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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 4:03 pm 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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Thanks guys! I might finally be getting. After talking to some friends they said the same thing, like just give him space who knows he may come back. But he won't come back right now with all this intensity.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2013 4:30 pm 
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Fupa. You are awesome. Don't be me and get hung on some stupid guy and not move on or date ever again. Listen to JoPa--she is wise. You deserve piles of good things, so go get them.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 5:55 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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ugh last night all i wanted to do was talk to him and let him know that i won. but i didn't. this is a pretty big step for me i had been calling, texting and emailing him. and he'd respond maybe 60% of the time. but i did not try and contact him yesterday. i woke up this morning and the first thing i thought was, I wish Kyle was here. I think the thing that hurts the most is that when he decided he didnt want me anymore instead of breaking up with me or having a conversation he just blocked me from his phone, email, and facebook. it wasn't until a few weeks later that he broke up with me in person.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 6:05 am 
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fupapack wrote:
I think the thing that hurts the most is that when he decided he didnt want me anymore instead of breaking up with me or having a conversation he just blocked me from his phone, email, and facebook. it wasn't until a few weeks later that he broke up with me in person.


You deserve SO MUCH BETTER. That is a crasshole move if there ever was one.
I am going to give you the advice that I have given my roommate a thousand times (he been in a VERY messed up relationship for the past 8 months, with a girl half his age who has been forking him over so badly that I want to yell at her when I see her) - It's not hard to be nice and awesome when things are going well. It's how you act when things aren't going well that defines what kind of person you are. Being stressed or depressed or whatever is NOT an excuse to be a crasshole to people around you. No matter what happens, you need to treat people with respect. Kyle is not being respectful to you. He wasn't even respectful to you in the last weeks of your relationship - hell, he couldn't even be inconvenienced with TELLING YOU that he didn't want to be with you anymore. That is horribly selfish and he does not deserve you. And you need to watch some awesome, inspirational movies while eating icecream, and then you need to raise your head, go biking, splurge on a new, killer outfit, go out and let yourself feel that YOU CAN DO BETTER. You have to do better and you WILL do better, because you do not have to let any jerk fork you over like that.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 6:10 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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I know, I know! but all I want is him, my heart is dumb,


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 6:27 am 
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Fupa! Smoothie is wise - listen to her advice. I'm going thru the same thing as you, although I did the breaking up in an email a week ago and haven't heard one word since. That says it all. Mornings are hardest for me, that's when I think about him the most. And it's much easier for your mind to think about the good in him, not the bad. But think about all the times you've been let down - let yourself get angry! I didn't believe it a week ago when my friend said I'd get through this, but you do, day by day. You deserve so much more. Hugs.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 6:35 am 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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When the heart is dumb, listen to your head instead! Take one day at a time - what are you doing today to make yourself feel good?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 7:01 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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Life is hard. it's hard i kinda hate when my friends say things like "but you're young! you'll find someone". i feel like it discounts things but saying i'm young. and young compared to who? and i already found someone and he's gone. i've been through one other huge breakup and it forked up my life for years and i compared everyone to him and honestly i don't think i was really over him until i met kyle. i do think about the times he's let me down but i think the good outweighs the bad.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 7:03 am 
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smoothie wrote:
Take one day at a time - what are you doing today to make yourself feel good?

exactly. Fupa, we make habits and then when things change they hurt so bad. I'm so sorry. What can you do to get through today? A few years ago I went through a really, really bad time and a friend looked out for me and got through my head that I needed to treat myself like something fragile. So for a while I ended up treating myself like a little old lady. Nice cup of tea, check. sitting still with nice music on, check. Taking it EASY as if I were taking care of my gramma instead of myself. Give yourself the care you need.

[i know this is hard to mesh with your kickass race-winning self, but you'll find a way. kickass race-winning fragile granny? hang in there, you will get through this.]

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 7:11 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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it's just nothing feels good even when i was racing i was thinking about him. broken heart club. i just don't understand why.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 7:17 am 
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I am sorry you're hurting fupapack. Big congratulations on winning your race, you are awesome! And it takes something to keep going when you're hurting, so double kudos on the win.

And I remember you posting in the "My Partner is Awesome" thread and it really does sound like K was very sweet to you at times (dyeing your hair, sending you flowers). And I totally understand grieving for those times and that experience and hoping that they'll come back. And no one can make you be done grieving if you're not ready to be done. That said, at a certain point, you have the choice as to where you want to put your energy. You can't stop the sad thought, or the missing, or the regrets from popping up, but you don't have to follow them very far. I have a really hard time not going down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts, so I'll take on a mantra/affirmation for the day, and if a disempowering thought pops up, I try and remember to repeat the mantra, to break the cycle and focus on something else - generally something silly or that makes me smile.

I wish you lots of peace and healing at this very difficult time.

And congratulations SD, for moving on, a day at a time.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 7:41 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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i'm really obsessive about everything though, it's so incredibly hard to have mental willpower. i also hate how everyone says that i'm strong and i'll get through this. i dont want to be strong I want all the help I can get (i've got contacts with mental health prof but i think i mean something else that i can't describe i don't know) . I tried talking to my father about it and he ended up just sending my brother over my house who is developmental delayed so I dont understand how I could have an intense about this with him. and it was 3 or 4 days ago when in all honesty i was pretty dark and thinking about hurting myself and father's response was to send over my brother?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 8:20 am 
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maybe that was the best solution he could come up with, to send somebody, anybody, and someone who loves you? [just an idea]
i know in the past when i've tried to express my depression to my husband he's not really understood what it meant and what would help (hell, if i knew what helped i would have done it). he meant well but didn't quite get it.

it sounds like you could benefit from some more ears. could you call a line like the samaritans (even if you're not thinking about harming yourself they can be good to talk to)? or your mental health people, maybe just to look for some more resources where you can talk through what's going on and what else you need.
big hugs.
another thing, when i was really, really down in the pit of misery i bumbled myself into a volunteer project just because i thought i was just a few breaths away from hurting myself and a kind friend suggested it. [i built three habitat for humanity houses not far from your neighborhood, actually, just off of Chalkstone!] It got me from one hour to the next and stopped me from thinking about my situation, which was just too much to consider. Is there anything you can do that will force you to think about something else at those times when you are feeling most vulnerable?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 8:51 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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yeah i'm seeing someone right now and it's not incredibly helpful. i think you make a good point i need to expand my world view so i'm so inwardly focused. there's actually been some research that shows people with depression who are involved with some sort of volunteerism have a better prognosis.

so the week he stopped talking to me he invited me to his friends wedding and we had picked out a ring recently for us and he was saving up. it's all so heavy. it's hard to think it could go from one extreme to the opposite. it hurts so bad. we broke up for a few months in the fall but he came back. i don't even want to go to work today. on top of it all i don't have a mom and everyone is going to be blabbering on about mother's day.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 9:29 am 
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One day at a time, Fupa! I know that everyone's advice might sound hollow and not what you need to hear, but it's all relevant. Breakups are brutal and yeah, they ruin your life for awhile, but you will rebuild! I think it's a great idea to kind of distract yourself. My good friend just went through an awful breakup followed mere days later by a massive car accident, and she found just moving (which you are already doing with your racing) really helpful. We started ballet classes together, she started running, we walked her dog on the beach, we took a cooking class, she picked up extra shifts at work. And counselling; so if your current person isn't helping, it's totally a good idea to shop around for another.

I have been through some bad breakups, and am currently going through a bad work situation, and I really really love getting in to a bath. There is no one around, I am so alone, and there is something so therapeutic about putting your ears underwater and hearing nothing. It also makes me realize how much stress moves into my muscles and bones, and given that you are an athlete, you need those to be nurtured!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 9:45 am 
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fupapack wrote:
on top of it all i don't have a mom and everyone is going to be blabbering on about mother's day.

I don't either. We can be sad together!

Just take care of yourself, fupa. Pamper and love yourself right now. It's a difficult time and that's all right. <3 <3 <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 9:54 am 
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fupapack wrote:
I think the thing that hurts the most is that when he decided he didnt want me anymore instead of breaking up with me or having a conversation he just blocked me from his phone, email, and facebook. it wasn't until a few weeks later that he broke up with me in person.

I've been dumped this way more than once and I just wanted to say that everyone's advice in this thread is great. I know it hurts and I know even the best things don't feel good now and I'm really, really sorry.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 10:54 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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Thanks guys you all are awesone!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 12:12 pm 
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ScooterDiva wrote:
And it's much easier for your mind to think about the good in him, not the bad. But think about all the times you've been let down - let yourself get angry!

This is exactly how I got through an awful breakup a few years ago. I made a list of all the things that drove me crazy about him or things that were dealbreakers, and I referred to it every time I missed him. The list includes things like "remember getting pushed out of bed every night" and "remember how he calls mutually owned things his and not ours". Then there are more major things on the list, like a reminder that he never wanted to have kids, and I do. Some of the things on the list are even kind of mean-spirited, but I made it when I was feeling like a total mess, and it makes sense that I'd write some anger-driven stuff. And nobody else will ever see the list, so writing stuff like that down is okay and actually a huge relief.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 3:36 pm 
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Fupa, I don't know you, and don't post that much here, though I read this and other threads where you contribute. And I just want to reiterate that you are smart and witty, a capable and strong racer, stylish, wonderfully creative (the dresses you make are gorgeous), and compassionate towards the animals. You deserve to be treated and respected like the fabulous person you are. As does each one of us.

I totally hear you about hating the "this will make you stronger" and "you'll find someone." Those comments are clearly well-intended, but they can cause more sting, even if they are true. When I went through my own catastrophic breakup, I just remember thinking "I don't need to be more strong! I don't need more character!" And I didn't want to meet someone else, ever, because I loved the man I loved (he was my longtime partner with whom I lived, and he dumped me over the phone while he was out of town and I never saw him again).

Just remember that you can get over him, you will get over him, and it will suck, and you will feel like you can't do it. But you can, and you will, and you will be okay, and one day--you will be so happy making dresses and bike racing and being with someone--even if it's just being with yourself for awhile--who treats you so well.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 6:14 pm 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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That's such a sweet post, thanks so much. Im with buddies right now and we arr going to see the yeah yeah yeahs tonight! Things aren't so bad.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 6:58 pm 
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Think of it like training - you need to do the hard, shitty intervals to get fast, and you need to do the hard shitty work to get over this guy and move on. It's not fun, but it's effective.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2013 7:39 am 
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Spent the nicest day with my guy yesterday...had a great morning followed by going to meet the family that basically adopted him when he came here for graduate school. They were awesome and welcoming and he just kept pulling me close and telling me how special I was to him. Then this morning we just spooned and cuddled and talked about how amazing being together is and how much we mean to each other and he helped me get my plants back outside. We were going over our plans for the day and I said I wouldn't be done with my book club meeting until about 9 and he was bummed that it was late-ish but then got excited because I could come over and watch this show we've been watching and he offered to go get Thai takeout for us for when I got there, and I dunno. Just feeling really happy and lucky and special. We're making it through this stressful time by coming closer together now, which is just what I had hoped for.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2013 8:34 am 
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Aw YAY! Glad you had a nice day and while the stuff with your ex was stressful, its nice that now the last obstacle to your relationship with T is out of the way.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2013 9:33 am 
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Yeah, even though it's still a little on edge because so many people seem to want to put their noses in our business, it is just so super awesome to be able to go wherever we want and just function as a normal couple. For example, on Saturday we just...went to brunch. We just have so much fun together, it's nice to be able to do it at our favorite places without the added stress. I was a little worried that we had been sort of secret for so long that we wouldn't be able to manage just being...regular. But we're totally doing it, and it's great.

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