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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 10:40 am 
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Tofu Pup
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I feel really sad. Something happened last night that brought back some memories and made me realise that current events have affected me more than I was aware of. Spoilered for possible triggers.

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Last night I had a few drinks to celebrate the New Year. Mr Hulk initiated sex but I wasn't really into it, didn't feel so great because of the alcohol and I'm still not sure that I actually wanted it to happen. I don't know if I let it happen because I love him, don't want him to feel rejected, etc but at what cost to myself? We talked about it and he didn't realize that I felt the way I did/do, so we've agreed that it won't happen like that again. More communication is needed.
It brought back memories of being sexually assaulted by someone who I thought loved me and I also got really upset over Damini. I still feel low.

I've been questioning my sexuality for quite a while. If I wasn't in a relationship with Mr Hulk I don't think I'd be looking for a male partner, but I do and I love him very much. My internal dialogue can be pretty confusing sometimes which is why I don't think I've made much sense here. I still feel rather upset.


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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 12:24 pm 
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I used to have the same problem on a regular basis; (it was with my ex and we had horrible communication) it lead me to fear any intercourse, and, the saddest memory is how hugs and cuddle made me feel. Because I knew it would systematically lead him to sex, while I actually still needed "genuine" innocent cuddling (it s hard to find appropriate words)...
So sex became a systematically horrible experience, painful, avoided and never asked for.

I think the problem is that we have to carry centuries of atavic Patriarcal "dutysex"

Now: it's GREAT that you could talk about it immediately and agree on this "not that way" thing -even if he doesnt understand yet how you feel now, the most important is that he feels enough concerned about your feelings and needs to search with you for solutions.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:49 pm 
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So the new plan is that roommate's boyfriend will move in here and I will be kicked out (of the place I found, my name is on the lease) so he can have a music room because MOVING IS SUCH A HASSLE.

I have decided this is not what's going down because it is absolute forking bullshiitake.

I will stay until Mar, at which point he can move in. I will then move my stuff when I get back from my trip Mar 5 or they can move my stuff while I'm away. And, frankly, I don't care at this point whether she likes this plan or not because it is seventeen kinds of not okay to give someone less than a day to decide if she has to move within a month of major surgery or while she is out of the country. And then to act like this timing is just the winds of fate!

God damn it am I ever pissed off.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:16 pm 
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Oh j-dub, that sucks. Your roommate is way out of line. Especially if your name in on the lease.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:16 pm 
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Are you the only name on the lease? They can't kick you out. I'd try to stay and find myself a roommate.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:20 pm 
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Holy shiitake j-dub! That's nuts. And all kinds of forked up and not okay, especially with what you've been dealing with.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:24 pm 
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J-Dub! That is awful rotten of them! I would be fair slow at moving out. If they give you any hassle say "moving is such a hassle." Just throw their words back at them.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:31 pm 
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J-Dub your roommate is really being a jerk. Hang in there!

That said, I had a roommate in Paris who tried to force me out and that was a lousy experience too. If they're not moving then you can definitely drag your heels and delay moving until you find the right situation, but I wouldn't be in open conflict about it, if I could help it.

Sending tons of good thoughts <3

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:32 pm 
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Thanks Emilie. He feels sad about it too and has said that he's worried that this could impact my ability to trust him. We just need to keep talking.

I'm sorry j-dub, that's really inconsiderate of your roommate to do that. I'd be really pissed in your position too.


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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:42 pm 
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pandacookie wrote:
Are you the only name on the lease? They can't kick you out. I'd try to stay and find myself a roommate.

I am the only name on the lease. But we have had some ongoing landlord issues that don't really make the hassle of finding a roommate worth it. I am going to try to find a studio. But the catch is that I will find out toward the end of the month whether I am going to get debt relief for my student loan or not, which will very much impact my budget. So moving for February basically just can't happen.

I'd also like to point out that my roommate is, nominally, my "best friend".

Everything about this situation sucks. And the level of self-absorption I'm witnessing makes me both angry and sad.

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"But really, anyone willing to dangle their baby in front of a crocodile is A-OK in my book."~SSD


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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:51 pm 
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Eurgh, that's even worse, you can't even bisque about the situation with your best friend when your best friend is causing the situation :(

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 3:00 pm 
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Man that really sucks. Friends can really do the shittiest of things sometimes.

Worst part of my day.... reliving the panic of yesterday. I hate that I get so fixated on negative thinking and constant worrying. I wish I could just brush things off like normal people.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 6:04 pm 
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(My worst thing is that I just noticed I have written "patriarcal" with a capital p)



j-dub wrote:
I am the only name on the lease. But we have had some ongoing landlord issues that don't really make the hassle of finding a roommate worth it. I am going to try to find a studio. But the catch is that I will find out toward the end of the month whether I am going to get debt relief for my student loan or not, which will very much impact my budget. So moving for February basically just can't happen.

I'd also like to point out that my roommate is, nominally, my "best friend".

Everything about this situation sucks. And the level of self-absorption I'm witnessing makes me both angry and sad .


yeah, a studio on your own sounds way wiser than taking the risk of even more troubles with a new flatmate (especially if you already have landlord issues: I'd take the first opportunity to escape that place);
Sadly, facing conflicts with a flatmate that is also a close friend is rather common, but with any luck you'll eventually find a way to get over it as friends (while having conflicts with a flatmate that s never been a friend nor anything can be an even sicker experience)

no wonder you feel angry with all that trouble happening in your home -home being supposedly the place where one feels safe from troubles... :/
sending you positive waves

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:31 pm 
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j-dub, that sounds awful! Definitely drag your heels as long as you can, and hopefully you can find something affordable where you can live alone.

I can't even imagine having a roommate. I've never had one that wasn't someone I was dating, and everything I hear about it is terrible. Alone forever! (Forever alone?)

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:40 pm 
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My jaw is randomly aching and I'm wicked tired.


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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:46 pm 
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My baby is sick with a cold and just cries and cries and then chokes and coughs and I can't really do much to help him. It breaks a mom's heart.


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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 9:47 pm 
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Gymclasszero, I hate it when my jaw hurts, because then my whole neck/upper back often starts hurting. I hope you feel better.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 11:15 pm 
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My "check engine" light lit up and I just had the car serviced on Saturday. Hopefully it's not something bad or that they broke when I was having it serviced. My furnace also decided to conk out last night and it was 0 degrees outside. I'm too cheap to pay emergency holiday rates, so I'm going to try and get it fixed tomorrow. Thankfully I have space heaters until then. Great start to the new year.


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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 12:04 am 
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j-dub, that sucks. I hope you don't have to be in conflict about it, but yeah, I would certainly not roll over about it.

At least in the US, it doesn't really matter if your name is on the lease or the only name on the lease, you would have to move to evict someone if they've been living there for a long time, and would have to show really good cause (and it takes for forking ever). My sister ran into that situation when she invited some crasshole to temporarily stay with her and then he wouldn't leave. The cops would not remove him even when he was abusive to her, because he had a legal right to stay there after having been there a couple months (even though he paid no rent).


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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 1:35 am 
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Yeah, this actually comes up a fair bit in my work, so I know the complicated and time-consuming avenues to getting someone out. I don't think it's going to get to that (I mean, at this point I want to be out as soon as I can *reasonably* be out). It's about the same here as what you're describing, Ariann.

She didn't come home last night or today so I wrote her an email telling her what I will be doing and how disrespectful and unkind I feel her actions have been. Unfortunately, this is not the first time that she has shown herself to be utterly unconcerned with how her actions impact me.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 3:06 am 
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Well. She responded. Suffice to say it is incredibly unkind and, uh, a very different reading on the situation.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 3:14 am 
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I'm sorry, j-dub. You deserve better.

There also aren't many readings on moving without adequate notice, barring drastic life events. It's a jerk face move anyway you look at it.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 5:06 am 
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And now I can't sleep because I am so stressed and upset about this situation. And trying to imagine how the next two months in this house will be manageable. And tomorrow's supposed to be my first day back at work but I'm still feeling pretty crappy and clearly won't be getting much sleep tonight.

(And sorry for basically taking over the thread!)

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 7:20 am 
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I am so sorry J-Dub. No worries about the thread, we are all posting because we adore you and hope things go well. Your friend is being a thoughtless bully and as Lavawitch said, there really aren't many non-jerk interpretations for trying to force someone out of their home after they just had major surgery and no non-jerk interpretations when that person is your best friend.

Sending many, many, many good thoughts. I hope things work out and that you can find a modus vivendi for your time together and then get a nice studio. And I hope your first day back goes well.

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 Post subject: Re: What was the worst thing about your day?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 9:00 am 
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j-dub, I was recently faced with the prospect of no sleep over how the next couple of months would go in a crappy living situation... and they passed, and actually with less stress than I thought they would. My situation is different from yours (breakup) and the two of us maintain a general mutual respect for each other, so that made it a little easier, but I still was worried because you never know what might happen.

But on the other hand, you never know what might happen! It could all go by quickly (and you seem like you have plenty to keep you busy for the next while) and painlessly (especially if she is spending tons of time out of the apartment). Best of luck to you. Moving is stressful, no matter how ideal the situation, but it passes. You'll be better off once you're no longer living with this person.

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