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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 9:27 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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Glad you're enjoying a good relationship, SD!

S and I have had a really tough year - lots of medical issues, family problems, lay offs, etc - and it has taken it's toll. We've both been pretty unhappy and on Tuesday I decided I needed to find a way to fix it or do something because I was just upset/unhappy/sad all the time. We talked and I didn't feel like he was really participating, but the yesterday he came back with all these great ideas to do more bonding stuff together to try to get us out of our rut and change our attitudes about our home life. For example, this weekend we've made plans to do a Fall colors activity where you go up the mountain on the ski lift to see all the trees turning and it is supposed to be really awesome but we never make the time or bother to do it. He also suggested that we go to the farmer's market and get some veggies to teach ourselves to pickle which we always talk about but again, never bothered to invest in.

It was so nice, especially since I got really worried when he wasn't engaging in the initial discussion. We still have a lot of work to do to make sure that we don't lose momentum and slide back into it, but I am feeling very hopeful today.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:29 pm 
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I need advice, PPK! A few days ago I got a text from a cousin of mine - he got my number from my mother and is in Portland and wants to meet to 'catch up' Friday (tomorrow). Backstory - I haven't seen any of my family other my mother and father in 15 years, by choice. They're not bad people by any means, I just give 0 shiitakes about the concept of blood family, and don't personally feel any attachment to them.

So, I've been ignoring this text and feel like a jerk now. Should I buck up and endure the social awkwardness of a quick coffee with him even though I don't want to for no real reason - or should I ignore text - or should I say no?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:43 pm 
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Mars wrote:
I need advice, PPK! A few days ago I got a text from a cousin of mine - he got my number from my mother and is in Portland and wants to meet to 'catch up' Friday (tomorrow). Backstory - I haven't seen any of my family other my mother and father in 15 years, by choice. They're not bad people by any means, I just give 0 shiitakes about the concept of blood family, and don't personally feel any attachment to them.

So, I've been ignoring this text and feel like a jerk now. Should I buck up and endure the social awkwardness of a quick coffee with him even though I don't want to for no real reason - or should I ignore text - or should I say no?
I, under slight duress, had a drink with my father who I have had virtually no contact (like I saw him twice in my childhood, maybe) with about ten years ago. It was amicable and interesting and I don't regret it, but I have no real desire to meet up again. I think I'd have regretted it if I didn't go.

I think you'd regret not doing it if you don't. Worst case scenario: boring coffee with someone you won't see again for another 15 years.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:44 pm 
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I would go to coffee. I don't like the concept of blood family meaning anything more than people you have to know (adopted) but my cousins are actually my friends and people I would want to know even if we didn't' share the same name.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 3:24 pm 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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I really enjoy my relationships with my cousins...it's nice to bond with people who understand how dysfunctional your family is? (If it is, anyway, but I think every family is.)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 6:03 pm 
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Coffee sounds pretty harmless and low commitment. I think you should go. But if not, definitely say something. You don't have to give a reason or anything, but I would appreciate a quick, oh sorry I won't be able to meet up, but I hope you have a great trip. It sucks to wonder if someone actually got your message, or to keep an evening open waiting to see if someone can make plans with you when you can otherwise make different plans.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 6:39 pm 
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Fizzgig wrote:
he came back with all these great ideas to do more bonding stuff together to try to get us out of our rut and change our attitudes about our home life. For example, this weekend we've made plans to do a Fall colors activity where you go up the mountain on the ski lift to see all the trees turning and it is supposed to be really awesome but we never make the time or bother to do it. He also suggested that we go to the farmer's market and get some veggies to teach ourselves to pickle which we always talk about but again, never bothered to invest in.

That sounds terribly familiar with the recent string of bad times & starting to feel a strain on your relationship. Glad to hear he came back with all those good ideas for bonding and stuff to do together, if you wouldn't mind what other suggestions did he have?

A and I recently moved across the river so he is closer to work so now we live alone and away from most of my friends. Coupled with me getting injured at work and laid off has been really rough for me in terms of depression etc and I know he feels pretty crummy about not being able to help the way I feel after the move. I think a big part of it is me needing to spend some time out of the house and doing stuff, socially engaged with other people whereas lately he comes home from work and we hang out near each other (which I love! but can sometimes add to my feeling of isolation).

@Mars I get what you mean about the blood relation and not feeling obligated, if you think you would be really miserable then I would just shoot them a quick text and tell them. But coffee seems pretty low key and generally (unless there is a history of terribleness) often winds up being way more enjoyable then awkward/terrible. Plus sometimes even a brief/short outing can brighten up both parties day, even if it is a bit awkward at times. Trust you gut, and text them back.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2016 6:26 am 
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I'd totally have coffee with a cousin but thats just me.

Now on a totally different commitment level...

My mom probably has 60-70 first cousins, I know a good deal of them, I'm Facebook friends with many of them. My husband and I are both introverts so that plays into some of this. One of my mom's cousins, who I knew fairly well when I was younger but I've probably seen only a few times in the last 20 years as she doesn't live where the rest of the family lives. I am also FB friends with one of her kids, the one I was close to when I was younger. So anyway, she just asked if she could come visit... and I'm not sure what that means, if it is just her, her sisters (who I am much closer to them) or something else. I know my mom would say no way, don't do it just because of this cousins particular issues. I like to be open though so we'll see but I also really can't say no.

Also, when my aunts (mother's sisters, who are more like my sisters)/cousin came to visit, we went through a lot of effort, we boarded the dogs, took my cats to my husband's parents, took time off work but I would totally do it again even if it drained me. I'm not sure what we'd do in this case.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2016 8:53 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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Mars, I agree with the rest - and you can always cut it short if it is too uncomfortable or weird.

BAD, I'm sorry you're dealing with that kind of shiitake, too. No fun. S also suggested that we plan some day trips this Fall/Winter - we're looking at different haunted places within a 1-2 hour drive to go visit and then maybe when it's closer to Christmas finding light displays to go check out. He also suggested going to an 'adult store' to see if there is anything interesting we'd want to check out. We also started looking at the local community college to see if there are any classes we'd want to take, like making stained glass or something. For this weekend we invited one of my friends and a new co-worker who just moved to town over to carve pumpkins and hang out, as more of a quick fix for getting some more interaction without a huge time commitment. If you think of any good stuff, please share!

linanil, I hope you figure out what the terms of the visit are - that sounds like it could be a lot of work.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 5:44 am 
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I wanted to update. I told my cousin she could visit anytime, we'd just need advance notice. My husband wanted to make sure she knew she was welcome. I haven't heard back.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 9:41 am 
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Glad you reached out to her!

Are they all allergic to dogs? or do the animals have issues with strangers? maybe there could be a less costly/disruptive way to have them stay with you?

A just started nights last night, so that is a whole other wrench in the spending time together bucket. Man, I am going to miss the ppk when I can't stay up all night messaging folks and reading.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 9:57 am 
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Maggie doesn't like men in her house, which is the primary issue, which is why we boarded the dogs when my aunts (and my aunts SO) came out. If my cousin came, her husband wouldn't be coming and I don't think she is allergic. Also I think it is more of a fantasy rather than reality but who knows. Her daughter (the one I know well) lives in MA and I think the ideas is she would hit us and her in a trip.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 10:19 am 
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That sounds like it could be really great then! hopefully they stop in for a bit and everything goes well.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2016 11:35 am 
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It took me a few days before I could tell Mr Moon about the forum shutting down - he had known I was upset about something on Monday but I had trouble telling him at first. When I did his jaw dropped and he said "oh no!" And it was just one of those nice moments that remind me that I'm with someone who gets me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2016 2:11 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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Moon wrote:
It took me a few days before I could tell Mr Moon about the forum shutting down - he had known I was upset about something on Monday but I had trouble telling him at first. When I did his jaw dropped and he said "oh no!" And it was just one of those nice moments that remind me that I'm with someone who gets me.

<3.

A has basically just been hugging me on and off.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 8:20 am 
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So, I feel like this is kind of an appropriate post during the End of Days of the PPK so here it goes: I filed for divorce on Monday. I don't want to get into all of it, but I feel like I need to put it out there in the universe. I feel pretty good about the decision; obviously divorce sucks and it's hard but I feel like this is how I need to move forward in my life.

So that's out there now.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 9:14 am 
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Good for you, fizzgig! I hope it's as easy as possible, and you get to the place you want to be.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 7:03 pm 
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I'm sorry Fizzgig. Even when it's right, it's hard. The first person I told was a complete stranger because I needed to say it out loud but telling someone I knew felt so Big and Scary.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 3:07 am 
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I think I fall in love too readily. Maybe. Part of me is like "Well yay love love lovely love" and the other part of me is like "Gulliver, it's been two months". How long do people normally wait until they say the L-word?

Earliest: 3 days (together for almost 5 years), longest, maybe 6 months (together for nine months or so)?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 7:55 am 
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Oh, I'm sorry Fizzgig. I hope life gets better for you soon.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 8:02 am 
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Gulliver wrote:
I think I fall in love too readily. Maybe. Part of me is like "Well yay love love lovely love" and the other part of me is like "Gulliver, it's been two months". How long do people normally wait until they say the L-word?

Earliest: 3 days (together for almost 5 years), longest, maybe 6 months (together for nine months or so)?


Only one time for me: 3 days - and we're still together 24 years later! I know I'm lucky, but I don't understand people who are dating someone and trying to figure out if they like them. How do they not know?!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 6:59 pm 
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Oh Fizzgig! I'm sorry but glad you are doing what you need to do to move on.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2016 10:35 am 
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Thanks, everyone. I am still feeling that this is what I needed to do but it does suck to know that S is hurting and having a rough time with it. I am looking forward to deep cleaning the house and rearranging things once he moves out to make it 'my' space which I think will be healthy. And I'm continuing in therapy to try to be a healthier person so I feel optimistic about the future.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2016 1:59 pm 
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Fizzgig, I had so much guilt when I left my husband 5 years ago, but the difference it's made to and in my life - and his - has been so positive, I kind of wish we'd done it sooner. Good luck, stay strong, and enjoy your new space.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:41 pm 
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My Christmas stocking this year really showed that Mr Moon has been paying to my offhanded remarks about stuff I was wanting around the house. New hair clips, wooden spoons, lighters for my candles, just to name a few.

I felt warm and squishy and happy pulling out every useful, lovely, thoughtful thing.

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