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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 12:23 pm 
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I typed out a response to those messages I got. Mostly about how I'm not upset anymore and even though it was a terrible experience I would not change anything about it because I learned so much. Also, that I mostly blame myself because I let the relationship continue long after it should have ended, long after I knew what kind of person he was. That part of it is definitely on me. But, I ended with this:
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Sometimes you don't know how much something weighs you down until it doesn't anymore.

I feel really good about what I wrote, but I will not be sending it. I don't think anything in the note would be helpful to him, it's just for me.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 11:14 pm 
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Sad mars is sad. Knows the decision he has to make but can't make it. Really really doesn't want to make it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 2:09 am 
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You need to clear the path for happiness and love to come into your life, lovely Mars. Tough now, but for better things to come.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 2:13 am 
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Probably isn't going to make it to be honest. At least for a while.

Sorry for being so vague. I'm just confused and feel so freakin lonely even though I have someone telling me they want to be with me. But then is hardly actually ever with me. It really makes so much sense to end it but I can't do it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 2:17 am 
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(Long distance, trans-Atlantic hug)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 2:23 am 
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Thanks, RR

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:27 am 
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Aww, hang in there Mars.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:55 am 
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Awww Mars, I'm sorry<33

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:58 am 
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Sorry for your rough time, Mars. I'm sure you'll find the strength to do what you need to do, eventually!

The last week has been a little better, but I have to admit that it all still feels very much up in the air. Cat finally moved zir stuff out of the apartment last night after a kind of explosive situation. I was lucky to have a good friend with me for hugs, advice, and reassurance but it was a difficult night.

I keep looking around at how bare everything is, now, and pacing around wondering where my life has gone to. I've been trying to reconnect with friends and to keep my head in a logical rather than emotional state, but last night I didn't sleep and woke up throwing up again this morning. There are moments when I have hope for the future, so that is good. I can't say that about myself not that long ago!

I think it's made worse by living in this place (conservative East Tennessee), where it's so difficult to find people with similar viewpoints/outlook as myself. I know I'm still months from being able to consider another relationship, but the thought of starting over is enough to send me into another tailspin. *sigh*


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 9:21 am 
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Papercuts!! Big huge hugs. Not sure if it'll help you, but something that helped me (part distraction, part taking control) was setting up my "new" bedroom. Your space may seem empty, but is there a way to rearrange things to suit you more? Will you have to find a new roommate? Can you afford to get a couple of odds and ends to fill out the space? Maybe like flea market, rummage sale, or a charity shop? I can't really afford to buy much, nor do I need much, but I did find a $20 nightstand on craigslist and one of those foam mattress pads that make my room a lot more comfortable. I'm also working on getting rid of things in case I do have to move or get a roommate, and that has been helpful somehow. Maybe it goes along with the lightening of one's load analogy.

I do have to admit that one night I just took some time and listened to depressing music and wept. It felt good in a way to acknowledge it. (Mazzy Star, Fiona Apple, Ryan Adams, and Jeff Buckley were all featured.) I acknowledged all the thoughts that came into my head while doing it, and tried to consider the deeper reason I was feeling them and the significance in my personal history.

Big bear hugs to you, Mars! If it's not working, it's not working. I think all you can do is be honest with yourself and your partner.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 9:33 am 
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ndpittman--yes, I need to reorganize, some, I think! I'm feeling pretty deflated right now, but your advice has been an extra kick...hopefully I'll get started on that today sometime. :)

My plan has been to move out of here in December, so I'm unsure if I should get a few things (I also need a night-stand, maybe a bookshelf, and a rug would be nice...) now or wait until that time. I think it's important for me to reclaim my "space," so that instead of seeing what isn't there I am creating a place just for me. Luckily, I won't need a roommate!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 9:49 am 
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Maybe just small steps, papercuts? I know my first step was just clearing all the clean clothes off of the bed so I could sleep there! So maybe work an hour, or get one of those things, and then see how you feel? It really can be empowering though, and I think that's important to feel. This breakup is leaving me feeling powerless, insecure, and out of control, so I'm looking at ways to feel powerful, secure, and in control or my destiny (and not be terrified by that!). I think that's the thing. My five year plan shiitake the bed, and that is giving me so much anxiety. At the same time, I'm at a place where I have very few obligations, so I'm working to just take it a day at a time and enjoy life. I lost my plan, but I can literally do almost anything I want to at any time. It's terrifying, but also liberating.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 10:37 am 
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ndpittman wrote:
I'm working to just take it a day at a time and enjoy life. I lost my plan, but I can literally do almost anything I want to at any time. It's terrifying, but also liberating.


I can appreciate this, definitely!

I'm not sure that I had ever really given another person so much room in my life before. I have always put myself first and thought about my future, my needs, etc.

With my ex, WE had plans and OUR future to look forward to. Letting go of that ideal is very difficult right now. I'm sure I can get back to that because ultimately I'm a very independent person... but it will take time. I'm trying to be patient with myself, to give myself room to feel bad while also maintaining some little bit of hope.

It doesn't exactly apply, but I've been taking inspiration from this Eleanor Roosevelt quote lately:
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 11:32 am 
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Mars wrote:
Probably isn't going to make it to be honest. At least for a while.

Sorry for being so vague. I'm just confused and feel so freakin lonely even though I have someone telling me they want to be with me. But then is hardly actually ever with me. It really makes so much sense to end it but I can't do it.


Dude, life is too short for this. I know it's hard, but you have to do it. This guy clearly isn't giving you what you need, and that sucks, but if you're still with him, you're not going to meet the person who DOES give you what you need. Rip off the bandaid, and ONWARD.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 12:32 pm 
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papercuts wrote:
ndpittman wrote:
I'm working to just take it a day at a time and enjoy life. I lost my plan, but I can literally do almost anything I want to at any time. It's terrifying, but also liberating.


I can appreciate this, definitely!

I'm not sure that I had ever really given another person so much room in my life before. I have always put myself first and thought about my future, my needs, etc.

With my ex, WE had plans and OUR future to look forward to. Letting go of that ideal is very difficult right now. I'm sure I can get back to that because ultimately I'm a very independent person... but it will take time. I'm trying to be patient with myself, to give myself room to feel bad while also maintaining some little bit of hope.

It doesn't exactly apply, but I've been taking inspiration from this Eleanor Roosevelt quote lately:
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”


Awesome quote! I kind of want to hang it on my mirror. XOXO

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 12:34 pm 
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ndpittman wrote:
Papercuts!! Big huge hugs. Not sure if it'll help you, but something that helped me (part distraction, part taking control) was setting up my "new" bedroom. Your space may seem empty, but is there a way to rearrange things to suit you more? Will you have to find a new roommate? Can you afford to get a couple of odds and ends to fill out the space? Maybe like flea market, rummage sale, or a charity shop? I can't really afford to buy much, nor do I need much, but I did find a $20 nightstand on craigslist and one of those foam mattress pads that make my room a lot more comfortable. I'm also working on getting rid of things in case I do have to move or get a roommate, and that has been helpful somehow. Maybe it goes along with the lightening of one's load analogy.


My last significant relationship was a couple of years ago now, but pretty much every time I've gone through a hard breakup I think just about all the furniture in the space I've been living has moved! This includes when I was living in a campervan, broke up with someone and then literally pulled all the furniture I'd built out and started it again. I don't know what it is about doing that, but for me at least it seems to reset a few things and pull me out of a feeling-sorry-for-myself cycle.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 12:43 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
Mars wrote:
Probably isn't going to make it to be honest. At least for a while.
Sorry for being so vague. I'm just confused and feel so freakin lonely even though I have someone telling me they want to be with me. But then is hardly actually ever with me. It really makes so much sense to end it but I can't do it.

Dude, life is too short for this. I know it's hard, but you have to do it. This guy clearly isn't giving you what you need, and that sucks, but if you're still with him, you're not going to meet the person who DOES give you what you need. Rip off the bandaid, and ONWARD.

Jordan, you're just so tough I don't know how you do it! :)

Honestly he's in a bad place with his mental health right now, so that makes it harder. I think what I'm going to do is tell him to take the time he needs to work on his health and contact me when he feels ready. I need to not be setting time aside for him or wondering why I can't reach him, etc. I feel like if it really is a mental health slip and normally he's more like how it was at first, then I would happily try again.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 1:47 pm 
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Imogen wrote:
ndpittman wrote:
Papercuts!! Big huge hugs. Not sure if it'll help you, but something that helped me (part distraction, part taking control) was setting up my "new" bedroom. Your space may seem empty, but is there a way to rearrange things to suit you more? Will you have to find a new roommate? Can you afford to get a couple of odds and ends to fill out the space? Maybe like flea market, rummage sale, or a charity shop? I can't really afford to buy much, nor do I need much, but I did find a $20 nightstand on craigslist and one of those foam mattress pads that make my room a lot more comfortable. I'm also working on getting rid of things in case I do have to move or get a roommate, and that has been helpful somehow. Maybe it goes along with the lightening of one's load analogy.


My last significant relationship was a couple of years ago now, but pretty much every time I've gone through a hard breakup I think just about all the furniture in the space I've been living has moved! This includes when I was living in a campervan, broke up with someone and then literally pulled all the furniture I'd built out and started it again. I don't know what it is about doing that, but for me at least it seems to reset a few things and pull me out of a feeling-sorry-for-myself cycle.

I did something similar to this yesterday. Not quite as drastic, but I got rid of some stuff and moved all the furniture around in my room. I thought it might help to try and make it into a "new" place, one that might not trigger so many rose-tinted memories of the ex. It has definitely helped a bit!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 7:18 pm 
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Mars wrote:
jordanpattern wrote:
Mars wrote:
Probably isn't going to make it to be honest. At least for a while.
Sorry for being so vague. I'm just confused and feel so freakin lonely even though I have someone telling me they want to be with me. But then is hardly actually ever with me. It really makes so much sense to end it but I can't do it.

Dude, life is too short for this. I know it's hard, but you have to do it. This guy clearly isn't giving you what you need, and that sucks, but if you're still with him, you're not going to meet the person who DOES give you what you need. Rip off the bandaid, and ONWARD.

Jordan, you're just so tough I don't know how you do it! :)

Honestly he's in a bad place with his mental health right now, so that makes it harder. I think what I'm going to do is tell him to take the time he needs to work on his health and contact me when he feels ready. I need to not be setting time aside for him or wondering why I can't reach him, etc. I feel like if it really is a mental health slip and normally he's more like how it was at first, then I would happily try again.


I'm not tough. I'm just old and know the things I regret. I've been in similar situations to yours a couple of times, and I regret not making a clean break as soon as I knew in my gut that it wasn't going to work. I've never been happy I stayed once I started having those doubts.

That said, that's me. Maybe your situation is different.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 7:30 pm 
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I don't think its being tough either, fwiw. I think its having respect for your own time and needs.

I wish you good luck Mars. I definitely know how hard it is to leave something that is making you even 10% happy, when you're feeling lonely and not very happy in general, but I am very happy for you being in a place where you can honor your own needs.

Sending good thoughts to everyone in this thread.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 7:49 pm 
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Something else shitty is that today's his birthday, and we've had plans for a while that I was going to take him out for diner. I was feeling pretty good about this, we'd have a nice night together, and then I'd contact him in a couple days and talk about how I'm feeling and that I think he should take some space and contact me when he feels ready.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttttt


He just texted me at 5:30 (the plans were for 6:15) that he's super tired after his run and not sure he feels like going out. That he'd love to another night.

Jesus. Fing. Christ.

Almost. Had. A Forkin. Aneurism.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 7:52 pm 
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Mars wrote:
Something else shitty is that today's his birthday, and we've had plans for a while that I was going to take him out for diner. I was feeling pretty good about this, we'd have a nice night together, and then I'd contact him in a couple days and talk about how I'm feeling and that I think he should take some space and contact me when he feels ready.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttttt


He just texted me at 5:30 (the plans were for 6:15) that he's super tired after his run and not sure he feels like going out. That he'd love to another night.

Jesus. Fing. Christ.

Almost. Had. A Forkin. Aneurism.


Ugh, dude, forget this guy. That's all sorts of shitty.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:04 pm 
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I just wish I could forkin understand it. I don't get the forking point of it.

Also now I have no idea what to do with myself and I hate that feeling so much. There's no one left in Portland who I can snuggle on the couch and drink with and vent to.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:16 pm 
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Well, there could be a thousand reasons, but you probably will never know what they are, they probably don't have anything to do with you, and you could spend years going down the rabbit hole of wondering why this guy isn't treating you the way you want to be treated to. Or it could be as simple as looking at the way he is treating you, and deciding that you don't want to allow anyone to treat you that way.

I really feel your pain. I dated someone like that for 5 years off and on, and it was alternately wonderful when he would show up and be there and awful when he would blow me off at the last minute. And he was also dealing with a lot of mental health issues, so I cut him so much slack, because I wanted to be the one who would be there for him and help him figure things out, so I could end up with the amazing guy he was when he would actually show up. And I cannot tell you what a huge waste of energy and mental space that was. It was a huge wake up call for me, that it didn't matter why someone was treating me like crepe. I had two choices - tolerate it or refuse to tolerate it. Life is too short for shitty relationships, y'know?

I hope this doesn't land as harsh, but you seem like a wonderful person - funny, kind, smart and sweet - and I hope you find someone who will see that and treat your very kind heart with the gentleness it deserves.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:28 pm 
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papercuts wrote:

I think it's made worse by living in this place (conservative East Tennessee), where it's so difficult to find people with similar viewpoints/outlook as myself. I know I'm still months from being able to consider another relationship, but the thought of starting over is enough to send me into another tailspin. *sigh*


Ugh I have felt that way about my ex and I'm in Asheville which has to be way better than Knoxville (but its a smaller town so maybe not?). Either way, I can see that my ex is still a 94% match for me blahblahblah, I mean how can it be better, right? Now I felt that about my ex before that one, but the chances to meet *anotheranother* one?

But I'm sure it will happen if I actually want it to, right? blergh. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to though because I have hit my cynical not giving a crepe about anyone ever again stage, so that's good.

Mars, it sounds like you really will be better off. I mean, he obviously isn't going to ever totally meet your needs. So, unless you were gonna be polyamorous or something, you are gonna have to just do it!

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