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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2013 2:47 pm 
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So, an update: we are cruising towards resolution.

Mr T is back to being supportive and i think it was just a matter of knowing that the relationship is not condemned, but other things are more important and nobody is making him shut down his business and leave, it will all be OK.
We are all facing a big change but I think we're all seeing it as a large challenge. (the kid has somehow integrated herself into the relationship, what else is new).

I've started taking action. Got rid of one job, another in line for bombing next week. I went to the school today and dropped the bomb [that we're taking the kid out] and hooooooly cow. Big deal. But you know what, I am taking a challenge and grabbing life by the balls. So is Mr T and so is the kid.


[also i am scared]
[and i just got two large jobs that will make me completely and totally crazy busy for the next month. yipes.]

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 14, 2013 1:47 am 
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That is SUCH good news, T!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue May 14, 2013 2:27 pm 
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I'm single for a little over a week-feeling great! This probably should have happened a while ago. :( Which sucks to say, but I'm glad it did. Had my first hook up ever in my life last weekend and it was way too fun.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 4:21 am 
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Augh! I can't stand not being with him. Every time something happens I want to share it with him. He was such a big part of my life for so long, this really blows.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 8:02 am 
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I just returned from a week vacation in Iceland... with my guy. It was our first real vacation, and his first international trip! We had a great time. I planned things out to a good level so we had a goal, but still freedom to be flexible with the day-to-day plans. I don't usually travel well with other people, but we got along great. It was a lot of fun to see him excited about new things and to experience it with him.

I look forward to doing more travel with him. Unfortunately his job has limited vacation time, but we'll make the best of it!

Also... I'm moving in with him by the end of the month! I got put on the lease before we left and now I just need to pack up my shiitake and arrange for a van!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 11:33 am 
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Yesterday we had our first full day of no contact at all! I feel good about that. Setting goals! Sticking to them!

I'm also feeling like I definitely see it in me that I can get over him and become his friend. Which is what we said we were going to make happen, but I was wary because my ex-husband said the same thing but even still I don't feel like I can be his friend. It just feels so... ick being around him. So I worried I was a holder onto of grudges. But yesterday and this morning I keep having the feeling that, you know, this really is the right decision... For both of us. If he didn't do it he'd always be a little unavailable to me, always having this relationship of his looming in his mind. And his kids would forking hate me, heh. That's not a very fun relationship to be in. Plus it always made me a little uncomfortable how his life and the lesbian community were so intertwined. I mean... most people he's friends with ALL go to Mich Womyn's Fest (he hasn't for a while, but used to, ages ago before he knew the disgusting shiitake of it all). Like, one time, he held a birthday party at his house for his BFF, and there were three guys there, me, him, and this one cis guy, and someone went to take a photo of everyone in a group shot, but the one cis guy wasn't there, and she said "wait! We can't not have the one guy at this party in the shot!"... I just looked at her and cocked my head. She didn't notice and continued on like nothing odd was said. So good riddance to that!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 11:48 am 
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Mars, I hate to say this (sort of) but no matter how wonderful someone is, it's worth it not to date them if you can avoid hanging out with folks who go to Michigan Womyn's Music Festival regularly.... Because... Well. Ok. I'm joking (sort of).

But seriously, it's so great that you're setting goals, sticking to them and feeling good.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 1:01 pm 
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Fupa, I forking HATE that stage. I used to write letters to my ex in a notebook about whatever it was that I wanted to share with him. And then slowly but surely trained myself to reach out and share those kinds of thoughts with good friends. I know it's not the same, but it's something. Good luck; it's a horrible, miserable time.

Pi, that's so exciting! Congrats!

Mars, that is saddening, but also really good that you are recognizing the situation and feeling a little better. I hope you continue to feel that way! I'm so sorry you've had to go through this pain, but I'm glad that you are starting to come out the other side!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 8:37 pm 
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I think I'm building up some I'm-the-only-driver resentments. It's taken a while, he's never had a car since I knew him. It doesn't really bother me that I always have to drive, really, sometimes I can feel aggravated because I have an hour commute each way to work and I hate driving so I'm pretty miserable by the time I get back anyway so any extra requests to stop at his place or go get him can be annoying occasionally. Especially the can-we-stop-at-mcdonald'ss. But the thing I'm feeling resentful about is like...I never ask him to pay for gas or anything but when I need a little car maintenance I'll ask him to come with me so I don't have to be alone while my oil is being changed and he refuses. And I understand, I don't want to be there either. It's not that he's got other plans, just that he doesn't want to go. And I have to be like fine, whatever, because all I wanted was company and I can fly solo. But it does irk me. Because then I'm sitting in some mechanic shop by myself seething because I have to do all the hard parts of car ownership and he gets all the rides and sits out the annoying parts? I'm sure that's not how he's looking at it. And there's no way to broach the subject without sounding crazy because it probably is, in fact, unreasonable for me to ask him to sit with me in a mechanic shop while my oil is changed.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 8:42 pm 
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Fee wrote:
I think I'm building up some I'm-the-only-driver resentments. It's taken a while, he's never had a car since I knew him. It doesn't really bother me that I always have to drive, really, sometimes I can feel aggravated because I have an hour commute each way to work and I hate driving so I'm pretty miserable by the time I get back anyway so any extra requests to stop at his place or go get him can be annoying occasionally. Especially the can-we-stop-at-mcdonald'ss. But the thing I'm feeling resentful about is like...I never ask him to pay for gas or anything but when I need a little car maintenance I'll ask him to come with me so I don't have to be alone while my oil is being changed and he refuses. And I understand, I don't want to be there either. It's not that he's got other plans, just that he doesn't want to go. And I have to be like fine, whatever, because all I wanted was company and I can fly solo. But it does irk me. Because then I'm sitting in some mechanic shop by myself seething because I have to do all the hard parts of car ownership and he gets all the rides and sits out the annoying parts? I'm sure that's not how he's looking at it. And there's no way to broach the subject without sounding crazy because it probably is, in fact, unreasonable for me to ask him to sit with me in a mechanic shop while my oil is changed.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. And I think I would be feeling similarly resentful. Seems to me the only thing to do is, you know, talk about it. I know it won't be fun, but I think resentment will just continue to build.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 8:50 pm 
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Okay good. I keep feeling like if I bring it up he'll be like "but...that's boring, why should I?" And I don't have a good answer. Because we're in a relationshit based on mutual suffering?


I mean, we are, but how soon is too soon to point that out?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 8:52 pm 
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relationshit! Freudian slip or new slang?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 8:53 pm 
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I call them relationshits when I'm in them

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 8:53 pm 
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Fee wrote:
I think I'm building up some I'm-the-only-driver resentments. It's taken a while, he's never had a car since I knew him. It doesn't really bother me that I always have to drive, really, sometimes I can feel aggravated because I have an hour commute each way to work and I hate driving so I'm pretty miserable by the time I get back anyway so any extra requests to stop at his place or go get him can be annoying occasionally. Especially the can-we-stop-at-mcdonald'ss. But the thing I'm feeling resentful about is like...I never ask him to pay for gas or anything but when I need a little car maintenance I'll ask him to come with me so I don't have to be alone while my oil is being changed and he refuses. And I understand, I don't want to be there either. It's not that he's got other plans, just that he doesn't want to go. And I have to be like fine, whatever, because all I wanted was company and I can fly solo. But it does irk me. Because then I'm sitting in some mechanic shop by myself seething because I have to do all the hard parts of car ownership and he gets all the rides and sits out the annoying parts? I'm sure that's not how he's looking at it. And there's no way to broach the subject without sounding crazy because it probably is, in fact, unreasonable for me to ask him to sit with me in a mechanic shop while my oil is changed.


I am totally paranoid of this happening--I don't drive, and my current girlfriend is the only person I've ever dated who has a car. It's a whole new world for me, and I definitely try not to count on her to drive me places--I get to her place/neighborhood on my own frequently, I don't expect her to pick me up when it's not convenient for her, but she still ends up driving me around plenty and I worry that she'll end up resentful. I was really worried about it at first--I would always be like NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE ME HOME IT'S FINE I WILL TAKE THE BUS and she would be like, it's midnight, you're an idiot, I'm driving you. But it's not like I depend on her car because before I met her I was in a car like twice a month at most and it was fine, you know? Ok my experiences are not necessarily super relevant to yours, I've just thought about it a lot. I did go with her to get her oil changed once though.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 8:57 pm 
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Honestly, it probably doesn't bother her. Even if my boyfriend asked for rides every day it wouldn't bother me, I like being with him.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 9:00 pm 
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I mean, I've been in the opposite situation, where when I was first dating my husband he had the car and shuttled me around. He would ask me to go hang out with him while he was getting his oil changed and I did. I mean I wasn't thrilled to go do a boring chore, but it just seemed like the cool thing to do. I totally would have gotten called on my shiitake if I'd sat at home doing whatever while he ran errands, so I think it's fine to bring it up.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 9:01 pm 
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I would like us to be more of a team effort rather than just a me effort, like I'll drive him wherever he needs to go and everything buuuuut come with me to check out the brakes so I don't crash and die?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2013 11:58 pm 
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So I do a pretty good job of avoiding my ex. We are (or were, I guess) on pretty good terms, and I was avoiding him more because it just still really hurt to be around him. But then yesterday he just got so mad over absolutely nothing and was such a jerk to me.

Back story: I have 6 roommates (including ex) and most of the kitchen stuff is mine. Somehow someone managed to break my pretty indestructable can opener, and I noticed my bendy cutting boards are starting to get ruined from being crammed in the sink in weird positions all week because people aren't washing them, so I took them upstairs. I left my hard cutting board down stairs, so it's not like there wasn't anything to use.

So last night my ex comes upstairs and asks where they are. I tell him I put them in my room because they're getting ruined, but he can use one if he wants, just bring it back to me when you're done. I was in a super good mood, I was really nice and pleasant and was honestly offering to let him use it. He just gets so mad and starts walking away before we're even done talking and is like muttering under his breath. I go downstairs a few minutes later, when I can hear that he's stopped banging stuff in the kitchen, and give him the cutting board. We talk for like 30 seconds, and he is so snarky and rude to me. So I tell him he doesn't need to be a jerk to me and leave. This morning there was no hot water, and when I'm in the kitchen making breakfast he asks if I also had an "awesome" shower--small talk is more than we normally do, so I figured this was his way of being like "my bad" about last night (that's about as close to an apology as I'll ever get from him). But then tonight when I go ask him to write me a check for the bills, he won't even look at me. He gives a harsh "okay" and then just ignores me.

I just hate how I'm still having to deal with all the bad parts of our relationship. When we were dating he would get so moody over little things and be a jerk to me. And then for a few days he'd pretty much ignore me, then all of a sudden go back to being cheerful and if I tried to talk about it, he'd get mad again and call me insecure and say I was over reacting. It was such a mind fork and I shouldn't of had to deal with it then, and I certainly shouldn't have to deal with it now. I've tried to talk to him about things, but he just wants to pretend like everything is fine and nothing ever happened. Fine, then treat me like every other forking person and don't go out of your way to be a jerk to me. He'd never pull that shiitake with anyone else, but apparently since it's me it's "okay". No, it's forking not, and I'm so tired of you taking everything out on me.

Now I'm just feeling so shitty and like everything is my fault again. I hate how four months later he can still have this effect on me.

Sorry for the rant guys <3


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 12:10 am 
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Simply, none of that is your fault. Frankly, he sounds like he is (and perhaps was) being verbally abusive toward you. I am glad that you're out of that relationship. Can you move out? I can't imagine living with one of my exes. Grieving and healing is hard enough as it is!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 12:13 am 
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How horrible for you Simply_Love. It's a shame you still have to share with him. I know it's easier said than done but try to reframe it in your brain not to feel bad or upset but to feel relieved that this shiitake is no longer your problem as now he's your ex you can just walk away. (And is it possible he made sure there was no hot water for your shower and enquired about it to be snarky or in an effort to let you know it was his doing?)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 12:24 am 
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Thanks guys <3

J-dub: I've started to realize just how manipulative he actually was, and my counselor yesterday told me yesterday she was worried that it sounded like he had been emotionally-abusive. I honestly should have moved out in January, but I was so freaking depressed I couldn't do anything, like at all. The day was pretty much a success if I actually ate and went to class. At the end of March I sort of realized, hey he is a jerk, this is for the better, and am so much more myself now, and realize staying was a bad idea. I'd like to move out, but I only have a month left before someone subleases for the summer, so I'm trying to just tough it out. I'm out of the apartment as much as possible, and that helps, but then shiitake like this happens. I cannot wait to move out though. It's going to be a challenge living with my parents for the summer, but at least everyone there cares about me.

rentaghost: Most of the time, that's what I can do, but when he starts pulling all the old shiitake, it just instantly puts me into that place where I feel like a horrible person and everything is my fault. Two months ago this probably would have made me cry all night, but right now I'm just feeling shitty, so it's getting better. Also, I'm starting to wonder if he just asked to be snarky now, too. It was definitely not his doing though, this is a common problem. Our hot water heater sucks and two of my roommates take really long showers, so generally by the time we shower it's pretty cold.

Ugh, I'm the one who got hurt in all of this. If I can be civil, why can't you? Ugh.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 12:37 am 
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Simply_love: it sounds like it's time to stop trying to talk to him and instead starting to set boundaries. I know it can be really hard to change dynamics with someone, but do it for your peace of mind. For example, if he is acting like he did the other day, stop, look at him and say "I know that we were together for a long time, but it's time to quit acting this way towards me. I am not cool with you being a jerk to me, so stop. It's completely unacceptable".

You have been through such a hard time with this breakup (but it REALLY sounds like it's worth it!) - and since he's not paying you the respect you deserve, you need to demand it. You are completely allowed to demand that people act respectful to you. I've taken so much crepe and abuse from people before I realized that it's as simple as that - I am respectful to other people and they have to be respectful to me.

It sounds SO WONDERFUL that you get to move out and be on your own for a while!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 1:14 am 
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Honestly, I tried to set boundaries during out relationship about stuff like this, and it just backfired. When he first started being rude to me over little things, he "apologized", and said he doesn't realize he's doing it, and asked me to point it out to him when it's happening. So I would.... and then he'd be like, "What are you talking about? You're over reacting, I'm just kidding. Blah blah blah." and make me feel like I was getting up set over nothing... Which made me feel like everything was my fault, so then I wouldn't talk to him about things because I didn't want him mad at me, which would then make him mad, and then the ignoring and rude things would start... it was a great cycle.

And I know, I totally don't deserve this now, and I didn't deserve this then. I have no idea why I put up with this for so long. If it had been any of my friends I would have been like, "BREAK UP WITH THIS JERK," but I just kept making excuses for him, and he knew how to be sweet when he wanted, so I just kept getting pulled back in whenever I'd start thinking I was done.

I want to just be like "Hey, I know this is weird now, but's not okay to treat me like that," but unless he is in the best mood ever, he's just going to start with the name calling and guilt tripping. I'm just going to try to keep our interaction as little as possible (I guess it's time to start staying in my room again unless I know for sure he's in his....) for the next month. I shouldn't have to hide out, but I think it's the best option for my sanity.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 1:49 am 
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Simply_Love wrote:
Honestly, I tried to set boundaries during out relationship about stuff like this, and it just backfired. When he first started being rude to me over little things, he "apologized", and said he doesn't realize he's doing it, and asked me to point it out to him when it's happening. So I would.... and then he'd be like, "What are you talking about? You're over reacting, I'm just kidding. Blah blah blah." and make me feel like I was getting up set over nothing... Which made me feel like everything was my fault, so then I wouldn't talk to him about things because I didn't want him mad at me, which would then make him mad, and then the ignoring and rude things would start... it was a great cycle.

And I know, I totally don't deserve this now, and I didn't deserve this then. I have no idea why I put up with this for so long. If it had been any of my friends I would have been like, "BREAK UP WITH THIS JERK," but I just kept making excuses for him, and he knew how to be sweet when he wanted, so I just kept getting pulled back in whenever I'd start thinking I was done.

I want to just be like "Hey, I know this is weird now, but's not okay to treat me like that," but unless he is in the best mood ever, he's just going to start with the name calling and guilt tripping. I'm just going to try to keep our interaction as little as possible (I guess it's time to start staying in my room again unless I know for sure he's in his....) for the next month. I shouldn't have to hide out, but I think it's the best option for my sanity.

Simply, I work with folks in abusive relationships and this is classic emotional abuse. He starts out by "not realizing" and asking you to help him be accountable--already setting up the dynamic that a) maybe you're just imagining things or b) it isn't fully within his control. He then asks you to "help" him--making you accountable for his behaviour against you. Then he pulls the "you're crazy/this is your fault" trick which is the go-to of all abusers. So you start to question "Am I crazy? Am I being too hard on him? What have I done to make him do this?" (answers: no, no, and nothing). And so you start to walk on eggshells, hoping that if you "mind your P's and Q's" you'll be spared a flare-up. But it doesn't matter how "good" you are, there will inevitably be something that sets him off. And so it starts again. After a flare up he probably gets sweet, or at least not awful (we call it the Honeymoon Phase--you mention it with the small talk about showers), but that phase gets shorter and shorter and you back to the violent phase--his terse response then ignoring of you.

I promise you, he knows precisely how to push your buttons. People like this are AMAZING at manipulating and hurting.

I am so glad you are out, I am so glad that you have a therapist who knows what's what, and you deserve so much better. And life will just continue to get better and safer and happier! If you have questions or anything like that feel free to PM me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 7:43 am 
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Location: WV
Fee - I have been the only driver in my last 2 relationships. This might sound dumb, but I am SO GLAD my dude has a car and license. So much resentment eventually built up over 4 years for the first guy and 3 years for the second guy. The first one was way worse, though. If I didn't give him a ride to school and it was raining, he just wouldn't go to school, and made it out like it was my fault he wasn't going. If I wanted to ride my bike to work, that meant he couldn't borrow my bike, so he wouldn't leave the house for the day. It was especially infuriating because he had tons of friends that had cars, but I was the only one he would ask to take him places. And he never gave me gas money or helped with car maintenance stuff. It was just awful. The last guy was a little different because his license was just suspended, so he at least knew how to drive if we were on a long trip and I needed a break from driving or something. And, stupidly, I let him borrow my car when he needed it (so dumb). But if I needed my car when he needed it, it was always a bit of a hissy fit, and I started to really resent running his errands for him. He did put gas in the car sometimes and pay for some of the maintenance at least, since he was also driving it. I probably won't date another person who doesn't drive again, unless I live in a city where public transportation is a valid option. (It's not here.)

ETA: Just realized that I made it out that not driving is a deal breaker for me, which it kind of is, but I don't think that's what's necessarily going on with you. I'm sure if you just told him how you feel, he would get it, because it sounds like you have a generally healthy relationship. Those relationships I described were not in any way healthy, and the not driving problem was just one of many.

Simply - So glad you broke up with that guy! It totally sucks to have someone basically tell you that what you're feeling isn't valid! I had a boyfriend once who constantly called me 'crazy'. Eventually, I started to wonder if I was...and it took me awhile after breaking up to realize that a lot of that was him being manipulative and insecure.

Not much going on in my neck of the woods. My guy is super stressed about work related things, which makes him a bit grouchy, but he's not taking it out on me. I'm just such a fixer that it hurts me to see him stressing like this, knowing that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help. Just gotta ride it out. And again, he isn't treating me badly, he's just quieter than usual and isn't sleeping well, and it bums me out.

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