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Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
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Author:  joyfulgirl [ Mon Jan 07, 2013 2:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

linanil wrote:
Olives wrote:
SD, what a asparagus. Making fun of people for not having enough money is so mean, inappropriate and childish (fork, it's inappropriate if you are a child.) What a jerk.

Well its not even having not enough money, some people want to spend money on expensive brands, go for it, I don't care. Many people aren't willing to do that and if someone gives them crepe about them, they are a crappy person.

True, I shop at thrift stores primarily because it's cheap. I can afford to buy new stuff, but I don't think it's worth spending money on. I also have a terrible sense of style so I'm gonna look like a mess no matter what, but that's beside the point.

Author:  monkeytoes [ Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

SD, that sucks. But, yeah, was he really such a great guy if he'd get drunk and say rotten things to you and make fun of your clothes? Changing personality when drinking is a red flag all by itself (most of us have parts of our personalities that are amplified by intoxication, but if an otherwise nice person is a mean drunk, it could be a sign of a problem.) You have to believe that it's not you that was the problem; you deserve someone who will be awesome to you!

Author:  Arisaig [ Mon Jan 07, 2013 7:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Wow, S_L, that's brutal. He had a week to mull this "thought" over but then just springs it on you? Not nice at all. I hope you can work it through a bit in your head while you are away.

Author:  Arisaig [ Mon Jan 07, 2013 7:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Wow, S_L, that's brutal. He had a week to mull this "thought" over but then just springs it on you? Not nice at all. I hope you can work it through a bit in your head while you are away.

Author:  Simply_Love [ Mon Jan 07, 2013 10:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Thanks guys <3

I'm just having such a hard time rationalizing this quick change. I just don't get it, and I know emotions aren't easy to under stand, but I really just don't get going from loving someone to feeling nothing at all for them virtually over night. When when we were talking he was like well I talked to my friends and they said if I was having doubts, that I should just end it. Our only actual fight we ever had went much the same way. He wasn't sure how he was feeling, so he talked to them, and basically went with what they thought. So part of me feels like he hadn't initially jumped to "we need to break up" on his own, they were the ones who suggested it. I realize I'm likely just trying to convince myself he really does still feel something for me, and I know that's not healthy and thinking things like this is just going to make it harder. It just kills me though because I've had doubts at times too (that's what our fight was about, me telling him how I was feeling and what I needed to make it work--note: it wasn't really a fight as him feeling like I was just highlighting the reasons we weren't working and so he said he needed some time to think about things), but I would talk to him about what was bothering me or how I was feeling to work through it. I just wish he had been willing to try to work through his doubts, instead of just instantly jumping to "oh, I must not care about her anymore and we should break up." I tried for him, but it doesn't feel like he tried for me.

I'm home now, and I'm really glad I'm not at my apartment, because I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying these things to him, and I don't think right now (even if there was some truth to it) he'd be willing to listen, which would just make me feel worse.

I know I need to just accept he doesn't want this anymore, but I just can't until I know for certain that he is actually feeling this way. I've decided to stay home probably through the weekend, so next Sunday when I get back if I still feel this way, I'll talk to him about it. If nothing else he'll just reinforce he doesn't feel for me anymore and I'll just let the (ridiculous and more than slightly pathetic) hope of possibly still being able to make this work go.

And ScooterDiva: Sounds like you had a shitty weekened too :( Lots of hugs to you as well.

Author:  ilovemountains [ Tue Jan 08, 2013 5:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Ugh. I hate that I need this thread. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11.5 years, since we were 21 and 22. We have lived together the whole time, from day one. Things have been rough lately, lots of fighting, yelling, being mean, lots of taking advantage of each other always being there, little appreciation of each other.

It's also been a really tough year for my family. My older brother came to live with us last fall (I live across the country) and the experience was not a positive one, largely due to his addictions (he's moved back now). My younger brother died suddenly and unexpectedly in June, ten days after the death of my grandfather, sending my "rock" of a mother into a horrible depression and she has been unable to work. She is now losing her house and has nowhere to live, broke a vertebrae a couple months ago, which led to tests that show she may have a horrible disease. She's waiting for results now to see if she has multiple myeloma. She also had a really sad falling out with part of her family related to her going to stay with her mother and it's really hard for me (and her obviously) to deal with. My youngest brother already suffered from anxiety and basically lived in his bedroom at my mom's house before our brother's death, he is even worse now. And my poor, old, special, first dog lost her eye to cancer this year and has multiple lumps all over her now.

But those aren't my current, pressing issues. I've dealt with all those things alright, except for my mom's potential fatal illness, which is happening right now. I don't think I can blame any of those bad events on the sad state of my relationship right now.

So after much soul searching, many discussions and contemplations, I finally decided I wanted to have a kid and get married, which I expressed to my boyfriend about four days ago. This apparently freaked him out (he didn't tell me for a couple days, was just cold and distant). We were already not getting along so great at the time, but I still love him and want to work on improving our relationship. I didn't mean I was ready to do either ASAP or anything. There's never been any real doubt in my mind that I want to be with him forever. He's since told me that he isn't sure if he wants to be with me anymore and is trying to figure it out. We currently have a weird life situation going on where we have a second home we can stay at when we want to, which has been kind of a hassle up until now, but now he wants us to live separately for a period of time. He just decided today that he thought we should give our relationship another chance, partly due to me practically begging like a pathetic sap, so this is a very fresh situation. I'm sort of okay with the taking a break from living together, as both places are pretty close and in our entire life together, we have never lived at separate places, so this might be a positive experience. We work together (home business) and spend more time together than most people I know.

I have become way too dependent on this relationship and don't have enough else going on in my life. I don't have a lot of friends, basically none we don't know mutually. 'm scared to death and have spent a lot of time crying over the past few days. I recently decided to go back to school at a community college (I've already graduated twice) and have registered for classes, so that's good, but I really never actually expected this to happen. I've never been dumped. And this is a big, huge mega dump for my first one. I grew up with this man. I hope we can fix things, but I am not terribly confident.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for starting this thread and giving me a place to vent. I haven't told anyone about this, although he has apparently (sore spot). I'm hurt, scared, sad, mad, and embarrassed. I'm sorry if this story was convoluted and I'm sorry for all having relationship troubles. <3

Author:  fetalexplosion [ Tue Jan 08, 2013 12:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

linanil wrote:
Olives wrote:
SD, what a asparagus. Making fun of people for not having enough money is so mean, inappropriate and childish (fork, it's inappropriate if you are a child.) What a jerk.

Well its not even having not enough money, some people want to spend money on expensive brands, go for it, I don't care. Many people aren't willing to do that and if someone gives them crepe about them, they are a crappy person.


It kind of sounds like he's just picking out little things to be a dick about so he can pretend that there's something wrong with you so he doesn't feel so bad about himself when he forks around in Vegas. Maybe that's realllly cynical but that's what I thought when I read it.

Author:  kimba [ Tue Jan 08, 2013 1:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Oh, gosh, mountains, that sounds awful.

Author:  Chicki [ Tue Jan 08, 2013 1:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

ilovemountains wrote:
Ugh. I hate that I need this thread. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11.5 years, since we were 21 and 22. We have lived together the whole time, from day one. Things have been rough lately, lots of fighting, yelling, being mean, lots of taking advantage of each other always being there, little appreciation of each other.

It's also been a really tough year for my family. My older brother came to live with us last fall (I live across the country) and the experience was not a positive one, largely due to his addictions (he's moved back now). My younger brother died suddenly and unexpectedly in June, ten days after the death of my grandfather, sending my "rock" of a mother into a horrible depression and she has been unable to work. She is now losing her house and has nowhere to live, broke a vertebrae a couple months ago, which led to tests that show she may have a horrible disease. She's waiting for results now to see if she has multiple myeloma. She also had a really sad falling out with part of her family related to her going to stay with her mother and it's really hard for me (and her obviously) to deal with. My youngest brother already suffered from anxiety and basically lived in his bedroom at my mom's house before our brother's death, he is even worse now. And my poor, old, special, first dog lost her eye to cancer this year and has multiple lumps all over her now.

But those aren't my current, pressing issues. I've dealt with all those things alright, except for my mom's potential fatal illness, which is happening right now. I don't think I can blame any of those bad events on the sad state of my relationship right now.

So after much soul searching, many discussions and contemplations, I finally decided I wanted to have a kid and get married, which I expressed to my boyfriend about four days ago. This apparently freaked him out (he didn't tell me for a couple days, was just cold and distant). We were already not getting along so great at the time, but I still love him and want to work on improving our relationship. I didn't mean I was ready to do either ASAP or anything. There's never been any real doubt in my mind that I want to be with him forever. He's since told me that he isn't sure if he wants to be with me anymore and is trying to figure it out. We currently have a weird life situation going on where we have a second home we can stay at when we want to, which has been kind of a hassle up until now, but now he wants us to live separately for a period of time. He just decided today that he thought we should give our relationship another chance, partly due to me practically begging like a pathetic sap, so this is a very fresh situation. I'm sort of okay with the taking a break from living together, as both places are pretty close and in our entire life together, we have never lived at separate places, so this might be a positive experience. We work together (home business) and spend more time together than most people I know.

I have become way too dependent on this relationship and don't have enough else going on in my life. I don't have a lot of friends, basically none we don't know mutually. 'm scared to death and have spent a lot of time crying over the past few days. I recently decided to go back to school at a community college (I've already graduated twice) and have registered for classes, so that's good, but I really never actually expected this to happen. I've never been dumped. And this is a big, huge mega dump for my first one. I grew up with this man. I hope we can fix things, but I am not terribly confident.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for starting this thread and giving me a place to vent. I haven't told anyone about this, although he has apparently (sore spot). I'm hurt, scared, sad, mad, and embarrassed. I'm sorry if this story was convoluted and I'm sorry for all having relationship troubles. <3


Gosh, that is really terrible, hugs for you.

I have been with my partner for 10 years now, and the hardest times in our relationship were the times surrounding the deaths of our parents. (my dad, then my mom, then his mom couple of years later, then his dad 2 years ago). Huge life changing events can put a TERRIBLE strain on relationships. We came close to breaking up a few times....All I can advise is to TRY and get through it if you can. If you guys can make it through that stuff, it will make your relationship stronger. But if you can't, you have to realize that there were alot of stressful factors that contributed to the delcine of the relationship. Lots of extraneous stress going on right now, and none of that can be helped, by either of you.

I hope you guys make it through it.

Author:  ScooterDiva [ Tue Jan 08, 2013 1:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Thanks all so much for your advice. Many hugs to the rest of the people having a difficult time right now.

We talked things out yesterday when I took him to the airport; there's still a lot of talking left to do, but he realizes that he hasn't been treating me nice at all and he apologized. This is his first time traveling for work, not that it's an excuse, but it's put him under more stress than normal.

fetalexplosion, that's immediately what I think about anyone I'm dating - that their ultimate is to cheat eventually. With him it's different, though. I really do trust him and if he cheated, I would know. I know in my heart that he wouldn't do that to me, and there's not many guys I could say that about.

Author:  joyfulgirl [ Tue Jan 08, 2013 2:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Oh my gosh, mountains. You've had a truly awful year. I hope you guys can work through this rough spot. If possible, could you maybe go to counseling together?

Author:  Morgyn [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 7:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

I love this thread! I am all relationship smiles (ranging to ear-splitting grins...) at the moment, but I like to overanalyse, so I'm sure I'll be in here a lot.

I'm in a long-distance relationship, relatively recently engaged (and engaged young), and like missdelaney, I had no idea before I met my fiancé that relationships were supposed to be this awesome.

Hugs and support to all those having problems at the moment!

Author:  torque [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 9:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

i am so frustrated right now i don't know what to say. There should be an index where i record how many times i realistically talk about/yearn for divorce. Like the UV index. Today we're at about a 500.

I went to FC's school today to talk to the coordinator about how she could get some time off to come with me to the US for a few weeks this year. I was confronted with the fact that my spouse has neglected to pay her tuition FOR THE LAST SEVEN MONTHS. They apparently sent us letters that never came (our neighbors always stole our mail, and it was our old address), sent a lawyer out to talk to us (again, to the old address)..... never thought to call, apparently.
So I call to tell Mr T about this development and he immediately starts shouting about how he doesn't know where the money is and the school is so expensive and why don't you just take her out and put her in the public (which i tried but there are no spots). Where has the money gone? Where is the money I work so hard for? What the forking hell.
i immediately offered to cut his expenses significantly by removing myself and my child from his life, but that won't work, apparently.
fork my forking life. i have NEVER been so embarrassed in my life.

Author:  smoothie [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

torque wrote:
i am so frustrated right now i don't know what to say. There should be an index where i record how many times i realistically talk about/yearn for divorce. Like the UV index. Today we're at about a 500.

I went to FC's school today to talk to the coordinator about how she could get some time off to come with me to the US for a few weeks this year. I was confronted with the fact that my spouse has neglected to pay her tuition FOR THE LAST SEVEN MONTHS. They apparently sent us letters that never came (our neighbors always stole our mail, and it was our old address), sent a lawyer out to talk to us (again, to the old address)..... never thought to call, apparently.
So I call to tell Mr T about this development and he immediately starts shouting about how he doesn't know where the money is and the school is so expensive and why don't you just take her out and put her in the public (which i tried but there are no spots). Where has the money gone? Where is the money I work so hard for? What the forking hell.
i immediately offered to cut his expenses significantly by removing myself and my child from his life, but that won't work, apparently.
fork my forking life. i have NEVER been so embarrassed in my life.


wow. did you actually give him money to pay the tuition that he spent on something else?
and I am sorry torque, I know you guys have been going through a rough patch lately. i am going to repeat what someone said to me when i was at a loss and thought about leaving my (now) ex two years ago; you will never know for sure it's over, but it's a pretty clear sign is you never know for sure it's right. i know your situation is very different from mine, but it's a perspective. and i think you need to be treated with love and respect, and you deserve to be happy.

Author:  torque [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 12:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

you are a very wise person smoothie, and i have known from the outset that this relationship served one purpose: for me to have a kid, and for that kid to have two parents. i'm going to just say something that i don't know if i've ever said out loud, but i think i've realized for sure: i am a loner, i prefer to be alone, and i never intended to spend my life with anyone else (maybe i hoped it would work, but i don't think i really believed it would ever work out).
I think i was pretty clear about my motivation for having a kid at the beginning but Mr T probably didn't care, didn't understand, or disregarded it (like so much else) as some stupid american thing. I was committed to staying til FC was 18. I still think I am- though I would like to take off, i'm not sure what the calculations indicate- is it better to stay together and hear this sort of drama all the time, but have both parents present? or is it better to be the kid in the middle, between two countries? (because i am going the fork back if i don't have to stay here, i've milked this place for all it's going to give).

As for the cash... all the money i earn gets deposited into an account that we both accesses, but he pays the bills; i happily would have done it if asked, didn't realize i was supposed to be providing monitoring services as well. gr.

Author:  linanil [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 12:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

I think you are trying to put your daughter's happiness before your own but, I don't think it is going to make her happy to see both her parents miserable. Is that an example you want to set for your daughter too? Stay in a relationship even if you are miserable?

My parents split when I was 6 and even though I didn't understand at the time, I realized later it was the best choice. Also, if you are emotionally drained due to your marriage, do you think you are making your daughter happy?

Author:  pandacookie [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 12:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

That's a pretty big statement to make and it doesn't seem fair to anyone in the family to stay in a unit if you don't care and don't love your partner. If the point is only so that your child has 2 parents present, that's a pretty flimsy reason to stay together.

Author:  Moon [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 1:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Torque: As a person who's parents broke up when she was 12, I might be able to weigh in just a little bit, though I don't know the age of FC.

I, personally, was happy my parents broke up. They were miserable together. Their breakup was huge, and messy. I was not for one second sad over "Daddy and Mommy wont live together anymore". Not for one second.

The problem for me was the amount they involved me in it. Way to much talking about each other to me, and in front of me. I did not need to hear about my mom's life prior to my dad and the things she went through. I did not need to hear from my mom and her friends about how my dad was an antisocial dick. The other problem for me was that my opinion about whom to live with was not taken in to consideration. Oh, and moving away from my friends sucked.

So please, don't stay with Mr T if things are really bad. Do not stick it out for MC's sake. It'll not do any good.

Author:  erynne936 [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 1:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

From someone whose parents stayed together and are still together now: I wish they had gotten divorced. I always wished it, even as a child. Growing up life had much stress, anxiety, and negativity due to my parents' issues. It affected me greatly. I and my siblings have all struggled with anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. Of course this is my own experience only.

Author:  Shy Mox [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 1:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

My parents' divorce was rough on me when it happened, but in retrospect it would have been a lot worse if they had stay together. I don't know what they saw in each other at all. The only thing that was really rough on me was them putting me in the middle of it all and I felt like I was obligated to pick a side.

Author:  torque [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 2:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

i hear what you all are saying, thank you for sharing your experiences.

i think i am going to cut my side of this discussion off now because i'm not sure how wise it is for me to be saying anything more in a public forum considering the circumstances. again, thanks.

Author:  monkeytoes [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 2:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Moon wrote:
I, personally, was happy my parents broke up. They were miserable together. Their breakup was huge, and messy. I was not for one second sad over "Daddy and Mommy wont live together anymore". Not for one second.

I could have written this, word for word. Only difference was that I was 10. I'm projecting my own experience here, of course, but I really believe kids are well aware when their parents aren't happy.

Author:  Tofulish [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 3:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

Moon wrote:
Torque: As a person who's parents broke up when she was 12, I might be able to weigh in just a little bit, though I don't know the age of FC.

I, personally, was happy my parents broke up. They were miserable together. Their breakup was huge, and messy. I was not for one second sad over "Daddy and Mommy wont live together anymore". Not for one second.

The problem for me was the amount they involved me in it. Way to much talking about each other to me, and in front of me. I did not need to hear about my mom's life prior to my dad and the things she went through. I did not need to hear from my mom and her friends about how my dad was an antisocial dick. The other problem for me was that my opinion about whom to live with was not taken in to consideration. Oh, and moving away from my friends sucked.

So please, don't stay with Mr T if things are really bad. Do not stick it out for MC's sake. It'll not do any good.


This! My parents had a really shitty marriage and finally got divorced when I was 18 and it was exactly like Moon said.

Author:  chouettes crêpes [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

sort of along the same lines, but bringing it back to the personal relationship thing:

i just wanted to share that i grew in a dysfunctional household w/ parents who didn't work well together and i notice how now, in my adulthood, i mimic the relationship i shared w/ them, especially in my romantic relationships.... i'm not sure i should get into specifics, but i am trying really hard to become aware of it and change. i want to find a way to seek out loving and caring relationships, but it's difficult bc my perspective of what that means is very skewed.

i have started this new fling with a nice, vegan boy. it feels good and easy right now so we'll see. :)

Author:  Tofulish [ Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears

CC, my parents definitely modeled a lot of dysfunction for me, and it is a daily struggle to be aware of the crappy things I do automatically in my partnership. But I think everyone has their challenges and its an interesting journey for sure!

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