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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 11:58 am 
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sarahnorine wrote:
Ok, I've been doing fairly well in terms of my recent break up I think. But I'm irked (and was irked even when we were together, shrugged it off because I knew J wouldn't do anything) about this girl he flirts with on FB. In person, he's normal with her, but they have a lot of FB interaction. She's not my type of girl, but she's cute and he admitted to me that he had a crush on her for a long time before we dated. They lived together as roomies for a short time and then after that he said he thought of her as a sister. Anyways...
They've been leaving little things here and there on each others' pages on FB and are even going to a thing together tonight. They've always done this stuff. I know how to make it so I can "not see" his or her stuff, but I'm still kind of bothered by this. WHY am I bothered if I know how emotionally damaged he is? Is it because I think that they're going to start up a relationship that would somehow be better than what ours was? We broke up a week ago. She has a history of getting involved with people that are emotionally screwed up, so it might happen. Can someone provide some outside perspective? Anything would give me piece of mind at this point.


I know you know this (even hinted at it here), but you need to just block both of them. Don't just hide them, because then you can still go to their pages and see stuff. BLOCK THEM. Blocking everyone who drives me crazy on facebook has made my life so much better, because I have no willpower and will just get curious and go look at their pages whenever I'm thinking about them. When you block them, they can't see you, but you can't see them either! When you can't see them, eventually you will stop thinking about them so much.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 12:19 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
sarahnorine wrote:
Ok, I've been doing fairly well in terms of my recent break up I think. But I'm irked (and was irked even when we were together, shrugged it off because I knew J wouldn't do anything) about this girl he flirts with on FB. In person, he's normal with her, but they have a lot of FB interaction. She's not my type of girl, but she's cute and he admitted to me that he had a crush on her for a long time before we dated. They lived together as roomies for a short time and then after that he said he thought of her as a sister. Anyways...
They've been leaving little things here and there on each others' pages on FB and are even going to a thing together tonight. They've always done this stuff. I know how to make it so I can "not see" his or her stuff, but I'm still kind of bothered by this. WHY am I bothered if I know how emotionally damaged he is? Is it because I think that they're going to start up a relationship that would somehow be better than what ours was? We broke up a week ago. She has a history of getting involved with people that are emotionally screwed up, so it might happen. Can someone provide some outside perspective? Anything would give me piece of mind at this point.


I know you know this (even hinted at it here), but you need to just block both of them. Don't just hide them, because then you can still go to their pages and see stuff. BLOCK THEM. Blocking everyone who drives me crazy on facebook has made my life so much better, because I have no willpower and will just get curious and go look at their pages whenever I'm thinking about them. When you block them, they can't see you, but you can't see them either! When you can't see them, eventually you will stop thinking about them so much.


Yeah, I know I can do that. I'm more concerned with the feelings I'm feeling right now and dealing with those. Because I'm eventually going to have to come to terms with them and deal with them anyway and I feel that if I just ignored what's going on (by deleting both of them), I wouldn't necessarily be dealing with them, you know? I know he couldn't leave what we had unscathed, so if they started a relationship or what have you, it likely wouldn't last, right? We both loved each other very much and I really do want to see him happy. So I guess I can just count on that? I think this means that I'm holding onto him in a way still, when I really thought I emotionally checked out of the relationship because he wasn't a good partner for me-the bad outweighed the good with him, point blank. He needed to grow up and deal with his mental problems.
Ugh. I don't know. I need help. This morning was going really well up until I started thinking about it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 12:22 pm 
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I'm not saying you should ignore your feelings, I just think that not looking at their stuff will help you gain your own perspective on it, once you get some distance.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 12:42 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
I'm not saying you should ignore your feelings, I just think that not looking at their stuff will help you gain your own perspective on it, once you get some distance.

Ok. I do appreciate your advice. I've considered deleting them or her or whatever-I just feel like it would lead me to a road of being in denial about the whole thing. They're both great people and I really wanted to try to be friends with her and even with him at some point in time, regardless of what goes on (if anything!) between them.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 1:00 pm 
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paprikapapaya wrote:
I feel weird reading this thread because I honestly have no real concept of what relationship troubles feel like. I've been with my T. since I was 17, and granted I did date A LOT before him (what can I say, I was hot and guys liked me), but the only time our relationship had trouble was because of ME and my stupidity several years ago. And like, other than the time I took him for granted once, it's been totally blissful for 12 years. I'm not saying that to brag or make anyone feel bad, but rather offer some hope that it's not all shiitake. As the years pass, I love him even more than I did when I was first crushing on him in year one or two. We've grown together and I'm so proud of where we are now vs. where we started out.

I just felt like I needed to add some smiles to an otherwise sad thread.

Yay! You guys are truly a lovely couple!

A friend of mine always dated dudes who weren't right for her and she just sort of thought that's how romance and intimacy and relationships were and yeah, she says it's nice to finally get it right and it feels different too to be in an easygoing relationship that just works and feels natural. "It's just so much easier now." This is what she tells me about her current flame of 14 years in comparison to, say, her ex-hub. She says her relationship is so smooth and easy and most everything works without much fuss and few misunderstandings and strain than the dramz of days gone by.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 1:09 pm 
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That is eally nice to read. :)

I feel like my relationship (we've been together for 3 years, but fell in love 5/6 years ago) is awesome when we both are mentally stable and it's up/down when it's not. At least most of the time we're not in the worst state at the same time... The feeling of not being able to help sucks so much. I am kinda amazed that my boyfriend got together with me at a time when I was very mentally unstable. He really helped me in that time. And I kinda feel like I'm not able to help him with his problems at all :/

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 1:23 pm 
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paprikapapaya wrote:
I feel weird reading this thread because I honestly have no real concept of what relationship troubles feel like. I've been with my T. since I was 17, and granted I did date A LOT before him (what can I say, I was hot and guys liked me), but the only time our relationship had trouble was because of ME and my stupidity several years ago. And like, other than the time I took him for granted once, it's been totally blissful for 12 years. I'm not saying that to brag or make anyone feel bad, but rather offer some hope that it's not all shiitake. As the years pass, I love him even more than I did when I was first crushing on him in year one or two. We've grown together and I'm so proud of where we are now vs. where we started out.

I just felt like I needed to add some smiles to an otherwise sad thread.

This is really lovely to read. I'm not in relationship-looking-for-mode right now but it's good to know that this is a thing that happens.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 1:31 pm 
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paprikapapaya wrote:
I feel weird reading this thread because I honestly have no real concept of what relationship troubles feel like. I've been with my T. since I was 17, and granted I did date A LOT before him (what can I say, I was hot and guys liked me), but the only time our relationship had trouble was because of ME and my stupidity several years ago. And like, other than the time I took him for granted once, it's been totally blissful for 12 years. I'm not saying that to brag or make anyone feel bad, but rather offer some hope that it's not all shiitake. As the years pass, I love him even more than I did when I was first crushing on him in year one or two. We've grown together and I'm so proud of where we are now vs. where we started out.

I just felt like I needed to add some smiles to an otherwise sad thread.

More joy! We don't celebrate the good times nearly enough.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 1:58 pm 
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I drew a story in crayon in the style of a childrens book about a cat who goes on an adventure to stop a forest fire, makes a whole lot of friends along the way, saves the day, then eats of all of his new friends. I gave it to my partner as a birthday present and she loved it.

I love how silly my partner and I can be together. I think with every other person I've ever dated I had to tone it down. Maybe in the grand scheme of things that's a rather small detail, but in the context of how well we seem to mesh in other areas I kind of think I'm getting it right for the first time too.

Granted: Only been dating for 7 months, so it's still early, but in terms of romance I'm really content right now.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 2:10 pm 
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Oh my god, I couldn't imagine sacrificing silliness! Just this lunch hour, T. was texting me to make me feel better about not being able to participate at the ice cream social at work by texting me unlikely ice cream flavours. When he sent me a text that simply said "sandwich ice cream" I just cracked up. Each night before I inevitably go to bed hours before him, we hug and say Goodnight a million times with different made up pet names each time. Goodnight icecreamface, goodnight hotdogbutt, goodnight lovebrains, and so on, trying to out-ridiculous the last one. Oh, and fart jokes constantly. I couldn't imagine not having the silliness. The silliness must stay!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 2:55 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
So errbody please chillax on the setting boundaries and shaping behavior talk, I'm working on it!


I hope you realize that people will continue to weigh in on your relationship drama as long as you keep posting about it! I mean, vent and whatever, but if you post things on a public internet message board, it's pretty fair game for people to comment on them. If you post things like that T is ignoring you (which it turns out he wasn't, but we couldn't know that), then people are going to react to that and have opinions and things, and luckily, here on the PPK, those opinions are going to be motivated by people being concerned and wanting good things for you. I mean, everyone has tough times and less-than-perfect days, but not everyone posts about it, so I think people reasonably interpret posting as sort of a request for comment.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, in case that's what it sounds like. I think it's just important to realize what people are responding too. We only have what you post here, and the fact that you're posting it in the first place, to go on.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 3:25 pm 
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You're right, and I need to vent less.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 9:33 pm 
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paprikapapaya wrote:
I feel weird reading this thread because I honestly have no real concept of what relationship troubles feel like. I've been with my T. since I was 17, and granted I did date A LOT before him (what can I say, I was hot and guys liked me), but the only time our relationship had trouble was because of ME and my stupidity several years ago. And like, other than the time I took him for granted once, it's been totally blissful for 12 years. I'm not saying that to brag or make anyone feel bad, but rather offer some hope that it's not all shiitake. As the years pass, I love him even more than I did when I was first crushing on him in year one or two. We've grown together and I'm so proud of where we are now vs. where we started out.

I just felt like I needed to add some smiles to an otherwise sad thread.


This. Mr Moon and I have been together 11 years, since I was 18, and we have had crummy patches but never anything relationship jeopardizing. Sure, it would be great if he actually managed to get his qtips in the garbage can instead of on the floor and would tell me when he's run out of clean socks (I do laundry in exchange for him vacuuming) but if that's the worst relationship problems we are having at any given time, that has to be a good sign.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 10:56 pm 
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99.99% of "arguments" me and my boyfriend of two years have are about who loves who more or who is more adorable. Sometimes we stop and wonder when we've become one of those couples and feel a little sickened.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 12:11 am 
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I don't have much to say other than I don't really want to leave this thread. I had a thought a while back that said "why do I keep dating people who still have all this Ex-drama in their lives?" But then I said, well, it's only been two really since my Husband, that's just silly coincidence. But today I remembered waaaaay 7 years back... Actually everyone I've dated (other than my ex-husband) has either been fresh out of a major thing, OR actively still in one and me being an affair. WHOA NELLIE. No wonder the ONE person I date who is AVAILABLE FOR DATING... I end up marrying. Argh. I'm super drawn to people who are hurting I think.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 1:01 am 
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I am one more voice of happy. I love my husband so, so much. We are not perfect by any means, but we went through a lot together, still adore each other, and only ever bicker when I make mess, and even then it's jokey and lasts like five seconds. I know that relationships change with life and become more/less difficult, but I am super stoked that I married my best friend. I am very fortunate.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 5:42 am 
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i'm really stressed out he was suppose to meet me for coffee and he blew me off. yet another race day ruined. but he's also pretty definitively told me he can't ever talk to me again. what i don't understand is why. i was there for all his panic attacks and signed him up for therapy and now it's splitsville.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 6:30 am 
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Mars wrote:
Argh. I'm super drawn to people who are hurting I think.


This.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 6:31 am 
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vijita wrote:
I am one more voice of happy. I love my husband so, so much. We are not perfect by any means, but we went through a lot together, still adore each other, and only ever bicker when I make mess, and even then it's jokey and lasts like five seconds. I know that relationships change with life and become more/less difficult, but I am super stoked that I married my best friend. I am very fortunate.

So great! Love this. It gives me hope.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 7:29 am 
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Thanks paprikapapaya and vijita for sharing your happy stories! I'm currently single and totally satisfied with that, but it's nice to know that happiness is totally attainable :).


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 8:10 am 
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fupapack wrote:
i'm really stressed out he was suppose to meet me for coffee and he blew me off. yet another race day ruined. but he's also pretty definitively told me he can't ever talk to me again. what i don't understand is why. i was there for all his panic attacks and signed him up for therapy and now it's splitsville.



Yeah, well maybe he actually wants to work on himself, and not worry about other people. That's how it was with my most recent. Stuck through the worst, to get put aside while the pieces are picked up.

My situation isn't as bad, she hasn't so far wanted to not talk to me ever, but maybe he has to work on a lot of stuff, and knows that he can't do that living in the past

Mars- those kinds of realizations are kind of what are helpful about breakups. Patterns eventually emerge that can help in the long run.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 8:31 am 
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fupapack wrote:
i'm really stressed out he was suppose to meet me for coffee and he blew me off. yet another race day ruined. but he's also pretty definitively told me he can't ever talk to me again. what i don't understand is why. i was there for all his panic attacks and signed him up for therapy and now it's splitsville.


Maybe think of this as an addiction that you have to quit cold turkey for like a month. And then you could go back together and talk about it objectively? But now you're just building resentments, I think. And hurting yourself. Do something else. Do anything else. Learn Dutch. Bake a cake.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 9:38 am 
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Fupa, don't let that jerk ruin your race season. You do what you need to do to ride your bike fast.

It doesn't matter why he did anything he did because he is no longer your problem.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 1:52 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
It doesn't matter why he did anything he did because he is no longer your problem.


Great advice.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 2:10 pm 
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fetalexplosion wrote:
fupapack wrote:
i'm really stressed out he was suppose to meet me for coffee and he blew me off. yet another race day ruined. but he's also pretty definitively told me he can't ever talk to me again. what i don't understand is why. i was there for all his panic attacks and signed him up for therapy and now it's splitsville.


Maybe think of this as an addiction that you have to quit cold turkey for like a month. And then you could go back together and talk about it objectively? But now you're just building resentments, I think. And hurting yourself. Do something else. Do anything else. Learn Dutch. Bake a cake.

This this this is true and is pretty much the best breakup advice I ever got. Whether you want this person to remain in your life or not, you need a little space first to make that decision, even if it sucks and all you want to do is talk to the person. Ride your bike and make cool dresses and take care of yourself.

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