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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 9:24 pm 
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DarthCupcake wrote:
Oh my gosh! We've been emailing (he's out of town on a business trip) and working out what's going on with us and he says I should call the really affordable place with the small kitchen and see if they can meet our terms (specific move-in date, taking some doors off the hinges and stowing them in the basement) and if they will, that I should get it for us! PROGRESS!


Hoorah!

After beating me terribly at gin rummy, my guy has fallen asleep on my bed and I am not at all sleepy. It's not even 10:30!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 6:48 pm 
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Oh man, okay. So many things. (actually not really but it feels like it)

Well, first off, there's that it's going so well, in how we are together, the things he says/does, the sex, the attention he gives me via text/phone... just perfect.

But holy hanna. This ex drama. It's getting worse and feels super hopeless to get away from/out of. She apparently is calling him many times a day, every day. Often crying. And asking/begging to get back together. And apparently she just sits around and cries all day when she's parenting their kids. Aaaaand apparently is friends with the creator of the musical I was just in so was there last night for the show I was in, taking video (she's done that before for the creator guy so that's not that odd). And after the show ended she apparently had a break down there at the theatre! How many times can I say apparently! He insists he doesn't want to and won't get back with her but his parent-side is worrying me a bit. He's (naturally) super concerned about how all this drama is affecting the kids and... anyways. I'm getting too detailed on a public forum about other people's stuff but damn it. Worrying things are worrying.

Silver lining in all this though! It's really making me feel really confident that I'm a stable adult who can handle their own problems and who can take care of themselves pretty good! After my break-up last year I thought I was so co-dependant and just a big pot mess but looking back I can see that I was just grieving, and I did so in such a healthy way I feel like. I didn't involve other people in it... If I obsessed over it I did it alone and still managed to get all my responsible adult stuff done...

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 8:46 pm 
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I really want to go to couple's therapy with my paramour, but he's somewhat resistant to it.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 10:17 pm 
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Oh Mars that ex drama totally resonates with my experience. Please observe carefully how your partner deals with the ex and be ready to set boundaries. Don't be afraid to put your foot down if you ever see that she's taking priority over you because she's louder and has kids. Of course the kids' needs are very important but in my experience the dramatic ex used the kids as an excuse to demand attention for herself most of the time. If he is willing to give the dramatic ex an inch she will take a mile so you must be strong and ready to communicate the minute that you see the power balance going over to her. Otherwise you are doomed to ranting phone calls at all hours (esp during special dinners that you worked to make nice) (or in the middle of the night - my internet's down! Come fix it because the kids need it!) and other tactics that are basically her reassuring herself that he will still jump when she says jump. Your partner may not fall for the drama, which would be awesome, but be ready to nip any bullshiitake in the bud so she doesn't ruin your relationship. I am projecting of course but I just saw the red flags and had to post a warning!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 10:52 am 
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I'm right there with you Mars!!! Thankfully things have calmed down significantly but geez. It's not fair that he "has to" take her calls/texts because it might be an emergency with the kids, but it never ever is. Perhaps I sound heartless, but she's cried wolf a bunch of times (including contacting me) and I'm over it.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 7:37 pm 
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Thanks you two! Yeah there are red bullshiitake flags for sure. It's nice that not only can I vent about it here but there are people here going through/have gone through something so similar! I'm noticing, it's nice actually, I think this is making me learn how keep *just* enough slight distance that I can function well as a single person. I never had to learn that in my early 20's because I got married at 19 and missed a lot of crucial lessons methinks. For quite a few months after my breakup I had so many obsessive thoughts and felt like I needed constant validation. I feel so much more cool with myself now, my mind feels pretty sure that while yes, I really want this to work out... if it doesn't, I'm not super worried about handling that. I know I will just fine.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:14 am 
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I'm glad you are aware enough to spot the flags and handle what comes your way. You can refuse to put up with any bullshiitake and then the ball is in his court. It is him that really has to be willing to not play her drama game. If she keeps getting the attention she wants for acting out, shes going to keep on doing it. These situations suck because she is never going to go away because of the kids. Abelskiver - crying wolf about a kid 'emergency' is a big part of the game isn't it? God so frustrating. I would never have a problem with a real emergency call (or a real parenting issue thats not necessarily an emergency) but I sure never saw a real issue in 2 years of raving ranting dinner time and late night phone calls! I let it go way way too far obvs which is why I'm full of warnings to others. Nip it! Nip it in the bud!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 14, 2013 10:39 pm 
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He's being more communicative but I don't know that there's any hope.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 7:33 am 
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Mars and fupa, I'm sorry you two are dealing with such shiitake. I hope things turn around soon.

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55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 4:17 pm 
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stellamarie: yes, thank you!!! I appreciate your words of wisdom.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 6:29 pm 
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We talked today and I felt like he was really hearing me.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 12:04 pm 
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I have happy relationship news! I am dating someone! He is so sweet to me, and I didn't even have to pursue my botched attempts at internet dating, as he approached me in person, locally! Anyways, his name is Chad, and he is really really hawt and desireable to me and also 10 years younger than me, so, yeah, a 22 year old man, that will keep me on my toes, lol!

The only downside is that we have been together so much since we met, it is keeping me away from the ppk a bit! Anyways, it's only been about 3 weeks we've been together, and I love it, but of course it is not all sunshine and roses, primarily because I have no phone at home and my Mom found out I was dating again after my separation from my husband on facebook.
And, the new honey's profile had a lot of porn, plus I have a female kid who lives with me some of the time, guess that didn't sit well with Mom? Oh well. I do know what I'm doing, silly family! Oh! I should say, that me 11 year old daughter is temporarily blocked from his fb due to, well, the porn stuff. Although he did "clean up" his profile already, or attempted to, at his own behest. So it is all handled, but just try telling that to my Mom!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 12:25 pm 
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Glad you're happy, 1strangegirlbygolly! Although, I'm not really sure why you would have porn on your facebook profile?

No real update from me, I guess. My guy and I had a really great weekend together, and he said that he was going to have to admit how he felt for me pretty soon. Whatever that means, eh? Then yesterday he was really snappy with me, which was hurtful, but then today he seemed back to normal. We all have grumpus days, I suppose. We're both really stressed by a lot of different things right now, so I'm just glad to have someone to hug me at the end of the day for now.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 6:12 pm 
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1strangegirlbygolly! wrote:
He is so sweet to me, and I didn't even have to pursue my botched attempts at internet dating, as he approached me in person, locally!!


I wish I had this kind of gumption.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 6:50 pm 
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Boyfriend had planned to leave the army in October and go to school here next January, but he's found out his unit is going to Kuwait for nine months in September, and asked me if I was okay if he signed on for one more year since Kuwait is pretty safe and its a ton of money. I can't say no, and he'll have leave before, after and in the middle of his deployment, but it sucks putting big life plans on hold.

I don't have maternal instincts, but I feel like I'm getting nesting urges. Come live with me dammit!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2013 9:01 pm 
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The bf and I had such a good weekend! He was so caring and just nice all around. We didn't do much but laze around in each other's company and it was so nice! I was over again last night as I usually spend a night or 2 there a week and it was another good night. He asked me to spend the night again tonight this AM when I left, and I said I'd let him know later. I just texted him now to let him know that I wasn't going to (have lots of stuff to do, plus am going to see him tom, Sat, and prob Sun night), told him he needed his rest (he's been really anxious from work and didn't sleep well last night) and now he won't respond. I don't know if he's busy, fallen asleep, or having a temper tantrum. It's not like him to not respond so I'll just assume he's busy. So frustrating though.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 19, 2013 3:58 pm 
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ScooterDiva, I'm glad you guys had a great weekend and week! He's probably just busy or something, and will text you when he can.

So...ugh. I'm starting to realize just how emotionally stunted my dude really is. I mean, I knew he was really guarded and that things were going to go slow when it came to admitting our feelings for each other, but this morning he really hurt my feelings. I mean, I cried. What happened was this: when I woke up, I tried to get some sexytimes going, but then it took me a minute to get myself ready for it and he said something rude about how I wasn't even ready for it, so I was like, 'nevermind, lets just get some more sleep' and he said that all I wanted out of our relationship was sex, and kept saying, 'I mean, if that's what you want, that's cool, just let me know', but every time I tried to say, that no, of course I want more than that, that I don't feel like I act like that and that I love just hanging out with him, he would interrupt me with, 'It's cool! I mean, just tell me!' What the fork? Then he said, 'I love you to death' and I was like, 'What??' and he repeated himself, and I thought he for real meant, like, I LOVE YOU, so I said, 'Hey, you know I love you too, right?' And he covered his face with the blanket and started groaning. Like, he really didn't want to hear that. So I was like, 'I mean, it's ok! We don't have to say it all the time or anything, it's no big deal!' just to put out the fire, and he said, 'It is a big deal! Oh, I guess it isn't to you, you go around saying it to everyone' which is mean and not true. So then I got up and got dressed and cried for awhile. I tried talking to him again about it, but he just wouldn't talk to me or kept interrupting me.

I'm sad and embarrassed. And I wish he would grow the fork up and realize that I'm in it for more than just sex. Or, I think he does realize it, but it scares the shiitake out of him, so he's pushing me away. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 19, 2013 4:12 pm 
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allularpunk, I don't want to make blanket statements, but we've all been there. Sounds like there was a lot of embarrassment between the two of you (whether he admitted it or not). I don't think some guys understand that girls aren't just like WHAM boner I'm ready to go! Sounds like he figuratively needs the lightbulb to go off or the curtains to open before he'll get where you're coming from. Maybe historical issues or hurt are popping up that maybe he can't control or maybe he doesn't recognize it. It does sound complicated like you said. Obviously you do the best you can at the time, and reactions are legitimate responses. I'm sorry you had to deal with such immaturity so early in the morning.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 19, 2013 4:29 pm 
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Thank you, julialegume. I definitely think that his past has a lot to do with how he reacted. It's the reason I've been taking things really slow and cautious, because even though I can tell how he feels for me, I don't want to scare him off with all of my 'MUST DISCUSS FEELINGS' talk. I don't mean to sound like I can't express myself for fear of losing him, I've just been expressing myself with thoughtful actions rather than the actual words. And yeah, about it taking girls a little longer. It's like, he knows that, he was just being a dick, but what if I was ready to go and he wasn't and I said something like, 'GOD! You're not even HARD yet!!' Uh, same thing.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 19, 2013 8:32 pm 
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AP, I am so sorry! Hugs! That's a terrible way to wake up...also, being accused of only wanting sex out of an emotional relationship sucks a whole effing lot. Don't ever apologize for your sex drive! And make sure you tell him how much he hurt your feelings. I feel like you two can be totally adult and understanding of that conversation.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 8:02 am 
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We talked last night and worked it out. Basically, he's freaked out because of how much he likes me. So he sometimes tries to push me away. I told him how I felt embarrassed about saying the I love you and he said not to because it's not like he doesn't feel it, he's just not ready to say it, which I understand and respect. I also explained to him how shitty it was that he said I was only in it for the sex, and he doesn't really think that I am.

Seriously though, we haven't had sex in 6 days, which is the longest we've gone without doing it, and I dunno what's up with that except that he is incredibly stressed out right now. I keep thinking that we'll do it before we go to sleep, but then we get too tired because we stay up too late, and then I think maybe in the morning, but then we're too tired because we stayed up too late and I have to leave to go to work. We're going on a date tonight though, and both have tomorrow free, so I'm hoping we get it on a little bit. I'm not in it for just the sex, but sex is a very important part of a relationship! I crave that closeness, it makes me feel more intimate and snuggly in general. He gets all of that, because we've talked about it before, out of the context of this recent spat. I just wish I could take his stress away and that we could live happily ever after (haha).

Oh, one cool thing that happened last night: He was out with his friends, which I was totally cool with, because this one friend is the one he talks to about me, and I knew the friend would help my guy put things in perspective (he's totally on board with us being happy, which rules), but then he was out way later than I thought he would be, but...I didn't freak out. At all. Like, with other guys, I've always been like, 'Where the fork IS he? What is he DOING?' but I trust my guy so much. I never thought he wouldn't come home or that he was scamming on other ladies. I just knew he needed a night of fun with his dudes, and that was cool because I needed a night alone with some Doritos and Archer. So when he got home, I told him about how awesome it felt to not be worried about what he was out there doing, and he told me that the whole time he was out, he just kept thinking, 'This is fine and all, but I've got my lady at home.' And that he didn't want to stay out super late because he wanted to come home and see me. That he can't stand not waking up next to me, and that he wants to wake up next to me basically forever. That I am it for him.

So. That felt pretty great.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 8:40 am 
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Glad you guys had a good talk, AP. I find with Mr Moon if there's a squabble or emotional misunderstanding its easier to leave for a couple hours and revisit. Trying to talk during/immediately after the event doesn't get us anywhere.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 9:45 am 
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allularpunk wrote:
We talked last night and worked it out. Basically, he's freaked out because of how much he likes me. So he sometimes tries to push me away. I told him how I felt embarrassed about saying the I love you and he said not to because it's not like he doesn't feel it, he's just not ready to say it, which I understand and respect. I also explained to him how shitty it was that he said I was only in it for the sex, and he doesn't really think that I am.


This is all fine, but remember that what you're doing now is forming the patterns and behaviors that will likely stick around throughout your relationship. That is, it's nice that he likes you, and if he's going to act like a dick, I guess it's better that he do it because of good feelings about you, not bad ones, but unless you want to live with him being a jerk every time there's a disagreement or minor bump in the road, I'd start thinking about talking to him about how to put on his big boy pants an communicate like a grown up. Blowing up an extremely minor thing like the incident you described into an incident that makes you (and maybe him?) feel bad all day isn't sustainable. I mean, shiitake happens, and you're bound to have frustrating times that make you sad, because that's just how relationships are, but don't go accepting bad behavior because he says it's because he likes you too much. You deserve a guy who can handle liking you, so hopefully this guy can get that together.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I am a chronic accepter of bad treatment in relationships, so I have lots of feelings about that stuff. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 10:09 am 
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JoPa makes a really good point (and I am another chronic accepter, so perhaps that colors my view as well).

I hope you're able to work on fighting fair. Not being immediately ready for intercourse shouldn't trigger him calling your relationship in question. It just feels like he takes out his frustration and anger on you, without regard for your feelings, because he can. So far its been because your ex walked into a bar and because you needed a bit of foreplay.

Its early days in the relationship, and I think you would be wise to ask yourself what you want to tolerate

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 22, 2013 9:46 am 
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Thanks for the concern. I have made it clear to him that we need to be able to communicate like adults.

And tonight, he meets my dad. My mom asked, 'Did you tell him that Daddy can be a bit...blunt?' This should be a blast. I'm hoping we all just get drunk and play cards and all will be right with the world. Because I really can't handle my dad being a dick, even though I know T can totally roll with the punches.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

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