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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2014 11:19 am 
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I'm disappointed in my ex. I was planning on telling him privately if I started a new (actual, legit for all to see) relationship. Because I didn't want him to find out second hand through friends. Well, apparently he has a new gf and I have to find out through some random facebook comment. Thanks for the courtesy, bro.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2014 3:29 pm 
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fisticuffs wrote:
I started a new (actual, legit for all to see) relationship.


I'm happy for you!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 1:40 am 
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Haha, no. Note the 'if'. Still in limbo over here.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 9:51 am 
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Boooo.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 10:17 am 
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I spoke to my partner last night. Well, actually he spoke to me. He kind of realised that I'm not really bi anymore by himself, and finally decided to talk to me. He said he'd figured it out a few weeks ago, but at the time he felt really angry and was going to "confront" me but decided to work through his feelings first. The talk was good and I feel a lot better now, though I don't think he really understands why I didn't feel that I could talk to him before. I still don't think he realises how utterly powerless it makes me feel to be financially dependent on him. Anyway, he suggested that we wait a while, don't make any decisions without thinking them through. He suggested I go on some dates, find a girl/humanfriend, and we can take it from there.

I think he's pretty upset today though. He didn't say goodbye to me this morning and his text earlier seemed off. He's been super stressed with work anyway, so this isn't really a good time for him to have any more shiitake to worry about. I feel pretty bad though. I love him and never want to hurt him, but I guess there's no easy way to tell your opposite sex partner that you're gay.

I've edited my okc profile to gear it more towards dating, but ugh I suck at meeting people. I do feel happy in a way that he's been so good about it, but at the same time I feel like a terrible person.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 10:23 am 
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hugs Quail! This is gotta be really hard for both of you, but maybe especially him. Feeling bad won't help, I don't think.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 10:24 am 
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It is going to be hard for quite awhile, I'm sure. But I have heard of so many stories where eventually, the hurt fades and people in this situation become the best of friends! Good luck Quail!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 10:37 am 
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Is it really a good idea to be looking for other people to date under these circumstances?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 10:52 am 
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fezza wrote:
Is it really a good idea to be looking for other people to date under these circumstances?


Yeah, actually dating women isn't a requirement of being a lesbian. That sounds like a LOT at once.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 11:20 am 
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fezza wrote:
Is it really a good idea to be looking for other people to date under these circumstances?

Maybe you can focus on finding work/financial independence instead?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 11:31 am 
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Tigon wrote:
fezza wrote:
Is it really a good idea to be looking for other people to date under these circumstances?

Maybe you can focus on finding work/financial independence instead?


This is a good idea. It seems to me that you are aware that there is a fatal flaw in your relationship, but feel you are unable to leave because you rely on your partner financially. It sounds like he's being pretty reasonable about all of this, so maybe rather than use this time to date and find another relationship, it seems it would make the most sense for you to work toward becoming financially independent. I imagine neither you nor your current partner wants you to be making relationship decisions for solely financial reasons.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 1:58 pm 
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I need to finish this university course before I will be able to support myself. I'm hoping to have something lined up though (my course finishes in September).

We haven't been strictly monogamous for a while, so seeing other people wouldn't be a new thing exactly. I will talk to him more though and see how he's feeling, what he wants to do, etc. There's a lot of stuff to consider, I suppose, and I want whatever happens to be what's best for both of us. I don't really want to throw myself into another relationship, but it would be nice to meet people even if it's just for friendship.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 2:24 pm 
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fisticuffs wrote:
I'm disappointed in my ex. I was planning on telling him privately if I started a new (actual, legit for all to see) relationship. Because I didn't want him to find out second hand through friends. Well, apparently he has a new gf and I have to find out through some random facebook comment. Thanks for the courtesy, bro.



I am unaware that was a courteous thing. Is this often expected?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 2:48 pm 
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Adam Crisis wrote:
fisticuffs wrote:
I'm disappointed in my ex. I was planning on telling him privately if I started a new (actual, legit for all to see) relationship. Because I didn't want him to find out second hand through friends. Well, apparently he has a new gf and I have to find out through some random facebook comment. Thanks for the courtesy, bro.



I am unaware that was a courteous thing. Is this often expected?


I've never heard of it being a thing and I wouldn't do it myself. And I definitely wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt like they were obligated to tell their ex about me in some sort of special way.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 3:31 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
Adam Crisis wrote:
fisticuffs wrote:
I'm disappointed in my ex. I was planning on telling him privately if I started a new (actual, legit for all to see) relationship. Because I didn't want him to find out second hand through friends. Well, apparently he has a new gf and I have to find out through some random facebook comment. Thanks for the courtesy, bro.



I am unaware that was a courteous thing. Is this often expected?


I've never heard of it being a thing and I wouldn't do it myself. And I definitely wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt like they were obligated to tell their ex about me in some sort of special way.


I agree- I think depending on the circumstances it would be courteous, say, to let your ex know ahead of time if you're going to some event where you know they might be, and let them know that you and your new sweetheart will be there together, so that they're not surprised by it in front of other people, or something along those lines...but I wouldn't have thought it necessary to let them know before posting something about it on facebook?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 10:44 pm 
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Hey guys,

This is about my dad's side of the family, but this thread has seemed to become a catch all for relationships of any kind, so I hope it's okay to post here?

Some back story: My dad has never been a big part of my life (he broke up with my mom before she found out she was pregnant, so he's really never been there). My mom has always tried to get my dad involved with my life, but he would never show up or bail last minute. It's just gotten worse as I've gotten older, but now she can't really protect me from it, since I know exactly what is going on. Anyway, there have been a couple times over the years where my dad was like I'll come up for your birthday and we'll do something! But then the day of would call and bail. So for my 18th birthday she tried to get my dad, stepmom and younger sibblings to come up for a family birthday party for me. Like the weekend before my dad gives some bullshiitake excuse and they bail. My 20th, she tries to plan something again--same sort of situation. Last year a month before my birthday (21), my stepmom contacted my mom about them coming up, and my mom and her picked a weekend that worked for both of them, and my stepmom said they would talk again when it got closer, but it was a plan. A couple of weeks later, my mom hadn't heard from her, so she emailed my stepmom to make sure it was still on. Nope, my stepmom had forgot that was the plan (thanks, I feel so important) and made other plans that day, o it wasn't going to work. I saw them a week later for christmas, and they said that since it hadn't worked out, they'd come up for the day in January to celebrate. You can see where this is going, never heard from them again about it.

Anyway, my younger half sister (who is actually less than 9 months younger... yay for more past drama) is turning 21 this fall. Most of my siblings live in Portland, and she and I are super close, so the plan was for the siblings in the area to get together and for me to come down for her birthday. Today I get an email from my older half sister (I have a lot of siblings haha). Apparently the new plan is for everyone (all the Portland people are for sure, it seems) to go down to San Fransisco, where she lives, for a birthday weekend for my sister.

I'm trying not to take it personally, but I'm feeling really hurt by this. My dad and stepmom (and siblings in Portland) can't be bothered to drive the 3 hours to Seattle for the day for any of my birthdays (or just anything! none of my siblings came up for my graduation, but they went to my sisters), but when my little sister (who lived with all of them--we're all related through my dad) has a birthday, all of them have no problem making the time/spending tons of money to make it for her birthday.

It's stupid and petty, but I'm feeling really shitty about it. I called my mom to talk to her about it, and ended up crying on the phone with her for a while. I always feel like an outsider, since aside from the little sister whose birthday this is, the other siblings basically just ignore me most of the time. This is just another situation (it hasn't just been birthdays, that's just one example) where I feel so unimportant to them.

I love my family, and I don't think they realize how stuff like this makes me feel, but it just sucks.

My mom thinks I should try to talk to my dad about this, but i don't think it'll help. I don't know, sorry for the endless rambling, I just needed to vent.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:32 am 
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Simply_love, that sounds like a crappy situation. I don't have any solutions, but I'm sending you many hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:35 am 
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I don't think it's stupid or petty at all, your family are making a difference and that's pretty shitty of them. I'm sorry they're doing all that to you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2014 1:14 pm 
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Simply-Love, I know exactly what you are going through. I live away from family and am the only person who makes any sort of effort on trips or visits.

It sucks. It hurts like few people understand. (And I hate that they are always posting shiitake like "family first" and "anything for family". Because I know that doesn't apply to me.)

I hate that my family makes me cry at my age (45)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2014 2:22 pm 
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Thanks everyone<3

kfad:Thanks. My stepmom posts things like that, too. I've had to hide her on FB because it just makes it worse.

I wish I could blame the distance on this, but even when we lived 30 minutes away, this would happen. You're right, it hurts in a way most people don't get.

I responded to the email last night saying I'll have to see when it gets closer, which is true because I'm trying to find a new job and I don't know if I'll be able to take 4 or 5 days off in order to make it. I also just really don't want to go though, cause the whole situation just sounds like a recipe for disaster (8 extra people, with only room for 4 to sleep; having to deal with being pressured to drink and "live a little", ect.). My stepmom responded with: "No, no, no.... You have to be there! She cannot and will not turn 21 without your presence! Besides, it'll be a family reunion!".

^^ That is verbatim

I'm having to just ignore the email at the moment, because right now my response would probably be "I've gotten along just fine without any of you at my birthdays, I think she'll live."

I feel sort of bad. I want to celebrate with my little sister, because she doesn't' do this crepe, but not like this.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 1:02 pm 
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electric_claire wrote:
strawberryrock wrote:
Adam Crisis wrote:


I am unaware that was a courteous thing. Is this often expected?


I've never heard of it being a thing and I wouldn't do it myself. And I definitely wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt like they were obligated to tell their ex about me in some sort of special way.


I agree- I think depending on the circumstances it would be courteous, say, to let your ex know ahead of time if you're going to some event where you know they might be, and let them know that you and your new sweetheart will be there together, so that they're not surprised by it in front of other people, or something along those lines...but I wouldn't have thought it necessary to let them know before posting something about it on facebook?
I'm just saying how I feel, ok? We still keep in touch occassionaly, have a bunch of friends in common and were together for 9 years.
I'm not saying everyone should keep their exes informed about their new partners.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 1:26 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
Adam Crisis wrote:
fisticuffs wrote:
I'm disappointed in my ex. I was planning on telling him privately if I started a new (actual, legit for all to see) relationship. Because I didn't want him to find out second hand through friends. Well, apparently he has a new gf and I have to find out through some random facebook comment. Thanks for the courtesy, bro.



I am unaware that was a courteous thing. Is this often expected?


I've never heard of it being a thing and I wouldn't do it myself. And I definitely wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt like they were obligated to tell their ex about me in some sort of special way.

It's definitely a case-by-case thing, but in my circumstance, it meant a lot to me when my ex and I told each other we were seeing new people and/or starting serious new relationships (and I assume it meant a lot to him too). However, we were in an 11-year relationship before we parted and both valued remaining friends after our partnership was over. I can see how one might feel zero obligation to tell their ex of, say, a year about a new partner. I think whatever works is okay, as long everyone's feelings are taken into account.

BTW, my ex and I are still great friends and we know and love each other's new partners. In fact, I am hanging out with his new girlfriend- just the two of us- on Saturday.

ETA: fisticuffs replied while I was typing, but yeah, after being together for 9 years and still being on friendly/good terms, I think it would have been courteous of your feelings to give you a heads up that he's getting serious with someone new and that you're going to be seeing them together in social media. I think you have a fair gripe.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 1:38 pm 
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Simply_Love wrote:
I'm having to just ignore the email at the moment, because right now my response would probably be "I've gotten along just fine without any of you at my birthdays, I think she'll live."


I am the crotchety bad influence in this thread, because this is pretty much exactly what I would say. The way they're treating you may be unconscious but it's still unconscionable. Obviously the 'mature adults' (your dad and stepmom) are not with-it enough to realize that their flakiness and mind games are wreaking emotional havoc with you, but it sounds like you are close to your half-sister and more or less on the same level as her. Can you talk to her about this, privately, and explain the situation from your point of view? She sounds reasonable enough. Maybe you can plan something together, just the two of you, to jointly celebrate your 21st birthdays.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 4:20 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
Simply_Love wrote:
I'm having to just ignore the email at the moment, because right now my response would probably be "I've gotten along just fine without any of you at my birthdays, I think she'll live."


I am the crotchety bad influence in this thread, because this is pretty much exactly what I would say. The way they're treating you may be unconscious but it's still unconscionable. Obviously the 'mature adults' (your dad and stepmom) are not with-it enough to realize that their flakiness and mind games are wreaking emotional havoc with you, but it sounds like you are close to your half-sister and more or less on the same level as her. Can you talk to her about this, privately, and explain the situation from your point of view? She sounds reasonable enough. Maybe you can plan something together, just the two of you, to jointly celebrate your 21st birthdays.


Yep. I have told my sister that I will not be spending time with her until she can prioritize me or my kids. I had to when she called my children telling them they were going to go out to lunch and then called one of them "a problem" because my sister blew them off.

I say it all the time... relationships of any and all types take work. And if they won't put in the work, why should you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 7:04 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:

I am the crotchety bad influence in this thread, because this is pretty much exactly what I would say..


Haha, thanks. If I had been on the phone when she told me that, I probably actually would have. I'm going to talk to my little sister when it gets closer, and hopefully she'll be okay with planning a weekend for the two of us to celebrate.

I've pretty much decided that unless they pay for my plane ticket (not likely), I'm not going. And if I do go, there will probably be a discussion of, "Unless you start keeping plans you have with me, I'm done making an effort when you're not," because I'm really tired of situation that should be happy turning into crepe because I feel bad.

Thanks everyone <3


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