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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:04 pm 
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sometimes i catch a glance of my boyfriend and i get butterflies in my stomach again...i feel all crushy and instead of just watching him secretly i can go up and give him a kiss...

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 1:22 pm 
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missmuffcake wrote:
sometimes i catch a glance of my boyfriend and i get butterflies in my stomach again...i feel all crushy and instead of just watching him secretly i can go up and give him a kiss...


Awwwwww :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 2:36 pm 
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missmuffcake wrote:
sometimes i catch a glance of my boyfriend and i get butterflies in my stomach again...i feel all crushy and instead of just watching him secretly i can go up and give him a kiss...


awwwww! Cuteness!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 2:56 pm 
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So much warm fuzziness here. Oh, he's so wonderful. And thinks I'm wonderful. Fuzzy fuzzy fuzzy.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:15 am 
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Well, something interesting happened the other day. K messaged me, first time since like middle Oct... we went for a beer on Wed and caught up, and I asked him about why he contacted me. He was super sincere and it felt really warm and pleasant. Well, whatever he's wanting out of this I'm not sure, but whatever is that case, it feels pretty nice and validating. It was pretty confusing when it ended, but I also feel soooo much healthier now within myself as an independent adult-person. So who knows, it may not have been as one-sided as it felt at the time. Anyways, was sweet.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 3:58 am 
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I have a friend situation that I need some input on.

M and I have been friends for about 10 years. She was one of my best friends for a long time, we've been on several international trips together, she drove with me when I moved from Colorado to Florida, etc. We haven't lived in the same state (AL) since 2010, but we've kept in touch (mostly through facebook). In that time, we've grown apart considerably. In Alabama, I tried to be the person I felt I was expected to be, and since leaving have shifted to the person that I actually am - obviously a tremendously freeing experience. At the same time, she got marriend to a guy who is basically a carbon copy of her. They feed off of each other, so anything she already felt strongly about has become borderline militant. Our political views are completely opposite, and I had to block her on facebook for about a year because of all her Obama bashing. I'm pretty liberal, and she's become hyper conservative. I can deal with different views, but not when they become extremist and full of vitriol. But even that I felt I could handle, just because of our history.

About 2 weeks ago, I had that moment when I questioned whether I need to just remove her from my life. I heard that someone we had both worked with had passed away in an auto accident. He had iffy morals (he stole from the company we worked for), but was actually a pretty nice guy. I sent her a message on fb linking to the article and her entire response was "that's karma". The same week, a guy who used to play football for the college team that she's a fan of also died in an auto accident. For the guy that she never met, she changed her fb profile picture to his jersey number and posted all kinds of articles about wearing seatbelts and how she can't believe that this happened. I didn't respond to her karma message, because I was completely speechless. The skewed compassion is mind boggling. How can she be so passionate about some guy just because he played football, and give zero shiitakes about someone that she worked with for over a year?

I guess if I'm being honest, there's not really anything positive that she's adding to my life right now. She's someone who was important to me at one time, and we have some fun and awesome history together. But we're so different at this point, that I don't even know what we'd talk about if we were together. I suppose I know the answer, but I don't want that to be the answer. This is tough.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 8:03 am 
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Honestly zelavie, I see no harm in that kind of friend break-up, especially if you don't feel either of you are getting anything from each other in the relationship. I'd say let her go quietly, because I don't like confrontation, and chances are she might be feeling weird about you as well if you've both grown away from who you used to be together. It's awkward sometimes, but I've grown away from a lot of once close friends, and it is usually mutually accepted.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 8:08 am 
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Oh and I have a nauseating smiles. Sorry guys! My husband and I sat on the couch last night doing nothing for hours and just occasionally bringing anecdotal reference to our many experiences together and how much we love each other. Our two cats were sitting with us on the love seat all night and I was like "I am making myself want to puke by how cute our family is." After a really stressful week at work I felt so lucky.

Also, I am making a new friend! This is important because we just moved to a new part of the world where we don't know anyone, and I'm pretty shy. But this woman is amazing--so interesting, so caring, so easy to talk to, and she's pretty much the only friend I've ever been close to that has kids that aren't babies, and I am just so in awe of her mothering and energy (I love kids that are older than 10--anything younger freaks me right out). And next weekend I am going to teach her and another new friend how to make seitan!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 10:10 am 
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I miss my ex fiance. I keep having these vivid dreams about him and I wake up in a panic. The nights when I have those dreams the next day is pretty soul crushing. I'm just trying to remember the bad times so the hurt goes away. Luckily he's stopped contacting me which is helpful.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 11:37 am 
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After my break-up I had dreams like that 6x a week for at least three or four months and now I have them like once every two weeks maybe? So...hope?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 11:55 am 
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Yeah, I guess. It's just so hard to go from talking to someone everyday all day and planning on getting married to.. nothing overnight. It's hard to remember that he isn't good for me sometimes. It's doesn't help that I have my own baggage where I put up with pretty much whatever from my partners.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:04 pm 
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It took me like 5 months to fully completely totally cut off contact with my ex. It's still a little hard. Not because I feel anything for him, but he really was my best friend and so convenient to vent to. I just post on the ppk more. See, you guys, this is what it's like to be in a relationship with me!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:15 pm 
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I PPK more too! And I do miss her like crazy because she is my favorite person in the universe (but I also don't really have bad things about our relationship to focus on) but it is SO hard to move forward if you're still communicating. Are you getting support from real life friends you can talk to?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:16 pm 
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Yeah I am but honestly I think people are sick of hearing me cry about it.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:45 pm 
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Yeah I get that. I am kind of embarrassed of how I still end up crying every single time I go out with friends. Now I'm seeing a therapist who has to listen to me cry because I pay her! If you wanna gchat feel free.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:00 pm 
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thanks!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 4:55 pm 
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oh man so an ex of mine who is a pretty cool person but was reaaalllyyyy angry at me for a long time lives in this city (where I am currently visiting) and I was worried about bumping into her so of course I did bump in to her within seconds of being in town, but good news! she no longer hates me, and is in fact in a relationship with an artist who I did some master printing for a while ago, and this same artist later got me a job with HER ex doing print work! smallest world, and I'm really relieved that this particular ex of mine is happy and healthy and not mad at me anymore for leaving her, and we're going to have coffee tomorrow and hopefully be friends again.

I've actually run in to three exes this summer who had previously regarded me (rightfully) with bitterness and distain and I was able to actually apologize and listen to their thoughts+feelings about what happened and actually get and give some closure and with all three. I am now on neutral to good terms and I feel like this is a huge important thing for my own romantic life too, I've got three fewer burnt bridges in the wake of my relationship history. growing + healing + making amends, super glad I had the totally unexpected opportunity on three separate occasions!!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 9:28 pm 
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Oh, that's so great boober! I've been in the same situation with one of my exes. He only lives ten blocks away, but up until recently, we never ran into each other and it's been like, five times this month. But we've managed to become friends (and our dogs love each other, so, there's that).

I hope the best for you both, s-rock and fupa.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 11:32 pm 
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my boyfriend took me out for vegan pizza & drinks! date night <3!

Image

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2014 1:47 am 
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jordanpattern wrote:
It sounds like you've already made up your mind, but I heard Dan Savage say a smart thing recently with respect to the closure aspect: closure isn't something someone else gives you; it's something you negotiate for yourself. If you want closure in this situation, counting on your ex to give it to you (particularly since your ex was a crappy partner) is likely to lead to disappointment. Instead, maybe turn your mind toward overcoming some of the difficulties you had in this relationship and breaking unhealthy patterns you may have set up.

Desdemona wrote:
jordanpattern wrote:
It sounds like you've already made up your mind, but I heard Dan Savage say a smart thing recently with respect to the closure aspect: closure isn't something someone else gives you; it's something you negotiate for yourself. If you want closure in this situation, counting on your ex to give it to you (particularly since your ex was a crappy partner) is likely to lead to disappointment. Instead, maybe turn your mind toward overcoming some of the difficulties you had in this relationship and breaking unhealthy patterns you may have set up.
This is really good advice, and it's very connected to what Erika says above about using the trial and error of a past relationship in hindsight to work on the stuff that works and the stuff that doesn't and/or that you'd like to change. I've been very happy with my partner for 10 years now, and we rarely even disagree about anything. But we both say that one of the reasons we work so well together is that we'd each spent a long time in partnerships where there were patterns and behaviors that really didn't work, and that we had to deal with on our own before we could bring a "good parts" version of our relationship selves to someone new. Your relationship with your past partner is part of your past; there's nothing to fix or work on there because it is over. Even if it turned out someday that you become platonic friends, or just friendly acquaintances, that would be a different relationship (although I'm bound to say he doesn't sound like someone who'd be a very good friend). I think you're right to forget about him, look out for yourself, do what is best for who you are and what you want, and point your feet towards the future!


Sorry for not responding, but thank you both so much!

I meant more of closure on our friendship? If that makes sense? ha, probably not, but I definitly agree closure can only come from yourself. I'm really happy and in a really good place, and I defiently don't need to screw it up by inviting him back into my life in any way.

Thanks again!

Also, the universe has decided to be a jerk. We lived one block away from each other the past ten months and I hadn't seen him even once until last week. And then I saw him again a few days ago (totally different day and time, so even more random). Seriosuly?! I don't run into him at all for ten months, but then twice in two weeks?! I totally started laughing when I saw him this week, since how ridicously it was haha.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2014 1:48 am 
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Also, that is a really sweet picture missmuffincake! You both looks so happy.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2014 12:10 pm 
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Aw, missmuffincake, that is such a cute picture and sounds like an amazing date!

I woke up today in a complete funk about my relationship because my partner was being a complete jerk in my dream while we were trying to out run the nuclear blast (so, clearly, a realistic fight). He's been quite lovely all day though so I suppose I need to stop being annoyed with what he did in my dream.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2014 12:16 pm 
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Cuuute MMC!

Fizzgig wrote:
I woke up today in a complete funk about my relationship because my partner was being a complete jerk in my dream while we were trying to out run the nuclear blast (so, clearly, a realistic fight). He's been quite lovely all day though so I suppose I need to stop being annoyed with what he did in my dream.


My husband's been a total dick in my dreams three times this past week. What the hell resting brain?! He's rad!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2014 1:35 pm 
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I agree, such a sweet picture!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2014 1:42 pm 
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jojo wrote:
Cuuute MMC!

Fizzgig wrote:
I woke up today in a complete funk about my relationship because my partner was being a complete jerk in my dream while we were trying to out run the nuclear blast (so, clearly, a realistic fight). He's been quite lovely all day though so I suppose I need to stop being annoyed with what he did in my dream.


My husband's been a total dick in my dreams three times this past week. What the hell resting brain?! He's rad!

Last night I dreamt my boyfriend had hired movers to clear out my entire house after he got me away for a couple of days on a pretext. At first I was annoyed but then it was actually quite refreshing having a bare house. I woke up thinking it had been a good idea after all.

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