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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 7:51 am 
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Oh, I guess I could report that I helped T do all these piddly home improvement things after work yesterday so that his open house tomorrow goes well. Touching up trim, cleaning windows, etc, while he hung up curtain rods and took down awnings and cleaned the floors. We drank beers and ordered Chinese food and listened to music and chattered at each other, and even though I was totally exhausted from being at work and hanging a really stressful show all day, I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. He kept saying how awesome I was and how he never would have gotten any of this done without me (probably half true...he's really ADD and can't stay organized or on task for the life of him, which is where I come in, haha). Anyway, I was trying to paint this outdoor-ish patio off the kitchen and spiders kept coming out of nowhere and I had myself totally convinced that all of them were black widows and spiders are, like, the ONE thing I can't handle and I finally couldn't take it anymore after one swiftly crawled up my paintbrush towards my hand. I apologized and said that I just couldn't be in there anymore, that spiders are my one big creepy fear, even though I know they're good, I just can't handle them. And he said, 'Dude! I totally understand, it's like if there were a ghost with a bee beard following me around while I was trying to paint.' Which is hilarious, and awesome that he respected my limits and wasn't pissed that I couldn't paint in that room. (It's the room that needs the most paint, so it was the biggest on our to-do list.)

Anyway, it was nice. And I'm exhausted today.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 7:54 am 
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Well I've ended it once and for all as of last night in an email. He wrote back, only saying "I understand". After I poured my heart out to him in this email. The hardest part is knowing I'll never see him again. He was such a huge part of me, even if I wasn't treated as I deserved to be. I really don't know what to do now that he's gone.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 8:06 am 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
Well I've ended it once and for all as of last night in an email. He wrote back, only saying "I understand". After I poured my heart out to him in this email. The hardest part is knowing I'll never see him again. He was such a huge part of me, even if I wasn't treated as I deserved to be. I really don't know what to do now that he's gone.


SD, I'm so sorry. Strength and healing vibes! My break up yesterday was warranted and needed. It sounds like this one was too-time will help.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 8:17 am 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
Well I've ended it once and for all as of last night in an email. He wrote back, only saying "I understand". After I poured my heart out to him in this email. The hardest part is knowing I'll never see him again. He was such a huge part of me, even if I wasn't treated as I deserved to be. I really don't know what to do now that he's gone.


HUGS! I really think you did the right thing, SD, based on what you have written here over the last few months. You will fill your life with other people and activities! People and activities that are good for you and make you happy!

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 8:32 am 
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Many hugs SD! From what I can read here, I think you did the right thing and I'll be thinking of you and sending you strength as you move on. <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 8:56 am 
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I got dinner with him the other night and it was nice, now I'm back to being ignored.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 9:10 am 
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Sending good thoughts to you fupapack and SD!

I don't know if this resonates with either of you, but I am reminded of one of my relationships, so I'll share this in case it is useful. I really wanted to be dating my guy (big, sexy, supersmart, kind, every sort of wonderful ever - everytime I see him, my insides turn to butterflies), but he wasn't ready to give me 100% and be fully in the relationship, so he'd break up with me or I'd break up with him, he'd seem fine with it, and just when I was moving past the grief, he'd get back in contact and be super-cute and flirty, we'd hook up and the whole cycle would start again. We managed to keep it going for 5 years off and on, and it only ended when I stopped talking to him for a year and he met the woman he married. We talked about it after he got married, and he said that he was always a bit conflicted - there were things he loved about me and our relationship gave him a lot of comfort and a sense of being in control, at a time when he didn't have a lot of either in his life, but he also didn't see spending the rest of his life with me and he knew it wasn't fair to keep dating, which is why we kept breaking up. He's a great guy, but that relationship caused me so much pain, because I kept feeling like we could have an amazing relationship if he'd just give me a real chance, and he never let me fully into his life.

I wish both of you the best, and I hope you can find love and happiness and a partner who never makes you feel second best or not good enough.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 10:50 am 
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allularpunk wrote:
ScooterDiva wrote:
Well I've ended it once and for all as of last night in an email. He wrote back, only saying "I understand". After I poured my heart out to him in this email. The hardest part is knowing I'll never see him again. He was such a huge part of me, even if I wasn't treated as I deserved to be. I really don't know what to do now that he's gone.


HUGS! I really think you did the right thing, SD, based on what you have written here over the last few months. You will fill your life with other people and activities! People and activities that are good for you and make you happy!


What allarpunk says, and though it might sound strange: I'm happy for you. :)

It wasn't an easy thing to do for you, but I think it's good that you decided to take care of yourself and not put up with shitty treatment from some one who didn't care much about you.

It might suck right now and it might be hard to find new friends, but in the long run you will do better and find some one who will treat you better :)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 11:04 am 
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ScooterDiva, I'm really proud of you. Get ready for a whole lot of feelings at any given time. You can ride out the bad and embrace the good. If you don't have one- get a journal and write in it when you get those feelings. It will help.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 11:29 am 
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(((hugs))) SD! It sucks to hurt like this, but you just have to believe you deserve better! There's someone out there who be be as enthusiastic about you as you are about them.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 11:32 am 
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That's some good advice, tofulish even if I may not want to hear it.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 11:40 am 
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On my way home this morning I was like, I'm not going to post on the PPK about this, but now I'm in bed and sad and I don't know what to do with myself so oh well. I feel like my girlfriend and I are going to break up because I can't handle that she might move away (her position here might be ending and she is applying for jobs in New York and San Diego and Chicago and at least two of those are kind of her dream and would be amazing for her career) and it is making me a forking mess, and she is stressed out already and I think she is a lot more stressed out that I am crying all the forking time about it, so basically I might lose her because I am so terrified of losing her. Also I think half of Portland saw me cry this morning on my way home from her place, so that's embarrassing. And I have awful cramps.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 11:45 am 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
Well I've ended it once and for all as of last night in an email. He wrote back, only saying "I understand". After I poured my heart out to him in this email. The hardest part is knowing I'll never see him again. He was such a huge part of me, even if I wasn't treated as I deserved to be. I really don't know what to do now that he's gone.

The best thing I heard after a devastating break-up that left me reeling was this: "I know you're not going to believe me, but just trust me. You're going to feel like you're going to die. I promise you, you won't die."

That seriously got me through the worst of it. The other piece was (and I've recommended this already to someone else but not sure if it was in this thread or not) a book called Healing Through The Dark Emotions by Miriam Greenspan. It was seriously life-changing, and let me heal in a fabulously healthy way. Take good care of yourself SD! And good for you for getting out of a relationship that was hurting!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 2:23 pm 
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I just wanted to pop in and say I'm proud of you, ScooterDiva. You are a really lovely person and you absolutely deserve to be with someone who treats you with kindness and consideration. I know it probably feels dark right now, but I really hope this is the first step in things getting way awesome-r for you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 4:00 pm 
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Oh torque, your marriage and mine are similar in a lot of ways, but splitting up will be so complicated for you, adding much more strain than most people have. I hope you can work something out and soon - it sounds like you can't take much more.

SD, I agree with the others who have said this is a good thing for you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 4:11 pm 
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Torque (and everyone else) hugshugs.

I never did update here. The night before I finally saw my gf, she had an epiphany that made her realize she needs to work on herself and not worry about another person.

She doesn't want to define things, which was fine with me, because its how we started out. However since it DID become defined it scared me. She has always been a very monogamous person, she says. So, I don't know. I deal with months of horrible moods and "don't give up on me" and all that stuff, and it was hard. She's finally crawling out the other side and, oops, nevermind. I mean, I think she was more planning ahead, thinking forever then I even did. And through the tough stuff I got clingy because the tough stuff was tough and so, got sucked into clingyness. I know, I need to work on my own confidence and not be dating anyone.

And then she got forking pissed that I was crying! GUH. Sorry, I TOLD you I cry. A few hours, not heehaw crying (more oozy sniffly). We had that conversation when we met. But basically after another sorta sleepless night she was cranky and telling me I was too mousy and I really seemed more confident and whatever when we met. Well, you seemed a lot less unstable when I met you, but I haven't really complained to you about that, now have I? She was also annoyed that I told her that falling in love with her blew my mind. That it was harsh. Anyway, She's never said anything mean, throughout the 7ish months we've been together, so I've just been surprised. I know she is going through stuff, her job and now her local father figure type died. I get that is hard.

Its hasn't been the best time, and being together when we have more time would make more sense, rather then how it has been for the whole damn thing. So I get that, but give me a damn break! Its gonna take me a few to get over things and get back to the casual thing, get over the fact that the chemistry between us, which had been so beautiful is off.

I am getting so bitter :p

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 5:03 pm 
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SD, I'm sorry you're hurting now but good on you for ending things. You don't deserve to be with someone who is unkind and disrespectful. Big big hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 5:10 pm 
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Pinko wrote:
I just wanted to pop in and say I'm proud of you, ScooterDiva. You are a really lovely person and you absolutely deserve to be with someone who treats you with kindness and consideration. I know it probably feels dark right now, but I really hope this is the first step in things getting way awesome-r for you.


Yup. I feel the same way. Good for you, SD. That cannot have been easy.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 5:23 pm 
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More hugs to everyone else having a rough time out there.

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive of me. I know I'll eventually make my way out of this long, dark tunnel. It's just a bit overwhelming at the moment. ((hugs)) back to you all.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 4:24 am 
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One more person in the supportive, you'll-be-happy, column, SD. Seriously, you're awesome. I'm sad I never got to meet you in Seattle, but you're seriously so great via this forum that I can't help but be proud of you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 9:15 am 
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This morning in bed, I was chatting with my guy and I sarcastically said, 'Whatever, you hate me' about something, and he said, 'No...I'm secretly madly in love with you.'

!

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 9:18 am 
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so i haven't updated because there has been nothing to update. we passed the week without speaking, really, only operational stuff ("did you pick up the kid") and pretending to be nice to each other when i went to the shop (in front of customers). we also had a family event yesterday which we managed to survive but just barely. i think we managed to not be in the same room the whole time.
he managed to "forget" to go to the school appointment to talk about FC's failing math on Friday.

i now have "an appointment" to speak with him about the situation tonight. if i hadn't nagged there would be no nothing.]
luckily, i have a full day of work again today, so i'll be busy from now til then.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 9:21 am 
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Good luck, Torque. You're one tough lady.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 9:24 am 
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I am so sorry torque. It sounds so hard, and my thoughts are with you. I wish I could hug you and make you tea <3

I hope you and your partner can find a way to support one another as co-parents, with a modicum of kindness and respect. You are a really lovely person, and you deserve so much better.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 10:03 am 
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Thanks miss d! And more hugs to you torque. You know we're all here for you.


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