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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:02 pm 
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Thanks so much for replying :-) Torque, it's good to know that you and your husband stayed together even with something like this. And yes, you guys are right that he does still have some issues with his ex to work through. He is doing that. And now that the dust has settled, he has told me he will work with the therapist on the best way to do this.

I wish it was easier, I think he would be happier and I know I certainly would. But I don't think my family is such a huge part of my life that it has to end my relationship if this is truly the only issue. I think I just wanted reassurances from him that he would try...


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:03 pm 
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peanut!! That is so horrible!

I can't add much more to what has been said, ficbot. Therapy sounds like a really good thing for the two of you, and maybe for him on his own as well. One of the things that I've been made aware of is that I say shitty things when fighting, too, and that's not a very nice thing to do. So maybe bring that up in therapy, too? I would be really upset if my partner asked me to cut a family member out of my life. Otherwise, I think it depends on if you have the kind of relationship where you let each other sit things out. I think it does need to be a mutual compromise, but I don't know. Wilson and I didn't really like hanging out with each others friends that much just because of language issues, so we'd try sometimes, but also be OK if the other needed to take a pass. Take that with a grain of salt as well though as we're no longer together.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:10 pm 
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Right?
Of course immediately after calling my mom these awful names he would have the gall to ask for a 'second chance'.
I really know how to pick 'em!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:19 pm 
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Ficbot, I am going to come at this from the side of your husband. I do not like an in-law. I will not rehash the why, but it is intense and frankly I could not care less if I never lay eyes on her again. However, she is at family functions and as an adult, I must find ways to be civil. When she pushes the buttons that I have I step away for a time to calm myself. I limit my exposure to her, but not my kids or my husbands. When at the smaller gatherings I always bring things to be busy with. And I always have an out.

His request that you not spend time with family is, frankly, unacceptable to me. If my in-law made me so angry that I did not want to see her again, I would not prevent others in my family from seeing her.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:31 pm 
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i should probably add that i respected my husband's decision to avoid my family because they were very antagonistic towards him. as in my father's post-vietnam PTSD was set off by my husband's asian face and it was not unlike those movies you may have seen, like that kind of antagonistic. so i couldn't blame him. if the situation had been different i might not have been so accommodating. i do agree with Kfad that as an adult you have to at least try (and my husband will say hi to my mom on the phone briefly, etc) even if only to humor your loved one. that's what you do for people you love.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:56 pm 
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ficbot, I feel like unless they are unkind to your partner or are terrible human beings, spending time with in-laws is just part of being in a relationship. My mother has a personality disorder and emotional maturity of a 2-year old, but I still expect my husband to come with me to visit on holidays and be a good host when she visits. When we were first together he had major issues with her because she's manipulative and doesn't respect boundaries. I had to talk to my mom and tell her to back off, and now she's a little more respectful of the things that really trigger him. My husband doesn't like my mom and is particularly PO'd by the way she treats me, but he's still polite and friendly. I have issues with his family too, but I still go to his family functions and deal with it. If it's important to you that he accompany you on family visits, then it should be important to him.

It's not cool for your partner to be unloading his baggage on this relationship, especially when it seems like your mom is making an effort. Getting along with people you don't particularly like is kind of an essential skill to function in society!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 1:43 pm 
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torque wrote:
that's what you do for people you love.


and

couroupita wrote:
Getting along with people you don't particularly like is kind of an essential skill to function in society!



Basically: find out how often you expect him to go with you to family functions, ask him how often he is cool with attending, and find the golden middle ground.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 3:10 pm 
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My boyfriend had said that we'd move together some time after he finished his BA. He did that so I asked about it and he again said "not yet". So I asked if he could be a bit more specific since he knows I really dislike my place and I had thought of moving out before but it felt weird to find something else if we were to move together again soon. Now he said "maybe in two years? After I finish my MA? I don't know". I said of course, I don't want to move in with him if he doesn't want to. I just feel really sad and don't know what to do now. Should I try to find a new place? But finding a cheap place for one is so difficult here. And how can I be sure that place would really end up being better? I just feel disappointed and stupid now.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 3:17 pm 
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Agreed with what others have said about being an adult and dealing with people we don't like and all that good stuff. Ficbot, I think your partner probably needs to learn how not to let these kinds of things get so stuck in the old craw. Especially not to the point where things are being taken out on you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 4:21 pm 
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ficbot wrote:
I have posted here before and never gotten much of a reply. Hoping for a little help this time :-) We had a huge fight this weekend about my mother and I am not sure what to do.

Two years ago, when we first started dating, we had a dinner at her apartment where she came on a little strong, asked him all sorts of prying questions and made him feel uncomfortable. We asked me to set some boundaries with her (for instance that he did not have to go to her house again but would come if it was out in public) and I did. I also talked to her about how he felt, and she has not done it again. But I guess his horrible ex's mother was similar (and is a distant acquaintance of my mother, although they are not friends) so he was gun-shy.

Since then, he has seen her less than a dozen times, but it has all been fine. She bought his son a birthday present. She drove him to Costco and let him use her card. He told me things were getting easier. Then this weekend he had a fight with his ex and blew up about it and made it about my mom. He said she is too similar to his ex's mother, that he does not like her personality and just does not want to be around her---ever. He asked me if she had to come when we get married. He asked me if I would feel comfortable cutting her out of my life for a year.

Once we had both calmed down a little, he apologized and took it all back, said he was under stress about his ex, was upset, that it would be ok etc. BUT...he still doesn't like her. I told him that had nothing to do with MY relationship with her and he agreed. I told him that *never* seeing her is simply not realistic. He agreed. But he also admitted he will likely always struggle with this and he is relieved that she is going to Florida next month for the winter so he won't have to worry about it. He has promised to revisit things when she comes home.

So...how big a deal should this be for me? We have been in therapy together to help him deal with the fallout from his divorce, and when we see the dr (he is out of town right now) I think he can help us negotiate some good guidelines here. I don't think I am asking for much since my family is not super-close and we don't get together a ton anyway. But I do think it's reasonable to ask him to suck it up sometimes, even for people he dislikes, to benefit me. I don't think it is fair that I compromise 100% of the time and he compromise 0% of the time. I am hoping that if we can work out a fair set of guidelines, he can just follow the plan and be fine, but is that unrealistic? Will I be spending the rest of my life fighting about this with him? Should this be a deal-breaker in an otherwise great partnership?

Fwiw my mother is in Florida for half the year. Of the six months she is here for two of them my step-brothers kids are away at camp so she does not do family dinners. So the amount of contact we are talking about here is maybe 1-2 dinners a month that I go to without him, the occassional dinner out which it would be nice if he came for, the family hanukkah party, which is the one event a year that the whole family comes for, and dinner out on my birthday, which is important to me. Maybe 1-2 times a year, relatives from out of town visit, and if he could come for desert that would be nice, but we can work up to that...


You need to make a huge deal out of this. JoPa referenced red flags but I am going to up the ante and call it signs of emotional abuse. You don't take a fight with an ex and make it about your current partner & their mother. You don't ask your partner to exclude her mother from her life and even not allow her to attend your wedding.

She's basically kind to him and he can't handle a few visits a year because of his issues with his ex's mother? How does that even make sense? How does he have such a profound dislike of her when he's seen her less than 12 times in 24 months? If your birthday and Hanukkah are important to you, someone who loves you would find a way to be a civilized adult about it.

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I don't think it is fair that I compromise 100% of the time and he compromise 0% of the time. I am hoping that if we can work out a fair set of guidelines, he can just follow the plan and be fine, but is that unrealistic? Will I be spending the rest of my life fighting about this with him? Should this be a deal-breaker in an otherwise great partnership?

It's not fair and it's not reasonable. It sounds like that unless he is willing to do some heavy lifting on his own in therapy, you are destined to have what you have now - fights about his ex's mother. That's an insane way to live.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 5:02 pm 
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VeganinBerlin wrote:
My boyfriend had said that we'd move together some time after he finished his BA. He did that so I asked about it and he again said "not yet". So I asked if he could be a bit more specific since he knows I really dislike my place and I had thought of moving out before but it felt weird to find something else if we were to move together again soon. Now he said "maybe in two years? After I finish my MA? I don't know". I said of course, I don't want to move in with him if he doesn't want to. I just feel really sad and don't know what to do now. Should I try to find a new place? But finding a cheap place for one is so difficult here. And how can I be sure that place would really end up being better? I just feel disappointed and stupid now.


I would not count on moving in with him. Figure out what you need to do for YOU. What would be better for you? A new place? Staying put? Can you stay put while you search for the perfect place for you?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 5:10 pm 
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ficbot wrote:
I don't think my family is such a huge part of my life that it has to end my relationship if this is truly the only issue. I think I just wanted reassurances from him that he would try...


Even if you were fine with never seeing your family again, I think this is really big red flag that shows that without major work, this man isn't going to be a good partner for you.

Here's my thought - adults in healthy relationships know two things (1) that feelings are not reality and (2) you need to communicate kindly and with compassion around your needs. Your guy has a feeling and he is demanding something pretty big from you, without any rational basis and then he does it in the middle of a fight, in a way that makes you feel like your relationship is going to end if you don't do what he wants.

I am glad he is getting therapy, because it does sound like he could use some help processing the anger he feels for his ex, rather than taking it out on you and also learning how to communicate with you in a way that is kind and not emotionally violent.

I think its incredibly immature and unkind to ask you not invite your mom to your wedding, because he doesn't like his ex's mother. I agree with Vantine that its an insane way to live - having your life controlled by your partner's irrational impulses, without him being able to see just how senseless they are.

The other red flag it sends up for me, is that people who are abusive, often isolate their partners. Even if you're not close to your family, they are still an important emotional resource and touchstone.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 5:14 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:

The other red flag it sends up for me, is that people who are abusive, often isolate their partners. Even if you're not close to your family, they are still an important emotional resource and touchstone.

Yeah, this is what went up for me. First it's your mom. Then maybe he doesn't like that one friend of yours. Then it's a question of how much time you're spending with friends, family, and coworkers, so you curtail that to keep peace in the home. All of a sudden you're isolated and if things escalate you could find yourself in a very bad place.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 6:15 pm 
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VeganinBerlin wrote:
My boyfriend had said that we'd move together some time after he finished his BA. He did that so I asked about it and he again said "not yet". So I asked if he could be a bit more specific since he knows I really dislike my place and I had thought of moving out before but it felt weird to find something else if we were to move together again soon. Now he said "maybe in two years? After I finish my MA? I don't know". I said of course, I don't want to move in with him if he doesn't want to. I just feel really sad and don't know what to do now. Should I try to find a new place? But finding a cheap place for one is so difficult here. And how can I be sure that place would really end up being better? I just feel disappointed and stupid now.

That is very disappointing, I feel for you. Personally I'd want some sort of understanding of why his plans on moving in together have changed so would be instigating that discussion if it were me.

Meanwhile I think you should try to find somewhere you like better and make yourself happier with the living situation you're in on your own. If you don't you may find yourself feeling resentful or bitter about not moving in together and that may start leeching in to how you feel about your relationship.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 10:59 pm 
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Hey Ficbot, everybody here has given you some great advice - I just had a little note to add about the biggest red flag that I see, which is that the ex is still able to control his behavior by picking fights, etc. Like others said, you can't live your life walking around on eggshells (not vegan!) because of what the ex might do. She has way too much control in this situation. It is affecting your relationship and needs to stop. He needs to work with his therapist so he can disengage from her bullshiitake. If he cannot disengage then DTMFA. Nothing good is going to happen until he works out the ex issues.

I don't think the issue with your Mom is the primary issue here. People don't like other people all the time and they manage to sit there and be polite. He is not the first one who had to sit at the holiday table with someone he doesn't care for. It is what you do when you are part of a family and you love each other. I would bet that once he works out the issues with his ex that the problem with your Mom will go away. That is awful that he would suggest that you choose between him and your Mom though and it's definitely a red flag to think about.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 1:39 am 
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rentaghost wrote:
VeganinBerlin wrote:
My boyfriend had said that we'd move together some time after he finished his BA. He did that so I asked about it and he again said "not yet". So I asked if he could be a bit more specific since he knows I really dislike my place and I had thought of moving out before but it felt weird to find something else if we were to move together again soon. Now he said "maybe in two years? After I finish my MA? I don't know". I said of course, I don't want to move in with him if he doesn't want to. I just feel really sad and don't know what to do now. Should I try to find a new place? But finding a cheap place for one is so difficult here. And how can I be sure that place would really end up being better? I just feel disappointed and stupid now.

That is very disappointing, I feel for you. Personally I'd want some sort of understanding of why his plans on moving in together have changed so would be instigating that discussion if it were me.

Meanwhile I think you should try to find somewhere you like better and make yourself happier with the living situation you're in on your own. If you don't you may find yourself feeling resentful or bitter about not moving in together and that may start leeching in to how you feel about your relationship.


I think, as far as I understood him, that nothing really changed. His opinion was "I want to move in with you, but not now" and it still is. Maybe he thought he'd be ready by now but isn't? Which is okay, really. It just means his "2 years" idea is just as vague and can be changed again as well.
The reasons I'm unsure about moving are
a) I don't have much money and it's very difficult to find a 1-room-apartment in Berlin that isn't expensive nowadays (and I really can't imagine living with friends or strangers again, I had really bad experiences). It was already difficult when I moved here and it's become more difficult because so many people move to Berlin who are willing & able to pay more.
b) I live 15 minutes away from my boyfriend now and I sleep there probably half of the time. That annoys me, too. Not staying there, I really like being with him, but not feeling quite at home at my home OR his home. But if I move somewhere else in the city I'd probably see him a lot less.

Quote:
I would not count on moving in with him. Figure out what you need to do for YOU. What would be better for you? A new place? Staying put? Can you stay put while you search for the perfect place for you?

Thanks. Maybe I'll just try to keep my eyes open. This was I definitely have a place to stay even if I (which is likely) can't find anything in my price range.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 2:32 am 
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VeganinBerlin: Have you tried telling him that moving in together is something that YOU actually want to do, and pretty soon?
When I started talking to my boyfriend about moving in together a few months back, he seemed like that was FAR from happening for him. I actually felt a little hurt and confused and was silently trying to find out if it was a deal breaker for me that he seemed so sure that he wasn't ready. Then a few weeks after we had a serious talk about it, he basically came and said "now I've been thinking about it, and I can totally see why it would be awesome to live together; we'll save on rent, we won't have fights about who has to bike to the other person's place when we're tired, we can wake up together every day..." - He told me that for him, it was a matter of spending a few weeks figuring out how it felt for him without me sitting and waiting for an answer.

For me, I feel very strongly that it's important to be able to have heart-to-heart conversations and serious discussions about what is going to happen in the relationship. Can you sit down and have a serious talk with him about it? Say something like "You know I am not very happy with my living situation, and I was kind of expecting that we would be quite a lot closer to moving in together after what you said about your BA, and I just need to check in and see where we are, because I am ready to move in together and for me it would be the best solution, but obviously you'd have to feel like it was an awesome thing to do as well. So maybe if you think about it for a few weeks and then we can talk about it again, and maybe put a more serious time frame on to things? Because if I am not moving in with you pretty soon, I will invest my time and energy into finding a new place and making myself comfortable in a different setting".


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:18 am 
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VeganinBerlin wrote:
I live 15 minutes away from my boyfriend now and I sleep there probably half of the time.

Does he ever sleep at your place? If not it seems to me he has it pretty good right now, he has the best of both worlds with this arrangement - time with you (in his space) and time by himself. And you do all the travelling. I realise it may be because your place is not suitable for the two of you but I can't help thinking if he was doing half the staying over at your place he might see things a little differently.

(I don't know much about higher education but with the time frames being related to BAs and MAs could it be something to do with his perception of needing time by himself to study?)

It certainly can't hurt to look for a better place you can afford since there is no time pressure on you to move out of where you are now.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:30 am 
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VeganinBerlin wrote:
My boyfriend had said that we'd move together some time after he finished his BA. He did that so I asked about it and he again said "not yet". So I asked if he could be a bit more specific since he knows I really dislike my place and I had thought of moving out before but it felt weird to find something else if we were to move together again soon. Now he said "maybe in two years? After I finish my MA? I don't know". I said of course, I don't want to move in with him if he doesn't want to. I just feel really sad and don't know what to do now. Should I try to find a new place? But finding a cheap place for one is so difficult here. And how can I be sure that place would really end up being better? I just feel disappointed and stupid now.


I'm sorry you're in this situation, it must suck. Personally, I would try to understand why he doesn't feel like moving in with you. I haven't been in this situation; the 2 feelings I have experienced with regards to moving in with a partner were "this relationship is still too young, let's wait until we grow into it a bit more" and "Man I'm so done not living with you". But you guys have been together for a long time, what is missing so that he could feel ready? The 3rd option I could see myself feeling would be "Nope, things are comfortable the way they are and I don't see what could be improved by moving in", which I am afraid might be what your partner is feeling. You have been together for several years, what else could he really need to learn about you and your relationship to feel ready?

I also definitely agree with Smoothie's suggestion to be more assertive about your wants & needs. Of course you don't want to strongarm him into doing something he doesn't want, but you are entitled to having your emotional needs met, or at least know where you stand and not have to wait around for him indefinitely.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:51 am 
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I hope I'm not a jerk if I'm posting about happy relationship stuff when others in the thread are having a hard time?
It's our 6 year anniversarish this week, and things are great. Wedding planning coming along. We got sized for rings last Saturday.

Now that both our lives and careers have gained stability over the last couple of years, we've been doing this thing which I really enjoy. Every 2-3 months, we set up a dinner or lunch date to talk and brainstorm about our mid- and long-term goals. We're both introverts so that would usually be something we think about alone, but we are really on the same wave length now and it is so helpful. We talk about anything from athletic goals to dog training ideas to career development goals to skills we want to learn to whether we want to move again and where and when. And then we offer ideas about how the other might do better at getting there and how we can support each other in our endeavors. It's like being with someone who is your team mate, your coach and your number one fan at the same time. It's awesome.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:55 am 
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aelle wrote:
It's like being with someone who is your team mate, your coach and your number one fan at the same time. It's awesome.

Awesome indeed! It's great to read about the good stuff too.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:11 am 
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The good stuff is definitely good to read about. What a great lunch date, aelle! That kind of easy brainstorming+support sounds really wonderful.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 7:09 am 
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Mispronounces Daiya
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VeganinBerlin: Have you tried telling him that moving in together is something that YOU actually want to do, and pretty soon?
I have. We've been together for 3 1/2 years now and I felt ready to move in with him after a year or so. We've talked about it a lot and he says he needs his own space and time. Which is... a bit shitty for me, because that's one of the reasons i WANT to move in with him. It drives me nuts always going back and forth between the places, having him send me home when he feels he needs to be on his own, and when I'm at his place there is no place that is my own because there's only his room. He acknowledges how I feel but thinks it would be bad for our relationship at this point.

rentaghost wrote:
VeganinBerlin wrote:
I live 15 minutes away from my boyfriend now and I sleep there probably half of the time.

Does he ever sleep at your place? If not it seems to me he has it pretty good right now, he has the best of both worlds with this arrangement - time with you (in his space) and time by himself. And you do all the travelling. I realise it may be because your place is not suitable for the two of you but I can't help thinking if he was doing half the staying over at your place he might see things a little differently.

(I don't know much about higher education but with the time frames being related to BAs and MAs could it be something to do with his perception of needing time by himself to study?)

It certainly can't hurt to look for a better place you can afford since there is no time pressure on you to move out of where you are now.

He never sleeps at my place, accept for a few times (like when I had a freak out at home and he doesn't want to leave my on my own, etc, but not just like that). He says he can't sleep in the bed. When I'm at his place he sleeps on a guestbed because he can't sleep properly with me in one bed.

I agree that if it was the other way round he'd feel differently. But I can hardly just "make it so".

I don't think it has something to do with studying. He (we) studies philosophy and he doesn't study. He only needs to write a paper now and then. I think it has more to do with him thinking he'd change a bit when the time comes.

Quote:
"Nope, things are comfortable the way they are and I don't see what could be improved by moving in", which I am afraid might be what your partner is feeling.
yes, he actually said that. I get it, I'd probably feel the same way if it was the other way round.

Aelle, that sounds like an awesome thing to do.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:49 am 
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WELFARIST!
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ViB, I feel for you. I'm going to have to have this discussion with my dude in another month or so. My lease is up in January, and it has to renew for another full year instead of going month to month. We'll have been together 9 months at that point. I'm almost positive that he's not ready to move in together. He's never lived with anyone he's dated and is very used to having his own space and time alone. Occasionally, the topic comes up casually and I try to let him know that the best part of living with someone (for me, anyway) is that you're in the same space, but you don't have to actually hang out together all the time. It's important for me to have my own space as well, and he has a guest bedroom where I can set up shop if need be. I think that he thinks that living together means being together 100% of the time, but that isn't the case. Is that maybe what your boyfriend is thinking? Perhaps you can try to explain that just because you'll be living together doesn't mean you can't have separate spaces for when you want to be alone. If you were going to move to a new place together, you could look for somewhere that meets those needs, like a 2 bedroom apartment so that you could be alone when you wanted to be.

As for my situation, I'm probably just going to have to accept that I won't be moving in with him this year. I've said before, he's new to this whole long term serious relationship stuff, so things are going slowly. Which is probably for the best for me. I tend to move really fast without thinking, and this is giving me plenty of opportunity to think. It sucks paying for an apartment that I'm almost never at (his place is just infinitely more comfortable in one million ways), but that's better than rushing into living with him and then realizing he really wasn't ready when it's too late. And aside from all the emotional stuff (the slowest going of all of the things), there's the practical things - my cats, his dog that's never been around cats, the fact that we both have all the stuff that adults have and would both have to get rid of things (like big important furniture things) to move in together...stuff that would probably work itself out in the wash, but is still stuff that needs to be dealt with.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:01 am 
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Congratulations, aelle! It is lovely to have that feeling of being with someone who is 100% your partner. Please don't feel like you can't share--I hope to feel that way with someone again, I know, so it's nice to hear about!

allularpunk: That stinks! Being practical stinks! I'm just saying that because I'm dreading having to cover the rent on my own, but I also don't want to move in with someone because I have too much stuff, and I don't want someone to move in with me necessarily because I don't like people. Otherwise I think it sounds like you two have a pretty good set up. I'm all for having my own space. That's just me though, and I think I'm pretty affected by being an only child/youngest--I don't share well!

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