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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 10:33 pm 
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Moon wrote:
Lately I am hearing from family and friends how badly my dad wanted to be a grandfather and how sad it is that he died before my sister gave birth.

Even though I know they're not directing these comments at me I am feeling bad that I didn't know this was such an important thing to him. Not that it would gave changed my decision. But I'm still feeling really bad.


I am sorry you're feeling bad, and just want to send you a big hug. Its so hard to lose a parent, and its easy to feel like we should have done something better or different, but just fwiw, it may not have been that important to him, despite what they say, especially if he never said anything to you about it. People often impute their own feelings to other people. I hope that provides a little comfort. Sending you lots of good thoughts, it sounds like you were a great daughter to him, and I am sure he was happy with all you've done <3

ETA: I was in the same position as you when my mom died. I didn't have kids and my sister was about to give birth, and I heard so many people tell me that my mom wanted to be a grandmother, which isn't something she ever said to me. I think people have no idea what to say around people who are grieving, so they sometimes just reach for easy platitudes.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 11:27 am 
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Moon, I'm sorry to hear about your father. And I agree with Tofulish, that people often impute their own feeling to other people (or talk out of their asparagus, which is what I thought when I read your comment, but she puts it much nicer). And from your posts on these forums, I also agree that it sounds like you were a great daughter and I'm sure he wouldn't have changed a thing. ((Hugs))


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 7:03 pm 
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I'm having one of those days where I need to vent. My apartment complex is full of families, which is actually pretty nice, except that there's a small patch of grass right in front of my apartment balcony where all the older children (7-12) congregate to play. It's SO LOUD. I'm trying to relax with a book and a beer on my balcony and there are currently 20 kids screaming at the top of their lungs playing soccer. I mean seriously screaming so loud I can't focus on my book. At other times the kids play baseball (and have hit my car and apartment window), throw the big river stones used in landscaping, try to hurt the squirrels, bicker and bully other children. It's every afternoon and evening after school lets out and every weekend from 9 am till past dusk. It's so loud, even with windows closed we can hear it. My husband and I can't sit and enjoy our evenings in peace, inside or out.

I called the front office and told them about all the unsupervised kids and how they're being really disruptive. They said they wouldn't do anything about the noise if it's during the day, but were more receptive to the destructiveness. Anyway, I am super resentful. One reason we chose this complex was because of the balconies and the view and we're paying a very steep rent for it. I should be able to have a little quiet and be able to read a book or nap. Those parents should take their kids to the freaking park or at least should moderate their banchee calls. Right now there are parents supervising but they're basically ignoring the kids. I have too much social anxiety to say anything so I think I'm going to ask my husband to go talk to them, but he shouldn't have to.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 8:43 pm 
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can you ask for a different apartment? claim that the proximity to the play area wasn't disclosed before you signed the lease.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 9:49 pm 
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supercarrot wrote:
can you ask for a different apartment? claim that the proximity to the play area wasn't disclosed before you signed the lease.

Possibly, but we don't have time, resources, or desire to move into a different unit. We are very settled in this apt and it's in a unique spot.

That area isn't meant for play; there's a designated playground section elsewhere on the property. I feel like there should be a better solution than removing myself, you know?

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:11 pm 
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I'm really tired today because my cat thought it would be a good idea to crawl on my head last night at 2am and I couldn't go back to sleep. This kind of thing happens very rarely, but it always reminds me how much I would not want to deal with this on a regular basis with a toddler.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Feb 24, 2014 9:58 am 
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acr wrote:
smoothie wrote:
Oh man, this is not a childless issue per se, but my upstairs neighbors have this HORRIBLY LOUD AND ANGRY child. I can deal with her screaming in their apartment even though it's right on top of ours and we can hear everything (it's the same thing when they fight), because that's part of city living and obviously you have to not get worked up about things that can't be changed, but.. Almost every morning the kid has a screaming fit on the stairs of our building, which means that everyone in the building can hear it like it is in their apartments. It seems like they go to the stairs to put on shoes, and then she has a massively hysterical fit that lasts about 10-12 minutes where it's so loud that you literally can't sleep through it. . . .

Living in close proximity to this child is basically the best way to ensure that I don't get pregnant. I'm pretty sure I couldn't get pregnant even if I wanted to. My ovaries must have stopped producing eggs from the pure terror of having to listen to this family fighting and screaming and obviously being miserable a lot of the time. I like to think that I'm a pretty cool neighbor and that I can deal with most things, but basically being forced to listen to this family and hearing every single word they yell at each other or listening to the girl screaming.. Holy shiitake.


my landlords are on the first floor of my building, and their adult daughter is on the third floor (i'm on the second). the daughter has two kids of her own, a 14-year-old girl and a 3-year-old boy, and they are CONSTANTLY running up and down the stairs between the two apartments and screaming at the top of their lungs. the boy is really loud all of the time, but he also realized recently that crying is a good way to get what he wants, so now any time anyone tells him to do anything he starts up with his fake crying, which is basically just yelling with a "huh-huh-huh" mock sob at the end. the girl is jealous of all the attention he gets, so she picks on him and makes everything worse. so i'm getting a good dose of kids across a broad age range, and i'm convinced that they're terrible for most of their lives. i think these two are in the hallway so often because they're getting booted from one apartment to the other.


We share a house with an old lady - in her mid 80s. Whilst she is an absolute bisque-y old hag, her grandsons kid is THE WORST. every Saturday, 3pm sharp, we can hear the car doors slam and from that moment, it's screaming on top of his forking lungs until 6, when they all drive home again. I dread my peacul Saturdays, really. I work so hard during the week that I really look forward to my weekends, but this is just too much. I get that he lives in a tiny cave all week and needs to yell and run, but seriously - I cant wait for him (and the neighbours boy too) to hit the emo teenage years. I dont mean to be intolerant towards kids noise, but this is just waaaay over the top.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 12:13 pm 
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It can be reaaaally challenging when you're in a situation with a kid or a group of kids and the adults involved in their lives have been inoculated to the havoc and kind of float through it without noticing it. Not that I blame them, it's got to be a coping mechanism to be able to drown out the cacophony that kids are naturally inclined to make, but I think it's easy when you're in that zone to not notice or forget to be mindful of when the kids' noise exceeds normal threshholds. The other day we had a family with three kids in our waiting room. Despite mom and grandma both being there, the kids were hollering and screeching so loud that we had to ask a couple times for them to be quiet, and still couldn't get any work done until they had left.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 12:30 pm 
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couroupita wrote:
supercarrot wrote:
can you ask for a different apartment? claim that the proximity to the play area wasn't disclosed before you signed the lease.

Possibly, but we don't have time, resources, or desire to move into a different unit. We are very settled in this apt and it's in a unique spot.



That sucks. When we lived in an apartment a family from India moved in next door. The two small boys (between 4 - 7) were horrible. Screaming, yelling, so loud that their voices would interrupt my dreams (you know when outside noises mix into your sleep creating odd dreams). We found the boys throwing their bikes against the wall at one point...We complained and others did as well, they relocated the family.

The kids that live next to us & across from us now are okay. I just do not like when they use our driveway and yard as a playground. I find dog poop, candy wrappers, toys and trash in our yard...My boyfriend said to get over it but it peas me off.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 12:52 pm 
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missmuffcake wrote:
When we lived in an apartment a family from India moved in next door.


What is the relevance of their nationality/ethnicity in this context?

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 12:54 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
missmuffcake wrote:
When we lived in an apartment a family from India moved in next door.


What is the relevance of their nationality/ethnicity in this context?


Was just wondering that myself.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 3:02 pm 
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lutin wrote:
Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
missmuffcake wrote:
When we lived in an apartment a family from India moved in next door.


What is the relevance of their nationality/ethnicity in this context?


Was just wondering that myself.



I should have said (but I was on break & forgot to self edit) that they said it "was the way kids behave in India"...I think that is a bullshiitake excuse to cause disturbance.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 7:39 pm 
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Definitely not a valid excuse from them! I've seen kids act that way all over the world. Sure, different cultures have different parenting methods, but a complete lack of parenting is universal.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 7:48 pm 
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Oh man, we have friends whose little girl we just adore. She's always been such a sweet little kid and she has always really loved us. Well lately she's had such an attitude! Like, snotty and rude and bossy. She's just hitting the age where she's in kindergarten, so I guess it's probably just a part of kids growing up. I love the kid, but man, it's making me glad to be child-free, because I get to hang out with her until she starts getting snippy/cranky/bossy then her parents take her away and they have to deal with her.

We just ran into them at the grocery store yesterday and I noticed she and I were both wearing Bogs boots. I said, "oh, look! We have matching boots!" And she rolled her eyes and said, "THEY'RE CALLED BOGS!!!!!!!"
Okay, kid, no need to scream at me!

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 8:51 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
It can be reaaaally challenging when you're in a situation with a kid or a group of kids and the adults involved in their lives have been inoculated to the havoc and kind of float through it without noticing it. Not that I blame them, it's got to be a coping mechanism to be able to drown out the cacophony that kids are naturally inclined to make, but I think it's easy when you're in that zone to not notice or forget to be mindful of when the kids' noise exceeds normal threshholds. The other day we had a family with three kids in our waiting room. Despite mom and grandma both being there, the kids were hollering and screeching so loud that we had to ask a couple times for them to be quiet, and still couldn't get any work done until they had left.


I really don't think that is an excuse, personally. We hold parents responsible for how loud their children are at the library. Regardless of age, when you are sharing a public space, you need to be mindful of other people. That is part of being gracious and kind. While toddlers will make unstoppable noise on occasion, there is little stopping the parent from walking that child outside until they feel like being quiet. There is always coming back another day.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 10:40 am 
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I just posted in the pet peeves thread about my new assistant, this is the end of that story: She asked as I was leaving what I was doing that evening, so I said that after I got home from work (after an 11 hour day) that I was going to cook all my food for the week, and she said that she wished she could do that, but she has 'a baby and a full grown man' to take care of, too. Oh, sorry, you wish you could work 50 hours a week to support yourself and then cook for two hours after you get home from working almost 12 hours just so you can eat for the week? That sounds good to you? Ok, then. It's soooo easy being a child free person living on one's own, yes, that's it.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 11:39 am 
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AP, similarly, I've been told that because I have no kids I have no responsibilities. It made me inwardly rage-y. Do people who make such comments forget that they still probably didn't have enough leisure time as childfree people?

I am dogsitting my mom's dog, and this experience has convinced me I am not cut out for kids. I am a dog person, have two of my own, so that's not it. However, this thing is just ill-mannered, doesn't listen, and can't be trusted. I am absolutely mentally exhausted from watching his every move to make sure he doesn't lift his leg on something in my house. I imagine the constant watching is what its like with a toddler or baby, and sorry, I don't think I can do it. I finally relax after he conks out around 9, and then I'm asleep an hour later. I feel like I have exactly 1 hour of peace every day.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 1:11 pm 
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emmalv wrote:
AP, similarly, I've been told that because I have no kids I have no responsibilities. It made me inwardly rage-y. Do people who make such comments forget that they still probably didn't have enough leisure time as childfree people?



When Mar was sick and we had vet apps every week the boyfriend would have to make excuses to his manager or bend the truth to get out of work early so we could get to the vet. I do not drive, we had no one else to take us. So thankfully the vet started staying open for us late so we could get him in...If it was a child I bet it would be okay, he is one of only 3 men in his department...one of only two I believe without kids (if not the only one)...

The above topic brings me to another rant...Because I do not have children somehow I do not have bills. I am still paying off the $1,000+ debit I got trying to save my cat's life.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 5:07 pm 
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Yeah, I'm pretty sure I remember someone posting a quote on here about people being by default 'well-off' (or some gubbins) if they don't have kids. Aye, naw. That's... just no.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 5:45 pm 
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interrobang?! wrote:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I remember someone posting a quote on here about people being by default 'well-off' (or some gubbins) if they don't have kids. Aye, naw. That's... just no.

I mean, the $12,000 I'm making this year is going further than it would if I had babies but...(then again, I wouldn't have gone to grad school if I had kids.)

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 6:10 pm 
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j-dub wrote:
interrobang?! wrote:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I remember someone posting a quote on here about people being by default 'well-off' (or some gubbins) if they don't have kids. Aye, naw. That's... just no.

I mean, the $12,000 I'm making this year is going further than it would if I had babies but...(then again, I wouldn't have gone to grad school if I had kids.)

Well, hark at thee, richie rich!

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 6:22 pm 
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missmuffcake wrote:
emmalv wrote:
AP, similarly, I've been told that because I have no kids I have no responsibilities. It made me inwardly rage-y. Do people who make such comments forget that they still probably didn't have enough leisure time as childfree people?



When Mar was sick and we had vet apps every week the boyfriend would have to make excuses to his manager or bend the truth to get out of work early so we could get to the vet. I do not drive, we had no one else to take us. So thankfully the vet started staying open for us late so we could get him in...If it was a child I bet it would be okay, he is one of only 3 men in his department...one of only two I believe without kids (if not the only one)...

The above topic brings me to another rant...Because I do not have children somehow I do not have bills. I am still paying off the $1,000+ debit I got trying to save my cat's life.


Once I worked a 12 hour day on a Tuesday and on Wednesday I needed to take a 2 hour lunch instead of a 1 hour lunch to check on my sick cat and I was forced to use a half-day of sick time. Such bullshiitake!

Also, I currently have...$8000 of vet bills I'm paying off? It is very glamorous, not having human children...

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 7:27 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
missmuffcake wrote:
emmalv wrote:
AP, similarly, I've been told that because I have no kids I have no responsibilities. It made me inwardly rage-y. Do people who make such comments forget that they still probably didn't have enough leisure time as childfree people?



When Mar was sick and we had vet apps every week the boyfriend would have to make excuses to his manager or bend the truth to get out of work early so we could get to the vet. I do not drive, we had no one else to take us. So thankfully the vet started staying open for us late so we could get him in...If it was a child I bet it would be okay, he is one of only 3 men in his department...one of only two I believe without kids (if not the only one)...

The above topic brings me to another rant...Because I do not have children somehow I do not have bills. I am still paying off the $1,000+ debit I got trying to save my cat's life.


Once I worked a 12 hour day on a Tuesday and on Wednesday I needed to take a 2 hour lunch instead of a 1 hour lunch to check on my sick cat and I was forced to use a half-day of sick time. Such bullshiitake!

Also, I currently have...$8000 of vet bills I'm paying off? It is very glamorous, not having human children...


i hear ya, strawberryrock! we've paid a lot over the years for oncologists, specialists, chemotherapy and expensive medications (for our dog). just because one doesn't have kids doesn't = life is glamorous.

i chose to hold my tongue the other day when i was asked, "do you have children?" my response, "no." theirs, "well how long have you been married?" when i told them, "8 years." i do wonder what they thought. i was offended because i believe they were assuming the only reason i got married was to have kids (or children would occur after marriage). i didn't elaborate to say, "we don't want children." because i didn't want to offend them, yet i was already offended. it just frustrated me all around. i was frustrated at myself and also with them.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 8:41 pm 
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And stuff happens to your body whether you have kids or not. You do not have to have been pregnant for:

your hormones to go wack (stress, anyone? PMS? Menopause?)
you to gain weight (need I say more)
your bladder to not tolerate jumping jacks
you to have a scattered brained moment

This stuff can happen to anyone! You're just getting older........like EVERYONE ELSE.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 10:08 pm 
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i watch cooking shows - a lot! i am kinda puzzled when a host with no children does a kid friendly episode - they have no personal stories to share or kids to talk about just 'hey look kid food'...there are a lot of family friendly cooking shows nothing really geared towards adults without children unless it is a dating-cooking show.

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