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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 5:44 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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My current boyfriend said he loved me within 40 days. We met on the 9th of January and on the 8th of February he asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend. Then a few days passed and he told me he loved me. I was rather shocked. Luckily I was pretty sure I felt the same way, so a few weeks later I said it back. We've been hanging out almost every day since the 9th of January 2012 and it still feels pretty amazing to be around him. I can see us being together for a long long time. He's just so much fun and I like the things that goes on in his head. We fight pretty often (still working on those dynamics, it's hard being two creative people with workaholic tendencies and a lot of intense friendships, because it can put a strain on the relationship) but it's always respectful and I am never worried that he doesn't like me or anything like that. I always know. It feels good to know that we are both aware of how we treat each other, even when we are mad. I often see that people become somewhat abusive when they are fighting, and we are not like that at all, which is so important to both of us.

I guess the trust and respect thing is even more important, as he is touring with his (quite popular) band 3-4 days a week all summer and autumn - and the touring means a lot of partying and drinking and teen girls who totally want to bang him (he's 21 so it's not that weird or anything). it can be pretty though to know that there are girls who are trying to flirt with him/hit on him every single night when he's away, and him not responding to my calls when I called him during the tour last year was a major issue between us, but we've worked a lot on it and hopefully we've found a good balance.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 6:45 pm 
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Veg_Eric wrote:
assilembob wrote:
You know when people put "It's Complicated" as their relationship status...well that's me. And I don't know how to get out of it, or if I really want it to end, or anything. It's just so head boggling confusing and sometimes it makes me so sad because I'll never have a real relationship while I'm in this situation, but what I have works to meet both mine and his needs financially and physically in so that we take care of each other food and environmental wise only. We're not romantic at all. He calls me his platonic wife. Our finances are tied up like we are married. We have deep routines for our daily life that work. I just miss that emotional side of things. I want those things. And this isn't even the half of it. It sucks.


Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions too much cause it reminds me of a situation I've been in myself, but....

Seems to me that deep down or subconsciously you feel or have it clear that this isn't what you want. Now you only need to figure out what keeps you from changing the situation.

I get the impression that you might be afraid of what's going to happen when you go for a "divorce" (financial stuff etc)

Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person.
Why let this "not even half of what I want" prevent you from finding happiness?


The thing that makes this so difficult is it IS what I want if he wasn't completely platonic. He decided a long time ago that our physical desired didn't match up so he shut that part down. And that was that. Every single other thing is pretty great. We work great together, and support each other well. That's what sucks.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 6:56 pm 
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assilembob wrote:
Veg_Eric wrote:
assilembob wrote:
You know when people put "It's Complicated" as their relationship status...well that's me. And I don't know how to get out of it, or if I really want it to end, or anything. It's just so head boggling confusing and sometimes it makes me so sad because I'll never have a real relationship while I'm in this situation, but what I have works to meet both mine and his needs financially and physically in so that we take care of each other food and environmental wise only. We're not romantic at all. He calls me his platonic wife. Our finances are tied up like we are married. We have deep routines for our daily life that work. I just miss that emotional side of things. I want those things. And this isn't even the half of it. It sucks.


Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions too much cause it reminds me of a situation I've been in myself, but....

Seems to me that deep down or subconsciously you feel or have it clear that this isn't what you want. Now you only need to figure out what keeps you from changing the situation.

I get the impression that you might be afraid of what's going to happen when you go for a "divorce" (financial stuff etc)

Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person.
Why let this "not even half of what I want" prevent you from finding happiness?


The thing that makes this so difficult is it IS what I want if he wasn't completely platonic. He decided a long time ago that our physical desired didn't match up so he shut that part down. And that was that. Every single other thing is pretty great. We work great together, and support each other well. That's what sucks.


So you've got a great roommate. Can you find someone to love too then?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 7:30 pm 
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i'm loving all these stories about when the "i love you"s happened! it's so neat to hear about how it happened, people's feelings in regards to saying it-- especially the apprehension--, and hearing about the time span in the relationship.

i said it to my man last night! and he said it back! i feel like it was the right thing to do and that we're both at a very comfortable point in our relationship. i like how things just keep getting better! it's a pretty cool feeling!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 7:57 pm 
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Yay, cc!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:07 pm 
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Allular, forgive me if this is out of place, but I've been thinking a bit about your situation today because something just hasn't been sitting right with me.

As I recall, New Dude (ND) doesn't want you to tell Ex because he is fearful that Ex will quit and leave him in the lurch, so he doesn't want Ex to know until he has lined up a new manager. But ND can't exactly hire a new manager on the assumption that Ex will quit because who knows what Ex is going to do. So it seems to me, if you are agreeing to this, you are in a place of indefinite secrecy because ND refuses to a) deal with conflict and b) deal with the fall-out of dating a former employee who was previously involved with his manager.

I'm just really worried that you're in for a world of hurt. And in my experience, relationships that require secrecy are not healthy and can lead to some pretty toxic dynamics.

It's been, what, six weeks now and you are still going to the next town over if you want to be together outside of the house? And the one time that you stayed in town he disappeared and got angry at YOU because your ex showed up? I just have a lot of red flags going up right now and I'm concerned for you. I hope I'm wrong, but I also know that it's really easy to ignore our very wise guts when we're infatuated, so I am providing you with my gut feelings.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:53 pm 
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j-dub wrote:
Allular, forgive me if this is out of place, but I've been thinking a bit about your situation today because something just hasn't been sitting right with me.

As I recall, New Dude (ND) doesn't want you to tell Ex because he is fearful that Ex will quit and leave him in the lurch, so he doesn't want Ex to know until he has lined up a new manager. But ND can't exactly hire a new manager on the assumption that Ex will quit because who knows what Ex is going to do. So it seems to me, if you are agreeing to this, you are in a place of indefinite secrecy because ND refuses to a) deal with conflict and b) deal with the fall-out of dating a former employee who was previously involved with his manager.

I'm just really worried that you're in for a world of hurt. And in my experience, relationships that require secrecy are not healthy and can lead to some pretty toxic dynamics.

It's been, what, six weeks now and you are still going to the next town over if you want to be together outside of the house? And the one time that you stayed in town he disappeared and got angry at YOU because your ex showed up? I just have a lot of red flags going up right now and I'm concerned for you. I hope I'm wrong, but I also know that it's really easy to ignore our very wise guts when we're infatuated, so I am providing you with my gut feelings.



I've had that thought too. Maybe we don't know his plans, maybe he somehow does have his feelers out for a new manager but unless he can hire one before your ex quits, and then he decides not to quit and then suddenly there is two managers then...what then? Why wait? Unless its less about the waiting for fall out but more about the not-sure-if-its-sure-enough-to-risk-the-fallout.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:14 pm 
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j-dub wrote:
I'm just really worried that you're in for a world of hurt. And in my experience, relationships that require secrecy are not healthy and can lead to some pretty toxic dynamics.

It's been, what, six weeks now and you are still going to the next town over if you want to be together outside of the house? And the one time that you stayed in town he disappeared and got angry at YOU because your ex showed up? I just have a lot of red flags going up right now and I'm concerned for you. I hope I'm wrong, but I also know that it's really easy to ignore our very wise guts when we're infatuated, so I am providing you with my gut feelings.


Yep. I've mentioned him before, but I dated a guy for a year and he lived with me for four months, yet the only person who knew how serious our relationship was...was his mother. And that's only because she met me and asked me. He wouldn't hold my hand in public, and we avoided areas of town because he knew someone who might live there.

However, six weeks in that situation isn't a long time. I understand that. Six weeks is things settling and becoming a thing. But you and ex broke up a while ago...if he's flighty enough to up and quit, so be it on him. Hire a better manager next time, ND!

However, I do appreciate how happy you are, and how happy he seems to be with you!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 7:21 am 
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First up, yay, cc! I'm pumped for you! And smoothie, I totally get what you mean about always knowing your guy is into you, even when things aren't that great. I've never had that feeling before, but I feel it now. Anytime we have a disagreement, I'm not fretting over whether I'm ever going to hear from him again, I'm assured in his feelings for me.

Now, to address concerns. I've mentioned before that my guy (ND) is incredibly afraid of confrontation. I've known this ever since I first started working for him, years ago, just by watching how he runs his business. It's mostly an awesome thing for me, because I, too, am non-confrontational, but it can be a detriment, when it comes to something like this. He is concerned, yes, that my ex might quit and he will have to work a bunch of hours while finding a replacement. But mostly he is concerned about the actual conversation. He doesn't want to deal with it. Which I know is wrong, but I totally get it, because I wouldn't want to, either. Especially considering what a loose cannon my ex is. He also is a business owner that gets attached to his employees. He worries for their personal concerns. He lets them borrow his car. He lets them do laundry in the upstairs office. He wants them to succeed in life. So since my ex has been working there for 5 or 6 years, they've gotten...not exactly close...but they're...bros? Kind of? Like, they don't hang out except if they run into each other out or if they're at the same party, but they talk every single day that my ex works and my ex is more of a right hand man than anything. ND has a lot of respect for my ex and doesn't want to hurt him, so he feels like if there was more time put in, and perhaps my ex started seeing someone first, it would go easier for both of them.

I know that in past posts I've put a lot of emphasis on it affecting his business, but there is a personal element that I haven't really mentioned. I guess I didn't mention it because it makes it seem worse that he would get involved with me in the first place, but it obviously needed explaining. Also, all of ND's friends know about me. We're not a secret except for anyone that might be involved with my ex (which is why it was such a big, wrong deal for me to tell my friend that worked there, but it's ok that I tell my other friends that have no connection with my ex). I hope this clears some things up. I really don't feel like he's keeping this a total secret because he wants to hit it and quit it, it just doesn't feel like that to me, and I usually have really good intuition, even when I'm infatuated. For example, I knew the guy I was engaged to years ago was cheating on me the whole time, even before I could prove it. And I was toooootally head over heels for him right away. I've learned from that mistake.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:20 am 
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I'm glad you're happy and feel assured in his feelings for you! And 6 weeks really isn't very long. That said, its unfortunate that your ex is still holding you hostage with his temper. I suspect that he will flip out whenever he hears about you dating ND (or anyone else for that matter) even if its in a year, because that sounds like what he does.

I would ask myself how long I was willing to have my ex dictate where I went out to eat or whom I spoke to, and be in communication with your ND to make sure that your needs are being met and that you are part of the decision, not having it unilaterally imposed on you because ND doesn't like confrontation with his "right hand man" and I would also make sure that he knows that yelling at you for your ex's behavior is not okay.

We're all rooting for you and want you to be happy!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 10:47 am 
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Tofulish wrote:

I would ask myself how long I was willing to have my ex dictate where I went out to eat or whom I spoke to, and be in communication with your ND to make sure that your needs are being met and that you are part of the decision, not having it unilaterally imposed on you because ND doesn't like confrontation with his "right hand man" and I would also make sure that he knows that yelling at you for your ex's behavior is not okay.


Yeah, that. I mean, you're both giving your ex boyfriend a LOT of power in your new relationship, and to me, that raises red flags. I understand how and why your situation got to be that way, and I get it, but at the same time, just because something is understandable doesn't make it okay or desireable. There comes a point where you have to be active about putting your relationship in the place you want it to be rather than making your relationship contingent factors/people outside of your control.

Also, I can't help but think that if ND really has all that respect for your ex, he would have been upfront about this whole thing. Hiding things seems kind of the opposite of respectful, ATMO.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 7:38 pm 
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The only person I don't see being cared for is you. Your ND is very concerned about his pal, your ex, but was willing to send you ridiculous texts when you ran into him while you were out? Then you had to lie to your ex but you are not a secret and ND cares about him? Does that make sense?

Why does his fear of confrontation and concern for your ex's feelings (which as you noted don't run deep enough that he was not willing to date you ) rate higher than what you want and how you feel?

Until you can walk around town with him and tell your friends on your own terms, you are a secret. Frankly, your ND is not really acting like an adult here. I think you deserve better.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:36 pm 
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Unfortunately, allular, the longer this goes on the worse your ex is going to feel. I can understand keeping things on the downlow for the first little while but too much longer is just going to make things worse in the long run, and even more uncomfortable when it all comes out. You guys are going to have to tell him fairly shortly before it a) comes out accidentally or b) gets so long that your ND can't tell your ex honestly that he respects him, because continuing to shield him from that doesn't show a whole lot of respect.

Normally I would say that your relationship is private and who knows doesn't matter, but with them working together and one being in a place of power over another, that argument doesn't really sit right.

Plus, until you guys do tell him, you've got this big WHAT IF hanging over you and your relationship all the time.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 12:58 am 
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I don't know if I can wait as long as it'll take with the whole kid thing to tell him I love him. Feeling it hardcore the past few days. I wanna say it to him when we wake up and look at each other, I wanna say it when we come to a stop light on our bikes, I wanna say it when we have sex, I wanna say it when we end a phone conversation...

Oooh butterfliez

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 6:21 am 
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Mars wrote:
I don't know if I can wait as long as it'll take with the whole kid thing to tell him I love him. Feeling it hardcore the past few days. I wanna say it to him when we wake up and look at each other, I wanna say it when we come to a stop light on our bikes, I wanna say it when we have sex, I wanna say it when we end a phone conversation...

Oooh butterfliez


SAY IT. My personal rule is: don't say it until you reach a point where you have trouble keeping it in. Sounds like that's exactly where you are. It doesn't matter that you haven't officially been introduced to the kids yet! Actually, I would much rather introduce a partner whom I knew I loved and that loved me to my kids, than just introduce someone I was dating. You don't introduce unless it's serious, you know?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 12:01 pm 
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Having a mini panic attack. My guy went out with his guy friends last night to say goodbye to one who's moving far away. I know he drank A LOT, and I'm sure he's just hungover now but isn't answering the phone. Probably still asleep. Sometimes I'm so strong, but other times my mind forks with me so bad, like right now, thinking he's not answering because he's with a girl. We've been dating almost 5 months. He told me the other night things are good, but sometimes I don't think he takes us seriously - for example, he jokingly referred to me as his executive assistant to his uncle. I've met his friends, so they know about me, but he told his one friend last month that we were just casually dating (he told me this). We've been together 5 months now, and we both agreed up front that we would let the other person know if we wanted to be with someone else. I guess I'm just afraid the bomb is going to drop all of a sudden, like today he'll say he wants to see other people. I just want to feel secure in our relationship, and I never have. He's never given me reason to doubt him, but that doesn't mean he won't.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 11:57 am 
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I don't want to say too much or go into much detail so I don't jinx myself, or in case certain people are paying way too close attention to me here... but I'm pretty happy right now. No wait, really happy. It's been a long time coming!

(I promise I'll be back with more details later.)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:01 pm 
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Popped in to mention that I appreciate everyone's concern. I'm processing and also going through a lot of stressful things right now, so this particular aspect of my relationship is the least of my worries. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but there it is.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:05 pm 
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Details or no, flavabean, it's good to hear that you're happy.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 1:22 pm 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
Having a mini panic attack. My guy went out with his guy friends last night to say goodbye to one who's moving far away. I know he drank A LOT, and I'm sure he's just hungover now but isn't answering the phone. Probably still asleep. Sometimes I'm so strong, but other times my mind forks with me so bad, like right now, thinking he's not answering because he's with a girl. We've been dating almost 5 months. He told me the other night things are good, but sometimes I don't think he takes us seriously - for example, he jokingly referred to me as his executive assistant to his uncle. I've met his friends, so they know about me, but he told his one friend last month that we were just casually dating (he told me this). We've been together 5 months now, and we both agreed up front that we would let the other person know if we wanted to be with someone else. I guess I'm just afraid the bomb is going to drop all of a sudden, like today he'll say he wants to see other people. I just want to feel secure in our relationship, and I never have. He's never given me reason to doubt him, but that doesn't mean he won't.


In my experience, guys that make you feel like that, aren't guys you want in your life. You posted before about how you're his "second choice" and that whole situation, and honestly, it just sounds like it's an unbalanced and not terribly healthy relationship. I imagine you probably know that already. It sucks, and it's hard, but it sounds like you should move on. You deserve to feel better than you do, and it doesn't sound like that will happen with this guy.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 1:41 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:

In my experience, guys that make you feel like that, aren't guys you want in your life. You posted before about how you're his "second choice" and that whole situation, and honestly, it just sounds like it's an unbalanced and not terribly healthy relationship. I imagine you probably know that already. It sucks, and it's hard, but it sounds like you should move on. You deserve to feel better than you do, and it doesn't sound like that will happen with this guy.


All of this.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 12:57 am 
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I've been having a hard time lately. I mentioned this in the "women who decided not to have children" thread, but I want to have children and Wally doesn't see the appeal. I don't want to get pregnant right away, but I definitely want to get on that path, starting by getting married. Mostly, I want to know that we are on the same team and can make that decision together, not keeping the "if we can't agree we can always split up" option there. 6 years in I don't think it's a strange thing to want, and with the whole international situation we are on shaky legal grounds without a marriage.

So we started having that conversation. We started it in freaking June of last year. Problem is, Wally had an absolutely horrible year. Late June, his father had a heart attack while riding his bike and the combination almost killed him and had him in the hospital for over a month. Then Wally's mother had heart problems, too. Then Wally got a herniated disk and has been incapacitated on and off since. Now Wally's mother is in a mental institution as she may or may not have ODed on her treatment for bipolar disorder (she's been bipolar II for 20 years). what the fizzle, universe?! In these circumstances, I absolutely don't want to add to that mess and pressure him to make a decision about us or anything. But in the meantime I am so miserable. I don't know what to do.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:16 am 
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Oh Aelle, I'm really sad that you guys are having such a hard time. It's hard to give advice in situations like this. But I think if it was me, I'd probably think like you, and avoid adding to the stress - both because it is unnecessary and because he is probably not in the right place to make big life decisions right now. Maybe you could wait a few weeks, approach the topic gently and agree to have a serious talk about it a week or two later? This would give both of you time to think it through. Either way, you need to have the talk some day, because if you want a baby and he doesn't, then you need to figure out what your next step is.

That being said, if you're not going to leave him immediately, if he says he is 100% sure he doesn't want a child, then I'd probably wait a month or two, and set a date in the future where I planned on approaching the subject, to give myself a little peace of mind, but also allow room for him to deal with the things that are going on in his life.

I guess it all depends a lot on whether it is realistic that things start getting better with his family within the next few months or not? If this situation is the new status quo, then there is no point in waiting for it all to pass, but if it is just a bad period you might want to wait a bit, in order for him to be in a better place to have the actual conversation with a clear mind.

Big big big hugs to both of you!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:25 pm 
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lillianp wrote:
jordanpattern wrote:

In my experience, guys that make you feel like that, aren't guys you want in your life. You posted before about how you're his "second choice" and that whole situation, and honestly, it just sounds like it's an unbalanced and not terribly healthy relationship. I imagine you probably know that already. It sucks, and it's hard, but it sounds like you should move on. You deserve to feel better than you do, and it doesn't sound like that will happen with this guy.


All of this.


Thanks all. I went to a therapist for the first time today to talk about my relationship with him, my loneliness without him, and wanting to make friends outside the relationship. I got to see a lot of the red flags - my confidence has been taken away, I feel like a shell of myself, and I need to start making myself #1. Easier said than done, but I'm willing to work on me. If he wants to be a part of the journey, great, if not, get the hell out of the way.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:58 pm 
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Many hugs and a world of love to you sweet aelle <3

I hope you find peace with whatever you decide, and I would just add my +1 to smoothie's point that if this is the new status quo, then it doesn't really make sense to keep pushing the decision out indefinitely until his family situations have resolved. It sounds like you are having a hard time, and no matter what else is going on, your needs should be at least one of the priorities in your relationship. I don't think its too much to ask for the space to talk about what is important to your emotional health and it doesn't sound like you're pressing for a decision right now - just wanting to feel out the direction you're headed in.

You've moved for one another, you've supported one another, you've lived together, you have a dog together, you love each other, you have been together for 6 years and made it work. You have a really beautiful relationship, and I know how hard it must be to feel like you are risking all your history on a conversation, but it sounds like it is a conversation that you need to have soon. Do you think that a few sessions with a therapist might support you and help you figure out how to approach this?

Big big hugs <3

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