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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 3:21 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
Puma wrote:
My soul mate is married. He is content with her. I would make him happy.


I would be PISSED if someone said this about my husband. I don't think it's really all that fair to make judgments like that from outside the relationship.

Crushes on people who are not available do suck. Unfortunately, they're just part of life, and everyone goes through them. Listen to semiautomatic. As frustrating as that advice may be to hear, I think it's bang on. Also, I hope the sad-causing crush clears up soon.

I didn't say this about your relationship, and I wouldn't say it about most relationships. I said it about one of my very best friends relationships. A very unique complicated marriage that most people would not tolerate. They go on separate vacations, have separate interests, spend very, very little time together. It is almost a business relationship and both are content. He loves her and will never leave her, but he has to hide who he really is from her too.

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 3:40 pm 
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Puma wrote:
jordanpattern wrote:
Puma wrote:
My soul mate is married. He is content with her. I would make him happy.


I would be PISSED if someone said this about my husband. I don't think it's really all that fair to make judgments like that from outside the relationship.

Crushes on people who are not available do suck. Unfortunately, they're just part of life, and everyone goes through them. Listen to semiautomatic. As frustrating as that advice may be to hear, I think it's bang on. Also, I hope the sad-causing crush clears up soon.

I didn't say this about your relationship, and I wouldn't say it about most relationships. I said it about one of my very best friends relationships. A very unique complicated marriage that most people would not tolerate. They go on separate vacations, have separate interests, spend very, very little time together. It is almost a business relationship and both are content. He loves her and will never leave her, but he has to hide who he really is from her too.


I am well aware you didn't say it about my relationship. I simply said that if someone said that about my marriage, I would be pissed off.

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 3:40 pm 
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kfad wrote:
oncewerewesties wrote:
I had an issue with this earlier this year, with someone having [and expressing] a crush on my husband.
Even though nothing happened it was a really horrible time for me, so I would definitely say unless you get any kind of clear signal that the significant other might not be so significant, it's best not to say anything/act on it.


This.
It is one thing if it is a secret crush. But knowing that someone has feelings for the person you love is threatening in a way that is very difficult to explain. We have a good marriage and it still was very unpleasant.


exactly. I don't think you have to be unstable or anything in your own marriage/relationship to feel violated and hurt when someone else thinks [and says] they'd do better in your place.

but again, having those feelings yourself can totally suck because you don't choose who you fall for. But you can choose to not let the person you're crushing on know about it, and I think that's the way it has to be, crappy as it may seem at the time.


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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 4:34 pm 
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i think it's something of a safety issue to be attracted to someone who isn't available. you can't really fall in love, so you can't really get hurt.


maybe?


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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:28 pm 
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Puma wrote:
I didn't say this about your relationship, and I wouldn't say it about most relationships. I said it about one of my very best friends relationships. A very unique complicated marriage that most people would not tolerate. They go on separate vacations, have separate interests, spend very, very little time together. It is almost a business relationship and both are content. He loves her and will never leave her, but he has to hide who he really is from her too.

this is pretty similar to the situation with me and my ex-bff. he couldn't leave her though, he felt she kept him safe from drugs - she's sXe and he's definitely not.
because MY drug problem definitely would have hurt him.

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:54 pm 
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oh and to clarify: he told me that he wished he were with me (um, hi, dildo, you can make it happen) but that he couldn't, for whatever reason, leave her. she kicked him out, he came crying to me. had a trip booked to montreal for the weekend. i was working all weekend, couldn't go, so he went back to her, just to go to MTL. called me an hour after coming to see me saying he couldn't hang out with me ever again.

i know it's because she took him back/agreed to go on the trip on the condition that he told me we couldn't be friends anymore. it was for the best, though. for a month or so before that, i was really starting to lose respect for him because that's when i found out he'd like me for like 10 months.

it was a pretty big impact on my life because he was my bff and we did everything together but afterward i kind of felt used, like i was just a mistress or something (we did not fork, he kept telling me he wanted to and try to kiss me etc but i wouldn't let him). also a big impact because he was the first person i've been in love with and really got along with.

so...yeah. LIFE IS FUN

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:06 pm 
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semiautomatic wrote:
oh and to clarify: he told me that he wished he were with me (um, hi, dildo, you can make it happen) but that he couldn't, for whatever reason, leave her. she kicked him out, he came crying to me. had a trip booked to montreal for the weekend. i was working all weekend, couldn't go, so he went back to her, just to go to MTL. called me an hour after coming to see me saying he couldn't hang out with me ever again.

i know it's because she took him back/agreed to go on the trip on the condition that he told me we couldn't be friends anymore. it was for the best, though. for a month or so before that, i was really starting to lose respect for him because that's when i found out he'd like me for like 10 months.

it was a pretty big impact on my life because he was my bff and we did everything together but afterward i kind of felt used, like i was just a mistress or something (we did not fork, he kept telling me he wanted to and try to kiss me etc but i wouldn't let him). also a big impact because he was the first person i've been in love with and really got along with.

so...yeah. LIFE IS FUN

So you don't talk to him anymore? That sucks. I know what you mean by feeling used.

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:33 pm 
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no, i don't. he's a regular cock-knocker.

yeah you end up feeling like you aren't really friends; it's more that he's using you for thrills because his relationship sucks but he doesn't have the balls to do anything about it.

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:46 pm 
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You deserve a lot better than that, semi <3

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 8:07 pm 
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I'm so sorry, semiautomatic. To quote back a sentiment you have said to me, I'd bone you.

Recently my partner found out a girl he goes to school with has a crush on him, and he was so nervous to tell me because he didn't want me to be upset. I ended up laughing and saying I didn't blame her because he is pretty great. And then when he had class I'd ask him if he sat next to his "friend." ; ) I think if it was someone I knew, like one of his good female friends, it would have offended me greatly, but this instance seemed sort of cute and innocent so I didn't feel threatened.

But I've definitely been in the crushing on a taken dude/lady boat, and it is just about the worst feeling ever, especially if that person doesn't set appropriate boundaries and leads you on/takes advantage.

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 8:49 pm 
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More than once in the last few years, I've met women who totally seemed into me--like that weird moment before kissing, that everything goes kinda glossy moment--only to find out they were engaged or married or some such bullshiitake. But the crappy thing? Their significant others generally were cool kinda guys. If only their boyfriends had been douchebags...

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 9:42 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
I am well aware you didn't say it about my relationship. I simply said that if someone said that about my marriage, I would be pissed off.


JoPa is wise. Unless you are actually IN a relationship, you don't know what's really going on. You may know what one person says, but you most likely don't know the reality.

From personal experience on both sides:

1. Semiautomatic is right - you can't look, you just have to be available to the right relationship happening.
2. If you like someone who is taken then you will probably spend a lot of time wishing for what could be, and if you eventually get there - well, if someone cheats on someone to be with you (in any way - written, emotional, physical, whatever) then they will most likely cheat on you too.

It's hard, I know. But mostly, just remember - if you aren't in it, you don't know what's really happening. (Insert long dramatic story HERE for proof. But I'm not in the mood to go there. So just trust me.)

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 9:56 pm 
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appifanie wrote:
if someone cheats on someone to be with you (in any way - written, emotional, physical, whatever) then they will most likely cheat on you too.



yup.

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:11 am 
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...relationships. eughghghghghg...(right now, anyway.) hard.

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 6:41 am 
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Having a crush on someone who is taken is hard for me on many levels - mainly because I don't (choose not to) date, haven't crushed hard in a long time, and suddenly have all these feelings that haven't been part of my day-to-day in a long time. We're talking mopey, recording every conversation, making playlists feelings.

The crush's presence in my life is only temporary and I know that should be some comfort, but right now I'm just in the thick of it and feeling sad about it.

The nice thing? Crushing puts this rosy glow on a person so you don't seem to notice flaws. So right now I'm just thinking his significant other is a very lucky gal.

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 Post subject: Re: crushes on people with significant others...
PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 7:34 am 
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In my limited experience of relationships, I can offer only this insight:

Relationships don't generally end because someone "stole" your partner. Relationships end because they aren't working. If your relationship is healthy, stable, and adequately fulfilling your and your partner's/partners' needs, another person's attractions aren't going to undermine it in any way.

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