| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Thu Jul 24, 2014 10:45 am

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4073 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118, 119 ... 163  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 11:03 pm 
Online
Invented Vegan Meringue
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 2:55 pm
Posts: 3715
Location: The land of maple syrup and beavers.
Yay, Torque lives!

_________________
Anyone for some German Shepherd Pie? - daisychain
Well! Fruit is stupid! These onions taste nothing like fruit! - allularpunk
Dwarf-tossing for God: A Story of Hope - Invictus


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 2:21 am 
Offline
Level 7 Vegan
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:26 pm
Posts: 1526
Location: santa cruz!
Tofulish wrote:
lutin wrote:
I like your dual-proposal-acceptance idea, ameyfm. BUt I wonder, how would it work out practically?


I really love the idea. Most couples talk about getting engaged or married in a casual way before one person proposes any way. So you could agree that when you're ready, you each get to propose in a way you want to. And as long as its fun and doesn't get competitive or lead to hurt feelings, it would be so nice.


Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind. You could each know that it was probably coming your way, but not know when it would happen or what form it would take!

Also, I'm so glad to read your good news, Torque. May it continue!

_________________
Vegan Eats & Treats


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 2:26 am 
Online
Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 4289
Location: fjordfjord
allularpunk wrote:
Yay, torque and Fizz! Pretty much my favorite thing ever is when a relationship with a good foundation that has gotten a little rocky finds its way around the bend and ends up with everyone being happy.


Thoroughly agreed. torque, I am so happy time apart worked so well for you and your fam! Welcome back! <3

_________________
ॐ लोकः समासतः सुखिनो भवन्तु
http://www.embracingtheworld.org


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 4:42 am 
Online
Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 4289
Location: fjordfjord
allularpunk wrote:
Aw, that's sweet, lutin! Out of curiosity, what sort of thing would you like to do once you finish? Would you be moving in order to work?


I'd like to graduate on time (which means, around March 2015). That gets pretty much all of my brain right now, which is why even thinking about post-diss life is kind of ....silly. Once I graduate, I have to decide on academia or some kind of business/corporate/consulting work. It will almost certainly mean a move away from NL, and I am unlikely to find work in Denmark, where NatureBoy lives, unless there's a short term postdoc offered in Aarhus, Copenhagen or Lund (Sweden). Before I met NatureBoy, I'd been thinking of moving elsewhere in the anglophone world with amazing nature (e.g. Oz or New Zealand) but those are tricky places for him to work, and would mean being far from both our families. So! I don't know. But we're both vaguely wondering about it. The "only" three things I want are: work, nature and to live together. I am so ready for this to stop being a long distance and start being a living together kinda thing.

_________________
ॐ लोकः समासतः सुखिनो भवन्तु
http://www.embracingtheworld.org


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 10:57 am 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:08 pm
Posts: 4780
Location: WV
lutin wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
Aw, that's sweet, lutin! Out of curiosity, what sort of thing would you like to do once you finish? Would you be moving in order to work?


I'd like to graduate on time (which means, around March 2015). That gets pretty much all of my brain right now, which is why even thinking about post-diss life is kind of ....silly. Once I graduate, I have to decide on academia or some kind of business/corporate/consulting work. It will almost certainly mean a move away from NL, and I am unlikely to find work in Denmark, where NatureBoy lives, unless there's a short term postdoc offered in Aarhus, Copenhagen or Lund (Sweden). Before I met NatureBoy, I'd been thinking of moving elsewhere in the anglophone world with amazing nature (e.g. Oz or New Zealand) but those are tricky places for him to work, and would mean being far from both our families. So! I don't know. But we're both vaguely wondering about it. The "only" three things I want are: work, nature and to live together. I am so ready for this to stop being a long distance and start being a living together kinda thing.


I think your final 3 goals should be achievable with some exploration and planning. Good luck with finishing on time. In my experience, things generally fall into place as time goes by.

_________________
But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


Awesome. Vegan. Rad.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 1:12 pm 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:08 pm
Posts: 4780
Location: WV
I'm fighting back tears at my desk right now on behalf of my friend. She's been with her boyfriend for something like 7 years, and as long as I've known her (about 4 years), she's had such a tumultuous time with him. I really like him, he's funny and quirky and smart and has always been nice to me. But he acts so shady when it comes to her. He's cheated on her in the early days of their relationship, and she's completely unable to trust him now. Every few months he does something or starts acting all shade-tastic and she thinks she'll finally leave him. Bonus that she wants to get married someday, but not to him really, and he never wants to get married to anyone. I know those attitudes can change, but it's been a long time and they haven't for him still. They'll have these big blowups and then he'll get all sweet talk-y and things will be hunky dory for awhile, and then the cycle repeats. She's so afraid of being alone after so long (totally understandable), and she's got this eye problem situation which means she relies on him to drive her places (work, grocery store, doctor's appointments), she's not sure she could swing rent on her own (she could if she cut back on stuff, and I could coach her through that, having gone through it last year myself), and if she ended up being the one that moved, it would mean learning a totally new layout of a place…but if she was the one who stayed, there are all the memories. I so completely understand what she is going through and I know how scary all that stuff is to deal with. I don't know what she should do, but I know she's not happy, so something has to give. I've tried giving her the best advice I know, but I know that only goes so far and ultimately it's all up to her. I wish she could trust him and they could be happy together. And if she can't do that, I hope she finds the strength to walk away. I just hate seeing her in such turmoil all the time.

_________________
But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


Awesome. Vegan. Rad.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 1:39 pm 
Offline
Saggy Butt
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:44 pm
Posts: 306
Location: Jungles of America
allularpunk wrote:
I wish she could trust him and they could be happy together. And if she can't do that, I hope she finds the strength to walk away. I just hate seeing her in such turmoil all the time.
I couldn't trust someone who had cheated on me. I don't know what you mean by shady, but if he isn't open and honest about his life still (after cheating on her) then he doesn't seem trustworthy even if he hadn't cheated.

I think all you can do is try to get her to focus on the long-term and not the short. She's stuck planning the best way to get through the week or month and it is ruining her success/happiness for the long term. Dragging out a bad relationship just makes everything harder and worse. It also takes the place of opportunities to find a good relationship.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 1:44 pm 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:08 pm
Posts: 4780
Location: WV
Tigon wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
Dragging out a bad relationship just makes everything harder and worse. It also takes the place of opportunities to find a good relationship.


Yes, this is advice that someone gave to me near the end of my last relationship, and it was very eye opening. By shady, I mean that he seems to be a little evasive about his comings and goings and tends to have inappropriate (in her eyes) friendships with other women that results in a lot of secretive texting. I know some people who have been able to make it work after an infidelity, so I guess it's possible. But you really, really have to forgive and not be bringing it up all the time and really, actually trust them. I don't know how it's done, I've never accomplished it (though I've tried).

_________________
But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


Awesome. Vegan. Rad.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 2:14 pm 
Offline
Fair trade, organic mistletoe
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:52 am
Posts: 3507
Location: Toronto
allularpunk wrote:
Tigon wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
Dragging out a bad relationship just makes everything harder and worse. It also takes the place of opportunities to find a good relationship.


Yes, this is advice that someone gave to me near the end of my last relationship, and it was very eye opening. By shady, I mean that he seems to be a little evasive about his comings and goings and tends to have inappropriate (in her eyes) friendships with other women that results in a lot of secretive texting. I know some people who have been able to make it work after an infidelity, so I guess it's possible. But you really, really have to forgive and not be bringing it up all the time and really, actually trust them. I don't know how it's done, I've never accomplished it (though I've tried).

The flipside of that is that they really, really have to be contrite, sorry, and accountable going forward. And that is not something I've seen happen often after infidelity.

_________________
"I'd rather have dried catshit! I'd rather have astroturf! I'd rather have an igloo!"~Isa

"But really, anyone willing to dangle their baby in front of a crocodile is A-OK in my book."~SSD


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 2:17 pm 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:08 pm
Posts: 4780
Location: WV
Oh, yeah, that too!

_________________
But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


Awesome. Vegan. Rad.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 2:30 pm 
Offline
Plays The Sims 2 religiously
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:20 pm
Posts: 7129
Location: Portland, OR
Oh man, ya'll. Unicorn is so great. She came to my surgery yesterday and waited in the pre-op room with me for the, like two hours or so until they wheeled me away to surgery, then stayed at the hospital and helped me remember all the post-op care stuff, then drove us to my house. I puked in the car (into a bag luckily) and she was so sweet and threw away the bag for me, and walking was pretty difficult so she helped with that. And then once we were home she made up a chart to write down the times I'm taking all my pills, made me tofu-quinoa-miso soup, got my pillows all set up, emptied my surgical drains even! She's just so caring and expresses so much love to me, it's so great. Oh and she got me a 'post-surgical gift' which was a SUPER low-cut v-neck t-shirt from American Apparel so I can show off my new chest in it :)

_________________
i would schmear marmite on a moist scrotum for Mars. - interrobang?!
"Not everything." ~ mumbles (1973-2013) - mumbles


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 2:35 pm 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:08 pm
Posts: 4780
Location: WV
Mars, that's awesome! She sounds super.

_________________
But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


Awesome. Vegan. Rad.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 2:57 pm 
Offline
Thinks Plants Have Feelings

Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2013 12:21 pm
Posts: 60
Mars wrote:
Oh man, ya'll. Unicorn is so great. She came to my surgery yesterday and waited in the pre-op room with me for the, like two hours or so until they wheeled me away to surgery, then stayed at the hospital and helped me remember all the post-op care stuff, then drove us to my house. I puked in the car (into a bag luckily) and she was so sweet and threw away the bag for me, and walking was pretty difficult so she helped with that. And then once we were home she made up a chart to write down the times I'm taking all my pills, made me tofu-quinoa-miso soup, got my pillows all set up, emptied my surgical drains even! She's just so caring and expresses so much love to me, it's so great. Oh and she got me a 'post-surgical gift' which was a SUPER low-cut v-neck t-shirt from American Apparel so I can show off my new chest in it :)

Awww. How sweet!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 3:22 pm 
Online
Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 4289
Location: fjordfjord
Mars! I am so happy you have such a sweet and caring lady to look after you. I am also so stoked at how good your relationship sounds. Giant hugs! And swift/painless recovery!

_________________
ॐ लोकः समासतः सुखिनो भवन्तु
http://www.embracingtheworld.org


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 4:11 pm 
Offline
Remembers When Veganism Was Cool
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:34 am
Posts: 2432
allularpunk wrote:
I'm fighting back tears at my desk right now on behalf of my friend.
*several red flags
*friend seems to want to end the relationship but doesn't see a way out

I just hate seeing her in such turmoil all the time.


Yeah, it's tough to see something from the outside and tell a real life friend to DTMFA.

I've seen it too with people, but it's not easy to say "I think I see a few red flags, so why are you together and are you sure you're not better off alone"?

I feel sorry for your friend cause I can say I've also been kind of trapped in a relationship cause I was afraid of how to deal with all the changes when I would be on my own again.

In the end you're better off alone than to be with some one who doesn't treat you with respect.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 8:08 pm 
Offline
Invented Vegan Meringue
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:18 pm
Posts: 3561
Location: It's hot. All the time.
allularpunk wrote:
I'm fighting back tears at my desk right now on behalf of my friend. She's been with her boyfriend for something like 7 years, and as long as I've known her (about 4 years), she's had such a tumultuous time with him. I really like him, he's funny and quirky and smart and has always been nice to me. But he acts so shady when it comes to her. He's cheated on her in the early days of their relationship, and she's completely unable to trust him now. Every few months he does something or starts acting all shade-tastic and she thinks she'll finally leave him. Bonus that she wants to get married someday, but not to him really, and he never wants to get married to anyone. I know those attitudes can change, but it's been a long time and they haven't for him still. They'll have these big blowups and then he'll get all sweet talk-y and things will be hunky dory for awhile, and then the cycle repeats. She's so afraid of being alone after so long (totally understandable), and she's got this eye problem situation which means she relies on him to drive her places (work, grocery store, doctor's appointments), she's not sure she could swing rent on her own (she could if she cut back on stuff, and I could coach her through that, having gone through it last year myself), and if she ended up being the one that moved, it would mean learning a totally new layout of a place…but if she was the one who stayed, there are all the memories. I so completely understand what she is going through and I know how scary all that stuff is to deal with. I don't know what she should do, but I know she's not happy, so something has to give. I've tried giving her the best advice I know, but I know that only goes so far and ultimately it's all up to her. I wish she could trust him and they could be happy together. And if she can't do that, I hope she finds the strength to walk away. I just hate seeing her in such turmoil all the time.


It seems that she's in this relationship because she needs transportation and a roommate. That's really not a good reason to stay with someone who :
--cheated on her early in the relationship
--she can't trust
--they fight (in a cyclical fashion- fight - blowup-he's sweet which is a huge warning sign)
--she's not happy
--wants to get married but not to him

Unless she likes what she has now, she needs to leave. He's not a nice guy if he treats her poorly.

_________________
A whole lot of access and privilege goes into being sanctimonious pricks J-Dub
Dessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. Fezza
You people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 8:19 pm 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:15 pm
Posts: 2398
Mars wrote:
Oh man, ya'll. Unicorn is so great. She came to my surgery yesterday and waited in the pre-op room with me for the, like two hours or so until they wheeled me away to surgery, then stayed at the hospital and helped me remember all the post-op care stuff, then drove us to my house. I puked in the car (into a bag luckily) and she was so sweet and threw away the bag for me, and walking was pretty difficult so she helped with that. And then once we were home she made up a chart to write down the times I'm taking all my pills, made me tofu-quinoa-miso soup, got my pillows all set up, emptied my surgical drains even! She's just so caring and expresses so much love to me, it's so great. Oh and she got me a 'post-surgical gift' which was a SUPER low-cut v-neck t-shirt from American Apparel so I can show off my new chest in it :)


This is all the best.

_________________
"No one with hair so soft and glossy could ever be bad at anything." - Tofulish


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 8:39 pm 
Offline
Discovered unobtainium
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:21 pm
Posts: 11828
Location: Dinosaur Stampede
Mars, I love Unicorn on your behalf. She sounds as awesome as you deserve.

Don't forget: no lifting, stretching, etc against doctor's orders!

_________________
"This is the creepiest post ever if you don't know who Molly is." -Fee
"a vegan death match sounds like something where we all end up hugging." -LisaPunk


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 9:20 pm 
Offline
Bought A BRAND NEW CAR!
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:47 pm
Posts: 2135
Location: Western North Carolina
Mars, its so awesome to hear!

_________________
Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 12:14 am 
Offline
Moving To Sheepshead Bay
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:39 pm
Posts: 5877
Mars, when you are recovered enough, please give this beautiful sparkly unicorn a hug from me! In the mean time, tell her that the PPK thanks her for being so good to you!

_________________
"I'm no elephant, but now I want molasses." -Moon


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 10:47 am 
Offline
Not a creepy cheese pocket person
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:17 pm
Posts: 3934
Location: Austin
vijita wrote:
I have two girlfriends right now (who don't know each other, sorry if this is worded confusingly) in a situation--one is engaged to a long-term dude, the other is about to be engaged to a short-term dude. What's similar is that both sets of couples seem to have a really off-balance relationship.

I think what I'd do in this situation is ask questions about the relationship and do a lot of listening. Maybe give your opinion once, and then listen openly to whatever she has to say. In the long run, this lets you be available to the friend if she continues with the relationship and needs support getting out of it later. If you give a strong condemnation, your friend might avoid you when things get tough out of embarrassment.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 10:50 am 
Offline
Chard Martyr
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 9906
Location: Wolfville, Nova Scotia
mollyjade wrote:
vijita wrote:
I have two girlfriends right now (who don't know each other, sorry if this is worded confusingly) in a situation--one is engaged to a long-term dude, the other is about to be engaged to a short-term dude. What's similar is that both sets of couples seem to have a really off-balance relationship.

I think what I'd do in this situation is ask questions about the relationship and do a lot of listening. Maybe give your opinion once, and then listen openly to whatever she has to say. In the long run, this lets you be available to the friend if she continues with the relationship and needs support getting out of it later. If you give a strong condemnation, your friend might avoid you when things get tough out of embarrassment.

I think this is brilliant advice. Just by opening myself up to being an ear to listen, I'm sure my friends will be more inclined to hear me out if I do express reservations.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 11:08 am 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:08 pm
Posts: 4780
Location: WV
Veg_Eric and Vantine, you two are spot on. She's been so close to breaking up with him so many times, and I've offered her as much support as I can. I've told her that I would take her wherever she needs to go and that she has other friends who will do the same. She has a very hard time asking for and accepting help. Unfortunately I feel like at this point, all I can do is be there for her, whatever decision she makes.

_________________
But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


Awesome. Vegan. Rad.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 5:50 pm 
Offline
Dying from Nooch Lung
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:43 pm
Posts: 3246
Location: mt. pleasant
I'm engaged!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 6:13 pm 
Offline
Heeeerrrrree's JACKY!
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:39 pm
Posts: 3867
Location: the Eug
fupapack wrote:
I'm engaged!


Awesome!!!!
COngrats!

_________________
Don't mind my breasts and vagina, I'm a gay man.---Idatetatooedguys.

"Tots: the universal food band-aid... better than a mother's kiss. Healin' wounds since 1954." Meggs


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4073 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118, 119 ... 163  Next

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: anna bee, Bing [Bot], Exabot [Bot], Moon, zwingtip and 14 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer