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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 5:12 pm 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
I'm just not sure what to do. I love my guy like I've never loved another guy, but I'll always be second best to him.

We went to Sf over the weekend for his birthday, and right before we left, I looked at his phone. My intuition always tells me something is off with him. He has a best girl friend, H, who he's been friends with for over 5 years. He loves her, and she's the girl he'll never have - but he won't admit to anyone that he loves her, like he's trying to fool himself.

Anyway, I read texts from him to her from 2 mos ago, and he was telling her that he wanted to dump me and sleep with her.

It sounds like a bad relationship all around. We're only getting your side, but if you're reading his texts and he's telling women he wants to sleep with them and dump you, that's pretty bad all around. If there's no respect or trust, what's the point in the relationship from either side?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 7:38 pm 
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kilgore trout wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
Coming from someone who had radio silence pulled on them in the not so distant past, please give him a heads up. I felt so confused, like I didn't know what I had done wrong, when things seemed to be going really well. I let him know I liked him (and he told me he liked me too) and then he just...stopped talking to me. It sucked. Sounds like you also need to have a conversation with your ex. Regardless of whether you decide to get back together in the future or not, it might help to work out some of these feelings and see if he feels the same way. At least then you're on the same page.

True this. I got dumped this way a while back and I spent a really long time agonizing about what I possibly could have done wrong. That plus feeling pathetic for sending a couple of unanswered texts was pretty unpleasant.


True. I did it. It should be noted we'd gone on two dates-the last person I dated for a month and made sure to go in person. I just.. I've experienced radio silence from someone I've gone on a couple dates with and for me it wasn't a huge deal, but I get that it's different for everyone else.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 9:37 pm 
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i also think that in the modern world, a text is an easy and acceptable form of break up; especially for something like a two-date-relationship-- a text would probably be easier for everyone in that scenario. that was good of you to clue him in, lillianp.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 10:09 pm 
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chouettes crêpes wrote:
i also think that in the modern world, a text is an easy and acceptable form of break up; especially for something like a two-date-relationship-- a text would probably be easier for everyone in that scenario. that was good of you to clue him in, lillianp.


For a two date relationship, yes. I'd be forking pissed if my partner of 5 years broke up with me in a text (or any other form of non-face-to-face contact), though... Haha.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 10:14 pm 
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oh for sure. i guess i was just saying that in some cases (like after a date or two) it can be a good thing to embrace technology because the more traditional way might be more painful than kind.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 7:24 am 
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Freetahtah wrote:
chouettes crêpes wrote:
i also think that in the modern world, a text is an easy and acceptable form of break up; especially for something like a two-date-relationship-- a text would probably be easier for everyone in that scenario. that was good of you to clue him in, lillianp.


For a two date relationship, yes. I'd be forking pissed if my partner of 5 years broke up with me in a text (or any other form of non-face-to-face contact), though... Haha.


Hah, yeah. I figured a text was easiest. It wasn't like we'd been dating a couple months or anything, just about a week or so and in situations like that, I'd feel really guilty having someone come out to meet me only to be told they're not dating anymore.. If you've been dating at least a few months, it definitely deserves face-time!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 10:44 am 
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The manfriend woke up at 6 this morning (2.5 hours before he normally gets up) and couldn't fall back asleep. Said he was stressed, didn't really want to talk about it, but also didn't want to just lay in bed wide awake. At his place, he would normally just get up and watch some tv for awhile, but I don't have tv, so he said he was probably going to just go home. But then we started making out and that led to sexytimes and he totally passed out afterward. It was kind of cute.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:56 pm 
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Freetahtah wrote:
chouettes crêpes wrote:
i also think that in the modern world, a text is an easy and acceptable form of break up; especially for something like a two-date-relationship-- a text would probably be easier for everyone in that scenario. that was good of you to clue him in, lillianp.


For a two date relationship, yes. I'd be forking pissed if my partner of 5 years broke up with me in a text (or any other form of non-face-to-face contact), though... Haha.


I had an ex that I dated for 1 year and 3 months break up with me in a blog.

It was pretty much implied in person but not explicitly so, especially not for this drama-manipulator person...So the ax didn't fall til her blog. What is my problem for not doing the breaking up with people when it so totally should be? Because I have this anti-quitter thing about me I guess.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 9:41 pm 
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lycophyte wrote:
What is my problem for not doing the breaking up with people when it so totally should be? Because I have this anti-quitter thing about me I guess.


Ugh, this is me. My ex pulled so much shiitake. He was always blowing me off, canceling plans last minute (like during the summer when we were long distance, there were so many times where we were suppose to skype at 11 or whatever, and then at like 10:59 (I so wish I was kidding) he'd text me and be like, "So I decided to go see a movie and I'm not back yet. Sorry, babe!"), getting super defensive when I would try to talk about things, blame me for everything when I'd try to talk about things that were a problem (yeah, it's totally my fault you blew me off for WOW....) and make me feel bad, and then get mad when I would be upset about it. I almost broke up with him over the summer, but I was hoping things would be better when he got back, so I didn't. And then when he got back he still kept pulling all this shiitake. After a few weeks I was finally like, I feel like you don't care about me and we had a good talk and things were good for about a month and a half, and then all the shiitake started again. He *finally* seemed to get how shitty it was for him to always be blowing me off and not willing to compromise on things though, and then he went home for Christmas break, the last two weeks he was out of the county back packing and we didn't talk at all. The day he got back he broke up with me, because he apparently just woke up one day and didn't feel anything for me. Seriously? I put up with so much shiitake, and this is how we end up breaking up? Ugh.

What's really shitty is while he was gone I was thinking about everything and had decided we needed to just sit down and talk about everything to figure out if we both actually were willing to work on this, and was at the point where I was just done feeling so shitty that I didn't even care anymore if we ended up breaking up over it(when I had told him the first time he was making me feel like he didn't care about me, he'd freaked out and we almost broke up then, so I was always kind of afraid to be super honest about things in case he reacted that way again). But then he messaged me the night before he got back and seemed super excited to talk to me, so I was like "Yay! I missed you so much and can't wait till you're back again!" and then the first thing he said to me when he got back was "I just don't feel anything for you anymore." It was great.....

And now we're still living together and I see him pretty much everyday but we don't talk and it's super awkward.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 11:17 am 
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Simply_Love, that is so gross! A friend of mine has a boyfriend with whom things are very up and down like that. She will feel like he doesn't give a shiitake about her, they get into some huge fight for a week and she's convinced they're breaking up, but then they have a talk and things will be good for about a month, and then...repeat. It's been like this ever since I've known her, so years. It's exhausting to listen to, so I can't imagine being in the relationship. I wish they would just break up, half the time. Also, living with an ex is HORRIBLE. I lived with my last ex for a month and it was the worst. Maybe if you have other roommates, it would be manageable, but one on one it was just awful. Except we didn't ignore each other, we just fought and he cried all the time. Get outta there asap!

My dude is so...useful, haha. I'm helping to organize our Worldwide Vegan Bake Sale and we were trying to figure out how to reserve this pavillion downtown, so I asked him if he knew how to do that and of course he did and then suggested all these other logical, awesome things about getting press (the paper and radio will do free ads for non-profit events!) and coverage of it. He knows because he does a lot of charity events (!!!<3!!!) and is generally a TCB kind of guy. How is he so awesome?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:09 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
TCB kind of guy.

But is he an NBL, too?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:13 pm 
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So my guy and I have seen each other at least for an hour or so every day for a week. Last night was a sleepover night and <3 ugh. My heart! We cut each others hair and I think I did an amazing job and he looks so damn handsome.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 5:15 pm 
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You know those situations where you feel completely crappy about something totally not related to your partner, and then you want them to make you feel better, but of course they can't because it has nothing to do with them? And then you get totally irrationally angry or annoyed with them? Why does that happen? I am really doing my best not to let him feel like I am pissed at him, but truthfully I sort of am. Even though I am feeling crappy because I've been sick for a few days and I am having a not-so-good time right now.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 8:46 pm 
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I haven't posted in quite a while, but I've been reading this thread a lot in the past few days, and I feel the need to tell my sad story. I just broke up with a guy I had been seeing for about 8 months. It hasn't quite been a week yet, but I feel like everything has just started to hit me.

From the beginning the relationship, my first, was a little rocky. I was hesitant from day one, plus I'm not really a touchy-feely person, so getting used to someone being around all the time and touching me all the time was an adjustment. But, he liked me a lot, so I let it continue through some red flags and situations that made me uncomfortable(he and his friends drink a lot and take part in some other activities that I was never really into).

We argued possibly more than I think is healthy, and those arguments happened more frequently as the relationship went on. I also believe my independence made him insecure, so every time I made plans to do something with friends or even my own mother, he would start a huge argument, send hundreds of texts and end up coming to my house even when he was not invited. We almost broke up several times, and he would beg me to take him back, even at one point declaring his love many, many times in one night.

Then at the end of January my very beloved grandmother passed away, and he tried his best to help, but I ended up pushing him away and not dealing with any of it very well. From that point on we argued basically every other day until I couldn't take it any more. It ended up taking a physical toll on me, I had a cold for a month that I just could not seem to shake, and the eyelashes on my right eye started falling out. Basically, I was miserable. Yet he still would not let go, he told me many times that I am 'the one' (whatever that means) and that he would never give up on trying to get me back. Even after the horrible, down in flames breakup he begged to be friends and told me he just needed to mature and would come back for me. I asked for time apart, and a break from texting, before deciding if we could be friends. At first he seemed to ignore my request, like so many other times when I felt like he did the opposite of what I asked him to do, when suddenly the texts stopped. For two days I did not hear a word from him, and even though I was the one who asked for time apart, I started to just wonder if he was okay. So I sent a text to ask if he was okay, and heard nothing for hours, so I assumed he was done talking to me and sent a second text saying I understood and that I would leave him alone. Another hour passed and he finally responded with a one word text that he is fine At this point I am just confused by his complete turnaround, even though I know I don't have a right to be bothered by it because, after all, I am the one who wanted time apart.

I know it is not going to be easy for a while, and that I am a little lonely and hurt right now, I just wish I could figure him out so maybe I could stop worrying so much.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 10:12 pm 
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smoothie wrote:
You know those situations where you feel completely crappy about something totally not related to your partner, and then you want them to make you feel better, but of course they can't because it has nothing to do with them? And then you get totally irrationally angry or annoyed with them? Why does that happen? I am really doing my best not to let him feel like I am pissed at him, but truthfully I sort of am. Even though I am feeling crappy because I've been sick for a few days and I am having a not-so-good time right now.


totally. i know what you're talking about, smoothie. i don't have any answers for you, but i hear you. this happens to me a bunch. it sucks and i get upset at myself for getting upset about it, but it happens. ugh.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 11:00 pm 
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peanut-- i'd just be thankful that it's over and give yourself some time to recover from a very rocky first relationship. there's no guide book to these things and we all make misjudgments. chances are you'll never figure the guy out and honestly, he doesn't sound worth the time of pondering. the whole relationship sounded volatile, but sometimes even volatile things can grow into familiarity and that's... well, oddly comfortable. if it were me, i'd try to take non-blaming stock of what happened, work on getting into back into the grove of where i was before the relationship started so i could feel good in my own skin and eventually be able to open myself up to new and better relationships.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 8:03 am 
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chouettes crêpes wrote:
peanut-- i'd just be thankful that it's over and give yourself some time to recover from a very rocky first relationship. there's no guide book to these things and we all make misjudgments. chances are you'll never figure the guy out and honestly, he doesn't sound worth the time of pondering. the whole relationship sounded volatile, but sometimes even volatile things can grow into familiarity and that's... well, oddly comfortable. if it were me, i'd try to take non-blaming stock of what happened, work on getting into back into the grove of where i was before the relationship started so i could feel good in my own skin and eventually be able to open myself up to new and better relationships.


All of this. It sounds like he was an incredibly manipulative and difficult person to be in a relationship with and that's not going to change just because you two have broken up. Worry about taking care of yourself and let him take care of himself.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 9:57 am 
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Moon wrote:
chouettes crêpes wrote:
peanut-- i'd just be thankful that it's over and give yourself some time to recover from a very rocky first relationship. there's no guide book to these things and we all make misjudgments. chances are you'll never figure the guy out and honestly, he doesn't sound worth the time of pondering. the whole relationship sounded volatile, but sometimes even volatile things can grow into familiarity and that's... well, oddly comfortable. if it were me, i'd try to take non-blaming stock of what happened, work on getting into back into the grove of where i was before the relationship started so i could feel good in my own skin and eventually be able to open myself up to new and better relationships.


All of this. It sounds like he was an incredibly manipulative and difficult person to be in a relationship with and that's not going to change just because you two have broken up. Worry about taking care of yourself and let him take care of himself.

cc nailed it. The flipping out when you made plans with someone other than him is such a big red flag to me. It's manipulative and controlling. At this point, his about face could be another attempt to manipulate you so I'd be very skeptical if he starts contacting you again.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 3:17 pm 
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Mars wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
TCB kind of guy.

But is he an NBL, too?


What does this meeeaaannnnn?

Manfriend and I had our first semi-fight this morning, over the dumbest thing, which is basically that he is too happy and is afraid I am going to break his heart. He kept talking about how I told him I'm always the breaker upper (shoulda kept that one to myself, apparently), so that he is sure that I am going to be the one ending our relationship. And then when I was like, 'yeah, but THIS IS DIFFERENT, I've never felt like this before, I'm so happy that it terrifies me and this shiitake is easy and wonderful and I'm not going to break up with you because you're not like anyone I've ever dated, and all those relationships were crepe from the beginning', he kept focusing on WHY I stayed in those relationships if they were so crepe, why did I let myself get treated badly, etc. And it's like, who cares? Sort of? I mean yeah, there are some things about that that need working out, but not with him, that's my own shiitake. And he's a had a rocky relationship history as well, so it's like, dude, do you not realize that I'm worried about some stuff too? Except hey let's just enjoy this because it is so so so awesome and worry about the future when it forking gets here! And he said he was afraid I would cheat on him, like if we got into a fight, because that's happened to him before a bunch of times or that I'm going to just hang out with him until something better comes along out of nowhere, and it's like GUY, STOP IT. He was in a shitty mood because he was maybe going to have to fire someone today, so maybe he was just being negative all around, but I hate it when people try to think of all the bad things that could happen and fight with you about them, when there is nothing to fight about because none of it has happened! What the fork?! Anyway, things are fine now, but it was just a really frustrating conversation and I almost cried.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 3:23 pm 
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Ugh that's frustrating!

allularpunk wrote:
What does this meeeaaannnnn?



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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 3:36 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
Manfriend and I had our first semi-fight this morning, over the dumbest thing, which is basically that he is too happy [...]



Of all the things to possibly fight about, though, isn't this the best one?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 3:37 pm 
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Oh, well, yeah :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 3:38 pm 
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Mars wrote:
Ugh that's frustrating!

allularpunk wrote:
What does this meeeaaannnnn?





OMG, YES!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 3:59 pm 
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I'm actually feeling slightly melancholic about my relationship today. I'm being the silly 'feeling feelings over something that hasn't happened' person like alluar's man, heh. Yesterday I went out with him and his friends, whom I have hung out with before a little bit, but not much. I get the feeling that his best friend in particular does't really like me, and it's kind of a bummer. I think his BFF is pretty awesome (boisterous, hilarious type), and it always bums me out when people don't seem to take a liking to me, especially when it's people I think are rad. I think it spells trouble when the BFF doesn't approve of the BF. And then I just keep thinking about how he's often mentioning my age like it's something that he sees as a potential problem (he's 12 years older). That's hard to hear too many times because there's literally not one thing I can do about that!

I gotta shake that off and think of all the cute things. Like him saying he is hoping that I can soon start hanging out with him and the kids and not have our relationship secret from them. (Him and his ex had an agreement that they would keep their dating and their kids separate, after some bad blood over his ex cheating on him and then that person spending lots of time with the kids).

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 4:06 pm 
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Who wants to share stories about initiating Where's This Going-type conversations? I'm just, uh, curious.

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