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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 2:56 pm 
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smoothie wrote:
zwingtip wrote:
Yup, definitely. Got into this knowing exactly what the PPK will say, but all other places to vent are people who know him and that's not fair to them. At this point, feeling like just cutting him off but also there are plane tickets and travel plans that absolutely need to get resolved. I appreciate that his life sucks and that he's upset, but there is actually nothing I can do about it?


It's plane tickets. Not a child. Dude needs to be rational. Like luton says: he can either use the plane tickets or he can decide not to use them. Either way it's not your issue. Sure, it sucks being broke and then not getting something you paid for, but sometimes life sucks. Breakups suck. That's life. It will pass.


THIS.

For perspective, the type of support and contribution he's asking from you after a relatively short relationship is significantly greater than the arrangement my ex husband and I made when we separated. (In that case, he contributed some rent for 2 months after he moved out, since we had a shared apartment and owned all the furniture, so I had to buy new stuff when he moved out). The way your ex is acting is completely inappropriate, entitled, and shitty. He's an adult, and he will be able to survive this. Not to mention the fact that he very much made this bed by being a lying cheater.

Tell him whatever amount you're willing to contribute to change his flight plans. Tell him that offer is firm and that you're not willing to give him any more. Tell him he's an adult and that you are not obligated to fix his finances or vacation. STAND FIRM.

Also, I just have to add: Jesus effing christ he's vacationing in SPAIN now and is whinging about money and trying to get you to pay for his vacation? I wish I had his money problems.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 3:11 pm 
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^ to be fair, a trip to Spain from England can cost about £50

We're going to talk again tomorrow. Hopefully that will give him time to cool off. The offer as stands is 50% of cancellation or change fee. If he comes, he either pays rent (which he can't afford) or finds alternate arrangements (which is unlikely, unless the other person he has in mind is REALLY understanding). If that doesn't work, I think I get to give up hope of resolving this amiably.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 3:18 pm 
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JordanPattern +10000000000

if he can pay for or scrounge lodging in spain, then he can do it in the US too. couchsurf or pay rent like everyone else does.
he sounds (as said) like an entitled, manipulative jerk who is trying to twist things around to squeeze something out of you- just to see how far he can still manipulate you? so not fair. You offered to share when you could have told him to go to hell.
Keep strong and don't let this person take advantage of you. You don't deserve this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 3:19 pm 
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zwingtip wrote:
^ to be fair, a trip to Spain from England can cost about £50


Sure, but if you're asking your ex's mom for money, that's 50 quid you don't have.

You'll do what you'll do, obviously. I think you're putting up with far too much crepe from someone who's acting, frankly, like a total crasshole (based on what you've posted here), but, that's just, like, my opinion, man. You can do with it what you like. Good luck to you in any event.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 3:33 pm 
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zwingtip wrote:
^ to be fair, a trip to Spain from England can cost about £50

We're going to talk again tomorrow. Hopefully that will give him time to cool off. The offer as stands is 50% of cancellation or change fee. If he comes, he either pays rent (which he can't afford) or finds alternate arrangements (which is unlikely, unless the other person he has in mind is REALLY understanding). If that doesn't work, I think I get to give up hope of resolving this amiably.


I agree with Lutin, he can use it or he can not. I had a LDR and plane tickets when we broke up. It sucked, I cancelled the trip, got airline credit and used those credits to buy another plane ticket. Life went on. That is kind of what can happen when you are in a LDR and fly to see the person you are dating.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 3:47 pm 
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I will say this, zwingtip, it sounds like it is such a good thing that you broke up now. There are some really manipulative things I am seeing in his reaction to the money.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 4:45 pm 
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So now that I've had a couple hours to cool down, this is what I'm getting out of the conversation. The Boy is not a bad kid. And the first nine months of our relationship were awesome. I helped him sort his life somewhat and he brought me out of my shell at got me to be social and have fun. That said, yes he can be super manipulative and entitled. The manipulative bit I think developed as a defence mechanism against a really shitty childhood so that he never has to do things that don't benefit him or however he likes to put it. The entitled, looks like same thing. Growing up around people who have things and resources he doesn't and will never have (which I agree, is unfair and shiitake and a product of a class-stratified society).

This doesn't mean that I think he's not being a manipulative jerk right now. What I cannot understand, and, what I think is at the root of this conflict, is that he doesn't do boundaries. He doesn't understand them conceptually. I've pretty much told him "that's a shame deal with it" in the past (He doesn't understand them when they're his boundaries either—he has no ability to say no). Like, in December when I was visiting London he wanted to stay at my dad's house after my dad had gone to India and I'd gone home because "it wasn't hurting anyone and his house is nice" WITHOUT asking anyone. I ended up having to tell him "dad's house, dad's rules end of story" and he never understood. Now, for extra fun times, he seems to have found a way to make his political ideology work for his inability to respect boundaries. So if you enforce your boundaries, suddenly you're unethical. Not an expert, but somehow I don't think that's what Marx meant.

I also think he is lashing out because he is hurting. He really did have an idealised image of me and the US that was going to fix his life. When I say this trip is what he was living for, I am actually quoting him. He's spent the past 9 months talking about how he's homesick for Pasadena. I've lived in Pasadena 4 years and it's not even my home. This is what actually first triggered alarms with me about the healthiness of the relationship. He's also feeling really destabilised because of the financial situation—it never in a million years occurred to him that the relationship would not last so he really did not make a backup plan. I plan obsessively for every possible outcome. He... does not.

The plan: stand my ground, say 50% and that's it. I think I have to make peace with not salvaging the friendship, so that if all is forked then I can hold my position? I don't know. Does that sound reasonable?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 4:47 pm 
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Sorry Zwing! I know it might seem like we're being harsh on you. Please, vent here all you need. But you the PPK is a combo shoulder-to-cry-on and also a BFF-who-tells-you-like-it-is! <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 8:24 pm 
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I cancelled plans to go to a conference with my ex that I had pre paid for (and bought my ex's tix for) and had to pay a cancellation fee because I was dumped before the conference. I was nice and didn't cancel my ex'es ticket for it. But they complained anyway, because they were broke and couldn't afford the hotels necessary. I said "figure it the fork out, and you owe me someday when you are less broke. Find floors to sleep on and take Megabus." And they figured it out. I could have cancelled their ticket and made them pay me that, but didn't. The point is, tell them they have to deal and get over it, and don't act entitled to money because you don't have to do anything.

Somehow after all these years, my ex has still not paid me back, but they may soon, but not in money. They said they will write me a sermon, but I have to pick the topic. But it has taken like 8 years to get to this point!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 8:30 pm 
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zwingtip, something i've learned from past relationships is that you're probably more likely to have a friendship eventually if you don't even think about having one now. the longer you stay entangled with an ex right after a break up when emotions are high and feelings are all confused and you still feel close to them, the more bad feelings and fights are going to build up until you never want to see the person again. i say, do anything you can to not have to see him again any time soon.

What if he decides to still come and pays you rent? then you are basically living with your ex.

i know you don't actually want advice, but there it is anyway. Good luck with the situation. I hope it all works out in a non-painful way.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 8:48 pm 
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^ Am looking for advice, actually, in how to handle this moving forward (am just spectacularly bad at taking advice, but I am listening to everything you guys have to say). I think tomorrow I'm going to tell him that I'm done with this for now and that he cannot stay with me, which I have basically told him in not so many words. Because we are very very different people with very different habits and living with him in 300 square feet is not something I can do easily. I barely managed it last summer, but dealt with it because we were in a relationship.

Thanks for advice, everyone. <3 the PPK.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2014 9:06 pm 
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You deserve better than this drama bomb.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 12:21 am 
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Guys. I am going to have to see Unicorn tomorrow. There's no getting around it. Rehearsal for the show we're both in. This will be the first time since it ended. I am PETRIFIED of the assured awkwardness, the possible eye contact, and the potential for her to say something/confront me.

The last communication we had was her sending me a big long rant on FB in which she asked lots of questions, and then when I went to respond and answer said questions, she had blocked me. I took that as good reason to leave well enough alone and call it officially done with (and potential for friendship gone, also), but the lack of resolve is making me feel like I'm in a vulnerable position.

The last time we were in the same physical space as one another, it was at a queer dance party, and I freaked out, like panic-attack-style, left the party and walked the 60 blocks home. So, I have no idea. Do I avoid avoid avoid? What if we accidentally make eye contact? What if we have to pass by each other in close quarters? Do I say something? Hi? I don't know if I can do this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 12:31 am 
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Can you send her a text to clear the air beforehand? That's what I would do but then I would spend six hours drafting it and getting super anxious about it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 12:38 am 
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I've thought a lot about that but I feel like it has the potential of making things worse. I mean, I really get the impression she's downright livid at me. I think I'd rather awkwardly silent rather than 'fork you blah blah you're a crasshole blah blah you did this and that!'

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 12:44 am 
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Yeah, I guess that's true, at least when you're with other people you know she's probably not going to make a scene or anything (unless she's the type to do that I guess).

Also, I swear I see her EVERYWHERE.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 12:45 am 
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strawberryrock wrote:
Also, I swear I see her EVERYWHERE.

Ugh. *moves to a different city*

Can you tell I'm the avoidance type?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 1:05 am 
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Mars wrote:
I've thought a lot about that but I feel like it has the potential of making things worse. I mean, I really get the impression she's downright livid at me. I think I'd rather awkwardly silent rather than 'fork you blah blah you're a crasshole blah blah you did this and that!'


Can you bring a friend that is obligated to intervene if things get too awkward? You know, nothing too obvious, just something like someone who picks up a coffee and brings it to you if your ex starts talking to you?
It probably won't be super necessary (I've lived though some verrrrry awkward situations in the past, I am sure that you have too) but it's nice to know that someone is there who has your back and is there for a little emotional support.

I don't know if you've watched Sex and The City, but there is this BRILLIANT episode where one of the ladies run into an ex and literally runs and hides. Definitely one of those "it's funny because I TOTALLY DID THAT ONCE" kind of things.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 1:09 am 
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Definitely nobody who is not in the cast and crew, but I can let my boyband (our characters are always together) know whats going on, and that I might be clinging to them extra hard.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 1:38 am 
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Once I ordered food at a bar, paid for it, saw that someone I used to date (ended awkwardly) was there and immediately bolted. I still mourn that buffalo soy curl bowl.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 2:02 am 
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Aw, Mars! And strawberryrock. So many hugs. Totally feel you guys. Mars, cling as much as you need to- you have every right to.

The ex I'm still kind of getting over has recently been cropping up in a variety of ways lately, and it's making it impossible to get over him. In ways that I actually can't avoid- friends casually mentioning seeing him, his mother calling my place of employment, him texting me something innocuous, etc.- without being a crazy hermit. I'm glad I'm single at the moment, but I do wish we could have a really honest and serious conversation about our relationship without either of us stressing out about being emotional to each other (a big problem that helped end our relationship). It'll never happen, but a girl can hope.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 9:30 am 
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Mars, that sounds tough. It sounds like letting your fellow actors who are going to be around you know what's up is a good idea. I hope that you do realize that while it may be understandable why unicorn would be upset or angry, her feelings are on her, and not your responsibility. From what you've posted here, it sounds to me like you did the best you could in a difficult situation and didn't do anything to her beyond giving it a shot with her, and letting her know when it wasn't working. That's painful, yes, and many people react in anger when they are rejected that way, but it doesn't seem to me like you should be feeling too guilty or like her feelings are your fault.

Good luck.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 12:50 am 
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Guess what guys?! I did it... I didn't run away, and more importantly... I didn't die! It's truly a miracle.

(but yep it sure was awkward)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 1:49 am 
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Good for you for not running away, and I'm glad you got through it without too much aggro.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 2:50 pm 
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Bleurgh. I went on a few dates with someone (with his insistence that it was definitely not leading to a relationship whilst I was much more ambivalent about if it would go further or not), decided it wasn't working and stopped seeing him. This was over a month ago and even though I haven't been talking to him at all before today in any format (text/email/phone) as I've been away from home for the last month, I keep getting text messages which state his current goings on. As in, no "how are you?" or interest in what I'm doing, just regular updates all about him and his life. Plus he's now hinting that he wants me to go across to Glasgow for him to help him get some paperwork for a job application as he's out of the city for a bit himself. I just don't care! However, all this self-absorption and slightly crepe behaviour is totally reinforcing the rightness of my decision to stop seeing him.

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