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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 12:40 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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Oh, and remember to write that it is his responsibility to make sure that everyone has his correct address and that he should make sure that the postal service has his right address too.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 2:23 pm 
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Mars wrote:
Well now I've got this nagging thing like there's something about US that's making him feel this way. Even if it's not consciously something about us that he's thinking of. Blahhhh I'm over thinking this right?! :(

Anytime you're having to make up the problem I would call it over thinking. There can always be a million things wrong, but you have to assume the best until you have reason to think otherwise. Else you're always assuming something's wrong.

I don't think that came out clearly, but I guess I just mean you have to rely on other people to be clear and not try to read into their actions. That just leads to miscommunication. He'd tell you if it was about you (I think you've already followed up on this saying it wasn't about you). I'm glad the talk went well. Anytime someone says "we need to talk" it scares the crepe out of me. Maybe let him know not to use that phrase again ;)

Mars wrote:
I guess I kinda just feel like I'm into him so much more than he's into me. But then he'll say things about how into me he is... I wonder if it's just his personality, he maybe is as into me as possible for him, but compared to how I am, and what I'm used to with dating, it makes it feel less. Sigh I don't know.

Someone else mentioned that maybe you require more affection than he is used to, but I think this could also just be a case of being insecure in the relationship. If things are newish maybe you're just not sure how committed he is and time/talking will clear these feelings up.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 2:25 pm 
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postnothing wrote:
...and he wants to get back together now. regrets his actions and will do whatever it takes. i don't know what to say to him. i like not being attached to anyone!

Personally, I couldn't trust someone who had done that. If you can't deal with problems within a relationship then you can't really be married to someone. You can't commit long term if you have to break up to solve issues. I tend to think you work on all the issues and only break up if you failed.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 5:12 pm 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
peanut wrote:
Question for the wise PPK:
I keep getting an ex's mail. We never lived together, but he did stay at my house for a couple of weeks before he moved to a different state. He put some of his stuff in storage while he was staying with me and the invoice from the storage place comes to my house once a month. He moved about 4 months ago, we have no contact and I don't know what his new address is. I called the storage place 2 months ago and told them he moved, they said okay, I assumed the job was done. I do not trust my ex, if there is any way he could use that mail against me, I believe he would. So, what should I do?



I would just write "Return to Sender" on any mail that's his that comes to your place.

+2: "Not at this address: return to sender"

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 5:57 pm 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
peanut wrote:
Question for the wise PPK:
I keep getting an ex's mail. We never lived together, but he did stay at my house for a couple of weeks before he moved to a different state. He put some of his stuff in storage while he was staying with me and the invoice from the storage place comes to my house once a month. He moved about 4 months ago, we have no contact and I don't know what his new address is. I called the storage place 2 months ago and told them he moved, they said okay, I assumed the job was done. I do not trust my ex, if there is any way he could use that mail against me, I believe he would. So, what should I do?



I would just write "Return to Sender" on any mail that's his that comes to your place.

Definitely this. That way it's not hanging around and wherever it is, there's a record that you didn't keep it hanging around.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 8:30 pm 
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JoPa wrote:
From what you've written here, it sounds more like he makes you anxious and wastes a lot of your time.


If we're being honest, what I hear in your posts is you justifying his treatment of you and making excuses that things are going to change. And its fine to give him time to change, if you're not ready to let go of the relationship, but its worth looking at why you're investing a lot of time in someone who isn't giving you the kind of respect and kindness you would want in a partner. When I read your posts, it sometimes sounds to me like you are lonely and wish you had more friends, and I wonder whether it might make you happier to invest your time in finding activities you love and meeting people to create a strong social support network around you.

I definitely know how it feels to be the one rationalizing away really crappy behavior and making excuses, but at the end of the day, especially early on in a relationship, it sounds like you're overlooking a pretty large piece of information about any potential relationship you may have. When things get hard and stressful, your guy doesn't check in, he leaves you hanging and he does what works for him without much consideration for how it leaves you feeling. And that doesn't make him a bad person,but it does mean that while you may very much want to be in a serious relationship right now, its worth considering whether this is the one you want to be in.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 8:56 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
and I wonder whether it might make you happier to invest your time in finding activities you love and meeting people to create a strong social support network around you.

This is very much true. I keep meaning to try out Meetup.com since you've mentioned it.

Y'all might be right, and I'm not ignoring what y'all are saying. But I'm not interested in calling it quits at this point in time, there really is so so much awesomeness here too. We'll see though, like I said, I'm at least keeping my heart as removed as I can (which is not much, but it's better than what I normally do); and I'm definitely at a point now where I can see myself calling it off if my annoyed-meter gets any higher.

I do love however that the PPK is always quick to protect their own. Y'all feel like a fictitious protective older brother, it's sweet.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 9:12 pm 
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Semen Strong
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We care about you a lot on the PPK, and I would imagine that would translate into real life as well, if you found the right group of future friends. :) Good luck finding a great support system! I definitely know that it has been easier for me to feel happy and stable when I've had good friends around me.

I'm glad your relationship is awesome and you're happy. Sending you lots of good thoughts!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:39 pm 
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Banned from Vegan Freaks.
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kilgore trout wrote:
ScooterDiva wrote:
peanut wrote:
Question for the wise PPK:
I keep getting an ex's mail. We never lived together, but he did stay at my house for a couple of weeks before he moved to a different state. He put some of his stuff in storage while he was staying with me and the invoice from the storage place comes to my house once a month. He moved about 4 months ago, we have no contact and I don't know what his new address is. I called the storage place 2 months ago and told them he moved, they said okay, I assumed the job was done. I do not trust my ex, if there is any way he could use that mail against me, I believe he would. So, what should I do?



I would just write "Return to Sender" on any mail that's his that comes to your place.

Definitely this. That way it's not hanging around and wherever it is, there's a record that you didn't keep it hanging around.

This sounds like the least amount of work for me and I won't have to contact him, which is best for both of us. Here's hoping it works better than the phone call seemed to.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 11:21 pm 
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Can't Dance, Isn't Part of Revolution
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Hey there, PPK. I don't post very often - mostly because I'm cripplingly shy/anxious (yeah, too shy to post anonymously on an Internet message board. It's ridiculous, I know!!) But I need to vent today.

Spoiler: show
My relationship of 13 months ended last week. She told me that she needed to be single to sort her life out. While I was heartbroken, I was at least a little hopeful that she said this, because she really does need to sort her life out! She was badly physically and emotionally abused by her mother for her entire childhood, and most if not all of her relationships until she met me had been abusive. She only started to accept that she's gay relatively recently (early last year), and has really struggled with it. Her parents, who still have a lot of emotional power over her, are extremely homophobic. As a result of all this, she has a pretty major alcohol problem. She can't talk about things, so getting smashed is her only coping mechanism.

Tonight however, it emerged that the real reason she broke up with me is that she'd met someone else and was cheating on me. I found out accidentally through Facebook - a woman had tagged her in a suggestive sounding status, and I clicked on her name. Her profile was completely public, and let's just say it told me enough. :(

I feel so used. I did always have a lot of suspicions, I often felt like I didn't believe it when she said she loved me. But then I would beat myself up for that, telling myself that I was being unfair and was just too insecure. Looking over things now, I just wish I'd had faith in my what my intuition was telling me!! There were so many things she did that I overlooked because I didn't want to believe I was being treated badly... Things that should have been *huge* red flags. Like forgetting about a really terrible and life-altering thing that happened to me, and lying about the fact that one of her friends was actually an ex. And not respecting my mental illness - she would call me "crazy" and tell me I just needed to "toughen up". She tried to get me to stop taking my anti-depressants, and shouted at me after I had a panic attack. And she had this friend who was in love with her, who got her initials tattooed on his arm... I do know that she was never interested in him at all, but for the longest time she refused to tell him about me or even that she wasn't single. And she has a lot of internalized homophobia, and would often come out with really offensive remarks. I think she does think of lesbian relationships as less valid.

On some level I think I knew all of this was pretty messed up, but I excused it because I could see why she did it. She really has had such an astonishingly hard life, that she was bound to have problems. She has reasons to be bitter and to not trust people. I see now that that's no excuse to treat me the way she has, though. I think I did feel sorry for her and wanted so badly to help because she's clearly been hitting the self-destruct button for a while, and none of her close friends or family really care at all.

I always thought - and she actually agreed, in her more lucid moments - that she's basically a teenager. She's never grown up. She runs away from every problem she ever has, and she doesn't take responsibility for anything she does. In the entire time we were together I never had a sincere apology for anything - I always had to fish for it, and it was always clear she only said it to shut me up. It was my sister's wedding a few weeks back and she said she would come, but went out and got drunk instead. When I complained about this she acted like I was being clingy, but (as always) I was still expected to come and look after her when she was hungover the next day!! When I told her that no, I was actually busy making cookies for a mutual friend's birthday, she got angry and accused me of not caring about her.

Meh, I'm sorry for the huge rant. I guess I'm just second guessing myself so much and I'm hoping for reassurance that I haven't done anything wrong. It's a horrible situation, right? And she screwed me over? There have been so many times this year when I've wondered if I'm going mad, because she'd say or do something that seemed really bad but then acted like it was normal, and that I had no right to complain. It's really broken my confidence, which was fragile to start with. It happened tonight too, when I confronted her (by text, because she wouldn't answer her phone) about this other girl. She had no explanation and eventually admitted guilt, but even then, I came away feeling like the bad guy. She actually said, "If you don't leave me alone now I'm going to call the police." All I had done was try to call her for ~3 minutes, and sent her 6 or 7 texts. I never said anything remotely threatening, it was just along the lines of "I saw this on Facebook, is it true?!" and then "I'm heartbroken, how could you do this to me?" Obviously I did leave her alone after that, and I'll probably never see or hear from her again.

It's now 5:20am. I don't think sleep is going to happen, though I really just want to be unconscious and not have to be feeling this.

(In a spoiler because it ended up being so long. Thank you so much if you actually read to the end...)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 1:03 am 
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From what you've put here, Snarf, no question but that you're best off out of this destructive situation. It's always so hard to accept that people can only change themselves, and no amount of love and care can rescue someone from their self-destructive behaviour unless they want to rescue themselves too. Step back, treat yourself with the kindness you deserve, and don't look back.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 1:40 am 
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Hey Snarf, I know it's a painful breakup for you but it sounds like you're better off without her. If you read your post and put in another PPK-er's name instead of yours what would you think?

Block her number, block her facebook. Stay away from her drama and work on yourself. Take as much time as you need for self-care - and then get out there and meet a woman who will treat you well rather then somebody who you have to make excuses for all the time. You can't fix a broken person - she is the only one who can fix herself and it doesn't sound like she wants to. She might never want to. It is way easier to get wasted than to face your issues and work through them. But that is not your problem, she will need to figure it out for herself (or not). If she wants to get wasted every day that's her decision, she is an adult. You work on making your own life better. You don't deserve to be chasing after an addict.

Maybe you want to talk to a counselor if you are able to - so you can figure things out for yourself and get a plan to move forward with your new, better life. It will get better. Good luck <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 1:43 am 
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Oh, I posted before I saw Ruby's reply. She said it better than I did!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 2:38 am 
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Thanks so much guys, that's exactly what I needed to hear. She really isn't ready to stop drinking, and she's so good at sticking her head in the sand I don't see that changing anytime soon. I could see this fact earlier on in our relationship I think, I did actually break up with her for most of January because it seemed like she was just repeating the same patterns and it didn't look like anything was going to change. But we both just really missed each other, and I guess I got sucked back in. And I'm realizing now that I really have been blaming myself for her shiitake for quite a while now.

I understand rationally now how that's rubbish, and despite what she says it's only her who's responsible for her own actions. But my brain hasn't accepted it emotionally yet, so I feel horrible. I guess I just have to wait and eventually I will stop missing her and feeling like crepe and beating myself up, but ugggggggh. I wish there was a quicker fix for this feeling.

She's already blocked me on Facebook, and I've deleted her number. I started collecting her stuff that I have here and have thrown it into a corner behind my wardrobe so I don't have to look at it!! I'll bin it tomorrow. Going to try to get some sleep now, feeling calm enough that I might be able to.

I've got plans with friends for tomorrow so hopefully they can distract me and I won't sit around on my own moping. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 3:33 am 
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I don't really have anything new to say apart from to add my voice in support of the advice already given here. I always think that someone calling you crazy is an easy way to try and discredit what you're saying (and anything you might understand/believe/suspect) and say something deeply hurtful, not least because mental health issues of all kinds are really stigmatised in our society.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 7:03 am 
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Oh snarf, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how much this all must have hurt.

I don't want to label your experiences, but if I were in that situation I would consider it abusive. Might it be helpful to connect with a support line for people who've been in abusive relationships? It might help clarify some things for you and help you figure out what you want your next step to be.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 9:14 am 
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I got roses delivered to my work this past week (complete with a sappy card that included a Tolkien quote, oh my, I've found someone just as geeky as me.) I've been seeing this guy casually for about eight months now - it kind of surprised both of us when we sat down and realized that it had been that long. We're really enjoying each other's company, and I think we're about to take it to the next level and be all exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend. For some reason this doesn't terrify me as much as I thought it would, which I'm taking as a good sign!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 9:17 am 
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I had a really lovely last few days staying with my squeeze. We both raced a really big race, he did well! I did mediocre (or good if you give me a handicap considering my circumstances). It was really nice just coexisting with him. Usually we are super busy and I'll scoot over after work and then leave the next morning or vice versa. But we actually spent a full weekend together.

He cooks the kind of food I like to eat which is awesome because I know whatever I cook he'll like and whatever he makes I will want to/like to eat. Which doesn't sounds like a big deal but when you're a largely gluten-free vegan in a non vegan world it makes life so much less stressful.

We looked at rankings of elite racers last night and he'll ranked really high nationally and we had a great moment of yelling and cheering. His little boy is so sweet and cuddly it was like having the family I always wanted really. He asked me to move in! (Not in the same moment, about a week ago.) He's moving soon so it won't happened until then but it all seems like such a whirlwind but by the time I move in it will probably be 7 or 8 months of dating which seems like an ok time frame. I feel really cautious about everything though and still have a few months to make sure it is a good decision for me.

He's already seen me at some of my most vulnerable moments and he's dealt with it better than anyone else I've ever been with. When issues have arisen we've been able to work it out, he's so good at communicating and compromising it really inspires me to do better!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 9:22 am 
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flavabean - aww and yay!

fupa - Sounds like things are going really well. How exciting that he's asked you to move in!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 9:41 am 
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I know! We live pretty far apart so it would greatly reduce stress.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 1:56 pm 
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Oh frig we have an anniversary thing coming up and I have precisely zero plans for it. I am the worst at romance.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 2:02 pm 
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Tea wrote:
Oh frig we have an anniversary thing coming up and I have precisely zero plans for it. I am the worst at romance.

perfect!

pancakes in bed, and a heartfelt letter imo. then go climb trees and play on swings. DONE.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:15 pm 
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joshua wrote:
Tea wrote:
Oh frig we have an anniversary thing coming up and I have precisely zero plans for it. I am the worst at romance.

perfect!

pancakes in bed, and a heartfelt letter imo. then go climb trees and play on swings. DONE.


Yeah I really can't think of too many things that would top pancakes in bed!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:56 pm 
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Belgian waffles and whipped 'cream' in bed.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 8:44 pm 
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I like it. I can do pancakes in bed. And a letter! One of my housemates loaned his ukelele to me. I do not know how to play the ukelele but I have enough musicalness that I think I could make a song by Thursday. A romance song.


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