Post Punk Kitchen Forum

I started my practical exam at culinary college with setting my instruction sheet on fire.

That would have been hilarious, had it not been part of nosediving straight into a full blown panic attack. I spent 20 minutes staring at my work bench while tumbleweeds rolled about in my head. Then my hands got a severe shaking fit - so bad that I couldn't hold stuff in my hands anymore. Then I cried uncontrollably for another 20 minutes, and after that I went home.

Now I feel really empty, yet panicky about possibly never being able to function as most adults.

Are you ok now Paloma? Was it a panic attack or just bad nerves?

Oh Paloma, that's a horrible day indeed :( Hope you're feeling better now.

No, I'm not okay, unfortunately. I am so depressed and so anxious and I keep running into my limits. It's getting to me so badly. Not being able to do things makes me sadder and more anxious. I feel so very broken. :(

Maybe temporary setbacks, not limits? I know how you feel, believe me. I spent an entire semester unable to speak without stuttering so badly (from panic attacks) that nobody could understand me.

I don't have a solution to feeling broken--it just eventually got better.

Can you retake the practical or have some accommodation for anxiety like more time?

I just hate being The Girl Who Cried and the Person For Whom Exceptions Need To Be Made. That makes me even more anxious.

All I want is just to get by, you know? Just getting that diploma, finding a job with a fixed amount of hours in a restaurant or catering company that suits me and thus not having to worry about not having enough work and/or money. I've been yearning for that peace and quiet for years now. But it's some sort of vicious circle: got no papers, got no steady job, am scraping by with various seasonal and unsteady jobs here and there, that causes stress and worries, which bite me in the asparagus all the time. You know ?

Yeah, I do. I felt like I would never get through my degree, and I ended up barely getting out instead of ending up at a top tier schools working on my phd. It sucks. I had so much opportunity that I just couldn't do and that still makes me feel broken. I want to be researching the mineral content of volcanic rocks and crepe, not teaching uncaring high school students. It killed me then and it really kills me now. In college, everyone was so nice, but every semester I had some crepe: surgery, major debilitating depression/panic attacks, surgery, blah blah. For once, I wanted to be "normal."

You can do it, its just going to be harder than it is or seems like it is for everyone else, but you can still do it. Maybe it will just take you longer, but thats ok, you will still get there. And, you know, if you need help or exceptions, so be it. Thats nothing to be ashamed of--just take the help and prove yourself worthy of it by doing your best. I've found that people are always happy to have helped in that case.

Lots of hugs!

Oh Fatcat, my thoughts are with you, your sister and your family. I hope that you all find comfort in one another and some peace <3 <3 <3

Hugs to you Paloma. Are you getting mental health support? I used to have really bad anxiety issues as well, and totally understand the vicious circle. For me, therapy (drug adn talk) was crucial to calm your anxiety and let me off the merrygoround.

Sending good thoughts to everyone who needs them <3

This. Exactly this.

Thank you for sharing, lavawitch. That's exactly what I needed to hear. <3 It's so hard to keep believing in yourself somethimes, you know?

And 'fulish: Yes, I am medicated & seeing a wonderful therapist. Might need to readjust dosages and/or frequency of visits though.

It is. Sometimes you just have to get your energy from all the other people that believe in you!

Lavawitch is wise, and there are ways to learn to resource yourself too. Are you working with your therapist to develop cognitive behavioral techniques to manage your triggers and short-circuit the cycle? I used to just practice taking 10 deep breaths, when I was losing it and then I'd take some time to just relax. Its important to remember that once the adrenaline starts going, you're going to feel at the effect of it, so for me it was useful to say "yes, I feel panicky, fluttery and sick, and that is just the adrenaline in my body subsiding not a real threat/real me."

I would also find something calming. For me, what sometimes works is a spritz of Chanel No5, so I always carry a few of the little sample thingys in my purse. I did this when I went for my MRI on Friday. They probably thought I was nuts spraying perfume before going in the machine, but they've probably seen stranger!

Other things that sometimes help: listening to opera for a couple minutes, reading a few pages of a favorite book, looking at a goofy Molly photo..anything to help ground me a tiny bit. Doesn't always work miracles or anything, but it sure can help. Decaf soy lattes are soothing to me too, so I plan to have one when I am sure I'll need it!

The seller rejected our offer but did not counter.
The longer we wait for her to figure out what she wants (oh hey, house on the market for months, several price reductions, take my offer it is good) the closer to homeless we are. I am furious.

Mammogram and then spending an hour and a half in ultrasound having my breasts thoroughly mapped and then the radiologist and technician going over all the "areas of concern" which took a frightening while. I'm grateful they spent so much time with me and are so careful, but it's all very upsetting. The doctor told me she has to finish going over all my films but said "prepare yourself for another biopsy." Bah! I'm just gonna cry for a bit and then get my chin back up because I do think I'll be all right. I think my boobs are just troublesome and sprout things they're not supposed to.

What did your real estate agent say? Generally no counter offer is a bad sign and means its time to find a different house.

That was a big part of the problem. Our agent and her agent are working together, both want us in the house. She had been told that an investor was putting in an offer (it was to come in a week ago) and everyone thinks she is waiting for that, thinking it will be above asking. But if the investor hasn't yet, it is unlikely they will. We all feel she is not being upfront with what she wants.

I don't have a lot of time to look at even more houses that won't work. A big part of this equation is that our landlords are hiking our rent illegally, and we need a home.

Allergy attack while rearranging and cleaning. My roommate and I will have a very nice, put together home once it's all done, but shiitake. All this dust we're kicking up that's been totally dorment is killing me (literally).

My phone was stolen last week...stupid phone provider did not restrict the phone/data like I asked them too. Now that I have my old phone turned on, I keep getting all these flirty texts from random numbers.

Obviously the douchebag who took my phone (out of my purse at a bar) has been using it to text girls. Been getting texts ALL DAY. Nobody wants to help me of course. I bought a new phone and am trying to forget about it, but it is really annoying. I keep telling these chicks that I don't care who has it, or how he got it, but there are some pics on there of a close friend that died last year, the ONLY pics of him I have hoping that they will help me.

makes chicki want to smash things. Damn thieves. I would NEVER dream of stealing a phone. Hell, I have found phones many times on the ground at clubs after the lights come on (partner is a musician) and I don't even turn them over to the club, I call numbers on the phone to get it back to the owner.

Dating has me so stressed. I like the guy I'm seeing more than I've ever liked anyone, and my mind keeps forking with me, making me wonder when I'm going to ruin everything by being needy/not available enough, overly affectionate/not affectionate enough, giving him too much/not enough space, etc. I'm afraid to text him because I don't want to bother him, and yet I think about him all.the.time. He knows I have trust issues and he's done nothing at all to warrant distrust. I thought I'd be happier by finding someone to date, but I think all the worrying is making me even more miserable. Yuck.

I feel like I'm never going to get a job. I had two interview for two different positions for my DREAM JOB and got rejected once and am pretty sure I'm going to get rejected again. I hate coming so close and missing out :( It feels like I'm never going to get hired...

That's horrible! Does he still have it/can he text with it? If so I'd try texting myself in case he gets the text and asking him directly to email them or something.

Do you have a PRN that you can take for anxiety when you start to feel a panic attack coming on? If not, and if it's something you are interested in, it might be worth investigating.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

My uncle was truly a one-of-a-kind, amazing man and I already miss him terribly. My family is very close, we grew up as a unit and lived together when we were kids. My cousins are like my siblings. My uncle is in the forefront of so many of my happy childhood memories. So far, we are just spending lots of time together as a family. There will be no funeral but rather a "celebration of life" party later next week. We are going to eat and drink his favourite foods, laugh and tell stories. We anticipate 150+ people. It's exactly what he wanted.

Hugs from a fellow over-analyzer. I wondered the same thing when I had someone to date for that blip recently, thought I was happier before with nothing... now with nothing again I'm doing all I can to get something! I just recommend you keep telling yourself how there's no need to worry, even if you don't believe it. It works if you are diligent enough! (Therein is the hard part)

That sounds beautiful. Much love to you and your family.