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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 2:54 pm 
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[quote="Imogen"] I keep getting text messages which state his current goings on. As in, no "how are you?" or interest in what I'm doing, just regular updates all about him and his life. /quote]
I think he has you confused with Twitter.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 11:51 am 
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My fiance is having bad mental health problems right now and it's wearing me out. I try to be supportive and I go to some of his appointments with him. He'll agree to certain boundaries established when we are with his therapist but then he disregards them. He'll call me 17 times in a row at the office where I actually can't talk on the phone. The other day he called me literally 68 times when I was at the bike shop working a 12 hours shift, where I can sometimes talk on the phone but not really now when it's "season". He has some pretty uncontrolled OCD even with the therapist's help it seems out of control to me. I don't want to leave him but he continually breaks down boundaries we've set up and I just don't know what to do. We agreed he can call me once and I will call him back when I can, but when he's in the heat of an episode he forgets these boundaries and complains I have "too many rules" and then he'll tweet or fb that I'm "ignoring" him and that's another rule that we agreed on with the therapist's help was to not talk about me in a negative light on social media. I almost feel like I may have to break up with him, but honestly, he hasn't been this intense before and I don't know if I should just stick around to the other side of it, which I fear may be at my expense. He saw me through a very hard depression this winter after my grandfather died who I couldn't visit much prior because I had pnuemonia for 3 months or so. The feedback I'm getting from my friends is that I should just leave him but I want to be there for him in his sickness and in his health. What say you ppk?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 12:13 pm 
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Is inpatient treatment an option for him? It sounds like he could benefit from it since outpatient treatment doesn't seem to be helping and it would also give you a break.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 12:20 pm 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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It's not really an option.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 12:30 pm 
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That's too bad.

I don't really have any advice but send you hugs. It must be frustrating that his treatment isn't working because his attending and involving you shows willingness to work on his illness. But if he can't respect boundaries you've set as part of that it has to suck. I'm sorry you are both going through this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 12:43 pm 
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thanks buddy.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 12:55 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
My fiance is having bad mental health problems right now and it's wearing me out...

I'm sending so many hugs - this is a horrible decision to have to make and I truly sympathise. My partner has been dealing with quite serious anxiety and depression and it's had a real effect on our relationship and on me, so I feel like I kind of know where you're coming from. I totally understand what it feels like to be worn out and just feel like you can't cope with it, with their issues, with their crises every time they occur. I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say that you're not alone in dealing with this.

I think, for me, being really firm about boundaries and being honest about the effect it has on me when they are broken has worked, even if I do still have to reiterate them occasionally. Taking time out for yourself, to be alone and to do things with friends, is really important too, though that's easier if you live apart.

I guess the real question is does the good outweigh the bad in your relationship and are you willing to wait and see (for an indeterminate amount of time) if anything changes?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 12:59 pm 
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Right now the good does not outweigh the bad, there's been other anxiety stuff he's pushed on my that I'd rather not write about here. And it's had seriously detrimental effects on some of my passions. That being said I was incredibly difficult during my depression, and would lay in bed all day just watching netflix for a solid month and refuse to want to do anything and he was there for me then.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 1:08 pm 
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You have my sympathy, it sounds incredibly difficult. I have been in your shoes and in my case, his mental health issues contributed in a significant way towards us getting divorced. I still sometimes think about the "in sickness" part of "in sickness and in health", but my counselor eventually said my own mental health mattered too.

That is not intended as advice, necessarily. But you're in my thoughts.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 2:20 pm 
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no advice, but hugs!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 2:37 pm 
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Thinking of you, fupa. Just something to think about - the sticking with someone thing... It feels like it's slightly looking at it the wrong way round to think that you somehow owe him because you had depression. It seems to me it's more like when you were depressed he had the mental reserves and was in a strong enough place to manage himself and to have energy left over to support you. Perhaps it might be worth thinking not about what does he need from you, but about what energy and strength do you have left over after you've looked after yourself. It sounds like the level of support he needs (based on what you've said here) is pretty far beyond what it would be possible for you (or anyone who isn't in a professional MH capacity) to give.

Don't have easy answers for you, or any real suggestions about what to do - just flagging up that you need to take care of you first and foremost.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 3:06 pm 
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Thanks guys, it means a lot. He's coming over tonight (we live apart) and I've got a grapefruit, so there's that.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 3:44 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
Thanks guys, it means a lot. He's coming over tonight (we live apart) and I've got a grapefruit, so there's that.

This made me laugh out loud.

ETA. I got distracted by your grapefruit comment. What I actually meant to say was that you have my sympathy.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 4:05 pm 
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Fupa, you're engaged to this guy, yes? Assuming that's the case, you both have to be willing to deal with each other's mental health issues going forward. It sounds like you're seeing the true severity of some of his issues for the first time right now, and it's (rightfully) freaking you out. Have you guys talked about your respective issues and what you want/need from a partner in terms of dealing with them in the long term? I don't mean to sound negative or like I'm trying to scare you or anything, but it seems highly unlikely this is going to be the last time your partner has an episode like this. It seems to me that if you guys are going to make a go of it, you need to learn to deal with it when it happens again. Otherwise, you'll just get stuck in a cycle where things are great when you're both feeling good, and then you're both looking for the door when things aren't going so great, and I don't imagine that will make either of you very happy. I'm not trying to sound like I'm saying you should break up. Your situation sounds really tough, and I sympathize.

Hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 4:15 pm 
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That's a really good point, and if has an episode in the future it could be more severe than what it is now. I mean if
we decide to move forward yeah I myself would need coping skills to be able work this relationship. I think he could benefit greatly from more behavioral therapy and I've suggested it but he feels like he can't afford anyone else.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 5:19 pm 
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fupack, you have my sympathy.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 7:27 pm 
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Say someone you were non-exclusively dating asked you not to go to a thing you kind of wanted to go to because she was going to be on a date at that thing. Well, there were two shows of the same thing and you wanted to go to the first one and she was going to the later one but she was going to get there early for drinks so you would overlap but it's a big space and you're an adult who can say hi politely and go on your way because who cares.

My reaction is said and done but I'm just curious if you all will think I'm irrational or not.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 7:29 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
Say someone you were non-exclusively dating asked you not to go to a thing you kind of wanted to go to because she was going to be on a date at that thing. Well, there were two shows of the same thing and you wanted to go to the first one and she was going to the later one but she was going to get there early for drinks so you would overlap but it's a big space and you're an adult who can say hi politely and go on your way because who cares.

My reaction is said and done but I'm just curious if you all will think I'm irrational or not.


If there are two shows and you are not going to the one she is... then I say go.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 7:31 pm 
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kfad wrote:
strawberryrock wrote:
Say someone you were non-exclusively dating asked you not to go to a thing you kind of wanted to go to because she was going to be on a date at that thing. Well, there were two shows of the same thing and you wanted to go to the first one and she was going to the later one but she was going to get there early for drinks so you would overlap but it's a big space and you're an adult who can say hi politely and go on your way because who cares.

My reaction is said and done but I'm just curious if you all will think I'm irrational or not.


If there are two shows and you are not going to the one she is... then I say go.


I'm already not going because it would be a Big Thing but I also got really mad that she felt like she could tell me not to go when it really does not bother me to be in the same general area when she's on a date and it's not like I would be doing anything weird, so we're not seeing each other anymore...I'm just curious about what other people would think/do.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 8:01 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
kfad wrote:
strawberryrock wrote:
Say someone you were non-exclusively dating asked you not to go to a thing you kind of wanted to go to because she was going to be on a date at that thing. Well, there were two shows of the same thing and you wanted to go to the first one and she was going to the later one but she was going to get there early for drinks so you would overlap but it's a big space and you're an adult who can say hi politely and go on your way because who cares.

My reaction is said and done but I'm just curious if you all will think I'm irrational or not.


If there are two shows and you are not going to the one she is... then I say go.


I'm already not going because it would be a Big Thing but I also got really mad that she felt like she could tell me not to go when it really does not bother me to be in the same general area when she's on a date and it's not like I would be doing anything weird, so we're not seeing each other anymore...I'm just curious about what other people would think/do.


My initial reaction is that I wouldn't be comfortable at all with being told not go to something by someone I was dating. Thinking about it a little more, I feel like it would kinda depend on how the person brought it up. If it were someone I were pretty comfortable with, and they made it like "Would you be okay with not going to this so I can have some space for this other person?" I would probably be okay with that. But if it seemed like I was being told what to do instead of being asked, or if I felt like they were being ambiguous about why they didn't want me there, then I would be uncomfortable, and I would probably interpret that as my not being comfortable enough with this person to continue dating them.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 8:10 pm 
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choirqueer wrote:
My initial reaction is that I wouldn't be comfortable at all with being told not go to something by someone I was dating. Thinking about it a little more, I feel like it would kinda depend on how the person brought it up. If it were someone I were pretty comfortable with, and they made it like "Would you be okay with not going to this so I can have some space for this other person?" I would probably be okay with that. But if it seemed like I was being told what to do instead of being asked, or if I felt like they were being ambiguous about why they didn't want me there, then I would be uncomfortable, and I would probably interpret that as my not being comfortable enough with this person to continue dating them.


I mostly felt like, this is a small town, if you're both dating multiple people that sort of thing happens and you just have to be adults about it. If she had told me that she were going on a date to something and THEN I was like, oh that sounds like fun I'll go, that would be weird. But I said I might go and then she was like no, don't go, I'm taking a date so I don't want you to. (And the fear is that we would be running into each other in a large space because I wanted to go to the 7:30 show and she was planning on getting to the bar at 8 and then going to the 10:00 show, and the bar and the show are in separate areas. We probably wouldn't have even seen each other.)

Also then when I told her I was upset about her telling me where I could and could not go she said I didn't care about her boundaries and used the word "rapey" so I'm officially never talking to you again. THAT'S SO MUCH LIKE RAPE GUYS.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 8:15 pm 
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rapey?! are you forking kidding me? I'm so glad you are done with her!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 8:33 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
choirqueer wrote:
My initial reaction is that I wouldn't be comfortable at all with being told not go to something by someone I was dating. Thinking about it a little more, I feel like it would kinda depend on how the person brought it up. If it were someone I were pretty comfortable with, and they made it like "Would you be okay with not going to this so I can have some space for this other person?" I would probably be okay with that. But if it seemed like I was being told what to do instead of being asked, or if I felt like they were being ambiguous about why they didn't want me there, then I would be uncomfortable, and I would probably interpret that as my not being comfortable enough with this person to continue dating them.


I mostly felt like, this is a small town, if you're both dating multiple people that sort of thing happens and you just have to be adults about it. If she had told me that she were going on a date to something and THEN I was like, oh that sounds like fun I'll go, that would be weird. But I said I might go and then she was like no, don't go, I'm taking a date so I don't want you to. (And the fear is that we would be running into each other in a large space because I wanted to go to the 7:30 show and she was planning on getting to the bar at 8 and then going to the 10:00 show, and the bar and the show are in separate areas. We probably wouldn't have even seen each other.)

Also then when I told her I was upset about her telling me where I could and could not go she said I didn't care about her boundaries and used the word "rapey" so I'm officially never talking to you again. THAT'S SO MUCH LIKE RAPE GUYS.


What the fork? She sounds like a crasshole.

I was sort of with CQ, where maaaaaaybe if she'd been, like, "Hey, this is a big favor to ask, but I have this date, and..." then it might possibly be okay, but her telling you what to do and where (not to) go and then saying you're RAPEY for not just doing what she says? Bullet: dodged.

Also, apropos of nothing, I was happy to run into you and Jess the other week. I'm sorry I wasn't more talkative, but my dad had just gotten into town, and was in the process of meeting my boyfriend, so I was a bit stressed.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 8:46 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
I was sort of with CQ, where maaaaaaybe if she'd been, like, "Hey, this is a big favor to ask, but I have this date, and..." then it might possibly be okay, but her telling you what to do and where (not to) go and then saying you're RAPEY for not just doing what she says? Bullet: dodged.

Also, apropos of nothing, I was happy to run into you and Jess the other week. I'm sorry I wasn't more talkative, but my dad had just gotten into town, and was in the process of meeting my boyfriend, so I was a bit stressed.


It's adorable that that happened at Sweet Hereafter! I hope it went well!

And yeah, even if I was being an unreasonable crasshole (which I don't think I was) I am 100% certain it was nothing like rape. I'm still in shock that she said that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 3:14 pm 
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Just had my uncle call me for the first time in months. I was seriously glad of the break because with the antics of the family it was all he talked about. In the few months break turns out absolutely zero changed. The family are still as manipulative and nasty as usual.

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