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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Aug 12, 2013 3:33 pm 
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vijita wrote:
I'm getting scared because I feel like maybe I want a kid? GASP! This has never been me. I worked this wedding last night and it was mostly kids (not the couple, obvs), and they were just so sweet and hilarious and well-behaved and were playing fun games like giant Connect-4 and being silly on the dance floor and it was so refreshing because my life lately has been so serious and rather depressing. It is really refreshing to be around young, silly, creative minds. I feel like my husband and I would make a really rad kid.

Oh god no. I need to read We Have To Talk About Kevin again. Also, I don't like babies. At all.


Well, it DOES happen. People evolve and change their minds/hearts on this issue! There's not point identifying with "child-free" or "child-wanting" because then if one or the other doesn't work out, it will only lead to confusion and dissappointment. I have - on occassion - had strong feelings of wondering about becoming a parent. My policy was always to wait until that feeling really stuck to me and wouldn't let go. And it never really has. It's come on strong at times, but also left without any fan fare.

Also, I've come to accept that this is a complicated issue for me. I think that under the right circumstances and with the right partner, I would really want and enjoy children. But, that hasn't happened. So, I will miss out on some special experiences - and also I will gain other special experiences (like lying on the beach with my partner all day long). So, I guess this is just to say that those feelings are okay - and to encourage you to investigate them and feel them fully and see where they lead you.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Aug 12, 2013 3:36 pm 
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couroupita wrote:
Blergh, my best friend is having a baby in Sept. and is going a little nutty. When I talk to her on the phone, it's baby time. When I see her in person, it's baby time. When she visited me a few weeks ago she would interrupt a conversation with me to text her husband that the baby kicked (she's been kicking for a while now, this is not new!) or how she was feeling. Like every 10 minutes for 3 days she was sending a text!! At our book club yesterday it was half book talk, half baby talk. When I logged into in pinterest last night my whole feed was covered in corny pics of posing babies -- like the stuff where the newborn is asleep and smooshed into a weird position wearing a knit turtle shell on their back, naked newborns with giant flowers pinned to the side of their heads, Anne Geddes stuff, the thing where the mom and dad make their hands into a heart shape around the baby's feet. It's a little much for someone who is just not that into talking about babies 24/7.

I guess I don't understand why some folks think everybody should be as interested in their pregnancy as they are. Maybe it's a weird American tunnel vision thing. Does this happen in other countries?


I just want to say that I can empathize so deeply with this. It can be so difficult and also a big annoying sometimes.

Pregnancy is SUCH a big deal in the life of the mom/parents. Like, the biggest deal in their lives ever. So, I get why they're so excited about it all. But sometimes it feels sorta lonely from the outside when it's so relentless. Also, sometimes all the other reasons you were friends seem to get lost and swallowed up by mom-hood.

Hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Aug 12, 2013 4:25 pm 
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Sometimes I get like that vijita, but then I remember that I can't go home. Like the kid would be there all the time and always wanting or needing something. It probably sounds odd, but I just like to be completely alone and very quiet a lot of the time. (Though I am looking forward to Wilson coming home!)

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:16 pm 
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ndpittman wrote:
Sometimes I get like that vijita, but then I remember that I can't go home. Like the kid would be there all the time and always wanting or needing something. It probably sounds odd, but I just like to be completely alone and very quiet a lot of the time. (Though I am looking forward to Wilson coming home!)


Yes, this is usually what turns me around when I start to think that maybe I do want kids after all. At least for right now and the foreseeable future, I could not handle it because I like my quiet life too much. I also like my go out whenever I please life and my broke, but who cares because I only support myself life.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:18 pm 
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couroupita wrote:
the stuff where the newborn is asleep and smooshed into a weird position wearing a knit turtle shell on their back, naked newborns with giant flowers pinned to the side of their heads, Anne Geddes stuff, the thing where the mom and dad make their hands into a heart shape around the baby's feet


Ugh, say no more.

No, seriously, say no more, because I think I might barf.

Do you ever read STFU Parents? It's a pretty good antidote to situations like this. I recommend perusing their archives before and after you next hang out with your friend!

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 3:33 pm 
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couroupita wrote:
Blergh, my best friend is . . . talking about babies 24/7

It's her hormones as well. The cute baby obsessiveness is simply Nature's way of making sure they don't realise the enormity of what they're taking on and run for the hills!


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 3:49 pm 
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I found this article to be really timely and refreshing!

Quote:
The surveys showed that 8.5 percent of married women aged 15 to 44 were infertile in 1982 – defined as having been married and having unprotected sex for 12 months without becoming pregnant. This fell to 6 percent of the same age group, married or unmarried, in 2006-2010.


In short, all the media trying to create this false urgency around women delaying childbirth to pursue educational, career, or personal goals? It's all mmmBULLSHIT

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 4:09 pm 
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Just got a custom, in-stream ad from FB for a service where I can sign up and get all sorts of discounts and coupons for my "little one." Normally I would assume they're talking about my dog, but there was a cartoon pregnant lady. What the...?

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 7:24 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
Just got a custom, in-stream ad from FB for a service where I can sign up and get all sorts of discounts and coupons for my "little one." Normally I would assume they're talking about my dog, but there was a cartoon pregnant lady. What the...?


Dude, AT&T sent me a marketing email about getting my kids phones and tablets for back to school!

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 4:02 am 
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rentaghost wrote:
couroupita wrote:
Blergh, my best friend is . . . talking about babies 24/7

It's her hormones as well. The cute baby obsessiveness is simply Nature's way of making sure they don't realise the enormity of what they're taking on and run for the hills!

Yeah, I mean, I get it. I can understand being a victim to one's hormones. I guess I even sort of indulge it a bit by knitting her lots of baby clothes and squeeing over cute patterns together. At the same time, I do believe it's possible to reign it in a bit. It's just being self-aware.

I love STFU parents! I hope none of my friends ever post pics of poop. Some do seem to constantly need to update the world about their babies' vomit and I have been mommyjacked, at which point I think, I should just delete my fb account. I think someone else said it better in a different thread, but a lot of what gets posted on fb makes me think uncharitable thoughts about dear friends. Some folks just haven't learned how to be good social media citizens.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 4:29 am 
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Oh I actually meant to post something funny here, too!

I may have gone a little overboard shopping for my friend's baby shower tomorrow and in the process acquired a new lexicon, which I lovingly call "what the fizzle are this?? Stupid names for baby products" and includes bumbo, boppy, binkie, ergo, and diaper genie (???). Seriously, companies, why you gotta give baby shiitake these ridic names. It makes it very difficult for child free friends to buy gifts!

Oh, last thing. Friend's sister emailed all the guests yesterday that there are still LOTS of things Baby needs from the registry!!! Subtle, huh?. *snort*

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:06 am 
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couroupita wrote:
binkie

If this isn't a blanket, then the person who created it needs to be smacked. Actually, even if it is a blanket, that person needs to be smacked. You can't just designate something as a binkie - it has to earn the title. (My sister had a binkie. Either my grandma made it or it was a baby blanket that got so beat the hell up that grandma turned it into a quilt, which then got totally beat the hell up because my sister carried it around for so long. Actually, we even named a kitten Binkie because Sam named it after her blanket. My grandparents adopted him and he lived to be about 20 years old. /derail)

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 6:42 am 
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couroupita wrote:

Oh, last thing. Friend's sister emailed all the guests yesterday that there are still LOTS of things Baby needs from the registry!!! Subtle, huh?. *snort*


Good Lard.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:56 am 
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a binkie is a pacifier. i think the word might still be interchangeable with a blanket. (it might technically mean "something that makes the kid stop crying")

also, don't forget baby mum-mum and toddler mum-mum. (ugh)

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 11:04 am 
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Rebekah wrote:
couroupita wrote:

Oh, last thing. Friend's sister emailed all the guests yesterday that there are still LOTS of things Baby needs from the registry!!! Subtle, huh?. *snort*


Good Lard.


I am so bloody sick of the tyranny of the American wedding/baby/engagement/kill me shower. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on babies and weddings and I'm just sick of it. Why as a society are we set up to "help"/celebrate only certain kinds of people/events? Couples who share rent and have two incomes can go buy their own crepe and binkies and BARF. Life is also expensive/stressful for single people who live alone, yet we have not one accepted cultural institution to help or celebrate them. For all of its problems, that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie proposes a show registry rings loud and clear.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 11:12 am 
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^ Speak truth to power, sister. I love giving gifts, and I love helping out my friends who could use it when I am able, but the whole registry/shower thing is just such a distasteful, shitty racket.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 11:21 am 
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molasses jane wrote:
Rebekah wrote:
couroupita wrote:

Oh, last thing. Friend's sister emailed all the guests yesterday that there are still LOTS of things Baby needs from the registry!!! Subtle, huh?. *snort*


Good Lard.


I am so bloody sick of the tyranny of the American wedding/baby/engagement/kill me shower. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on babies and weddings and I'm just sick of it. Why as a society are we set up to "help"/celebrate only certain kinds of people/events? Couples who share rent and have two incomes can go buy their own crepe and binkies and BARF. Life is also expensive/stressful for single people who live alone, yet we have not one accepted cultural institution to help or celebrate them. For all of its problems, that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie proposes a show registry rings loud and clear.


And my "show" I mean "shoe." Spelling rage!

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 12:13 pm 
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vijita wrote:
I'm getting scared because I feel like maybe I want a kid? GASP! This has never been me. I worked this wedding last night and it was mostly kids (not the couple, obvs), and they were just so sweet and hilarious and well-behaved and were playing fun games like giant Connect-4 and being silly on the dance floor and it was so refreshing because my life lately has been so serious and rather depressing. It is really refreshing to be around young, silly, creative minds. I feel like my husband and I would make a really rad kid.

Oh god no. I need to read We Have To Talk About Kevin again. Also, I don't like babies. At all.


Well, fostering a kid could mean kids, minus the baby stage, and such. Or you could just volunteer with groups of kids in some way, like a scout troupe or at some kinda place where groups of kids go.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 1:29 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
I love giving gifts, and I love helping out my friends who could use it when I am able, but the whole registry/shower thing is just such a distasteful, shitty racket.


It IS a racket. I can understand expressing love through gifts, and I understand out helping people who need a hand--- but when I see people registered for dozens of wildly impractical things, I get cranky. It feels as if they were saying "god, I'd never waste MY money on this junk, but YOU should because it's My Big Day!"

While my crankypants are on, I hate it when people say they'll recoup the cost of their wedding in gifts. Are you inviting friends because you care for them, or because you expect to be 'paid back' for their presence?

I just got married in June and moved across the Atlantic in July. No bridal shower, no bachelor/bachelorette parties, and we asked our few guests to bring something delicious to the wedding reception in lieu of gifts.

In related news, get off my lawn. End of rant.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 1:57 pm 
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If you don't want to give a gift off a registry just don't. You are under no obligation to do so. I personally enjoyed being able to select something off a registry for the last wedding I attended because I didn't get them something they already had/didn't need. I understand that not everyone likes it, but I get tired of the everything-wedding-related-to-weddings-is-tacky dialogue.

That being said! No one should ever act as though giving a gift is mandatory.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 2:07 pm 
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lepelaar wrote:
When the video started, with that first scene on the beach, I was sure that was a dummy and not a real baby. But in the next scene it's clearly a real baby.


Yes, same. I can't believe this is even a thing.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 3:43 pm 
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I think baby/wedding showers have changed a lot. Once upon a time, couples didn't live together before they got married (generally) so the wedding gifts were how they started their home. Now, hardly anyone goes right from living with their parents to getting married so we all have the basic stuff so yes, sometimes people ask for silly things. Personally, I ignore registries because I love picking out the perfect gift and surprising people with something really neat (usually something off of etsy, one of my friends got married and I had a custom watercolor done of her and the groom as cupcakes by Cakespy and when they had a shower for their first baby I gave them some Mario themed prints for his room).

I generally avoid baby showers because I am not close enough to the people giving them, and since i'm vegan i'm not willing to sit there for two hours and sip a soda while everyone else enjoys cake and snacks, nevermind the gift part.

You know what's forking nuts now? Christmas at grandma's. One of Brian's cousins was a teen dad so he had the first great-grandchild like...seven or eight years ago. She was the only kid for a long time and she didn't even stay for the whole day because she had to go with her mom to her other grandparents house. Then one of Brian's cousins had two kids while he was stationed in Germany so we didn't see them for at least one Christmas, and then Brian's cousin who lives in Florida had a baby. This year, THREE more babies were/will be born before Christmas and they're all forking coming. That is so many forking babies and toddlers and children in one small room. Brian's mom is the only person in the family now who isn't a grandparent. Brian's sister feels the same way about babies as I do (which is yeah, maybe) but both of us think that we should start going to Hawaii for Christmas this year.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:46 pm 
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molasses jane wrote:
Couples who share rent and have two incomes can go buy their own crepe and binkies and BARF.

This is great.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:53 pm 
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Nebraskalaska wrote:
If you don't want to give a gift off a registry just don't. You are under no obligation to do so. I personally enjoyed being able to select something off a registry for the last wedding I attended because I didn't get them something they already had/didn't need. I understand that not everyone likes it, but I get tired of the everything-wedding-related-to-weddings-is-tacky dialogue.

That being said! No one should ever act as though giving a gift is mandatory.


My rampage is not against registries. Though I think they are gross and a particularly ugly display of entitlement and consumerism. My rampage is against the idea that we should give and give and give costly usable domestic items, but only to certain people on certain occasions, and never to single people (unless a single parent) or people without children (unless they are getting married). The occasions our culture accepts are: 1. new parents, and 2. newlyweds. We don't otherwise do showers or give expensive presents of a particular utility, even if others could benefit from/enjoy gifts for the home. And, as Mrs B. notes, the original intention around why we gave those gifts no longer generally applies.

And sure, no one has to give any gift. But to sit there at the showers, or show up at the wedding that you paid $1600 to get to, stay in a hotel at, and wear a poofy dress for, and not give one, only makes you look like a crasshole. Even when the couple gets divorced two years later. That's how societal norms work. And god forbid you should express frustration. Then you're just bitter cause you're alone/without kids.

For anyone who is interested, the full text of the Time article (that caused a "sigh" in the Playground) is here: http://www.fem2pt0.com/2013/08/02/havin ... -children/

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Last edited by molasses jane on Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:04 pm 
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From the Time article:

"Laura Scott runs the childless by choice documentary project, which gathers stories of people who opt out of parenthood. “To make this choice, you really have to be able to manage and navigate all assumptions that are going to be made about you,” she says. “You have to be able to challenge the status quo.”"

To remove yourself from having children in a society in which heteronormative child-producing coupledom is the norm is a radical act.
Sounds like veganism.

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