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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:30 am 
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Heart of Vegan Marshmallow
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I guess I'm pretty lucky because my parents have always anticipated that I'd never have kids and they don't expect it. In fact I think they'd be truly shocked if I did have kids because I've spent my whole life talking about how I'll never have them! I'm not a nurturer and don't think I'd be a good parent anyway. Everyone is better off if I'm only responsible for myself.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:28 pm 
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ashley wrote:
I guess I'm pretty lucky because my parents have always anticipated that I'd never have kids and they don't expect it. In fact I think they'd be truly shocked if I did have kids because I've spent my whole life talking about how I'll never have them! I'm not a nurturer and don't think I'd be a good parent anyway. Everyone is better off if I'm only responsible for myself.

Hell, sometimes I don't even feel responsible enough for myself.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Wed Aug 21, 2013 2:30 pm 
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Ever since my miscarriage, my mom has stopped telling me to have a baby. Like...finally. Now that I don't really think I want one anymore, it's even more of a relief. Also, she has 6 grandkids already. But she used to tell me that she wanted me to have one, because it would be the only 'normal' grandchild (she's not super happy with how the other ones are turning out, I guess). No pressure.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Wed Aug 21, 2013 2:50 pm 
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Often times I feel like falling pregnant and having an abortion at 42 broke my little brain. I've never wanted children. I'd always been so anal about birth control and never had a slip before then. Like many, we got careless because of my age. I still don't want children, it just would not be right for us, but OMG, ever since that pregnancy the romantic broodiness that can at time overtake me. I will never again underestimate what pregnancy can do to a woman's mind. I think because my husband and I are such bonded pair it makes sense that we romanticize combining our DNA, but as soon as we play out in conversation the reality of what being parents would look like for us, we shudder in absolute terror. But since that pregnancy it's a war I battle regularly in my head. I'm hoping the vasectomy will close the door on that madness for good. As in , well it's not possible anyway, so the broodiness will not haunt me like it occasionally does now.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:27 pm 
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A pretty good article in the Omaha World Herald.
http://www.omaha.com/apps/pbcs.dll/arti ... F130829298
(the writer is a neighbor of mine, actually)

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 11:07 pm 
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jean wrote:
Often times I feel like falling pregnant and having an abortion at 42 broke my little brain. I've never wanted children. I'd always been so anal about birth control and never had a slip before then. Like many, we got careless because of my age. I still don't want children, it just would not be right for us, but OMG, ever since that pregnancy the romantic broodiness that can at time overtake me. I will never again underestimate what pregnancy can do to a woman's mind. I think because my husband and I are such bonded pair it makes sense that we romanticize combining our DNA, but as soon as we play out in conversation the reality of what being parents would look like for us, we shudder in absolute terror. But since that pregnancy it's a war I battle regularly in my head. I'm hoping the vasectomy will close the door on that madness for good. As in , well it's not possible anyway, so the broodiness will not haunt me like it occasionally does now.


Ah jean. I think it makes sense that you feel broody about it though-- it went from being an abstract "naw, probably not" to being a concrete "I had this choice and I chose no." Whenever you make a solid, concrete choice, it's natural to wonder if you've made the right one. And maybe totally natural to romanticize the other choice. That's been my experience anyway. It does not mean you've chosen wrong or that you're going crazy or anything, just that you're thoughtful enough to reflect on how else your life could be.

I hope the vasectomy brings you some closure and some peace.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 6:46 am 
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Saggy Butt
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rachell37 wrote:
I think this comes from so many years of women choosing not to have kids because they've chosen to focus on their careers. Like, that seems to be what the conversation became - if you don't have kids, it's because you have an amazing job that requires the attention/time/commitment that raising a family would. And I think people are just starting to come around to the idea that people can be child-free, regular-ass people - you don't have to become the CEO to justify not having kids.


Yes. For me, it's also a "must find a way to please EVERYONE EVERYWHERE" reflex--- I'm working not giving a damn what people think. Uphill work.

Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
UGGGGH I don't know why, but the whole "when are you going to give me grandchildren?" thing strikes me as sooo manipulative and greedy. Because bringing another life into this world should really be done for the amusement and convenience of family members, so they have something cute to cuddle and brag about.


Agreed. My mom used to refer to my [hypothetical] future children as "cute grandpuppies." Dogs are great, but I hated the idea of giving birth to puppies/that she'd refer to kids as puppies. In hindsight, maybe I should have adopted a dog... Now she has five grandkids, thanks to my siblings, so the grandpuppy talk has ended. Whew.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:29 am 
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coldandsleepy wrote:
Whenever you make a solid, concrete choice, it's natural to wonder if you've made the right one. And maybe totally natural to romanticize the other choice. That's been my experience anyway. It does not mean you've chosen wrong or that you're going crazy or anything, just that you're thoughtful enough to reflect on how else your life could be.

I hope the vasectomy brings you some closure and some peace.


Thank you for this coldandsleepy . What you have said here has been very helpful. * hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:42 am 
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Chip Strong
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IsaChandra wrote:
A pretty good article in the Omaha World Herald.
http://www.omaha.com/apps/pbcs.dll/arti ... F130829298
(the writer is a neighbor of mine, actually)


I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:30 pm 
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Chip Strong
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I have to bump this thread today. My husband and I pretty much in the "no kids" camp. It's not something I've always known or have had super strong feelings about, but I firmly believe that parenthood shouldn't just be "the next step" and frankly I have no desire to make the changes in my life that motherhood requires/is expected of me.

This has been pretty much a non-issue up until now but it seems that everyone I know is pregnant. I am 33 and most of my friends fall into the same age range. It's like I turned around one day and everyone is having a kid. Sister just had a baby, co-workers are pregs, a good friend I've had since teenagehood is due in a couple months and now, today, I hear news that one of my oldest friends is pregnant too. I was surprised that own reaction to her news was not really happy feelings (rest assured, this was not a face-to-face conversation, she lives overseas). I feel like kind of a jerk for not being excited for my good friend, and maybe I'm being dramatic in doing so, but I feel like I'm already mourning the freedom of the "no kids" friendship we have. She has lived in Scotland for many years now and often we visit each other. I love her for lots of reasons, but she was always the go-to gal for traveling and nights out on the town and general crazy adventures. I can't imagine we'll have many much more of those experiences together after she becomes a mommy. I feel selfish even admitting this, but I'm afraid of losing my friend to motherhood.

I am happy to share the experiences of motherhood and parenting with my friends, but lately it feels like so many of my interactions are all. about. baby. I feel like I have been a great support to my pregnant/mother friends but wish there was a little more balance back in my friendships. I get it, this is big for them but I have cool/big stuff going on in my life and we used to do non-baby related cool stuff too. Together. I like kids, and welcome them into my life, but I'm sad that this most recent pregnancy news has left me feeling like such an outsider. I'm okay with my choice not to have kids, but the more friends I have that I formally didn't picture having kids get pregnant, the more I feel that constant din of "why aren't you?". This feeling isn't coming from anyone or anything in particular, it's just the reminder that society expects parenthood (motherhood) as the default, one that I'm opting out of. It's making me second guess myself and I hate that.

I guess I'm just feeling all kinds of feelings (and feeling like a jerk about my feelings - ugh. Worst!) about this and needed a safe space to air those feelings and work through them. Thanks, PPK.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2013 6:50 am 
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studio wrote:
... I firmly believe that parenthood shouldn't just be "the next step" and frankly I have no desire to make the changes in my life that motherhood requires/is expected of me.


You can't tell, but I'm saluting you.

studio wrote:
I feel like kind of a jerk for not being excited for my good friend, and maybe I'm being dramatic in doing so, but I feel like I'm already mourning the freedom of the "no kids" friendship we have.


Right there with you, and I don't think it's too dramatic to mourn the end of an era with someone you love dearly. It sounds like you've had a lot of great adventures with your friend!

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2013 6:52 am 
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I saw an internet ad yesterday that irked me! It had the word Chemotherapy with Che and apy marked out and "Mother" was prominent/highlighted. It was about supporting a palliative care bill? Because of mothers obviously.... gotta support mothers...

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 8:57 am 
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I met a friend yesterday and he and his wife have a 2 months old daughter. We went to a restaurant and the baby was quite cute and quiet and I got to hold her for 10 minutes or so, both when she was being fussy (because tired/hungry), and when she was happy and smiling. It was nice for those 10 minutes, although I felt useless when she was grumpy because what can I do? Sleep if you are tired! And I felt bored when she was happy because there's only so much "coooo-coooo-cooo" I can do to a baby before it gets boring.
So this reinforced the idea that kids for me are a no go. She was just like a heavy doll, cute and all but what do I do with you? I'm too old to play with dolls. And dolls can be put away when you're tired of them but the baby you have to keep.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 10:03 am 
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***LIES!!!***
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Anek, even most of the parents I know (myself included) were not big fans of the heavy-doll-stage of babyhood. It is countless hours of mostly boredom while you still have to be on hyper alert to deal with problems. I do like holding other people's babies, though, because you can give them back when you get bored of them or they need something.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 10:12 am 
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And then you have parents who never tire of the heavy-doll phase. I've always been disturbed by people who have another baby because "the first one got too big to cuddle". It always made me feel awful for the first child. I'm sure most people do not have a second child for this reason though.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 10:14 am 
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studio wrote:
I have to bump this thread today. My husband and I pretty much in the "no kids" camp. It's not something I've always known or have had super strong feelings about, but I firmly believe that parenthood shouldn't just be "the next step" and frankly I have no desire to make the changes in my life that motherhood requires/is expected of me.

This has been pretty much a non-issue up until now but it seems that everyone I know is pregnant. I am 33 and most of my friends fall into the same age range. It's like I turned around one day and everyone is having a kid. Sister just had a baby, co-workers are pregs, a good friend I've had since teenagehood is due in a couple months and now, today, I hear news that one of my oldest friends is pregnant too. I was surprised that own reaction to her news was not really happy feelings (rest assured, this was not a face-to-face conversation, she lives overseas). I feel like kind of a jerk for not being excited for my good friend, and maybe I'm being dramatic in doing so, but I feel like I'm already mourning the freedom of the "no kids" friendship we have. She has lived in Scotland for many years now and often we visit each other. I love her for lots of reasons, but she was always the go-to gal for traveling and nights out on the town and general crazy adventures. I can't imagine we'll have many much more of those experiences together after she becomes a mommy. I feel selfish even admitting this, but I'm afraid of losing my friend to motherhood.

I am happy to share the experiences of motherhood and parenting with my friends, but lately it feels like so many of my interactions are all. about. baby. I feel like I have been a great support to my pregnant/mother friends but wish there was a little more balance back in my friendships. I get it, this is big for them but I have cool/big stuff going on in my life and we used to do non-baby related cool stuff too. Together. I like kids, and welcome them into my life, but I'm sad that this most recent pregnancy news has left me feeling like such an outsider. I'm okay with my choice not to have kids, but the more friends I have that I formally didn't picture having kids get pregnant, the more I feel that constant din of "why aren't you?". This feeling isn't coming from anyone or anything in particular, it's just the reminder that society expects parenthood (motherhood) as the default, one that I'm opting out of. It's making me second guess myself and I hate that.

I guess I'm just feeling all kinds of feelings (and feeling like a jerk about my feelings - ugh. Worst!) about this and needed a safe space to air those feelings and work through them. Thanks, PPK.


I just want to say that I can really really relate to all of this. I'm 40 now, but I went through a nonstop baby phase a while back. Honestly, my relationships with my friends did change a lot... But it's not all bad. Once the kids are a little older, you basically get a new bonus friend! But, it is a tough time to go through. I think a lot of new moms feel abandoned by their no-kid friends, but I also felt quite abandoned by many of my kid-having friends. I'm glad to see that the most intense difference only lasts a few years. Hugs

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:00 am 
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So resisting being snarky... My sister in law posted this on her facebook page...
Image

The thing is, yes I know you just had a baby, but she seems to have gone off the deep end in the last few months.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:02 am 
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Ok, so I've done these things anyway, I guess. I didn't need my own baby for that.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:04 am 
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No-pants hermit 4 lyfe
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i hate that! don't tell me what i've felt! and don't tell all the other people in your life that maybe you liked them a lot, and maybe you thought you loved them, but obviously you didn't, because how could you without changing their diapers.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:05 am 
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WRETCHED
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Well I was going to ask her if she is suggesting that I powder her brother's booty.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:06 am 
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No-pants hermit 4 lyfe
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omg do it.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:07 am 
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Do it!

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:53 am 
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It's only love if it's little, guys.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:53 am 
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Ugh, there is not much I hate more than the "you don't understand love because you're not a mother." fork you. fork you very much. You might as well tell me I'm not fully human since you're telling me that I am unable to experience or understand the depth of human emotion.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 12:17 pm 
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linanil wrote:
Well I was going to ask her if she is suggesting that I powder her brother's booty.

You can powder my booty, baby.

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