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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 11:50 pm 
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rekord it 4 the PPK

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 2:14 am 
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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:46 am 
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A romance ukelele song! Love it.

Our anniversary is still 4 months away, but I'm wondering how it will be approached. Obviously, we still have some pretty big milestones to get through first (Thanksgiving, Xmas (probably with my family), his birthday, New Years) which are all sometimes weird and stressful in the first year of a relationship. I'm pretty sure T doesn't know our anniversary day (to be fair, I only know because I looked back in my calendar and saw what time/day I worked and remembered because it was a basketball game day), and even that is just the first time we went home together. When do you guys count your anniversary? We had that exclusivity talk about a week or so in, but I don't remember the exact date. Our first 'date' wasn't until a few months in (because of the dramaz), but we had been exclusive for long before that. I dunno, I've never been much of an anniversary person, honestly, because most of my relationships start like this, ambiguously. It's always been more of a 'Hey, we've been dating for about a year around this time! Neat!' kind of thing. I guess if I ever get married, that will be on a specific date, so that would be much easier to celebrate.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:52 am 
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It is funny with us, I count my birthday as our anniversary. The reason being is my husband sent me a gift and let me know his intensions that he liked me. After that, we talked on the phone daily (we were already IMing daily - talking on the phone semi regularly) and were 'exclusive' from that point on. We actually didn't see each other (as a dating couple) until about month after my birthday when I went to visit DC and we didn't have sex until sometime after that.

But yeah, my birthday (May) 2005 is what I count as our official anniversary of when we started 'dating'. October 2005 is when we moved in with each other and November 2006 is when we got married.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 8:02 am 
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Our dating anniversary is Dec 23 2001. It was the day that we had a conversation on ICQ (Ha!) about whether we were dating or what. Conveniently enough, our wedding anniversary is Dec 22 2008, which we picked because of it already being our anniversary. So now we pretty much just have one date to celebrate.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 8:22 am 
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Mike and I are kinda the same, except it was totally on unintentional. Our exclusivity date is the Fourth of July (easy to remember!) and we got married on 3 July. But we only got married that day because my family was able to be here and it was a weekday (the 4th was the Saturday but we wouldn't have been able to use the venue because it was a uni building and wouldn't have been open).

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:23 am 
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I count the day we met/had our first date. Bb counts the day we had the Define the Relationship Talk, but only to wind me up about whether or not we had to start counting over again.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:26 am 
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D and I had our one year anniversary last month. The day itself wasn't a huge deal for either of us, but we did go out for dinner (a couple days later, because our actual anniversary fell on a bad day of the week). We both felt like we should do something to acknowledge the significance of that milestone, but neither one of us is huge on elaborate anniversary stuff. A casual dinner out was pretty much perfect.

While posting in this thread... we had our first houseguest last week, and it went well! My friend from the Bay Area came and stayed with us, and it was fun. It's nice to have our place back to ourselves, but it's pretty great to be able to have guests. I haven't lived in a place where I could do that since 2006!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:26 am 
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I only remember the year we got married because Everton won the FA Cup.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:32 am 
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I think we got chinese take out on our 3rd anniversary...

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:35 am 
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The day we're thinking of is the day of our first date, during which we got together and played a bunch of boardgames. It was also our first kiss, which helps make it less ambiguous. We did talk about exclusivity at some point but... I don't think either of us committed the date of that conversation to memory.

HOWEVER, the facebooks provide the date for when we became "Facebook Official", approximately a month after our first date. On the other hand, Facebook is silly.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:43 am 
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For us it's the date he said "yes, I want to be with you despite you living in another city and yes we should kiss". It was weirdly formal but I was very happy after a horrible day before that.

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ashley wrote:
I have never thought "This coffee is okay, but it would be better if it were oily."


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 10:08 am 
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We never celebrate our anniversary though, I just know some of the various anniversaries. I may tell my husband happy anniversary on our wedding anniversary but that is pretty much it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:15 pm 
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I can easily remember the date we met and the date we first quietly played chess, but the date we actually got married eluded me for the longest time! By coincidence, it's the date that we got to take our younger son home from the hospital-- something that was uncertain at the time, and thus memorable-- and now I finally have a way of remembering it.

We don't really celebrate! But it's nice to high five and laugh about how bad our memories are etc.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:27 pm 
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Snarf wrote:
guess I just have to wait and eventually I will stop missing her and feeling like crepe and beating myself up, but ugggggggh. I wish there was a quicker fix for this feeling.

You just have to be secure about your thoughts on this. Like when you doubted your instincts saying she was less than honest/faithful. When dealing with the breakup you need to remember that this was a really unhealthy relationship. You are in a much better place now.

You said she had been in abusive relationships before, well I think she still was. In your relationship she was the abusive person. I hope in the future you don't tolerate anyone treating you like she did. Good luck.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 1:06 pm 
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I forgot about the quietly playing chess filter. Man, I love the PPK.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 1:23 pm 
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hahahahah i thought maybe they were really into chess, like competition style and had a mental image of two people making intense eye contact over a board, maybe hitting timers*, each move a metaphor. and obvi, the date would have been a big competition day and you can't forget that!
*(is it regular chess or speed chess? gawd! the filter should specify)

is the filter what i suspect it is? uhhhh... going all the way?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 1:26 pm 
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Ha! I never even thought about that, speed chess, LOL. But yes, you are correct about the filter for having sex.

ETA: Or it's a filter for something like that; I guess I don't know exactly. Figures.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 1:27 pm 
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fooling around? eta: guess not

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 2:35 pm 
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ndpittman wrote:
Ha! I never even thought about that, speed chess, LOL. But yes, you are correct about the filter for having sex.

ETA: Or it's a filter for something like that; I guess I don't know exactly. Figures.


I forget what the hell it's a filter for but I love it so much I typed it out.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:16 pm 
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Anniversaries are tricky. My manfriend specifically asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend so it was a pretty clear marker for us and I programmed it into my phone calendar so I wouldn't forget. Our two year one is about 2 months away and I am excited. I don't know what I'll do for it, because I'm suspicious that my manfriend may ask if he can become Mr. Fizzgig on our anniversary, which is conveniently a Friday this year, so I don't want to interfere with his plans...I'm thinking about getting him an accordion, if I can find one at a decent price.

The chess filter is fantastic.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:41 pm 
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Tigon wrote:
Snarf wrote:
guess I just have to wait and eventually I will stop missing her and feeling like crepe and beating myself up, but ugggggggh. I wish there was a quicker fix for this feeling.

You just have to be secure about your thoughts on this. Like when you doubted your instincts saying she was less than honest/faithful. When dealing with the breakup you need to remember that this was a really unhealthy relationship. You are in a much better place now.

You said she had been in abusive relationships before, well I think she still was. In your relationship she was the abusive person. I hope in the future you don't tolerate anyone treating you like she did. Good luck.

Thank you!

After thinking on it a bit, I do agree. I feel guilty accusing her of abuse, because I'm really not sure she could help it. Her past experiences taught her how to relate to me. That doesn't make it OK though, and it doesn't make it not abuse.

I always thought of her only as a victim, like her abusive behaviours weren't part of her. When she said unreasonable/offensive things I would tell myself that it wasn't really her talking, it was her mother, and that there was a good person underneath. Now I think that was a very dangerous way to think about it!!

She always complained that we argued too much, and before I found out that she'd been cheating that was one of the reasons she gave me for breaking up. But the vast majority of the time, the arguments we had weren't what I would call arguments. Whenever I disagreed with her, that counted as an argument, and if I got visibly frustrated she'd just hold her hand up and say "I'm not arguing". It was just an easy way of shutting me down. I ended up feeling like I'd done something wrong, and she didn't have to take responsibility for anything.

I think I got too inconvenient for her in the end. I kept pointing out that she had problems she needed to address, but she didn't want to address them. I don't think I mentioned in my first post, that she broke up with me by text. She didn't reply to my messages for 3 days, and when I asked why she was ignoring me, she finally replied "I've been thinking, and I need to be on my own." (She was already with the new girl...!)

Typing this out has made me feel better actually, seeing it written down makes it obvious how stupid it all is. It's been really helpful seeing the responses on here, I feel more secure now that I've not been unfair at all. I'm hopeful that it shouldn't take too long for me to get over this. I didn't manage to sleep on Monday in the end, instead I read over old text messages from her and was physically sick! That was NOT clever. And I did do the thing this morning where I woke up feeling normal because I didn't remember what had happened, then it all came rushing back and I felt terrible. I've still had that nauseous, hollow feeling for most of today, BUT it has lifted now and I've felt pretty good for about 3 hours now! :)

I will definitely learn from this experience, anyway. Won't happen again...


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 11:51 pm 
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ndpittman wrote:
I forgot about the quietly playing chess filter. Man, I love the PPK.

The first time I encountered this filter it was someone complaining about waking up to their dorm mate quietly playing chess with someone. I had no clue it was a filter and was thinking: wow, if that's the worst complaint you have about your dorm mate, you have the best dorm mate ever! I'm pretty sure it was a filter for the words "having sex", so maybe it's not a filter any more?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 1:04 am 
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Rhizopus Oligosporus wrote:
I'm pretty sure it was a filter for the words "having sex", so maybe it's not a filter any more?

Awhhhhhh mannnn, bummer!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 1:05 am 
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Snarf wrote:
I will definitely learn from this experience, anyway. Won't happen again...

This is an awesome way to end this post. I feel proud of you and I don't even know you. Go you!

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