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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:06 pm 
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Aelle, I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that I've been in your situation and offer my sympathy.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:43 pm 
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((((aelle))))) I hope that you're able to have the conversation in the near future and that you both come to a decision that you can live with. That's rough.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:53 pm 
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Oh Aelle! What a difficult situation! I'm so sorry that you are in such a tough place.

I agree with the point about the fact that if this is the new status quo, or is going to be for a while, you should have the talk anyways. You can put off your happiness for only so long in the name of being supportive--it's good to be supportive, but that should go both ways!

A close friend of mine is in a similar situation right now, and she and her boyfriend are seeing a couples' counselor to try to work through things. It's hard, but she's hopeful that it will help and work things out. Maybe consider that?

At the very least, it is a conversation that, no matter how hard, needs to happen between the two of you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 4:19 pm 
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Last night after my friend went home, my dude came over and we listened to the Otis Redding Pandora station and slow danced in my kitchen. It is quite possibly the most romantic moment I've ever had in my life, and I was engaged once, so that's saying something (about both of them).

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 6:07 pm 
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Awh that sounds so lovely!

So my guy has been away for a week on a business trip. Really glad it's the same week I have all my rehearsals for this play, otherwise I'd really be going crazy. We've been talking on the phone every day though. Can't wait for him to get back! About a week before he left he gave me a key to his place (!) in case I needed it because I would be watching his dog for a night (which the dog was at my place the entire time so it wasn't necessary at all). Well, he gets back tomorrow and so today I made a floral arrangement and put it inside his house, and I also planted one of his favorite flowers in an empty pot he had out front of his place. Oh I also left a basil plant on his kitchen windowsill. Pretty excited for him to get home and see all that! I also went out today and bought a new 'toy' for us to play with. :D

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 6:10 pm 
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Mars, you are stinkin' adorable. The nicest thing I've done is wash his sheets! Although I was planning on picking some daffodils out of his yard to put on the table.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 6:26 pm 
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Or better yet pick some muscari (should be blooming all over the place in people's front yards/sidewalks)
Image
and then pick some mint (or other cute greenery) that's starting to come up like weeds now
Image
and mix them together!

Daffs are cute enough but they have kind of an awkward shape and tend to look kind of bad in a vase or with anything else, much cuter left as a plant in my opinion. (And I'm a florist so I have lots of these kinds of opinions!)

Also might be cute if the flowers were something different from his front yard plants, lets him know you went out of your way.

Or for something really classy you could clip a bit of budding dogwood too:
Image

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 9:05 am 
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Awesome suggestions, thanks! I'm going to take his dog for a walk, so I'll keep my eye out. He doesn't have any of those other things growing in his yard (though I like the idea of getting stuff away from his yard anyway, so!).

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 12:12 pm 
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Happy for you Mars!

I have a problem. I got involved with my current bf about two years ago and we moved in together at the same time. During the years it's been a pretty rocky ride (most because of emotional problems from my side and lack of motivation from his side) but we've stayed together. However, over the past month my feelings towards him have started to decline (we haven't have sex often since about six months and when I decided to remove my Paraguard it became even worse, using condoms don't really work for him) and I don't feel an attraction anymore, although I love him so much. I don't want to hurt him since he's my best friend and we can have the funniest moments but my romantic feelings towards him are almost gone - while I at the same time know that I would be devastated by seeing him with another girl.
I'm longing for freedom but I don't want to lose him. What should I do?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 12:16 pm 
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Helix wrote:
Happy for you Mars!

I have a problem. I got involved with my current bf about two years ago and we moved in together at the same time. During the years it's been a pretty rocky ride (most because of emotional problems from my side and lack of motivation from his side) but we've stayed together. However, over the past month my feelings towards him have started to decline (we haven't have sex often since about six months and when I decided to remove my Paraguard it became even worse, using condoms don't really work for him) and I don't feel an attraction anymore, although I love him so much. I don't want to hurt him since he's my best friend and we can have the funniest moments but my romantic feelings towards him are almost gone - while I at the same time know that I would be devastated by seeing him with another girl.
I'm longing for freedom but I don't want to lose him. What should I do?


You have to end it, because no one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who feels like this about them. That's the loving thing to do. Maybe you'll end up in each other's lives in some other capacity, maybe not, but it's not fair to him to pretend like you want a relationship that you don't.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 12:26 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
Helix wrote:
Happy for you Mars!

I have a problem. I got involved with my current bf about two years ago and we moved in together at the same time. During the years it's been a pretty rocky ride (most because of emotional problems from my side and lack of motivation from his side) but we've stayed together. However, over the past month my feelings towards him have started to decline (we haven't have sex often since about six months and when I decided to remove my Paraguard it became even worse, using condoms don't really work for him) and I don't feel an attraction anymore, although I love him so much. I don't want to hurt him since he's my best friend and we can have the funniest moments but my romantic feelings towards him are almost gone - while I at the same time know that I would be devastated by seeing him with another girl.
I'm longing for freedom but I don't want to lose him. What should I do?


You have to end it, because no one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who feels like this about them. That's the loving thing to do. Maybe you'll end up in each other's lives in some other capacity, maybe not, but it's not fair to him to pretend like you want a relationship that you don't.


Quoted for truth. This was basically how my last relationship started and ended, except by the time I was ready to end it, I actively disliked him, regardless of the fact that I cared about his well being. It wasn't fair to him for me to pretend to want the relationship when I didn't, and it wasn't fair to me to continue on in a relationship that didn't make me happy or satisfied. It's hard, but you've gotta do it.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 2:03 pm 
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You're both right! I think our living situation makes it harder, he moved from another city to live here and he's just started taking courses at the university here. But yes, I'm going to talk to him. Thank you. <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 12:08 am 
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So he got home today and loved all the stuff so much. :) But UGH so a couple days ago he was telling me he was feeling a little under the weather... Well he woke up today (before his flight home) totally ill. And now he's at home with a fever! He won't let me come see him because he really worries I'll ge sick before my play Thursday. I agree really. But jeezuz. I haven't seen him for a week... And this is during the height of my falling-in-love-omg time. And now I have to wait even longer! I can't take it. I feel like I'm going to barf. I made some of my 'famous' soup that he really likes and made it extra gingery and garlicky so I'm going to drop it off tomorrow... I'm sure that I'll see him then but I know he won't let me near him with the risk of me getting sick. Aughhhhhhhhh. (Really it's smart and I do kind of get sick a lot and really really really can't now)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:03 am 
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Aw, Mars! I hope your gingery, garlicky soup works miracles! It really is awesome that he doesn't want to get you sick before your play. That shows that he cares about your well being outside of any sexy times that he might want. But I would hate not being able to see someone after looking forward to seeing them so bad!

My guy comes home this evening. It's going to be a loooong day. Also, I have an embarrassing problem and don't know quite what to do about it. Like, so embarrassing... I pooped in his second bathroom and apparently the plumbing can't handle my amazing vegan poops, so of course it clogged. No big deal, right? I'll just plunge it! But the toilet is really old and the hole in it is, like, oddly shaped or something and his plunger isn't big enough to cover the whole thing! So I was hoping that, over the course of the day, it would just...work itself out? That happens sometimes, I think! But it didn't. I looked at the plungers in the grocery store, but they were all the same size as his. I need a giant plunger! And I don't know if I'll have time to find/buy one before he gets back. I'm going to stop at a hardware store during my one hour break and hope for the best. Otherwise...what do I say to him? Don't open your toilet, just find me a giant plunger and I'll take care of it? Stupid poop!

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:49 am 
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AP, thanks for the laugh! I hope your poop resolves itself! And if not, you'll have one of those goofy couple "stories only we know about each other" and by we I mean, you, me and the PPK :)

Mars, I hope your partner feels better soon and how lovely of you to do so many nice things and make soup!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 9:38 am 
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Went up there this morning to check on Mike and it still had not resolved itself :( Looks like I'm going plunger shopping this afternoon! Ack. Can't wait to go to the hardware store and ask where the plungers are and if they have anything huge for stupid toilets. They'll all know I had a big poop! Well, the funny thing is, it wasn't even that big of a poop. The toilet is just a major wimp, and now I know not to poop in there, ever again.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 9:47 am 
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There's the new plungers that have an accordion looking shape at the bottom that sort of goes in the hole at the bottom but they are really good for toilets that don't have vegan poo power.

At the bottom of this page!
http://www.plumbinghelp.ca/articles_typ ... ungers.php

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 10:27 am 
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I know they tell you not to use them in toilets, but when we had an old toilet that would get clogged ALL the time, we used the Liquid Plumber stuff and it worked. I think this is an emergency that warrants its use.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 10:39 am 
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I just need something with a really large diameter. I know they exist. It's just that there's the hole, but then it extends, longways back up the bowl a little. It's so dumb. I don't mind buying the plunger and leaving it there, because he needs one anyway, and if it's all after the fact, it can be funny, but I just don't want him seeing what's in that toilet right now! It's so gross! And yeah, if I can't find a decent plunger or it doesn't work, I WILL liquid plumber the hell out of that thing.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 11:38 am 
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Happy Poopbusting!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 12:41 pm 
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You could try to get a toilet snake or try this method that in the end involves a wire hanger
http://homeguides.sfgate.com/unclog-toi ... 25207.html

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 12:49 pm 
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Good luck with the plunging! Also, my dad SWEARS by filling a big pot with water and then pouring it from high up (stand on a chair if you're feeling brave)--that gives much more force to the swoosh of the water, which helps to loosen up whatever wasn't pushed by the flushing. It has worked for me, even though my toilet is pretty strong--I think it has clogged two or three times in the year and a half I've lived in my place.

My boyfriend left this morning for five days of business trip on the other side of the country. It's all highly secure stuff in Washington DC, so he can't even be texting me during the day because all electronics are confiscated before they go into meetings. This kicks off my week of pretending that I am a strong lady who is totally okay with barely talking to and not seeing her man at all for the week. TOTALLY FINE WITH IT YUP I TOTALLY AM.

Meanwhile, finding a place to live together is causing some friction, but mostly just on my side... He makes SO MUCH more money than I do, so he's used to such a higher quality of life, so he's not okay with any of the apartments I'm finding where I can afford to contribute... everything he likes is really nice, but I can't afford to pay the share I would need to pay. Plus we keep talking about saving for a down payment on a home--doesn't that mean we should find somewhere that costs LESS than what we pay now, not more? But he's unwilling to make any sacrifices. He doesn't understand just how broke I am and just how miserable it makes me. He's never been in this situation, and try as I might, I can't explain it to him, so he can't understand.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 12:55 pm 
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DC, can't you share housing costs proportionate to your incomes? That would seem the most equitable option.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 1:00 pm 
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Jill wrote:
DC, can't you share housing costs proportionate to your incomes? That would seem the most equitable option.


We both have a certain amount we can put in... but he keeps looking at places that cost more than that. I don't really know what to do about that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 1:10 pm 
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DC - When my husband and I moved in together, he paid the rent, I paid the bills/groceries. We lived in a cheap apartment for our area, built sometime in the 70s/60s, had a washer/dryer that was probably that old, horrible parking, inconsistent water pressure and temperature, no good walking paths and bossy management company. We lived there 2 years while saving up for a down payment. Honestly, we loved it but knew it was temporary. I also knew we could've had a nicer place for nearly double the price.

I wouldn't be worried too much about not being able to contribute as much but I would be worried about not making sacrifices for what both of you consider to be a temporary living situation. I'd ask him flat out, ask him about you contributing $X/month for rent, saving $Y/month for down payment and for the places he is interested in, ask him how much he expects he could save per month for a down payment on a place?

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