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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 3:04 pm 
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Mars, I totally understand feeling physically ill when something crappy is happening in life! It does get better (as you know), and I personally find that the distraction of work and the people I work with is so much better than mooning about the house, even though in the moment, mooning about the house feels like the best thing to do. And maybe being around all those flowers will be good for your mental health as well. Wish I could just give you a big ol' hug.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 8:40 pm 
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chouettes crêpes wrote:

lycophyte-- it sounds like you weren't having your needs met in that relationship for quite a while before it ended. i'm sure that with a more balanced relationship, where your needs are being met, you won't have to worry about the attachment/ codependent/ whatever-you-want-to-call-it factor. i'm sure you'll find someone with whom your needs and desires will be met and reciprocated. i'm sorry for your loss.



Well, no of course not. But its not like I have time for needs with grad school. And until she got depressed/stressed, it WAS meeting my needs.
I was patient, because she said it had never been this bad for her ever.

And if it WAS co-dependent, I'd be suffering right now because I've been there. And I'm really not. That's why I'm confused! I haven't heehaw cried.

But I do have a lot of stuff to work on without another person, my self confidence is crepe, and its only fake if someone else helps you build that. But there are plenty of things you can't work on on your own either.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 9:08 pm 
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AP, the thing that strikes me is that you seem to spend a lot of time in this thread defending T and his (frankly, crappy) behaviour toward you. I know that you care a lot about him, but from what we can see he isn't treating you very kindly and it is far too early in the relationship for this kind of stuff to be coming up (though, really, ideally it's never coming up).

Mars, this was the advice given to me when my heart was ripped out and it stuck with me. "I know you won't believe this, but just trust me. You're going to feel like you're dying. You're going to be completely, 100% convinced that this will kill you. You won't die. I promise you. You won't die. And you will get through this."

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 9:11 pm 
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Today was a really bad day. I can't stand these moments of being ok with moments of me feeling like I'm going to lose my shiitake and needing a rubber room. All over a dumb forking guy. What hurts the most is the complete silence on his end. I thought he would try to reach out somehow, anyhow. I know I deserve so much better but it just hurts so.forking.much. Please tell me it will get better and I'll find someone who deserves the awesome me. I really hope I see the sun again, right now everything is just a gray shadow full of self-doubts and unworthiness.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 9:20 pm 
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I apparently took too long editing my previous post, so here are the things I attempted to add:

I was wondering is there really someone in the world who wouldn't get stressed ever? I guess there are people who could get clingier when stressed instead of distanter when stressed, and that wouldn't be good either. I guess there could be people who get stressed but can completely leave it out of other realms. That would be great if many people can, but how many can?


Mars- Oh My :( I'm so so sorry. Relationships and love is so complicated. Ugh. His ex-wife is a pretty horrible person, and kids or not, he's gonna regret it. That relationship between him and the ex can never be repaired, it sounds like. And it won't end up being fun for the kids to be in that toxic environment.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 9:20 pm 
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Aw, SD, it will get better. Sorry it is tough. If it helps you at all, know that Sweet Action has vegan pb cup ice cream right now. Just sayin'.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 9:27 pm 
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lycophyte wrote:
I apparently took too long editing my previous post, so here are the things I attempted to add:

I was wondering is there really someone in the world who wouldn't get stressed ever? I guess there are people who could get clingier when stressed instead of distanter when stressed, and that wouldn't be good either. I guess there could be people who get stressed but can completely leave it out of other realms. That would be great if many people can, but how many can?


Mars- Oh My :( I'm so so sorry. Relationships and love is so complicated. Ugh. His ex-wife is a pretty horrible person, and kids or not, he's gonna regret it. That relationship between him and the ex can never be repaired, it sounds like. And it won't end up being fun for the kids to be in that toxic environment.



Lyco, honestly it just sounds like she's trying to blame the end of the relationship on you when for any kind of reason she just wasn't feeling it anymore. She's making you seem unrealistic when as you know, its pretty damn human to be either distant or clingy when stressed and neither is really pleasant, but its kind of the thing about relationships that its not going to be pleasant. It kinda reminds me of my first break up when he was giving me really bullshiitake reasons, and my mom told me that I shouldn't even try to look for answers because he'll never give one that will make me satisfied. And I didn't! You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she meant.

And I wouldn't feel weirded out for not crying! Sometimes you can't or don't feel like it. I cry like a baby over stuff like movies or books, but if something big happens like a break up or a death, I very rarely cry.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 9:43 pm 
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Shy Mox wrote:
Lyco, honestly it just sounds like she's trying to blame the end of the relationship on you when for any kind of reason she just wasn't feeling it anymore. She's making you seem unrealistic when as you know, its pretty damn human to be either distant or clingy when stressed and neither is really pleasant, but its kind of the thing about relationships that its not going to be pleasant. It kinda reminds me of my first break up when he was giving me really bullshiitake reasons, and my mom told me that I shouldn't even try to look for answers because he'll never give one that will make me satisfied. And I didn't! You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she meant.

And I wouldn't feel weirded out for not crying! Sometimes you can't or don't feel like it. I cry like a baby over stuff like movies or books, but if something big happens like a break up or a death, I very rarely cry.


Well, she actually said "its not you, its me." This other stuff came after a sleepless night the day after her surrogate dad died, and lack of communication on this being why she was distant.

She just had a life-changing night where she realized she had to work on her own shiitake, and not worry about thinking about another person's feelings right now. Then, in her newly self-focus, she couldn't quite comprehend my emotionality. So, yeah she wasn't feeling it anymore in some ways. She said she still loves me but can't do the defined thing. Which is ok because its how we started. Well it WAS ok. Maybe it still will be since I kinda I am definitely getting too far into the "I don't believe in relationships or love as anything other than an emotional and chemical urge and addiction because of these evolutionary vestiges to keep our species going" so it may be alllll over for me in that realm, for ever. I really think I managed to kill Santa Claus this time.

Well, ok, its not over, but I can never see love as some magical special thing that comes down from the heavens. More like "my brain likes this when its going well, and gives me chemical rewards to keep seeking it." And so maybe I found my detachment I've been hoping for.

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Last edited by lycophyte on Thu May 09, 2013 9:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 9:44 pm 
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Mars wrote:
I can't get out of bed. I can't stomach food. I have to work at 1, it's almost 11 and I don't know if I can do it. I think I feel actually way forking worse than my breakup with my ex husband. I felt super depressed at times with him but now I feel physically sick, like unsure how I'm going to make it through this. I don't mean that to worry you all, I will never self-harm... But I feel like my body just can't handle this. I have a splitting headache, sometimes feel like I can hardly breathe. I want to text/call him so bad but it's so unfair, especially because he's at work.


Mars, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm thinking about you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 9:51 pm 
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j-dub wrote:
AP, the thing that strikes me is that you seem to spend a lot of time in this thread defending T and his (frankly, crappy) behaviour toward you. I know that you care a lot about him, but from what we can see he isn't treating you very kindly and it is far too early in the relationship for this kind of stuff to be coming up (though, really, ideally it's never coming up).

Mars, this was the advice given to me when my heart was ripped out and it stuck with me. "I know you won't believe this, but just trust me. You're going to feel like you're dying. You're going to be completely, 100% convinced that this will kill you. You won't die. I promise you. You won't die. And you will get through this."


You are so wise.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 9:53 pm 
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Oh Mars, I'm so sorry. I hope work was a good distraction from everything. Thinking of you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 10:04 pm 
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flavabean wrote:
Thinking of you Mars. Please take care of yourself. **hugs**

My new guy is starting to break away from me a little bit. He's worried that I'm using him as a rebound (working through a difficult divorce right now). Granted, I wasn't expecting to date for a very long time, so this relationship has taken me by surprise, but I really do honestly like him. I really don't know what to say to convince him that I'm in this for the right/real reasons.

Ugh, I wish I could sign up for some sort of program where people call/text me throughout the day and tell me that all is well and that I'm loved. That'd be awesome, because I'm definitely feeling a lack of love in my life right now.


1) this is a great idea. You should totally make an iPhone app for that and

2) I feel a little silly saying this because I only know you on the Internet, but i totally love you and it always makes me feel a little happy to see you post on the PPK (even when it's not a happy post.)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 10:36 pm 
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flavabean wrote:
Thinking of you Mars. Please take care of yourself. **hugs**

My new guy is starting to break away from me a little bit. He's worried that I'm using him as a rebound (working through a difficult divorce right now). Granted, I wasn't expecting to date for a very long time, so this relationship has taken me by surprise, but I really do honestly like him. I really don't know what to say to convince him that I'm in this for the right/real reasons.

Ugh, I wish I could sign up for some sort of program where people call/text me throughout the day and tell me that all is well and that I'm loved. That'd be awesome, because I'm definitely feeling a lack of love in my life right now.



budist.ru ! They might think they're waking you up for something, though. (It's going to launch internationally as wakey, eventually)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 1:00 am 
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Thanks, all. Work did help. It helps that I work with 2 people that love me. But even after they left, just talking with customers was nice.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 7:14 am 
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I'm glad you made it through, Mars.


<3 to alll!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 7:31 am 
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j-dub wrote:
AP, the thing that strikes me is that you seem to spend a lot of time in this thread defending T and his (frankly, crappy) behaviour toward you. I know that you care a lot about him, but from what we can see he isn't treating you very kindly and it is far too early in the relationship for this kind of stuff to be coming up (though, really, ideally it's never coming up).


Here's the thing. 99% of the time, he is the most awesome and amazing dude. I know that he has never been in a relationship like this and is still learning the ins and outs of all of it. People have bad days. Sometimes people push away the ones they love in order to deal with their bad days. I understand that, because I do it too. He is not unkind to me. And I spend a LOT of time in here rejoicing the awesome times we have together, but, as is human nature, people tend to focus on the negative. I appreciate all of the advice and wisdom everyone has offered to me. I just also understand what he is going through and am willing to work with him on it rather than tell him to fork off. Yeah, it's early for us to be going through problems, but the nature of our situation is just made for some problems to come up. It's not ideal! But it's not worth tossing away just because we're both going through a stressful thing because of my psychotic ex.

Goddamnit, I wish I had never dated that crasshole.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 8:01 am 
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coldandsleepy wrote:
2) I feel a little silly saying this because I only know you on the Internet, but i totally love you and it always makes me feel a little happy to see you post on the PPK (even when it's not a happy post.)


Oh geez, you just made my day! It's nice to be wanted!
Seeing the boy this weekend. I'm hoping I can convince him that my feelings for him are genuine without sounding Ultra Desperate.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 8:21 am 
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flavabean wrote:
coldandsleepy wrote:
2) I feel a little silly saying this because I only know you on the Internet, but i totally love you and it always makes me feel a little happy to see you post on the PPK (even when it's not a happy post.)


Oh geez, you just made my day! It's nice to be wanted!
Seeing the boy this weekend. I'm hoping I can convince him that my feelings for him are genuine without sounding Ultra Desperate.


I'm chiming in with another "You are LOVELY!" You're wonderful on the internet and just as lovely in person.

I don't think you should focus on proving anything to this guy, just be your lovely, warm and sweet self! I think the problem with giving another person's fears a lot of energy - even if its trying to prove that they aren't true - is that you're still focussing on the negative, and sometimes its just better to focus on positives instead. None of us ever have guarantees going into relationships :)

Oh, and if it makes you feel better, a friend of mine met his GF while she was in the most messy, horrible divorce (he is a lawyer so he does nothing but write horrible motions and file them for free bc he wants to run up her court costs) and they've been together for 7 years and are so very in love. And he adores her kids.

I hope things with your divorce go more smoothly so you and your ex can focus on being great co-parents and happy with your new lives apart <3

allularpunk wrote:
I know that he has never been in a relationship like this and is still learning the ins and outs of all of it. ... I just also understand what he is going through and am willing to work with him on it rather than tell him to fork off. ... Goddamnit, I wish I had never dated that crasshole.


AP, I totally hear you that its good to work on problems (I feel like if you don't, they just reappear in your next relationship anyways), and I don't think anyone should be telling you to dump T, but I also think that maybe one of the pieces to work on is being really clear about your boundaries and what you need to be happy. In your last post you focus on what is wrong with T and wanting to help him work through it, but its also interesting to look at what you need and how you contribute to the patterns (what do you allow, how clear are you with boundaries etc). You dated your ex for a long time and it was a serious relationship, so you're in a great position to look at what made you overlook signs of your ex's behavior, what you put up with and what you have learned that you can take forward to have a happier relationship with T or someone else. He wasn't just some crasshole that you dated accidentally - you chose that relationship, and there is something to learn about why. Just my two cents, as someone who is on the same journey you are! I can get really annoyed at my partner and point the finger, but I have had these experiences in other relationships too, so its worth looking at why.

Big hugs to all those in the thread!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 8:37 am 
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I feel weird reading this thread because I honestly have no real concept of what relationship troubles feel like. I've been with my T. since I was 17, and granted I did date A LOT before him (what can I say, I was hot and guys liked me), but the only time our relationship had trouble was because of ME and my stupidity several years ago. And like, other than the time I took him for granted once, it's been totally blissful for 12 years. I'm not saying that to brag or make anyone feel bad, but rather offer some hope that it's not all shiitake. As the years pass, I love him even more than I did when I was first crushing on him in year one or two. We've grown together and I'm so proud of where we are now vs. where we started out.

I just felt like I needed to add some smiles to an otherwise sad thread.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 8:44 am 
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flavabean wrote:
coldandsleepy wrote:
2) I feel a little silly saying this because I only know you on the Internet, but i totally love you and it always makes me feel a little happy to see you post on the PPK (even when it's not a happy post.)


Oh geez, you just made my day! It's nice to be wanted!
Seeing the boy this weekend. I'm hoping I can convince him that my feelings for him are genuine without sounding Ultra Desperate.

Can you just tell him what you told us in your last post? That you weren't expecting to date for a long time, that this realtionship took you by surprise, but that you honestly really do like him a lot and think you're in it for the right reasons? I don't think being honest is desperate.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 11:17 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
but I also think that maybe one of the pieces to work on is being really clear about your boundaries and what you need to be happy. In your last post you focus on what is wrong with T and wanting to help him work through it, but its also interesting to look at what you need and how you contribute to the patterns (what do you allow, how clear are you with boundaries etc).


Yes yes yes! AP, you mentioned that both you and T are hugely avoidant of confrontations, and I think it's what is feeding your problems right now. And if you don't work on stopping that pattern it is only going to get stronger. For the long term health of your relationship, you need to find a way to clearly tell your guy when he's being less than awesome (like when he ignores you because of work problems, or when he is snarky towards you because he is afraid of talking about how he feels), and he needs to figure out a way to take in and respond to that information gracefully.

I come from a non-communicative family and when I met Wally, I was very confrontation-avoidant, too. The first time I was upset at him he had to really drag it out of me. Learning how to tell him (and anyone else) when things aren't ok has been both the hardest thing I have ever had to learn to do, and the most rewarding in all the relationships in my life (it radically changed my relationship with my mother, among other things). To this day, if a problem feels really big to me, I will be crying and physically shaking from head to toe as I tell him about it, but I say it all anyway. Sometimes I feel like I am going to throw up. It is hard. I spent my entire life trying to rationalize why I didn't really need to have these conversations. But no, it needs to be done.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 11:22 am 
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paprikapapaya wrote:
I feel weird reading this thread because I honestly have no real concept of what relationship troubles feel like. I've been with my T. since I was 17, and granted I did date A LOT before him (what can I say, I was hot and guys liked me), but the only time our relationship had trouble was because of ME and my stupidity several years ago. And like, other than the time I took him for granted once, it's been totally blissful for 12 years. I'm not saying that to brag or make anyone feel bad, but rather offer some hope that it's not all shiitake. As the years pass, I love him even more than I did when I was first crushing on him in year one or two. We've grown together and I'm so proud of where we are now vs. where we started out.

I just felt like I needed to add some smiles to an otherwise sad thread.


Yay! Yeah, we had some good times in here awhile ago, I suppose but it became springtime, and why is it that this stuff happens the most in the spring?

But your story (and similar) does on occasion make me heartened again!

Haha, sometimes I wish I came from divorced family because I would have gone into this whole dating thing all that time ago, with more protective cynicism! As it is, my parents are still pretty happily married 36 years, and married within the year they started dating. So I've had to build that cynicism on my own. Sorry I've been so cynical in this thread though. I'll shut up about that. :p

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 11:26 am 
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I get it, aelle. I mean, when I have to talk about something serious, my heart pounds and I feel dizzy. I don't know where this comes from, probably from getting yelled at by my ex for so long, because I haven't always been like this. But I've been getting better at telling him that he is acting in a not cool way! I guess I haven't said anything in here about it because I'm afraid the focus would be that he is saying something uncool to me, but like I said, we're both learning to get over our own insecurities. Anyway, this weekend, we had an argument over something hurtful he said to me because of his insecurity about the future of our relationship. After we both calmed down, I said to him, 'Hey, I know that the only way to prove that [thing] isn't going to happen is to just continue to not do [that thing], but in the meantime, can you not say that to me? I know it's because of something I said to you about my past relationships, but this is not them, and when you predict [this thing happening] it's disrespectful and it hurts my feelings.' And he agreed and apologized and we moved on. So errbody please chillax on the setting boundaries and shaping behavior talk, I'm working on it!

In related-ish news, things are back to normal between us and we're back to texting each other all day about touching my boobs and picking out paint colors for his house.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 11:39 am 
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Ok, I've been doing fairly well in terms of my recent break up I think. But I'm irked (and was irked even when we were together, shrugged it off because I knew J wouldn't do anything) about this girl he flirts with on FB. In person, he's normal with her, but they have a lot of FB interaction. She's not my type of girl, but she's cute and he admitted to me that he had a crush on her for a long time before we dated. They lived together as roomies for a short time and then after that he said he thought of her as a sister. Anyways...
They've been leaving little things here and there on each others' pages on FB and are even going to a thing together tonight. They've always done this stuff. I know how to make it so I can "not see" his or her stuff, but I'm still kind of bothered by this. WHY am I bothered if I know how emotionally damaged he is? Is it because I think that they're going to start up a relationship that would somehow be better than what ours was? We broke up a week ago. She has a history of getting involved with people that are emotionally screwed up, so it might happen. Can someone provide some outside perspective? Anything would give me piece of mind at this point.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 11:42 am 
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Mispronounces Daiya
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Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:21 pm
Posts: 1486
Location: Hamburg, Germany
Alright! I'm glad things are progessing for you. And (like Tofulish) I don't think at all that you should DTMFA at all, because you do sound super happy with him most of the time, and also because I tend to think that we all unconsciously create our own environment in which relationship drama can grow, and if you don't work on it in this relationship you will have to work on it in the next one. I just think from experience that outside of an early window, it becomes exponentially more difficult to undo that environment as time passes. So it's great that you are both working on your patterns!

In other news, I am now in France and told my mom and siblings about the wedding, and asked my sister to be my witness. Everyone is excited!

I have also managed to avoid getting angsty about telling and involving my father so far (like I said, non communicative family... my parents started getting separated around the time Wally and I got together and it still is a complete mess. I am not looking forward to having them in the same room. Also, my father has not called or emailed in 2 years. I am not willing to cut him out of my life entirely though). I hope I can handle that like an adult and that my mother can let me handle it on my own, too. No need to stress about drama before it even comes up. One thing at a time.


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