| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Fri Nov 28, 2014 8:46 am

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4579 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 159, 160, 161, 162, 163, 164, 165 ... 184  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 4:50 pm 
Offline
Just Loathin' Around!
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:17 pm
Posts: 7342
Location: bindlestiff
Getting angry can be a great and motivating thing. It has nothing to do with getting in a fight.

_________________
I sure do love beige food covered in gravy. -the wise rachell37

Panda With Cookie


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 5:27 pm 
Offline
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
User avatar

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2010 4:57 pm
Posts: 6516
Location: Boston, MA
AP, I heart you. No advice, and certainly no judgment other than thinking you're the bee's knees and the cat's pajamas.

_________________
I would eat Dr. Cow pocket cheese in a second. I would eat it if you hid it under your hat, or in your backpack, but not if it was in your shoe. That's where I draw the line. -allularpunk


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 5:35 pm 
Offline
Who's Ted Leo?
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:44 pm
Posts: 7151
Location: Modesto, CA
ap - sending you love, i wish i could make it less hard for you.

_________________
The Stay At Home Girlfriend: A zine that focuses on
vegan recipes, cat love and living with OCD.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/missmuffcake


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 6:21 pm 
Offline
Bought A BRAND NEW CAR!
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:47 pm
Posts: 2190
Location: Western North Carolina
Much love and support AP. You do know what is really right for you!! Getting hormones and heart to match is hard.

_________________
Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 7:06 pm 
Offline
TOTALLY CRADICAL
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:42 am
Posts: 4128
Location: Smugville, CA
AP, I'm really sorry you're going through this rough patch. I know from recent experience how much it sucks to confront an issue that is a big sore thumb in an otherwise happy relationship, especially when that issue is over something enormously big and non-compromiseable (marriage in your case, kids in mine).

There's no one thing anyone can say to make the feels go away. The feels are gonna be there. And one day they'll be there less, and soon enough you'll know they're there but you can move on and they'll be happy memories instead of painful reminders.

That said, everyone in here has some cracking advice and comfort.

As for this,

allularpunk wrote:

Buhhhh. None of my relationships ever work out.


I don't always see eye to eye with Dan Savage, but damn if he doesn't have some good sayings. "Every relationship you have will fail.... until one doesn't."

Alternately, you don't have to see it as a failure. You loved someone, you were loved back, and I'm certain you grew as a person and learned valuable lessons you can apply in your next relationship. That doesn't sound like failing to me.

Sorry again that you are dealing with these tough thoughts and decisions right now.

_________________
Crazy rating: Double plus crazytown bananapants ~Jordanpattern
"It's, you know, your typical Portland restaurant; bowls." ~Kittee
Sews Before Bros


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 7:11 pm 
Offline
Dead by dawn
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:54 pm
Posts: 7990
Location: Seattle
+1 to what Erika (and Dan Savage) said about "failed" relationships. Learning something about yourself and what you will and won't accept out of a relationship is the opposite of failure. Or as my mom would put it, it's "failing forward."

Hugs and hearts to you. Even amicable splits for good reasons hurt. If the PPK has been hard on you it was from a place of caring and wanting the best for you.

_________________
facebook
"The PPK: Come for the pie; stay for the croissants." - tinglepants!
"Cockblocked by Richard Branson- again!" - Erika Soyf*cker


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 7:40 pm 
Offline
Flat Chesty McNoBoobs
User avatar

Joined: Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:41 am
Posts: 7661
Location: Portland
AP, you know I've been pretty outspoken about the posts you've made here about your relationship with T, but please know that despite my reactions to things you've posted, I am very sorry you're hurting.

I've been in that spot where you are, where you want to work on things and build something real and lasting, while your partner isn't interested in putting in that work. It's hurtful, and it can make you feel crazy. This might sound weird, but I just started reading a book on co-dependency, and while I know it's an old concept, I actually didn't know what it really meant until, well, yesterday. The book is resonating in a big way with me, and I suspect it might strike a chord with you too, particularly since it discusses the habit many codependents have of getting into relationships with damaged/pathological/ill/unavailable/whatever people over and over again. Feel free to PM me if you'd like the name of the book, or if you just want to vent.

<3

_________________
If you spit on my food I will blow your forking head off, you filthy shitdog. - Mumbles
Don't you know that vegan meat is the gateway drug to chicken addiction? Because GMO and trans-fats. - kaerlighed


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 7:40 pm 
Offline
Flat Chesty McNoBoobs
User avatar

Joined: Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:41 am
Posts: 7661
Location: Portland
Oh, and I agree with everything Panda has said. ONWARD.

_________________
If you spit on my food I will blow your forking head off, you filthy shitdog. - Mumbles
Don't you know that vegan meat is the gateway drug to chicken addiction? Because GMO and trans-fats. - kaerlighed


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 7:42 pm 
Offline
TOTALLY CRADICAL
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:42 am
Posts: 4128
Location: Smugville, CA
missmuffcake wrote:
how do you connect with your SO after being apart all day? some days we go for coffee/tea and other days to the gym after work....however monday is a day that is pretty free in terms of any time to connect.


If you live together, and you're doing activities together every other weekday after work (and ostensibly on weekends, too), maybe it would be good for your relationship to keep Monday open as a versatile window of time. In past relationships, sometimes it was just nice to know they're in the same house as me as I get on with whatever I'm doing.

_________________
Crazy rating: Double plus crazytown bananapants ~Jordanpattern
"It's, you know, your typical Portland restaurant; bowls." ~Kittee
Sews Before Bros


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 8:13 pm 
Offline
Has it on Blue Vinyl
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 11:13 pm
Posts: 2184
Location: NYC/Schenectady, NY
AP I'm so sorry you are hurting.

_________________
If a milkshake is going to change the world then it should be at least be an Oreo one. - daisychain


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 8:27 pm 
Offline
Bought a used copy of Natural Harvest
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:29 pm
Posts: 6204
Location: Land of Maple and Beavers
AP, like JoPa said, I'm sure my tough love to you in this thread has not been the easiest to hear. But I have always believed that you deserve so much better than he's willing to give you and it always made me mad on your behalf. I truly do wish you the very best in whatever happens, and I know that you're an absolute catch that someone will value for all you're worth.

_________________
Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumbles
Is this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 8:37 pm 
Offline
Banned from Vegan Freaks.
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:27 pm
Posts: 347
Location: outerspace, ca
i just wanted to chime in with some love and support for everyone! i am an extremely private person who can't "chit chat" at all (which often leads to feelings of isolation...) and feel awkward posting on a board about personal things, but i so so so relate to many things posted here. i too feel like all my relationships "never work out", romantic or otherwise. and reading the advice and encouragement here is really inspiring and heart-warming, and also helps me reflect on my own sentiments and beliefs about what makes a good relationship.

i also wanted to chime in to lutin - your experiences with your dad sound almost exactly like mine. many years ago, i stopped communicating with him because he just could not hear me or see me, and kept pushing the same hateful agenda. (similar situation - angry over divorce from my mum, and about many life choices i've made for myself.) after many years of silence, just this year he's been able to send me messages that are kind, short, and have no strings attached. it's a shock really! and i keep my replies short and to the point, and don't let the conversation go any further (because that's when it usually derails.) and it's fine. i have no regrets about this.

so, to sum up, i am +1ing the advice that it is definitely okay to put down hard lines with your dad. i hope that you find a way to handle the situation that leaves you feeling regret-free.

jordanpattern - i'd love to know the name of the book you are reading!

_________________
boo....!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 9:00 pm 
Offline
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
User avatar

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2010 4:57 pm
Posts: 6516
Location: Boston, MA
monkeytoes wrote:
+1 to what Erika (and Dan Savage) said about "failed" relationships. Learning something about yourself and what you will and won't accept out of a relationship is the opposite of failure. Or as my mom would put it, it's "failing forward."

Hugs and hearts to you. Even amicable splits for good reasons hurt. If the PPK has been hard on you it was from a place of caring and wanting the best for you.


Erika Soyf*cker wrote:

I don't always see eye to eye with Dan Savage, but damn if he doesn't have some good sayings. "Every relationship you have will fail.... until one doesn't."

Alternately, you don't have to see it as a failure. You loved someone, you were loved back, and I'm certain you grew as a person and learned valuable lessons you can apply in your next relationship. That doesn't sound like failing to me.

Sorry again that you are dealing with these tough thoughts and decisions right now.


I love how they put it. Personally, I am still dealing with my feelings surrounding my break up, but I wouldn't be the person I am now without the relationship, so I'm grateful for it. While I don't know if I'll ever be ready for another romantic relationship, I do hold out hope that there will be someone with whom I... I don't know. Someone who just fits. I know the person will have faults, but they'll be quirky and endearing and not make me compromise on any big life stuff. (ETA That's what I hope for all of us. Romantic, family, community-wise even. Acceptance and celebration of who we are.)

I think you're a remarkable woman, AP, and I admire you.

_________________
I would eat Dr. Cow pocket cheese in a second. I would eat it if you hid it under your hat, or in your backpack, but not if it was in your shoe. That's where I draw the line. -allularpunk


Last edited by ndpittman on Mon Jul 14, 2014 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 9:00 pm 
Offline
Seagull of the PPK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 8393
Location: Brasil
big hugs and lots of strength to everybody. sounds like we all could use some.

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 10:45 pm 
Offline
WELFARIST!
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:08 pm
Posts: 5107
Location: WV
Thanks for all the love and support. I feel like I know what I need to do, but I'm not ready yet.

Regarding what ndpittman said about having someone just...fit: I have felt like most of the guys I've dated have fit perfectly for the first, oh, 6 months, and them it always goes bad. I felt like T and I fitted better than any other, until we didn't. I don't even know what happened. One day he was going out of his way to be awesome to me and doing little things to make me happy, then those things got fewer and further apart, and instead of falling into long term comfort, he jut seems angry at me for being around and caring about him. I don't think I changed anything, but who knows. I just don't understand what went wrong.

_________________
But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


Awesome. Vegan. Rad.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:47 pm 
Offline
Plays The Sims 2 religiously
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:20 pm
Posts: 7679
Location: Portland, OR
allularpunk wrote:
I just don't understand what went wrong.

Only thing that went wrong is that it just wasn't the right relationship for you. No shame in that, you can't know until you try sometimes.

_________________
i would schmear marmite on a moist scrotum for Mars. - interrobang?!
"Not everything." ~ mumbles (1973-2013) - mumbles


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2014 12:44 am 
Offline
Nailed to the V
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:19 pm
Posts: 533
Location: TN
i really appreciate a lot of what's been said in these last few pages. thank you very much to all who've shared-- it's resonated a lot w/ me.

i came in here to post about a convo that happened to me and my partner tonight.

we decided to move in together about a year into our relationship and we've been cohabiting since March... there's still some kinks we're working out-- namely w/ housework bc i'm dually a clean freak, but don't mind some messes-- the dining room table is frequently covered w/ my mail. anyway, i've found myself taking over a large part of the house work, which i'm mostly fine w/ bc i actually enjoy most house work, but i've been trying to voice it as i've felt myself spending more time than i would like w/ it and becoming jealous as i see him finding time for some pleasurable activities which i've lacked the time for. so, tonight we had a bit of a discussion over it bc it was his day off while i worked and i'd asked him to do a few things, one of which was laundry; anyway i think there was a miscommunication, but he only did one load (and never folded it) while there were a few loads to do....

but what's really amazing about this is that i was able to voice my concern and we both listened to each other about our misunderstandings... what is par to one another and what we like to see and what we expect of one another. we voiced our ideals and came up w/ compromises. he apologized for leaving me w/ more than my fair share of work and said he'd just rather do house work during the week, which is inconceivable to me bc i like doing it on my days off-- different strokes for different folks.

anyway, the whole thing was kind of beautiful and unreal bc both of us were upset about things, but were able to have a conversation about it and come up w/ solutions that felt like reasonable compromises w/out anyone becoming angry. you see, i grew up in an environment where conclusions were always reached after a series of shouting matches and the person who won was usually able to come up w/ the greatest threat. i'm so thankful to have moved on from this mode of reasoning and am able to find solutions and bond over them instead of alienating my partner.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:55 am 
Offline
Vegan Since Before There Were Vegetables
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 10542
Location: Wolfville, Nova Scotia
That's great!

My husband and I used to get in arguments because I am shiitake with cleaning housework (I lived happily in a complete mess when I was single), but I am a pretty awesome cook, so we've found a happy medium where he does the lion's share of the housework and I do all the cooking and gardening. It is pretty nice, I have to say, because cooking/gardening are fun and laundry is shoot-me-in-the-head boring, but we're both happy! We still bicker a bit when it seems like the distribution is feeling unfair, but we don't take it too much to heart.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2014 11:26 am 
Offline
Slept through a huge sale, OH NO!
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:59 am
Posts: 1278
allularpunk wrote:
I just don't understand what went wrong.


It's all him, you know. You've done nothing wrong. He is just being who he is (a bit of a selfish manchild).

We do want the best for you, AP. Here's to your new life with your new strength!
<3

_________________
Have a peek at today's Daily Simon!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2014 11:30 am 
Online
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 4651
Location: zomgz dijk
Yes! Hear, hear!

_________________
ॐ लोकः समासतः सुखिनो भवन्तु
http://www.embracingtheworld.org


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:36 am 
Online
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 4651
Location: zomgz dijk
Updates:

1) Dad stuff. Thanks, everyone, for encouraging me to draw very strict boundaries. I tried that once (and was not good about it; post-concussion stuff has meant I forget that kind of thing a lot) and will do so again this weekend. I am purposefully not responding to that email promptly so I can consider exactly the boundaries I want.

2) NatureBoy stuff. We are so domestic! The first time I came here, he bought a new washing machine and I helped him install it. The second time, a KitchenAid standing mixer. Yesterday, a new fridge arrived and today we're installing it. He teases me about spending all of his money, and I tease him back that he can't make a decision and takes me places (even internet places) so that I can help him with the choice. So, not just oggle and think about stuff (which he will do for months or even years) but actually encourage a decision. So far so good. I think.

_________________
ॐ लोकः समासतः सुखिनो भवन्तु
http://www.embracingtheworld.org


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:07 pm 
Offline
Banned from Vegan Freaks.
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:44 pm
Posts: 384
Location: Jungles of America
allularpunk wrote:
I just keep hoping that he'll sort out his fear of long term commitment eventually. He keeps telling me that he just wants to have fun, and that I'm making things too complicated.... I just don't understand what went wrong.

It sounds to me like he was telling you that he didn't want anything serious, but you did. So as time progressed you tried to get serious and he had to keep reminding you that he didn't want that. That might be the theme for why other relationships break down as time progresses and you try to make things serious.

I see that issue all the time. That's my two cents on what might have happened. You have to take him at his word and not hope someone changes when you could be out dating someone who wants what you want.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:46 pm 
Offline
Remembers When Veganism Was Cool
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:34 am
Posts: 2445
allularpunk wrote:

I am not brave.

And I know what most people already think about this, and am probably asking for it by posting in here again. I'm just hurting and feeling lost and confused and sad.


I'm sorry you're hurting, and I know it can be hard to make the final decision to break up.

I'm hoping for the best for you and if I can support you during the process I will try to do that.

:)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2014 4:57 pm 
Offline
TOTALLY CRADICAL
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:42 am
Posts: 4128
Location: Smugville, CA
Dammit, every time I think I'm ready to talk to the ex again I end up getting tears in my eyes. From a friendly text! UGGGGH TIIIIME

_________________
Crazy rating: Double plus crazytown bananapants ~Jordanpattern
"It's, you know, your typical Portland restaurant; bowls." ~Kittee
Sews Before Bros


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2014 7:28 pm 
Offline
Dying from Nooch Lung
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:43 pm
Posts: 3337
Location: mt. pleasant
Yeah I hear you, I think I'm going to skip racing cx this year because I wont able to handle seeing him.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4579 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 159, 160, 161, 162, 163, 164, 165 ... 184  Next

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 5 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer