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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:13 am 
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Dr Bronners, MD
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ndpittman wrote:
Otherwise I think it sounds like you two have a pretty good set up. I'm all for having my own space. That's just me though, and I think I'm pretty affected by being an only child/youngest--I don't share well!


Samesies. I'm the youngest, he's an only child. Sharing is...difficult. And we both want our way to be the way. It's just going to take some time. I love living alone because I get to have all my stuff, and he's the same way + all the space to be a grumpus in that he needs. We're both learning patience at the moment. I'm learning to be patient with his slowpoke emotions and he's learning (hopefully) to be patient with...all the stuff that happens in a relationship that involves feelings.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:33 am 
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I like your attitude allularpunk. Sounds like being aware of "all" (a lot) of the issues involved + being gentle/easy with yourselves is working out. (That means, I think, no unrealistic expectations, and knowing that important stuff takes time.) I still hope the rest of it goes so smoothly for you. Bummer that you can't renew your lease on a month-to-month basis. Is it worth it to stay there (as opposed to finding another place, since moving in with your dude might not be in the cards just yet)?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:44 am 
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When Nate and I moved in together I had never lived with a boyfriend before, I was super hesitant and really slow moving with the relationship in general. We had been together for 15 months I think when I moved in with him. When he first brought it up I basically said hell no, then a couple weeks went by and I had time to think and decided that something needed to happen to move our relationship forward. I decided to sublet my apartment to nates roommate and I moved in with him. It worked out well for both of us, if things didn't go well for Nate and I, his roommate could just go back and I could have my apartment. Maybe that is something you could think about allular, maybe you could try subletting your place and try living together and see how things go. You could also sublet it furnished so you don't have to deal with the getting rid of stuff.

On a happy note, Nate and I started dating 7 years ago, now we are two plus years into our marriage and have a great little kid!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 11:06 am 
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lutin wrote:
I like your attitude allularpunk. Sounds like being aware of "all" (a lot) of the issues involved + being gentle/easy with yourselves is working out. (That means, I think, no unrealistic expectations, and knowing that important stuff takes time.) I still hope the rest of it goes so smoothly for you. Bummer that you can't renew your lease on a month-to-month basis. Is it worth it to stay there (as opposed to finding another place, since moving in with your dude might not be in the cards just yet)?


I've done some looking around and I really haven't seen anything that is in a location that is as good or better than the one I'm in at a price that I can afford. The rent at my place is a bit exorbitant, but the only utility I pay is electric, it's got central heat, the building is locked, and things get fixed within a day or so of reporting them. Plus I do love my little place, it has loads of windows and thus, light. I miss only paying half the rent sometimes, because it makes it (duh) so much easier to save money. But, it will definitely do until we're ready for the big move-in.

littlebear wrote:
When Nate and I moved in together I had never lived with a boyfriend before, I was super hesitant and really slow moving with the relationship in general. We had been together for 15 months I think when I moved in with him. When he first brought it up I basically said hell no, then a couple weeks went by and I had time to think and decided that something needed to happen to move our relationship forward. I decided to sublet my apartment to nates roommate and I moved in with him. It worked out well for both of us, if things didn't go well for Nate and I, his roommate could just go back and I could have my apartment. Maybe that is something you could think about allular, maybe you could try subletting your place and try living together and see how things go. You could also sublet it furnished so you don't have to deal with the getting rid of stuff.

On a happy note, Nate and I started dating 7 years ago, now we are two plus years into our marriage and have a great little kid!


I'm 99% positive (though I'd have to check) that my lease says I can't sublet, but that would be something to look into if we needed a trial period. Congrats on your awesome 9 years of being together!

T said something a couple of weeks ago that made me think that his views on living together are vastly different than mine. He was talking about one of his friends possibly moving in with her boyfriend, and how he thinks that they shouldn't because 'it's not like they're getting married!' I was like, 'Moving in together doesn't mean you're getting married! People move in together without having plans for marriage all the time.' On the one hand, I think it's sweet that he equates moving in to be an actual big step in a relationship, one that possibly leads towards marriage, and therefore doesn't want to make that decision lightly. On the other hand...will I have to wait for him to be ready to marry me before we move in together? Because that could be, like, years and years and years, considering both our views on marriage. Just another thing for us to talk about someday.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:54 pm 
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I had never lived with anyone, I was an only child and 5 months after dating (long distance), I moved in with my husband. There were a variety of factors like I was still carrying a mortgage and wasn't sure how well my place would rent and his parents didn't live too far away and he was living there at the time so if he had to move back, it wouldn't be that difficult. My "escape plan" would've been just to move to Colorado. There were some bumps in the beginning but overall it was enjoyable.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 5:03 pm 
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aelle wrote:
I hope I'm not a jerk if I'm posting about happy relationship stuff when others in the thread are having a hard time?
It's our 6 year anniversarish this week, and things are great. Wedding planning coming along. We got sized for rings last Saturday.


Congrats! I just got married last week. We had surprisingly little drama for all the stress that weddings come with. It ended up being about planning the million things and staying up late each night. Everyone asked if we were nervous, but there was never time to stop and reflect on anything.

Finding a vegan suit can be tough. I'd look into that early if you're doing a vegan wedding. We actually gave up on finding vegan rentals for the groomsmen. I ended up buying a suit from Perry Ellis (they do a lot of vegan clothing for some reason). Good luck!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 4:18 pm 
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So, for the time being, my boyfriend said he'd try to stay over more often at my place starting tomorrow.At least maybe he realizes how stressful this stuff is.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 4:26 pm 
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VeganinBerlin wrote:
So, for the time being, my boyfriend said he'd try to stay over more often at my place starting tomorrow.At least maybe he realizes how stressful this stuff is.



It's at least a move to compromise and that is always good.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 4:55 pm 
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Wow, rock on VeganinBerlin. I'm so happy you had that conversation, and so happy to hear that he's going to try to make 'at home' time more equally divided between your places.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 5:00 pm 
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Thank you guys, your comments were really helpful. I do tend to have trouble with really saying what I need instead of just vaguely complaining to him.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 1:17 pm 
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NatureBoy and I had an epic skype talk a few nights ago (4.5 hours!), half of which was about sexytimes, half of which was trying to explain the way I'm vegan/substance-free (like, how it works practically in shared spaces or when visiting friends or at social events and all of that) because he wants to make sure he doesn't put me in the middle of an uncomfortable situation, and that is rad. Tonight we had a brief follow-up (because I am sick) and it started with a couple of minutes of "I like you because" and ended with "and that's why I'm not worried at all, and I don't think you should be, either" which is great (because I'm not; and his "I like you because"es were 100% reciprocated).

I am kinda impressed by how good we are at talking things out. Sometimes still puzzled because I don't quite get the angle he's asking from (so, during the epic skype, I thought that most of his questions were about how sharing a kitchen and friend time would work for the two of us were we to actually live together, but no, he's thinking more short-term socialization with his friends and family), but mostly we figure it out and I feel remarkably adult for being able to do so, and every time we do talk, I like him a lot more. Win-win.

VeganinBerlin: I am so happy you talked to your dude! And so happy we could help give you the confidence to do so.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 1:34 pm 
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(I try not to post alllllllll the time about this, but it's hard. It's exciting for me to be in a relationship again, or like, ever. Mostly I am happy to be alone and it's a nice surprise how well this is working out, esp. considering how many "details" I forgot about relationships in general (my previous one ended 3 years ago, and there was a 5 year gap between the previous and previously previous one, etc). Which means, thanks for letting me share.)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 2:13 pm 
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Lutin, I love hearing about new, exciting happy relationships like you and Nature Boy!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 2:18 pm 
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Lutin, gush away! I come here to vomit rainbows because I think my friends are sick of me swooning for the past half a year.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 2:36 pm 
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Awww! I am so happy for you both! Yay for happy new relationship times! And happy wedding planning aelle and Wally!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 2:36 pm 
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Lutin, I'm so happy for you!

The living together is working out really well so far. I'm really enjoying waking up to my boyfriend every morning and drinking coffee in the same room, even if we're doing other stuff while drinking morning coffee. And the apartment is coming together nicely. I can't wait for his tour to be over, though - he's gone during most of the weekend, but it's over in a few weeks! It will be great to spend more time together. I can't seem to get enough of his company! I really really like how we can spend hours doing our own thing, and then we can spend hours talking or joking or cuddling on the tiny couch watching a tv show. It's great.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 2:50 pm 
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Pretty sure that's one of the bests part of relationshipping, smoothie: Rocking out together doing your own thing, and also rocking out together doing your together thing. I'm so happy you're moving in (and designing stuff!), and even happier that you'll have actual together time pretty soon.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 10:09 pm 
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so happy to hear of all these amazing relationships that're working out so well!

things haven't been working out so well between my landlord and i. the relationship is that of bad-tenant, responsible-landlord only the roles are reversed.... anyway, i'm sick of her crazy parties next door-- among other things-- so i'm moving out earlier than i'd intended. i loathe to use the southern saying, "blessing in disguise," but my bf have been tossing around the idea of moving in together. we've talked about it some more due to recent events and i think we're going to do it. we've been together for almost a year, which isn't very long, but it's also been amazingly smooth and lovely; basically no hiccups in the road other than my physical distance-- i live an hour away. so i have 4 months to find a job in the city and a place for us to move in to and i think that's do-able.


Last edited by chouettes crêpes on Sat Oct 26, 2013 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 10:12 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 9:00 am 
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I feel bad for making my husband feel bad. Whenever we are doing something physical and I'm struggling, my husband tells me that he is going to send me back to Crossfit. Last time was a couple weeks ago when we were trying to install a new microwave oven. In the end, we hired someone to help us and it still took the 3 of us to install it although it did tweak my shoulder for a couple days after we tried ourselves. Anyway, he said something supportive the other day but it reminded me of the Crossfit comment that bothers me because it seems to highlight that I am not in the shape that I was a couple years ago (regardless of any workout routine). Then I told him yesterday that the comment bothered me, he said he was sorry, twice throughout the day. He said he knows I like being strong so he wants that for me and didn't mean it as a way to say that I was out of shape. It was good to talk about it though.

Also, my husband had been nitpicking me for a few weeks prior and he said he is trying not to. I'm not sure what the deal was but he is being better. I'm not infallible but I don't like being nagged and about silly stuff. He has been really supportive lately.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 10:31 am 
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The last few days with S have been frustrating. We have a tendency to tease each other and since we're long-distance, a lot of our conversation is text based, so it's hard to tell when the other person is serious or joking (due to the style of humor we both have). So I tell him to knock it off and I get teasing comments back, but they feel rather demeaning. I do need to have a conversation about how we do communicate when we're hurt/really not wanting to talk about something (ie, I'm frustrated because he was teasing me about cheese and it kind of devolved from there and when I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, he said something else before backing off. Cheese. I know. And then was like 'someone needs a nap!' Which I didn't, I just was super annoyed at him for not realizing that I was hurt and frustrated because of what he was saying.

I don't even know. I think we just need a way to tap out and say that's not something that's ok to joke about and remind him that he can't tell me things like that because they're demeaning.

On the plus side, we've got pretty solid dates for me to fly out and see him in January! Yay!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:08 am 
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lillianp wrote:
The last few days with S have been frustrating. We have a tendency to tease each other and since we're long-distance, a lot of our conversation is text based, so it's hard to tell when the other person is serious or joking (due to the style of humor we both have). So I tell him to knock it off and I get teasing comments back, but they feel rather demeaning. I do need to have a conversation about how we do communicate when we're hurt/really not wanting to talk about something (ie, I'm frustrated because he was teasing me about cheese and it kind of devolved from there and when I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, he said something else before backing off. Cheese. I know. And then was like 'someone needs a nap!' Which I didn't, I just was super annoyed at him for not realizing that I was hurt and frustrated because of what he was saying.

I don't even know. I think we just need a way to tap out and say that's not something that's ok to joke about and remind him that he can't tell me things like that because they're demeaning.

On the plus side, we've got pretty solid dates for me to fly out and see him in January! Yay!

In my last relationship we had a "conversational safeword" which was brilliant as we both liked to tease and joke around and it's easy to miss when it's gone too far for the other person. And because it was long-distance for the first half it was easy to run into the same issue you mention.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:21 pm 
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smoothie wrote:
Lutin, I'm so happy for you!

The living together is working out really well so far. I'm really enjoying waking up to my boyfriend every morning and drinking coffee in the same room, even if we're doing other stuff while drinking morning coffee. And the apartment is coming together nicely. I can't wait for his tour to be over, though - he's gone during most of the weekend, but it's over in a few weeks! It will be great to spend more time together. I can't seem to get enough of his company! I really really like how we can spend hours doing our own thing, and then we can spend hours talking or joking or cuddling on the tiny couch watching a tv show. It's great.


That sounds perfect! My boyfriend and I have been talking about moving in together for ages, and have decided on next summer, and this is exactly what I'm looking forward to most - being able to do everyday stuff whilst still spending time together. Your setup sounds downright dreamy.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:37 pm 
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j-dub wrote:
lillianp wrote:
The last few days with S have been frustrating. We have a tendency to tease each other and since we're long-distance, a lot of our conversation is text based, so it's hard to tell when the other person is serious or joking (due to the style of humor we both have). So I tell him to knock it off and I get teasing comments back, but they feel rather demeaning. I do need to have a conversation about how we do communicate when we're hurt/really not wanting to talk about something (ie, I'm frustrated because he was teasing me about cheese and it kind of devolved from there and when I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, he said something else before backing off. Cheese. I know. And then was like 'someone needs a nap!' Which I didn't, I just was super annoyed at him for not realizing that I was hurt and frustrated because of what he was saying.

I don't even know. I think we just need a way to tap out and say that's not something that's ok to joke about and remind him that he can't tell me things like that because they're demeaning.

On the plus side, we've got pretty solid dates for me to fly out and see him in January! Yay!

In my last relationship we had a "conversational safeword" which was brilliant as we both liked to tease and joke around and it's easy to miss when it's gone too far for the other person. And because it was long-distance for the first half it was easy to run into the same issue you mention.

Oh, that's a really good idea!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 8:05 pm 
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My boyfriend has been so supportive lately while I've been in a bit of a meltdown/spiral. I've been really unhappy at work and just got diagnosed with PCOS, which freaked me out, and this morning he went out to get my painkillers and Sprite when I wasn't feeling well; I just feel so happy in my relationship right now. I'm looking at a job 2.5 hours away and he was saying that the only reason he wasn't looking for work (he's a student right now, graduating in May) outside of our area was because he thought I wanted to stay in the city. He's encouraging me to apply and showing me all the job postings for his line of work around there. I feel like we are mutually supportive and encouraging, and it feels really great.

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