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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 5:39 am 
Seagull of the PPK
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thanks for your words guys. yesterday was really, really hard. all i want to do is, frankly, call my mother and cry. my mother is incommunicado til the weekend so i somehow need to slog through here.

it was hard because i tried to sit down and talk with mr t again and suggested that the kid and i go to the US for a year [she's crashing and burning in school, and i'm desperate for anything that will pull her out of her tailspin; as mentioned above, i desperately need a break from this place. i am so lonely and frustrated and tired.]. his response is sure, but only if we get a divorce and i never come back [and i don't mean this in a "he won't let me" sense but legally, both parents' permission is required for any kid to travel].
frankly, that's OK with me, i don't think this relationship is worth it anymore, but the logistics are brutal. because of divorce laws here if we do divorce, he will need to sell the house we just bought and the business he built so it can be divided. i don't want to wreck his life, jesus i just need to gtfo for a little while. or i suppose i could just walk away with nothing, after all my savings in the US were sunk into this business.

all this is just details. the real thing, i guess, is that i am so scared. i didn't do my citizenship yet so if i leave here i won't be able to come back, so this has to be the right choice. don't want to keep moving the kid so i need to choose where to go. what to do.

kindly, could someone tell me this is going to be OK?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 6:59 am 
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It will all be okay. I survived a 60% drop in income and zero child support. My life is so much more peaceful now. The difference between living with that tension and the way I live now is startling. You, independently of your child, deserve to be happy.

I think just being away from that much unhappiness will make the kid feel better and perform better in school. I always think about what sort of relationship I was modeling for my kid. I would rather he see me single that miserable every damn day.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 8:52 am 
Seagull of the PPK
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thanks Vantine.
I just managed to talk to my mom, and I cried a lot but I feel significantly better. She had some really good input.
Now I just need to survive a day or two more [big work project. of course, it has to be now] and then start making plans.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 9:32 am 
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Hugs to you torque. I don't know the history of what you've been going through as I've not been here for long and maybe I've misunderstood your post but if mr t would rather divorce than give you a year out that seems a pretty clear indication that you shouldn't stay in the relationship. Is he not concerned that he won't be able to have his child visit or would he expect her to visit without you? If a divorce would cause his to lose the house and business it seems strange he would force your hand to go down that route, unless perhaps he is trying to call your bluff?

Also I've seen a lot on the UK news recently about child kidnap and how difficult it can be to get children back when countries aren't signed up to an agreement about this - is this a concern? (I'm afraid don't recall the name of the legislation and I don't know if Brazil is signed up to it.)

You might also want to consider whether it is worth staying for long enough to get your citizenship and then leaving or divorcing if this is feasible - obviously I don't know what the process is or how long it would take.

Whatever happens you WILL be okay.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 10:33 am 
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Yes, torque, you will be ok. Making changes is hard, especially when there's all this practical life shiitake involved, but in the long run it sounds like it will be the best thing to do. Stay strong.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 10:37 am 
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Oh, also, I'm totally in love with my guy. The words are all filling up my chest and stuff when I see/touch/hug/kiss/talk to him. I wish I could express myself without actually saying it. All of the things I say that are close to it don't quite convey how I feel. Last night I said, 'You make me feel feelings! Ones that I can only describe by saying that thing that you're not ready to hear or say!' Haha...I'm such a jerk.

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55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 10:54 am 
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Torque, it is awful that he would force your hand like that with divorce. However, if that's how he's going to treat you, then you deserve to be out. This is not "you don't want to ruin his life" because YOU aren't ruining it, HE IS. He made the choice to not even consider letting you have a year. He's pushing for this, so he has to accept the consequences of selling the house and dividing the business and so on.

I agree that this will be better for your daughter, and you will be serving as an excellent example for her.

You are strong, and you can do this!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 12:36 pm 
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Torque, <3 <3 <3. You are brave. Sending such positive vibes through the airways.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 1:06 pm 
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I'm thinking of you torque! you're so strong you can do this!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 1:09 pm 
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<3 torque! My mom had to go through something kinda similar, they both owned a bar together, and we lived in the building too, and he was being an asparagus about the divorce, child support and dividing the house and business. In the end she ended up buying him out and keeping the business herself, maybe he'll take that route once he realizes what the divorce legalities mean?

But yeah, you gotta do what's best for you. You know after the divorce me and mom actually became much closer, before I was a typical "daddy's girl" type kid, since mom was always stressed out and unhappy during the marriage. After the divorce, she still had a lot of financial difficulties, but she could finally take care of herself and it was a complete personality change and we got along so much better. Getting there is rough, but in the end its very much worth it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 1:11 pm 
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((((Hugs)))). Its going to be better than okay. Much love to you and FC

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 1:21 pm 
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BIG hugs, Torque. You are a strong, badass lady and will be a-ok.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 2:10 pm 
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Big hugs, torque. I know this is scary - Lard knows it's scary - but you're going to come out on the other end so much happier and healthier. It might be terrifying and go against everything you know to start over without money/a house/other things you're used to having, but your health and happiness are paramount, and once those are in place, the rest will follow. Hang in there. It will be ok. Let me know if you need to talk.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 2:34 pm 
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Massive hugs for you torque. And it WILL be okay.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 2:52 pm 
Seagull of the PPK
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thanks guys. i am at work [like in the office, where i almost never am, since i usually work at home] with my monkey suit on pretending to be a grownup and i had a few very good, calm hours. one thing at a time.

rentaghost, the red tape and legality with kids and parents [and everything else in this country] is absolutely staggering. Brazil has had a lot of high-profile cases of kids being kidnapped and they`re trying to get it under control but in the meantime it makes it difficult for everyone else. (they are signatories to the agreement you`re talking about but it has famously been disregarded by local courts when it's a brazilian vs. a foreigner)
the archaic burocracy is one thing i absolutely will not miss. in fact i drove here this morning thinking about things that i am not going to miss.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 2:55 pm 
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torque wrote:
because of divorce laws here if we do divorce, he will need to sell the house we just bought and the business he built so it can be divided. i don't want to wreck his life, jesus i just need to gtfo for a little while. or i suppose i could just walk away with nothing, after all my savings in the US were sunk into this business.


kindly, could someone tell me this is going to be OK?


I understand that you don't want to wreck his life, but I also think you deserve your fair share of the house or the business.

There will be difficult and challenging times, but in the long run things will be OK.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 7:44 pm 
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Hugs to you torque!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 8:22 pm 
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DarthCupcake wrote:
Torque, it is awful that he would force your hand like that with divorce. However, if that's how he's going to treat you, then you deserve to be out. This is not "you don't want to ruin his life" because YOU aren't ruining it, HE IS. He made the choice to not even consider letting you have a year. He's pushing for this, so he has to accept the consequences of selling the house and dividing the business and so on.

I agree that this will be better for your daughter, and you will be serving as an excellent example for her.

You are strong, and you can do this!

All of this? All of this is true. You're amazing and strong and you'll be okay.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 9:47 pm 
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Torque, I'm sorry you're going through this. After reading your posts for so many years, I've come to respect and admire you so much. You're going to get through this rough patch and your life will get better, even if it's a bisque now.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 10:10 pm 
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Thinking of you, Torque.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 3:04 pm 
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Just got dumped this morning. I posted this in the other one too. This sucks.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 3:55 pm 
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Torque, I am so sorry you're going through this. I feel like I'm fighting this with you - I don't have the kids or husband, but am super scared to let go of a guy who won't treat me right, yet is the most handsome, charming, intelligent guy I've ever dated. I truly don't think I can do better.

And a vent...I've decided not to care about our relationship anymore, so last night when I went over to his place, I was all happy and bubbly and cheerful- not my usual self. He asked what had gotten into me, and I said "Nothing, just really happy". I really had him puzzled. While we were hanging out, he asked me to go to a coworker's 2 year anniversary work party tonight - I said sure and that it sounded like fun.

This Am when he left for work, I asked him where this coworker's party would be and he gave me a blank stare. I reminded him that he asked me last night if I wanted to go with him, and he was very blase' and said "oh, I don't know, I'll text you later". I could totally tell that he regretted asking me about coming last night, but nothing happened between us over the course of the night (that I'm aware of) to make him regret this. So I told him nevermind, I'd do my own thing tonight.

I want to not care, I really do - but that really hurt my feelings. Even more proof that I need to end things.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 6:25 pm 
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SD- I have read that you're afraid to be alone, before. But I feel like that feeling of alone-ness could be filled with other things, and would be better than the feeling of 'my partner is a huge jerk to me' feelings.

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You know what would probably be a more effective ritual? Telling the person who you want to shut up, "You better not talk or we'll pound you." -Footface


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 6:34 pm 
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Yeah, SD, its better to be alone than with a guy who doesn't treat you right. It sounds like you're lonely already, so what's the point?

Small vent, I'm really annoyed that when I google marriage proposal ideas (not doing any time soon! Just thinking about what I should save for/have good ideas for when it happens) for women who propose to men, a lot of sites that come up are along the lines of how women really shouldn't propose to men, its emasculating, and even comments by men saying that they'd dump any woman who proposes.

I told my guy today that he's now not allowed to do the proposing.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 7:45 am 
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sarahnorine, I'm so sorry! Do something nice for yourself and give yourself time to heal.

SD, your dude makes me mad.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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