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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 6:48 am 
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fupapack wrote:
. . . there wasn't even a conversation he pretty much just said he was sick of my "shiitake". i'm so hung up on him i don't want to lose him. it took me years to get over an ex of mine i hope he just reevaluates what is important in his life and comes back and tries therapy with me.


The advice I'm about to give isn't advice I'd give to most people after a break up but I believe it is good for people who are really stuck and I think it might be good for you at this point but if anyone has strong views on why this might be disastrous please pitch in.

I would say maybe you can use the hope of getting him back to spur you on to rebuild your life. You have to realise he's not going to have any interest in coming back to a needy, broken you is he? Often we change in a relationship, especially when we are aware for a long time that things aren't going well. We try to change who we are to make ourselves more what we think that person wants or needs so we can save the relationship - but on a very basic, maybe even an unconscious level they perceive this and it makes us even less attractive to them because we are losing ourselves, the things that made them attracted to us in the first place. You need to uncover the you he fell for in the first place and create an even better version of yourself if you can. You need to do this for you and not for him though as doing it for him won't properly recreate that attractive person he first met, it won't be 'real' and this will be perceived by him at that deep subconscious level. You need time out from contact with him to do this. Set yourself a deadline of 4-6 months to work intensively on this and once you're there you can wow him with the 'rebuilt' independent, super confident, happy you, contented and living a full and busy life that you love. And he can join this fab new if he is willing to work on your previous issues and try again, but you can only go to him when you are 'there', really feeling that way, not just pretending to or it won't work, he'll see things haven't changed and all will be lost.

My hope would be that by the time you are that happy, confident, independent person you will have drawn someone else to you, someone fabulous, an equal match in passion and attraction for eachother, and you will have no interest in getting him back. Or at least that the process of 'project rebuild' will create the space you need to find perspective, to start to see things differently and you'll see he is not the one for you even if he wanted to get back with you (I've seen this happen, the couple did eventually get back together but the power balance was very different, it was actually the other way round although that's not quite ideal!) The worst case scenario I can foresee is that at the end of this process you still want to try getting him back, you try it doesn't work out - but at least you'll be in a better place to deal with that.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 7:24 am 
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I'm going to respectfully disagree with you, rentaghost. I think that as long as you (general you, not you personally) have even a little bit of focus on maybe winning the other person back, even if it's just a tool for working on yourself, you'll never truly let go of that relationship and move onward to heal.

Fupapack, I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. I'm going to agree with what was said upthread (by JoPa?) that the only way through the pain is through it, as horrible as the thought of going through it may seem. It forking hurts, but that's how grief works. Be kind to yourself, do what you need to do to get through each day, whether that's taking long bike rides, going out with friends, or locking yourself in your apartment and eating all the things. The pain will lessen, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

You deserve so much better than what you got in this relationship. We can all tell you that, but you really need to truly believe that yourself before you can have a healthy relationship (either with yourself or someone else). In my experience, the only way to do that is to take the time to focus on YOU and figure out how to love yourself, and be happy on your own. I'm a firm believer that as long as you're not happy with yourself, you'll never be happy in a relationship.

Hang in there. It will get better, even though it sucks right now.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 8:34 am 
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I'm also going to disagree, although I like the idea of rebuilding the awesome you...you need to not do it at all for him. Like, fork this guy. He seems totally disrespectful of you and emotionally abusive. But the main reason I disagree with rentaghost is that I agree with lepelaar. I have only experienced this desperate kind of 'must make myself awesome so he likes me again' situation while I was still in a relationship, and I gotta tell you, it doesn't work. If they've decided they don't want to 'put up' with you, they're going to be done no matter what you do to try to 'fix' (you don't need fixing! You're awesome!) yourself. I say this coming from the other side as well. I broke up with my ex because he was intensely angry, wallows in his misery, and doesn't make positive changes in his life. I told him those things, because I wanted to be honest, but also to explain that I wasn't just...walking out because I forking felt like it. He then spoke to me all the time about changing those things, and if he did, would I come back to him. And the answer was a strong 'No'. I agreed that he needed to work on making positive changes, but that he needed to do those things for him and not at all for me. And that, frankly, I was done with this relationship. I don't think he is a terrible person, but I have no desire to be with him, regardless of whether he makes those changes. I know that was hard for him to hear (and I worded it as nicely as I could), and maybe it's hard for you to hear as well. It doesn't sound like he wants to be in this relationship with you. And why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? You deserve someone that respects you as much as you respect them, likes you as much as you like them! It sucks, but you have to stay away from him and try to spend time doing the things that make you happy, like riding your bike. 'Time heals all wounds' is, maybe, the jerkiest advice to give someone when they're going through something terrible, but it really is true.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:34 am 
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I do agree with you both and I wouldn't normally recommend it, but - if someone is really, really struggling to move on from first stage grief (and has taken years to move on in the past) I think it's worth considering it as a way of trying to shift themselves out of the pit of despair (and as I said, only for a limited period of time).

I'm fairly new to the thread though so I'm just reacting to your recent posts fupa. Maybe with a bit more time, taking things day by day, you'll be able to start moving forward naturally.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:57 am 
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wow


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 12:00 pm 
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I've been there, done that, and got the t shirt and still have no words of wisdom. Only that when he - inevitably - reaches out to you either in friendship or otherwise, just do. not. go. there. Because mine took years to get over because I kept going there.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 12:18 pm 
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Fee wrote:
Only that when he - inevitably - reaches out to you either in friendship or otherwise, just do. not. go. there. Because mine took years to get over because I kept going there.

This, this, this. Times a billion.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 2:14 pm 
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jogirl wrote:
Fee wrote:
Only that when he - inevitably - reaches out to you either in friendship or otherwise, just do. not. go. there. Because mine took years to get over because I kept going there.

This, this, this. Times a billion.

Times a forking quadzillion.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 2:17 pm 
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I need a space to rant for a quick second. For those who didn't see my posts at the time, I just went through a break up in January. My partner was just kind of a jerk and distant so I broke it off. They didn't seem that upset about it at the time and we agreed to stay friends (especially because we have several friends in common) but they are completely awful when it comes to communication. We have some things to exchange still, so I've sent a few texts asking when we can meet up to swap and I get nothing. If we run into each other at parties/events, they're perfectly fine and willing to chat. oh and for their birthday in the beginning of the month, I surprised them with a jar of cookie butter and some crescent rolls waiting for them when they got home (because we had chatted about it at a party a few days prior) and got no thanks whatsoever. So now basically, I think this person is just awful and rude and clearly has no respect for me. Fine. be a jerk. But today I read a little something on their tumblr "blah blah blah my partner..." So of course here comes bad feelings of extreme loneliness. No, I don't want them back at all. But they suck! why do they get to have smooches when I (who is clearly more awesome) don't!?!? not fair.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 11:21 pm 
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joyfulgirl, your ex is probably smooching someone with horrible breath.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 11:56 pm 
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I love my husband. I do I do I do. But why does he have to be so accident prone and willing to do stupid dangerous things. All he was doing was cutting up a tree that was already down from a storm, and had done all the biggest cuts, so how come he waited until the moment I got home to drop the damn chainsaw on his foot? Why accident prone husband? Why are you so hell bent on making me worry about every little thing you do?

In recent weeks he has also knocked out a tooth with a hammer, wiped out on the driveway and knocked himself on the head pretty hard when it was still icy, and thrown out his back. IT NEVER ENDS.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 1:45 am 
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Aw, I have klutzy person empathy for your husband, Moon. Although this is why I probably will never handle a chainsaw. I hope he's ok.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:08 pm 
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Moon wrote:
I love my husband. I do I do I do. But why does he have to be so accident prone and willing to do stupid dangerous things. All he was doing was cutting up a tree that was already down from a storm, and had done all the biggest cuts, so how come he waited until the moment I got home to drop the damn chainsaw on his foot? Why accident prone husband? Why are you so hell bent on making me worry about every little thing you do?

In recent weeks he has also knocked out a tooth with a hammer, wiped out on the driveway and knocked himself on the head pretty hard when it was still icy, and thrown out his back. IT NEVER ENDS.

That sounds terrifying! I can kind of sympathise because my partner has managed to get into quite a few scrapes and does dangerous things - especially when cooking (throwing things into hot oil is the reason I refuse to let him fry anything/be there when he does). He passed out on holiday recently and knocked his head on solid concrete - I thought he died! He's also just told me that he's making me a gift and the process is dangerous enough for him to seriously injure himself. Agh!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:14 pm 
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My girlfriend is out of town for a wedding, and sent me many ridiculous drunk texts last night while I was out dancing with friends. This is one.

Quote:
Hahahahahha. I am dumb. I love you. God we missed our shuttle and are fucki idiots. I talked about corks SO LOUD.


And that, folks, is the first time she's said she loved me. Probably the best possible way for it to happen.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:19 pm 
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This is really lovely!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:45 pm 
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aww!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 4:27 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
My girlfriend is out of town for a wedding, and sent me many ridiculous drunk texts last night while I was out dancing with friends. This is one.

Quote:
Hahahahahha. I am dumb. I love you. God we missed our shuttle and are fucki idiots. I talked about corks SO LOUD.


And that, folks, is the first time she's said she loved me. Probably the best possible way for it to happen.



AHHHH! So cute indeed. :) It is a great way, because you don't have to worry about the context or the reasction of thinking too much about it, it just happens.

Also, about the conversation above about making yourself an awesomely better happy person to win someone back.
What great about doing that, is when they DO think you are awesome and want you back, and you get to turn them down. OH YEAH. I've gotten to do that twice. People want me back, but I don't do that shiitake. Feels soooo good to do that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2013 1:10 pm 
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So cute, SR!!!

Moon, I can relate. My boyfriend (like me) is a bike racer. Within the last month, he's been hit by a car, crashed twice, and managed to overtrain himself to the point of making himself sick. Dude, catch a break so you can take a turn looking after ME! ;)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 8:11 pm 
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this is not about my relationship per se but....

i used to know lots of people in the same kind of situation/relationship as me here. This week my last friend of that type (foreign woman married to brazilian man) left. So many have left. I am apparently the last one standing. And every day wonder if I should still be here. Lately has been OK but then Mr T's family have to get extra jerky and remind me that oh, we moved here for family, and the family turned out to be a bunch of crassholes.
[yes, i know, everyone's inlaws are douches, more or less, and i should thank my lucky stars i don't live in the same house as them. i know, i know.]
my friend who just left left here without her husband. she's talking about a year-on year-off marriage plan. I have to say it sounds really appealing.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 8:19 pm 
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Torque:

I don't think you are obligated to take abuse from someone because they are family. You do have a right to be happy and to be with someone who values your happiness.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 12:31 pm 
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torque wrote:
this is not about my relationship per se but....

i used to know lots of people in the same kind of situation/relationship as me here. This week my last friend of that type (foreign woman married to brazilian man) left. So many have left. I am apparently the last one standing. And every day wonder if I should still be here. Lately has been OK but then


Some times it works to reverse a question. So not "why am I still here", but "why didn't I leave already?"

What do you get out of the relationship?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 1:23 pm 
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Seagull of the PPK
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ah grasshopper you are wise.

i think we are done. the only thing i seem to get out of this relationship is security because nothing ever changes, and that's why i don't leave. i am scared. that is really what so much comes down to.
today i am thinking, am i going to let my fear ruin my life, or am i going to let it drag down me and my kid too?

doesn't stop me from being scared. big breath and back to work.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 8:22 pm 
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torque wrote:
ah grasshopper you are wise.

i think we are done. the only thing i seem to get out of this relationship is security because nothing ever changes, and that's why i don't leave. i am scared. that is really what so much comes down to.
today i am thinking, am i going to let my fear ruin my life, or am i going to let it drag down me and my kid too?

doesn't stop me from being scared. big breath and back to work.

It is really, really forking scary. BUT once you pass through the fire and are on the other side and are happier, you will wonder why you did not put energy into making yourself happier sooner. I promise!

You will be modeling strength for your daughter.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 11:17 pm 
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torque wrote:
ah grasshopper you are wise.

i think we are done. the only thing i seem to get out of this relationship is security because nothing ever changes, and that's why i don't leave. i am scared. that is really what so much comes down to.
today i am thinking, am i going to let my fear ruin my life, or am i going to let it drag down me and my kid too?

doesn't stop me from being scared. big breath and back to work.

Torque, there's a really amazing book called Healing Through The Dark Emotions by Miriam Greenspan that talks about fear and how it's useful and how it's not, how it can keep us stuck, and how to work through that (as well as anger and grief). It might be useful for you (and every single person ever. It's really an amazing book!)

Also, as a child of divorced parents, what I always tell people is "do NOT stay together for the kids". Divorce and everything that comes with it is far, far better than resentment and tension at home.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 11:23 pm 
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As a child of undivorced parents who should have been divorced I also always tell people do not stay together "for the kids."


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