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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 4:24 pm 
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Ooh, ooM play with me! Nobody ever plays with me because I beat them by 100 points, except Isa. Everybody at work got mad at me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 4:30 pm 
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I don't play games with my husband because I'm a bit too competitive. I will play words with friends though with anyone, I'm not good and I don't care if I lose (a few times) :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 4:54 pm 
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Molly finger (one word)

I ran out of 007 bird names

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 5:32 pm 
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I raced my boyfriend up a hill while we were riding our bikes (well, actually, I just felt like sprinting to see how it went, and he couldn't let me get ahead). He broke his chain and crashed. I guess we both race bikes because we are both competitive jackasses.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 12:24 am 
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Bad things are happening. I met my guy out for a drink, with some of his other friends, and my ex showed up. He left in a furious manner (big surprise!) and my guy left in a hurry as well. I spent the evening drinking with my guy's best friend, who told me all about how much my guy is into me, meanwhile my guy is texting me the entire time about how he is going to have to work 80 hours a week to cover all the shifts he is going to lose when my ex quits (on top of my ex friend quitting) and while part of me is like, fork the bullshiitake, it will be fine, also, tell him already so we can just be whatever! The other part of me gets that him losing a manager means a lot more work for him (on top of what he already does to run the business) and also part of me is thinking, it will be ok, but guh, if you'd just told him already then you wouldn't have to worry so much about it right now. He is mad at me for trying to simplify everything, but I'm just trying to think positively and we haven't spent a night apart (save one the first week) in 5 weeks and how am I going to sleep and I have to work all day tomorrow with kids and I am so turmoiled and...shiitake. I hate this right now. I don't want this to be over because of this crappy stuff. Trying not to cry.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 6:33 am 
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Allular, this will all get better. If your ex quits, your guy will have to work a lot for a while but he will find someone else. It's a pain but not the end of the world. He's a business owner and it's 100% not fair for him to take his anger about a normal part of doing business out on you. There was a chance of this coming out sooner than you guys planned and he can't go off the rails just because it has happened.

I hope things are looking better today. It's a crummy situation all around.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 6:56 am 
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Moon wrote:
Allular, this will all get better. If your ex quits, your guy will have to work a lot for a while but he will find someone else. It's a pain but not the end of the world. He's a business owner and it's 100% not fair for him to take his anger about a normal part of doing business out on you. There was a chance of this coming out sooner than you guys planned and he can't go off the rails just because it has happened.

I hope things are looking better today. It's a crummy situation all around.


quoted for truth. ((hugs))

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 7:15 am 
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Thanks. It just feels terrible. I hate it when people are upset and I can't do anything to fix it. (I'm a fixer, surprise surprise.) So we're all just going to be upset for awhile, and it sucks. Also, didn't realize how used to sleeping with him I had gotten. Took me forever to fall asleep, then when I woke up three hours later (I'm a bad sleeper and wake up a lot during the night), I couldn't fall back asleep, so...yeah. Can't wait to go to work and have to use my brain and concentrate and work with teenagers who want to chat all day on three hours of sleep and a mind full of turmoil. FML.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 8:35 am 
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((((Hugs allularpunk)))) I hope your manfriend comes around.

He chose to go out with you to a public place, and your ex happened to see you. I fail to see how that is your fault. And even if something is your fault, its still immature and hurtful for him to take it out on you. He should have a plan in place to replace any employees that quit anyway, people do quit jobs all the time. He has more than one manager - so why not ask them to do extra shifts or find a good employee to get ready to promote if your ex leaves (which he may not do).

Personally, I think you would be within your rights to set a boundary here that your partner cannot punish you by withdrawing affection. He is always telling you that he is afraid you're going to break his heart, but he isn't treating your heart very kindly right now.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 8:35 am 
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I'm sorry things are hard right now, Allularpunk! But they will get better. Part of owning a business is having to deal with stuff like that, and your dude must know this - it's totally not cool he's being angry with you about it. Really, your ex quitting doesn't really have anything to do with you, it's not like you're responsible for how he acts AT ALL, and HE's the one insisting on keeping it secret.

I hope things get better soon. Your dude really should have found another manager by now, it's HIS issue to deal with, not yours!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 10:48 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
He chose to go out with you to a public place, and your ex happened to see you. I fail to see how that is your fault. And even if something is your fault, its still immature and hurtful for him to take it out on you.


Yes, this is very weird. I hope he comes around.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 11:21 am 
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Honestly the best thing to happen would be for the shiitake to hit the fan and deal with the fallout and move on. Until then it's just a guessing game and you while your relationship is technically no one else's business, I'm sure neither of you plan to keep it on the DL forever. I can see why you would not want to put pressure on him and why it's been better to have things under wraps up til now, my (unsolicited) advice would be just to try and be careful with your heart, know that there might be some icky feelings up ahead and that you both have a big hurdle to jump before you can coast. Hope it's back to blissville soon!!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 2:09 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
((((Hugs allularpunk)))) I hope your manfriend comes around.

He chose to go out with you to a public place, and your ex happened to see you. I fail to see how that is your fault. And even if something is your fault, its still immature and hurtful for him to take it out on you. He should have a plan in place to replace any employees that quit anyway, people do quit jobs all the time. He has more than one manager - so why not ask them to do extra shifts or find a good employee to get ready to promote if your ex leaves (which he may not do).

Personally, I think you would be within your rights to set a boundary here that your partner cannot punish you by withdrawing affection. He is always telling you that he is afraid you're going to break his heart, but he isn't treating your heart very kindly right now.


Yeah - running out and then texting you with his problems was not cool. Tofulish is right to suggest that you need to set up some boundaries with him.

He should have been more prepared for how the fallout could have affected his business before he started to date you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 2:44 pm 
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Agreed on all counts, friends. I did say that he should not have asked me out to a bar and then get mad when my ex comes in. This town isn't tiny, but it's far from huge. People you know are everywhere, and even if he hadn't been there to see us, you never know who knows who. Also, since it was a group of 5 of us, he didn't need to walk out, he could have just played it cool because it's totally plausible that I just ran into them there and stayed to hang out. It's when you start acting guilty that people get suspicious.

The biggest problem is that he hates confrontation. I knew this going in, seeing how he does things at the restaurant. It's never directly affected me before, and I honestly like that he isn't a big fighter, but in situations like this, it becomes somewhat detrimental. He should have a backup plan, but right now he's just freaking out about it.

Anyway, we've been texting back and forth today. My ex did come to work, and didn't say anything to my guy, so I was right in that he doesn't know anything and was just anger crazed at...seeing me out in public? He is such a lunatic. I didn't even tell you what he said to me at the bar. He initially saw me and his eyes got huge and he just turned on his heel and walked out when I said hi. Then he came back in and walked right up to me at the bar and asked me something about the dog, and then said, 'So, what are you doing here?' Like it's any of his goddamn business! I told him the truth - that I had been out with my friend, then we went to dinner, and then I stopped here on my way home for a drink and ran into the people I was drinking with. (Ok, mostly the truth, but I don't owe him any explanations about my whereabouts EVER anymore, so he can kindly fork off.) And he just was like, ok, walked away from me, left the bar screaming at the top of his lungs (he looooves shouting), 'I STILL SEE YOU!!!' I'm so glad he is not my boyfriend anymore. I always kind of knew he was crazy, but the crazy he has exhibited since we broke up is sort of astounding.

Oh, so anyway, I'm going over to my guy's place in a couple of hours. Hopefully things are good and we don't have some big long discussion about this, because honestly I feel like I've said everything to him about it that I need to say: he needs to tell my ex, it needs to happen soon, and that the business end of it will probably be a lot of work, but that it will end up ok. So many people need jobs right now, he can find a replacement.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 4:06 pm 
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Allarpunk - initially I thought your ex didn't have any business knowing who you're now dating. But because he is still in both of your lives, you're going out in public, your new guy's friends and one of yours already know.... it is past time to come clean. My husband is the same way about avoiding confrontation or anything unpleasant. The result is it makes everything harder both during the "silence" and when it does come out. The longer this goes on, the more hurt your ex will likely be too.

Get a plan with your guy; if he is ready to commit to you he should be ready to tell your ex - or cede that responsibility to you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 4:08 pm 
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It's going to be interesting...two people who hate confrontation dealing with a huge confrontation-to-be. Just the thought of having a conversation about it is breaking me out in a cold sweat. We shall see what happens.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 4:31 pm 
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What's the worst that can happen? He loses a manager who doesn't sound all that reliable, works 80hr weeks until he finds a new, and hopefully better one, life goes on. plus, it's his restaurant, right? Presumably he likes it, so it isn't even sucking it up and working long hours at a crepe, hated job.

This just seems like a lot of pointless angst and anxiety.

I hope you can resolve this and move back to happy.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 7:15 pm 
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Abelskiver wrote:
Honestly the best thing to happen would be for the shiitake to hit the fan and deal with the fallout and move on. Until then it's just a guessing game and you while your relationship is technically no one else's business, I'm sure neither of you plan to keep it on the DL forever. I can see why you would not want to put pressure on him and why it's been better to have things under wraps up til now, my (unsolicited) advice would be just to try and be careful with your heart, know that there might be some icky feelings up ahead and that you both have a big hurdle to jump before you can coast. Hope it's back to blissville soon!!


Yes, quoted for truth. The shiitake does need to hit the fan so you can move on and be happy. Even though it was unpleasant seeing the ex at the bar, it could be for the best if it gives your guy the kick in the butt he needs to deal with the situation. Like everybody else said, it was not cool for him to scuttle away at the first sign of conflict and then pepper you with texts about it. That is weak and not ok. He needs to stand up and deal with the conflict. He is allowing the ex way too much control in this situation. It will feel so good to not have to arrange your new relationship around your ex's (potential) hurt feelings any longer. Just ride out the drama and then enjoy the freedom!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 10:09 pm 
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AP, how did it end up? Hopefully all smiles.


So, during my date, I got a text from my ex (I've talked about him here; the evil one) asking if I wanted to meet for coffee. The next day, I said "yeah, sure," assuming I was just one of those catch up things.
Nope. He was asking me on a date.
I may have laughed for a solid hour.

Eta: new boy hasn't called yet...I'm pretty impatient and I don't have his number.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 10:38 pm 
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So I now to get to say "girlfriend" instead of "girl I'm seeing" which is nice because it saves me two syllables.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 7:36 am 
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Yay S.Rock!

Allularpunk, I just wanted to say that the beginning of a relationship is when a lot of patterns get set that are then really hard to shift. Your manfriend is acting like he has the right to make decisions about your relationship unilaterally and he is treating you like you have nothing at stake with your ex, when you still share a dog and are working out bills that he had in your name and didn't pay. You have at least as much reason to want the conversation with your ex to go smoothly, and you know your ex so you know how to manage him.* Its also problematic that he runs off and leaves you at a bar and is in communication only to punish you. None of these are deal breakers, but they are things that you should ask yourself if you want to tolerate. If you don't, find a good time to have the conversation. My husband used to storm off when we would fight, but finally agreed that it is basically emotional blackmail to just take off, so he doesn't do that any longer. And the unilateral decision-making is still one of our big points of frustration, so if you can address it early, it will save you a lot of frustration. :)

* (not that you should have to and it sucks that even after you are broken up, he is still holding you hostage with his temper tantrums and instability).

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:05 am 
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strawberryrock wrote:
So I now to get to say "girlfriend" instead of "girl I'm seeing" which is nice because it saves me two syllables.

Hooray hooray!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:57 am 
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strawberryrock wrote:
So I now to get to say "girlfriend" instead of "girl I'm seeing" which is nice because it saves me two syllables.

Awww! That's fun. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:04 am 
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Update on the "L" word...

He blurted it out TWICE last night. Now, was it accidentally on purpose? I have no idea! The first time was in the context of "That's why I love you, 'cuz XYZ..." and I didn't know if he meant to say it or if I was supposed to respond in kind so I just blushed and kept the conversation going. Second time (couple hours later) it was really obvious, but still seemed random! It was like, on topic-ish, (similar to the first) only this time it was like he caught himself and HE blushed and stammered and I just sat there and smiled and thought it might turn into a little speech or admission or something, but instead he just got back on track on what he was saying and moved on. Maybe I should have said it back? It didn't feel like he was waiting for me to say it, and since he was all embarrassed it didn't seem exactly intentional so I wouldn't have wanted to get all excited-puppy and scream "I love you tooo!!!" At the same time I totally missed an opportunity to just say it, grrr I'm a wuss!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 2:17 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
Yay S.Rock!

Allularpunk, I just wanted to say that the beginning of a relationship is when a lot of patterns get set that are then really hard to shift. Your manfriend is acting like he has the right to make decisions about your relationship unilaterally and he is treating you like you have nothing at stake with your ex, when you still share a dog and are working out bills that he had in your name and didn't pay. You have at least as much reason to want the conversation with your ex to go smoothly, and you know your ex so you know how to manage him.* Its also problematic that he runs off and leaves you at a bar and is in communication only to punish you. None of these are deal breakers, but they are things that you should ask yourself if you want to tolerate. If you don't, find a good time to have the conversation. My husband used to storm off when we would fight, but finally agreed that it is basically emotional blackmail to just take off, so he doesn't do that any longer. And the unilateral decision-making is still one of our big points of frustration, so if you can address it early, it will save you a lot of frustration. :)

* (not that you should have to and it sucks that even after you are broken up, he is still holding you hostage with his temper tantrums and instability).


Tofulish is very wise. My experiences are very like hers; so many patterns and dynamics are established in the first 6 months of a relationship. I actually think it is even more important to nip these things in the bud than most other things, if you want something to last and be harmonic and awesome. Most people have emotional patterns that could be more constructive, and if you don't talk about it honestly from the beginning, it can usually ends up being a much bigger problem later on.


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