash - I bring new interests into our lives, he makes sure they aren't forgotten the minute I get distracted.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:26 am 
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Mispronounces Daiya
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Big hugs, ndp. It must be sad and hard, but I am glad that you reached a decision that makes you feel better.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:32 am 
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Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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aelle wrote:
jordanpattern wrote:
Linanil, that must be hard.

I'm currently sort of on the other side of the equation. D has been having equipment and back problems all year in terms of bikes/racing. Right now, he doesn't have a properly working road bike, which is his main form of exercise and racing. Road racing season is over, and I'm now racing cyclocross. D was going to race cross as well, but he had a couple bad races where he had mechanicals and was crashed out, and it's hard on his back, so he's throwing in the towel for the season. He says he feels burnt out and just needs a break, which is understandable. He recently got a truck, which he loves, but he's spending all his spare money on it (so, not saving for a new road bike), and is driving it around instead of riding his bike. I'm thrown for a loop. When we got together, we were both really into racing and working hard, and riding a lot and all that. Now, I'm racing and training, and he's doing different, less active stuff. I want him to be happy, but I'm struggling and feeling kind of freaked out about it. I hope that it's a phase and that once he's had a bit of a break, he'll get back into riding more. For me, it's less about his fitness or physique or whatever and more about that drive and dedication being one of the things I was attracted to initially. I've found that for me, it's a really, really big bummer to be with someone who is just content to sit on the couch all the time, and I'm scared that that's what's going to happen here. I don't think it's a terribly rational fear, but I'm not sure what to do with it.

All that is to say, maybe your husband is coming from a similar place, Linanil? Like, maybe he's just seeing a change and is disconcerted by it and doesn't know how to address it in a more sensitive way? Not that that means you should feel bad, of course! I think when I've tried to talk to D about my fears, it comes across as critical, which isn't my intention. Hopefully you guys can continue to talk it out and get to a more comfortable place on the issue.


I'm someone who gets very passionate and intense about stuff, but my interests rarely last long term and I cycle every couple of years. At times in my life I have been really into a sport, at others into a creative outlet or an intellectual goal. I could see how if someone had consistently been into physical activity for decades, they could see certain times in my life as "being content sitting on the couch", because I wasn't working out at all and spending all my free time and money studying, say, music theory & voice work instead. Or a foreign language. But really, it's what my drive is focused on that changed, not the drive itself.

If I remember right, you used to be really into music, Jopa, no? I don't know if you are still playing the horn, but in any case, you are still an intensely passionate person, and very dedicated in meeting your racing goals now. Do you think maybe the people who knew you first through the music world might have felt the way you currently feel about your boyfriend?

Wally is more of a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, and he doesn't get nearly as intense about his interests as I do. But he is much better than me at maintaining consistent, long term habits. I feel lucky that we both think of this as a complementarity rather than a clash - I bring new interests into our lives, he makes sure they aren't forgotten the minute I get distracted.


I was wondering the same, whether it's "the drive" or the shared interest you're more concerned with, JoPa. I think it'd make me sad if I lost this huge thing I shared in common with my partner, but as long as you like the person (values, attraction) I think it's possible to make it work. Have you made other bike racing friends?

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I would eat Dr. Cow pocket cheese in a second. I would eat it if you hid it under your hat, or in your backpack, but not if it was in your shoe. That's where I draw the line. -allularpunk


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 5:23 am 
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Oh, NDP, I know you wanted it to work out but hopefully this will be better for you emotionally? I know there are many others on the ppk who have had divorces or end of long term relationships. My husband got a divorce right before we started dating and I had known him prior to the divorce. I know even when you think it is the best thing, it is still hard emotionally and you will have ups and downs. hugs to you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 5:36 am 
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((((((((((NDP)))))))))))))

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:13 am 
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Sending massive hugs your way NDP.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:17 am 
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So many hugs, NDP. My offer of ice cream still stands. Or waffles at Root? (They DELIVER now, fyi though I'm not sure about brunch)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:32 am 
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ugh
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aelle wrote:
Big hugs, ndp. It must be sad and hard, but I am glad that you reached a decision that makes you feel better.

Ditto. I've been thinking of you a lot lately and I'm glad you reached a resolution, even if it is a disappointing one. <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:43 am 
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lillianp wrote:
So many hugs, NDP. My offer of ice cream still stands. Or waffles at Root? (They DELIVER now, fyi though I'm not sure about brunch)


Wait, what?! They deliver!?

Thank you for the hugs!

Yes, I can (now) see that this will be for the best in the long run. It's not going to be easy, but I'm trying to be smart about it, gentle with myself, communicate well, and continue to see my therapist. It was hugely helpful that Wilson was receptive to what I need from him right now, and we actually had a really fun night last night just hanging out, talking, making fart jokes. It sucks, but I will be OK.

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I would eat Dr. Cow pocket cheese in a second. I would eat it if you hid it under your hat, or in your backpack, but not if it was in your shoe. That's where I draw the line. -allularpunk


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:29 am 
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Big hugs, ndp. You sound like you're really approaching this in the best way possible. Keep taking good care of yourself. ♥

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:49 am 
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Big hugs, NDP. You continue to seem like such a kind person.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:56 am 
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Happy thoughts for your NDP. You seem really mature and sure about the whole thing, which is a really good sign that you are making the right decisions.

If you want any treats from Canada I will be sure to bring you a little care package at the end of the month! :)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:01 am 
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Huuuuge hugs, NDP.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:04 am 
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Hugs, NDP. These things are really hard, but it seems like you know it's the best thing for you. In the words of the wise Panda, ONWARD.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:38 am 
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Big hugs, NDP. I'm glad you're feeling positive overall about everything. Take care, lady<3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:40 pm 
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NDP, I'm glad you aren't in limbo anymore so you can start the processs of moving forward.

Much love and Molly snuggles (of course I've told her how awesome you are!)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:37 pm 
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Much love and many hugs to you NDP. You're a wonderful and generous person, and I find it inspiring how to see how kind you've been with each other through this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2013 1:38 am 
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Limbo sucks. I'm happy you're making careful decisions together, and are being sweet to yourself.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2013 6:03 am 
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Long time ppk sneaker here. I read a lot of the posts (and sometimes post!).

I am having a really hard time with a break-up right now, guys. :-/ I've been crying to a lot of people in real life, but I am afraid of straining relationships with too much of my personal stuff.

My partner of the last year just left me. I know that doesn't sound like much time, but honest to god this is feeling like one of the hardest things I've ever been through. From the beginning, things were just different with zir. I had givin up on love and was happy being along forever, but was converted by the awesome connection that we had. I'm always reluctant to give up my independence, but ze pushed me to get closer, to let zir in, to take things to the next step. We were living together about 6 months in, thinking of moving out of the state together, I was helping to plan a big queer conference with zir (who is the primary organizer, so it wasn't an equal effort, thankfully). In short, I thought our life was perfect.

In the beginning, I was scared. When we met, ze was 22 and I was 28. That's a big difference. Those fears dissolved several months in because Ze assured me over and over that they were ready for this, that they wanted a forever love, that WE were perfect for each other, etc etc etc.

Two weeks ago, Ze cheated on me with a coworker. Last night, Ze said that they were never really as in love with me as I was with them and that they resented not being able to spend more time with friends. I've been trying so hard to repair our relationship and to be the best partner I can be, but last night was the last one we will ever spent together.

To say I am devastated is a understatement. I know that I will get over this, that things will get better, but right now I can't eat, can't sleep, can barely make it to work, am avoiding my schoolwork (did I mention I'm a full-time graduate student and also work full-time for state government?).

I am so afraid to go home tonight and be alone. :-/ I feel so broken and incapable of ever knowing real love.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2013 6:17 am 
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Banned from Vegan Freaks.
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Oh papercuts, what a nightmare! Ze did you wrong, and no one could blame you for feeling broken and devastated. Sending hugs, and I'll be thinking about you.

Please do the best you can to take care of yourself during this mess, and let your loved ones help. If you ever need an unbiased ear, I have plenty of time.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 03, 2013 6:50 am 
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Oh, papercuts! Huge hugs! It's one of the worst feelings in the world to have something you were made to believe be true actually not be. Or maybe it was for a while, but changed. But it didn't change for you. Are you feeling insecure and powerless?

Do you have something else you can put energy into? A therapist to talk to?

I think it's important to feel the feelings that you're having, but behavioral therapy has helped me a lot in that I can get myself to do something small and build from there.

I'm so sorry this is happening!

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I would eat Dr. Cow pocket cheese in a second. I would eat it if you hid it under your hat, or in your backpack, but not if it was in your shoe. That's where I draw the line. -allularpunk


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