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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 12:31 pm 
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smoothie, I agree with you, and if I had it my way, he would know by now. I hate all of the drama it's creating, because I am usually a very drama free person. But, while I disagree with keeping it a secret, especially now that I no longer work there, I still think it's his decision since it most directly affects him. Sucks that he doesn't think the timing is right, because I feel like the longer it goes on, the worse it will be. He and I are definitely not in agreement about that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 12:32 pm 
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I don't see it that way at all. I think if they want to, they could keep it a secret until they are engaged, even if that is years. I don't see anything unethical with that. It is not up to them to have to be telling people. I don't see how keeping it secret is at all dramatic. And in this case, I think a secret and privacy are exactly the same.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 12:41 pm 
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Well, the main reason I don't like it being a secret is because I want to go everywhere with him, and right now there are places that we can't do that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 2:20 pm 
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Soooo you know how I talked about how there's awkwardness around his kids and our relationship, due to an agreement between him and his co-parent? Well the other day he asked me to sleepover tonight even though his kids will be there. I want to SO BADLY... but I work until 9 tonight so b the time I get there, his kids will be in bed and I feel like that would be super weird for his kids, for their first meeting of me to be like... "Surprise! I've been in your house all night and you did't know!". So I said we should wait. Ughhhh.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 2:23 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
Well, the main reason I don't like it being a secret is because I want to go everywhere with him, and right now there are places that we can't do that.


Right. I just think whether or not to keep it secret/private should be between you and him. I feel like the secret is only bad because *you* don't like it. The drama it is creating in his workplace is not because of the secret, but because of how your friend is responding to it.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 5:03 pm 
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Mars wrote:
Soooo you know how I talked about how there's awkwardness around his kids and our relationship, due to an agreement between him and his co-parent? Well the other day he asked me to sleepover tonight even though his kids will be there. I want to SO BADLY... but I work until 9 tonight so b the time I get there, his kids will be in bed and I feel like that would be super weird for his kids, for their first meeting of me to be like... "Surprise! I've been in your house all night and you did't know!". So I said we should wait. Ughhhh.

How old are his kids? My sweetheart has wee ones as well, would like to discuss this!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 5:15 pm 
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kimba wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
Well, the main reason I don't like it being a secret is because I want to go everywhere with him, and right now there are places that we can't do that.


Right. I just think whether or not to keep it secret/private should be between you and him. I feel like the secret is only bad because *you* don't like it. The drama it is creating in his workplace is not because of the secret, but because of how your friend is responding to it.


Yepppppp. Which is why I never should have told her in the first place. I really thought our friendship was there, but it obviously wasn't. I still think that what smoothie said is valid, but I'm more upset about her (my [ex?] friend's) reaction than anything.

Also, Mars, bummers! Still, though, since there was an initial invitation, there will be another one! I think you're making the right, least selfish choice.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 5:21 pm 
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Is your manfriend over it yet? I hope you can figure out a way back to being all happy and in love.

Also, I am Team Kimba :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 5:29 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
Is your manfriend over it yet? I hope you can figure out a way back to being all happy and in love.

Also, I am Team Kimba :)


He isn't, like, actively mad about it, but when we talk about it and I say I'm so sorry for telling her, he's like, 'Yeahhhh, you really shouldn't have done that.' And I can tell he's irritated, but he's not pressing the point, which is nice, since I can't do anything about it. I mean, we totally had a ridiculous conversation about ramps today and he's coming over for dinner, so it's not that big of a deal, I think I feel worse than he is mad.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 5:44 pm 
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Yay! (Sorry for being a bit overvested in your relationship :) Its just really nice to hear you so happy ) ::scuttles off trying not to look like a creepy stalker::

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 5:47 pm 
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Haha, it's ok!

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 5:49 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
smoothie, I agree with you, and if I had it my way, he would know by now. I hate all of the drama it's creating, because I am usually a very drama free person. But, while I disagree with keeping it a secret, especially now that I no longer work there, I still think it's his decision since it most directly affects him. Sucks that he doesn't think the timing is right, because I feel like the longer it goes on, the worse it will be. He and I are definitely not in agreement about that.


If I'm reading this right, you were a server at the restaurant who was living with the manager until a month or so ago when you broke up with him and moved out. Then you began dating the owner. If this is the right story, there is going to be drama - that is pretty much unavoidable.
Your ex is probably going to think you were sneaking around with the owner the whole time. It's just human nature to think that. So I can see why owner wants to keep it a secret - he doesn't want to be accused of stealing his manager's girlfriend. I can also of course see that what's best is to just get it out in the open - just like ripping off a bandaid. You know there will be drama so just grit your teeth and ride it out. It's fair to tell the ex so he doesn't feel like a chump. Of course your personal life is nobody else's business, but still I think the adult thing to do is be honest.
That said, does ex have a new lady friend yet? That could help mitigate the situation! As they say, the easiest way to get over an ex is to get under somebody else. If he has another lady he may take the news much more calmly. Good luck! You'll feel so much better when the secret is out.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 6:29 pm 
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stellamarie wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
smoothie, I agree with you, and if I had it my way, he would know by now. I hate all of the drama it's creating, because I am usually a very drama free person. But, while I disagree with keeping it a secret, especially now that I no longer work there, I still think it's his decision since it most directly affects him. Sucks that he doesn't think the timing is right, because I feel like the longer it goes on, the worse it will be. He and I are definitely not in agreement about that.


If I'm reading this right, you were a server at the restaurant who was living with the manager until a month or so ago when you broke up with him and moved out. Then you began dating the owner. If this is the right story, there is going to be drama - that is pretty much unavoidable.
Your ex is probably going to think you were sneaking around with the owner the whole time. It's just human nature to think that. So I can see why owner wants to keep it a secret - he doesn't want to be accused of stealing his manager's girlfriend. I can also of course see that what's best is to just get it out in the open - just like ripping off a bandaid. You know there will be drama so just grit your teeth and ride it out. It's fair to tell the ex so he doesn't feel like a chump. Of course your personal life is nobody else's business, but still I think the adult thing to do is be honest.
That said, does ex have a new lady friend yet? That could help mitigate the situation! As they say, the easiest way to get over an ex is to get under somebody else. If he has another lady he may take the news much more calmly. Good luck! You'll feel so much better when the secret is out.



The timing you have is a little off (we broke up 1st December, I moved out 1st January), but yes, basically that. I like what you said about gritting my teeth and riding it out. It's just going to be how it's going to be. And yes, he has apparently been on a few dates in the past couple of weeks, so yay! That will make it easier, if things are going well with that. And I will feel tons better, just that if he quits and my dude has to deal with the repercussions (i.e. working a bunch of bar shifts until he has someone new trained), it's going to be a long, annoying journey.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 7:20 pm 
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Yeah, it sucks that there has to be drama, but as you said, it is what it is. You aren't doing anything wrong - it's just the nature of the situation. Maybe you can talk to manfriend and take the angle that its best for ex to hear it from you (meaning you and manfriend) as opposed to hearing it from some Gossipy McShitstirrer around town. It doesnt have to be your friend from work gossiping - no matter how careful you think you are being, someone who knows someone who knows someone is eventually going to see you two at the 7-eleven or something. Better to just take the smaller hit from standing up and telling him than to take the bigger hit when he hears it through the grapevine. The restaurant business is sooo gossipy! As far as the quitting goes - is he really in the financial position to walk out on his job? I don't know a whole lot of people who could do that and still pay rent. I would think it would just be a bit awkward between ex and owner for a few shifts and he will get over it. Lets hope things go well with him and the new lady.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 9:27 pm 
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Abelskiver wrote:
How old are his kids? My sweetheart has wee ones as well, would like to discuss this!

5, 11 & 11.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 11:08 pm 
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Mars,
You made the right call. I can tell you from experience that it's super creepy to wake up to someone in the house. Are the kids comfortable with you in regular situations?

I love that you didn't do it for all the right reasons.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 3:40 am 
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They've only met me as them being customers where I work. (And where I met my guy)

So yeah. Ugh they're so cute. Heart pangs.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 7:08 am 
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Mars wrote:
They've only met me as them being customers where I work. (And where I met my guy)

So yeah. Ugh they're so cute. Heart pangs.

I've been on all sides of this. I suggest that you meet them socially first. Let them know you before you have a spend the night date.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 7:37 am 
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stellamarie wrote:
Yeah, it sucks that there has to be drama, but as you said, it is what it is. You aren't doing anything wrong - it's just the nature of the situation. Maybe you can talk to manfriend and take the angle that its best for ex to hear it from you (meaning you and manfriend) as opposed to hearing it from some Gossipy McShitstirrer around town. It doesnt have to be your friend from work gossiping - no matter how careful you think you are being, someone who knows someone who knows someone is eventually going to see you two at the 7-eleven or something. Better to just take the smaller hit from standing up and telling him than to take the bigger hit when he hears it through the grapevine. The restaurant business is sooo gossipy! As far as the quitting goes - is he really in the financial position to walk out on his job? I don't know a whole lot of people who could do that and still pay rent. I would think it would just be a bit awkward between ex and owner for a few shifts and he will get over it. Lets hope things go well with him and the new lady.


You're right, and the manfriend wants my ex to hear it from him/us, but yeah...you never know who knows who and we have been to a few public places together. Hopefully, this girl quitting will move the 'tell' date up in my man's mind, since he (and honestly, I am too) is sure that she will blab the moment she doesn't work there anymore. As for my ex quitting...I really don't think he will, but he is a dramatic lunatic, so you never know. I'm hoping for the awkward thing for awhile and then whatever, also.

We had the best night last night, by the way. He came over with a iPod dock thing so we could listen to my music at a normal, non-tinny level and he loved the VCON black bean burgers and then we played gin rummy for hours and then had crazy awesome sex all night. My neighbors hate me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 12:10 pm 
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Vantine wrote:
I've been on all sides of this. I suggest that you meet them socially first. Let them know you before you have a spend the night date.

Oh yeah I know, there's no question about this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 3:09 pm 
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I went on the best date of my life last night. We match intellectually, temperamentally, in personality, and emotionally. Like... Woah. I was really just expecting to get a drink and have rebound sex cause he's foxy, but damn. I actually like this guy. I've never had that easy of a time with anyone. No awkward silences, no forced questions, no agonizing over if he's kissing me or wants me to kiss him... None of that. It was just...easy. And so many cuddles without sex. And so many kisses. He's just as cheesy and romantic as I am. I really, really hope he calls (I have yet to get his number...miscommunication stuff). But I'm positive he's just as into me. Eep.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 3:12 pm 
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missdelaney, that is so great! Isn't that such a nice feeling?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 3:22 pm 
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Yes! Absolutely one of the best. Especially being a total dork, most people just put up with my goofiness instead of acting similarly.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 4:16 pm 
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Maybe agreeing to play 'words with friends' with my man was a bad idea. I'm beating him by a lot and now that it's been pointed out I feel bad. But... I'm good at it! I'm the type of person though that would much rather loose consistently than beat someone I care for (this goes for friends and family as well). However I'm also the type of person that can't stomach fake-loosing! I would have to honestly be loosing.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 4:24 pm 
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Ha, last night when we were playing cards, my guy was beating me and I was getting irritated (I like winning!), so then we decided to play to 300, and the winner got to decide what to do in bed later, and I totally beat him by 5 points and gloated like the worst winner in the world. So, opposite problem, kind of.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

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