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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 5:46 pm 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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I keep flipping over what happened in my head with this last guy. I was so blinded by my feelings for him I never recognized his behavior as bad. I had so many regrets from my relationship prior, that I went in trying to be the best possible version of myself. I can honestly say I did the best I could which is solace in some form. I'm processing everything so much better than even a week ago.

The man I was with before the fiance, it took months to feel right and even when I started dating and eventually was in a new relationship I felt that I was still very much in love with him. I don't see it going that way at all this time around. The conversation I had with the therapist shook me to the core it's going to be easy to move forward because of that.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 6:23 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
I had so many regrets from my relationship prior, that I went in trying to be the best possible version of myself. I can honestly say I did the best I could which is solace in some form. I'm processing everything so much better than even a week ago.


I can relate a lot to that. My last serious relationship before this current break-up was 11 years long and started when we were both 20, a lot different, and a lot less mature. We both made our fair share of mistakes and worked through emotional growth as individuals and as a couple. It was kind of freeing in a way to put all the relationship skills I'd learned to use with a guy where that history wasn't there and I could seem like Awesome Girlfriend from Day 1.

I'm really sorry you ended up being in a bad relationship, but I'm glad to hear you're processing it well and moving forward healthily (is that a word?). I guess you can think of it as a dress rehearsal for the 'best possible version' and know that now you've got the functional relationship skills down pat you can focus on making sure your next relationship is deserving of those skills.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 6:36 pm 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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Aww, thanks dude it means a lot.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 9:06 pm 
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And I always like to think, when I'm feeling glum about something: You did what felt right with the information that was provided to you at the time. (provided either to you by someone else, or by you about your own self!)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:04 am 
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Because Bob Barker Told Me To
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I saw my ex a few days ago for the first time in over a year. We hadn't spoken or seen each other since school ended and we moved out last year. (For those who don't know/don't remember: we broke up in January and ended up living together still until June and it was all sorts of fun times). I was running and passed like a foot from him, but I really just didn't know what to do in that situation, so I just pretended he wasn't there (I was wearing sunglasses and had headphones on, so I decided it was totally plausible for me not to have noticed him and I wasn't just being a jerk...right?). It was super surprising to see him, since he was suppose to have graduated last month and move back to CA.

Ever since then I've been debating about texting or FB him just to catch up a bit. He was a really manipulative and unkind boyfriend, but he was a really good friend before we started dating, and I miss that. I know he is definitely not a healthy person for me to have in my life, and I had pretty much excepted I'd never see him again once I thought he had graduated, but now that I know he is still here, I just feel like... I don't know, there is a chance for some real closure?

I should probably just not contact him, since I think seeing him would just either bring up old feelings (I saw my highschool fling over Christmas break and was massively crushing on him again for like a month after haha) or just make me feel like I did after we broke up (I pretty much hated myself after that relationship. He would put me down when we'd fight and put everything on me--even stuff he did, like blowing off plans--- and I pretty much felt like I was a horrible person and deserved everything that was happening by then).

I guess I've pretty much answered my own question. Thanks for letting me ramble ppk.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 9:55 am 
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It sounds like you've already made up your mind, but I heard Dan Savage say a smart thing recently with respect to the closure aspect: closure isn't something someone else gives you; it's something you negotiate for yourself. If you want closure in this situation, counting on your ex to give it to you (particularly since your ex was a crappy partner) is likely to lead to disappointment. Instead, maybe turn your mind toward overcoming some of the difficulties you had in this relationship and breaking unhealthy patterns you may have set up.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 10:45 am 
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jordanpattern wrote:
It sounds like you've already made up your mind, but I heard Dan Savage say a smart thing recently with respect to the closure aspect: closure isn't something someone else gives you; it's something you negotiate for yourself. If you want closure in this situation, counting on your ex to give it to you (particularly since your ex was a crappy partner) is likely to lead to disappointment. Instead, maybe turn your mind toward overcoming some of the difficulties you had in this relationship and breaking unhealthy patterns you may have set up.
This is really good advice, and it's very connected to what Erika says above about using the trial and error of a past relationship in hindsight to work on the stuff that works and the stuff that doesn't and/or that you'd like to change. I've been very happy with my partner for 10 years now, and we rarely even disagree about anything. But we both say that one of the reasons we work so well together is that we'd each spent a long time in partnerships where there were patterns and behaviors that really didn't work, and that we had to deal with on our own before we could bring a "good parts" version of our relationship selves to someone new. Your relationship with your past partner is part of your past; there's nothing to fix or work on there because it is over. Even if it turned out someday that you become platonic friends, or just friendly acquaintances, that would be a different relationship (although I'm bound to say he doesn't sound like someone who'd be a very good friend). I think you're right to forget about him, look out for yourself, do what is best for who you are and what you want, and point your feet towards the future!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 12:47 pm 
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I'm aiming to go the whole year alcohol-free (since January) but I was saying to my boyfriend that I kind of felt like having a drink after the trying day I've had at work. He replied that he wouldn't judge me, and he thought it was really great that I'd done six months of my challenge. This is typical of him - he's so supportive and non-judgemental. And he was really pleased when I told him that things like what he just said often make me think about how grateful I feel to have him in my life. I really should remember to tell him how great he is more often!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 6:39 pm 
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dropscone wrote:
I'm aiming to go the whole year alcohol-free (since January) but I was saying to my boyfriend that I kind of felt like having a drink after the trying day I've had at work. He replied that he wouldn't judge me, and he thought it was really great that I'd done six months of my challenge. This is typical of him - he's so supportive and non-judgemental. And he was really pleased when I told him that things like what he just said often make me think about how grateful I feel to have him in my life. I really should remember to tell him how great he is more often!


It *is* really great that you've gone 6 months. Maybe if you do have a drink it would be interesting to see if it's even something you want in your life anymore or if it's just something you're remembering over fondly.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 7:43 pm 
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I'm super crampy and I have a head cold, so T told me to go take a long hot shower. When I came out, he was in the kitchen making cookies for me! Just because!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 3:30 pm 
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I'm in this annoying headspace right now where I know I'm not quite ready to date yet but I find myself constantly thinking about it because a part of me just wants to get it over with. I miss the ease and security of a relationship with someone who knows me and respects me, and I want to get back to that with someone else. But I know I need to gird myself for the fray of finding that person once again.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 6:06 pm 
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Erika, everyone always says you find friends and partners best when you aren't actively trying or looking for them. I think it's true, so maybe give yourself the space you need from dating and satisfy the urge to find someone by getting into more social settings like groups you are interested in on meetup, local exercise stuff, whatever structured activities you can find that you can afford and want to do. That way you'll be exposing yourself to groups of people to meet every week or whatever and can get to know new people you may be interested in. At the very least you learn something new, get in shape, and make friends, so there is no way to lose even if you don't find a dating interest.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 6:32 pm 
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it's that time of the year again!
random one line email from my mother asking why she doesn't hear from me anymore. I am wondering if I should just cut and paste the last response I made to the last email (which she never responded to).


ETA: I replied with a "when will you be on skype again? love t". It is the kind of jerky rude response that I hate, but as I said, I don't have a lot of remaining goodwill to invest here.
But then I got another message (gmail has been weird today) saying she went to two events this summer where people have been asking how Baggy was and she feels strange because she doesn't know how to respond. I kind of want to say, "tell them you don't know because you don't really give a shiitake about her and don't keep in touch." Le sigh.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 1:24 am 
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Hugs, torque. If she's ballsy enough to have basically cut you out of her life, she should be ballsy enough to sat so up front. Not your problem! (But hooray for people who do want updates on Baggy and her life!)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 3:50 am 
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At home with NatureBoy for two months! Yesterday I already freaked out about how I am (relatively) dependent here while he is (relatively) independent, plus other limitations (no cheap/endless 3G so I can't just get lost and map my way home; the farm shops only accept Danish bank cards so I can't do our groceries; all of my Danish friends live at least 2 hours away, etc. etc.). I'm puzzled that that happened on day 1, usually it's day 10 or so. I hope this means I can now have a peaceful summer.

This month is our anniversary month, and I'm so happy about that, for so many reasons. Still not sure how we will be able to manage this/living together long term (he likes his company, but the places he can work are not places where I can work; he earns enough to support both of us, but dudes, I don't want to be a housewife), but so far, it's really nice. We counted on Saturday, and figured we had 3.5 months of in person time together in the past year. Not bad considering our distances and schedules!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 5:14 am 
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Mars wrote:
Like I just want someone who knows all the words to Hair and West Side Story is that so much to ask?


I do not know all the words, but I would be willing to watch them and sing along enough times to learn them! :D

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 12:32 pm 
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lutin wrote:
plus other limitations (no cheap/endless 3G so I can't just get lost and map my way home;


Does he have a car gps you could use?

Otherwise get a map and a compass? It could be fun to learn how to use the combination of a map and a compass.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 12:48 pm 
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+100 for map and compass!! I am a big one for paper maps, even if you just print out local maps and use them. good skills!

i need to stop moaning about my mother for a moment and say, Mr T really has been coming through for me lately. I've been dealing with some bizarre work things (like my ex-translation partner just apparently shooting me in the back in front of clients, after getting kicked by agencies lately), the kid has been complicated, and my computer is on the fritz. The last straw was my Clarisonic breaking, which if you're not familiar, is a face massage brush that costs a shitload of money but which has finally made my skin look acceptable and not like i have some sort of transmittable disease. I mentioned that it was broken and that it may be the thing that finally leads me to go completely batshit insane.
Yesterday I came into the kitchen to see him with his multimeter and his welding kit, zapping the wires in the guts of the brush. The damn thing had somehow had water leak inside, and everything rusted, and he carefully scraped the hell out of everything and rewelded it all. It works again. AWESOME! I live to have a meltdown some other day.
It's nice to have a partner who can do the things you can't, so I made him some sun-dried tomato and spinach gnocchi in garlic and olive oil and basil in return.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 12:58 pm 
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torque wrote:
sun-dried tomato and spinach gnocchi in garlic and olive oil and basil.


Whoa.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 1:43 pm 
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Torque, that sounds so yummy. And I share your feelings on having a partner who can do things you can't. That was such a nice thing for him to do for you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:48 pm 
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torque, that sounds awesome!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 1:04 am 
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choirqueer wrote:
Mars wrote:
Like I just want someone who knows all the words to Hair and West Side Story is that so much to ask?


I do not know all the words, but I would be willing to watch them and sing along enough times to learn them! :D

Hehe! Well unfortunately, I kiiiiinda want to live in the same city as said person... but we ever find ourselves in the same city we should definitely have a musical night!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 2:07 am 
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Moon wrote:
Torque, that sounds so yummy. And I share your feelings on having a partner who can do things you can't. That was such a nice thing for him to do for you.


This! What a wonderful exchange.

Thanks also for suggesting GPS. NatureBoy just inherited an awesome one from his dad; I will ask if we can put local maps on it so I can use it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 8:02 am 
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Yes, very nice torque. Especially after all the struggles.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:58 pm 
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I'm super behind on this thread (and the ppk), but torque it is great that mr t was so helpful and lutin I'm so excited for you!

I'm traveling again and my guy is, once again, super amazing. I was only home for 2.5 months (after 6.5 away) and he was okay with me leaving for 2 more months. This time it's weird because I have a cell phone, so we are in pretty good contact which makes me miss him way more than when I was gone for longer but not in touch as much. Although, to be honest, I love having all this time on my moto to think about our wedding and life and all the possibilities... which I didn't do last trip, maybe because I didn't know how it would be coming back after 6 months away. This time, I'm secure that he's there for me and things will be awesome when I get back. And he is even more amazing because he encouraged me to go 800 miles in the "wrong" direction to go to the Oregon Country Fair, knowing it would delay my return by another week. I miss him tons but I wouldn't give up my adventures for anything but I can't wait to see him in 24ish days.


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