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 Post subject: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2015 11:27 am 
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Moving To Sheepshead Bay
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I'm newly (3 weeks) single and I don't have a crush and am not participating in online dating. Anyone else want to talk about navigating life as a single person? I'm thinking the fears, joys, and general whatevers could go here.

Like the text I got in the middle of the night from a guy I haven't spoken to in years who believes it's cool to insult me after I turned him down for...what exactly, I'm not sure. (See the relationship thread for details.) Or what to do when all of your friends (literally every single one of my friends) are coupled up and doing couple things together.

It just seems like there isn't really anywhere to post this kind of stuff that doesn't have to do with relationships, crushes, sex, or online dating. Join me! Tell me what you love about being single. Tell me what you hate about it. Lets wallow/rejoice/advise together!

I personally am still working on what I love about being single, because it's still kind of scary and boring at the moment. I'm watching a lot of Netflix. The thought of going out to bars alone is daunting, and until the Spring schedule of museum and gallery opening receptions starts up, I'm kind of hunkered down. Being single in a smallish town is weird. Everyone knows you and your history, and it's hard to lose yourself in a crowd and meet new people.

What about you?

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55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2015 1:21 pm 
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Location: Seattle!
AP, I'll jump in on what I love about being single:

-one of my favorite activities on an afternoon I have off (before I got a dog and then developed a hops sensitivity) was to take a book to a bar and read while drinking beer. During the summer, this is absolutely amazing, but also during winter if you find a cozy pub you like. You get sucked into the book and if you decide you want to talk to strangers, you have the option of doing so without having something else to do!
-(this toes the line of all the threads) I genuinely love just flirting with strangers. Not in an overt, I'm hitting on you way, but just casual flirting. I do this even if I'm in a relationship, but it's always more fun when single for me.
-Nature walks/hiking/parks! I love exploring nature by myself. It's something that really grounds me and gives me a whole new level of energy for the coming week. Alone, it's an experience, as opposed to with someone, it becomes an activity.
-Cooking whatever I damn well please instead of having to think about other people's preferences or allergies. I love cooking for others and find all that stuff challenging, but it really is nice to just say, "I want a potato chip grilled cheese with a side of cashews and steamed kale tonight." or go super fancy just for myself...especially because I get all the leftovers.
-I also really like going to movies and concerts alone. Hole up in a corner and enjoy.

Now, I try and go on tons of outdoor adventures with my dog, so she can experience a wide breadth of places. It's really been helping me stay happy through my crappy job and was-crappy love life. Now, it's just keeping me calm. Maybe take a day trip to another city or town nearby, find an afternoon's worth of fun things to do that you'd love, pack a lunch to bring with you or find a cool restaurant there.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2015 3:18 pm 
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Lovin' this thread - at first when I saw the title, I was like "isn't there a Not the Crush thread?" but this is clearly different and great.

I want to try all of your things, missdelaney! I've felt kind of stuck at home being single and without many friends. I don't know how to make friends as an adult. So I just stay in alone and miserable. I now want to do like all of the things. I'm always afraid to go out alone like that - like I'd be some loser for not being with friends. I guess it's about how you carry yourself.

Lovin this thread.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2015 5:22 pm 
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Being single has often been pretty difficult for me, crushes/dates really motivate me in lots of ways that being single doesn't. I've also got to start working on being single again, and I'm going to be trying to do lots of self-reflecting/growth. I keep wondering why I enter into these dating scenarios where I'm completely not on the same page as the other person. Its increasingly looking like an issue on my end.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2015 11:35 pm 
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One of my favorite things being single was going to movies by myself. The first time I did it it felt kind of weird, but I just absolutely loved it. Also, just driving around and going to new places. And having weird meals like ramen paired with sparkling cider. Slam poetry, improv, taking CE classes. It was a year before I really embraced being single, and I was single a long time after that and I loved it.


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:06 am 
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Moving To Sheepshead Bay
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I love all of these singledom ideas!

My adventures in singledom today led me to day drinking with a friend and then night drinking with another (both tempered by their significant others). I've decided that I really need someone to make out with.

The end.

Also this thread is totally open to people with any single experience! Even if you're not single now, feel free to chime in with you single experiences.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:07 am 
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My favorite things about being single are:

- waking up extremely early, and getting up to do my yoga practice around sunrise
- nature adventures without chitchat; I love watching the sky and listening to the birds and trees and everything quietly
- cooking whatever I want, and eating whenever I want to
- organizing meetups with my friends, or volunteering at my ashram, or whatever, without having to consult someone else's schedule

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:05 am 
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I love the people I meet and the relationships I build, that I never would while single. I was in a long term relationship --- and I feel like all my other relationships were half-assed a lot of the time, because I could count on him, or I didn't bother meeting new people and doing new things...cause I could just go home and hang out with him. At the time I thought I was happy, but afterwards I found out just how much happier I could have been.

Now I make tons of friends through my dog -- we have a neighborhood doggie meet-up, which is great for me and him, and just have really strong relationship with lots of different people, many of whom I met during things I NEVER would've experienced while in a relationship. The whole world is open to you, enjoy it!

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:36 am 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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I am not single, but I still do a lot of things that I started doing when I became single after a 5+ year relationship - It was SUCH a hard thing to go from living with someone from I was 16-21 and then to being single, basically for the first time ever. I still remember the crazy feelings of freedom/complete panic/loneliness/"WHAT HAVE I DONE!".
At some point I decided that I needed to find peace with myself. I did stuff that I've never/rarely done before:
-Went for walks alone (podcasts are awesome for this, you don't need silence to be alone!)
-Went to museums alone and wrote notes/sketched (a lot of places have small stools that you can borrow for sketching)
-Went to the movies alone. I actually got dressed up quite a few times and went on a date with myself.
-Made a list of books that I wanted to read and subjects I wanted to study and actually did it. Books can be the most amazing distraction/mind opening thing.
-Got in contact with friends who lived abroad and visited them. A lot of people are cool with letting you sleep on the couch - way more people than can deal with having a couple staying. Take advantage of it. Plane tickets can be pretty cheap and if you've got a place to crash and cook a bit, a trip abroad can be a pretty doable thing, even without a lot of cash.
-I spent a lot of time sorting through my stuff and giving stuff away that I didn't need and went to flea markets and antique shops to buy stuff I actually loved.
-I made super extravagant dinners JUST FOR ME. There is just something so great about cooking for several hours and then eat it while reading articles online/watching a movie.
-Swimming! Swimming can be really awesome. Especially if there is a sauna for afterwards. Actually all sorts of physical things that make you feel awesome - massages, yoga, running, a good soak in the tub with plenty of bath salts.. Treat yourself. Get a super delicious moisturizer and body lotion. Get a haircut. There is something so.. grounding and calming about being physical and treating yourself.
-Projects. Any type: art projects, writing, getting involved with someone local doing something cool; urban gardening, an improv group, whatever you're into. This is also an excellent way of making new, awesome, single friends!
-Signing up for classes. Learn something new and cool!


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 8:06 am 
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Dr Bronners, MD
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smoothie's right -- couch visiting (or, inviting yourself into someone's cabin/tent/wherever on nature adventures) is awesome with friends when you're single. i forgot how often i'd done that.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 9:22 am 
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Moving To Sheepshead Bay
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I am interested in couch visiting. I love to travel. I get some anxiety about asking someone if I can couch surf, though, mostly because the people I know in other places are PPKers that I've never met irl!

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 9:31 am 
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Banned from Vegan Freaks.
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I love that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. If I want to go camping last minute I just pack up and go. I am not obligated to do anything someone else's friends or family have planned for us. My being probably above average selfish I think makes me very good at being single. I never need a cart at the grocery store.

I'm too good at being single sometimes and as a result go through long dry spells which are emotionally challenging.

oddspongeout wrote:
I don't know how to make friends as an adult.


This is me. What is worse is that I am currently going through a phase of growing away from my friends and family. They just aren't into the same things that I am into and I am not into the same things that they are into. Being introverted means I am not making new friends to replace them let alone pursuing a romantic interest. It sucks being a guy that has no idea how to meet women and now I am stuck not knowing how to make new friends. Sometimes I think it must be so much easier to be a woman in this case as you don't even have to try, guys come to you. But then women have to deal with all of the creepers and shady, inappropriate solicitations (i.e. texts in the middle of the night).

So in the meantime I am burying myself in remodeling my house waiting for summer because it is so much easier for me to be single in the summer. Winter crushes me mentally, summer is like escaping from prison.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 9:32 am 
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Not single, but I LOVE this thread! One of my favourite things to do is actually eat alone in a restaurant. I usually bring a book with me, and it feels like such a treat to just sit and enjoy a meal JUST FOR ME...and not be distracted by someone else. Also museums/galleries by myself is so lovely, I can get really wrapped up into what I'm looking at and not worry about having to share the experience with someone else. I'd also love to try travelling by myself. For the same reasons: getting to experience something without having the interference of someone else's wishes/desires/likes/dislikes. It sounds so awesome and I've made it clear to my spouse I intend to do that.

Being single means you get to take advantage of all of these amazing things whenever you choose. Which is super awesome.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 2:38 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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allularpunk wrote:
I am interested in couch visiting. I love to travel. I get some anxiety about asking someone if I can couch surf, though, mostly because the people I know in other places are PPKers that I've never met irl!


If you ever wanna come to Seattle, I've got a sofa, a puppy, and an affectionate cat. An old PPKer has stayed with me and can vouch for my awesome tour-guideyness. I also love road trips to Portland. For future reference.

eta: in fact, my profile photo is from that very same road trip to Portland with him!

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:00 pm 
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Could probably offer Portland couch space (depending on dates).

When I became single a couple of years ago, I really loved the new free time I had. Like you, I'd been carrying around a huge burden in the form of worrying about and compensating for another person's moods and schedule, so I felt like I had so much more time when it was lifted. I did a lot of the stuff you'e doing, like happy hours and social stuff with friends without having to worry about fitting it in with someone else's schedule, watching whatever the damn hell stupid tv I wanted, eating whatever I felt like whenever was best for my schedule, etc.. That was great.

Other than that, I mostly just really enjoyed the time and mental energy to really throw myself into my hobbies and interests. I spent a lot of time riding and racing bikes and getting to know a lot of people in the cycling community. I didn't have to temper my interest, reduce the time I spent on my sport, or deal with balancing my riding with the unhealthy stuff my ex wanted to do.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:32 pm 
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I have a guest room in Chicago that you could stay in! And if I'm still at the same job by the time the weather is nice enough for any reasonable person to want to come visit Chicago, then I can get you into the Field Museum for free, and any of the art museums or other museums if you want to go to those on a day that I can also go.


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:07 pm 
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I had a big stretch of being single for like four years, which was really really good for me. I had a lot of self esteem issues that really made it hard for me to stick up for myself in relationships, and I dates some guys who really took advantage of that. I really needed the time to work on that, and base my self worth on anything other than a man.

So in that time, I got a handle on my mental health issues, I went vegan, I volunteered at a rape crisis centre (which was soooo rewarding and I got a lot out of it) I went back to school, volunteered at my campus women's centre and made so many friends, connected with other feminists, I taught myself how to knit and crochet, I got a job that I enjoyed and rarely called in sick (because of my mental health, I took a lot of sick days in previous jobs), and most of all I really began to value my independence. I can honestly say the fear of being alone does not keep me in bad relationships, platonic or romantic. I think it would be hard to grow that much if I had one of my ex's around, they wouldn't like how I was growing and changing.

One thing I really miss about home is going for coffee early in the morning. There was a place that had booths next to a huge window that overlooked the harbour, and I'd bring a book but also watch the ships. I'd sometimes stay for a few hours reading, and then walk home and take my time if the weather was nice. In the summer I'd take long walks around a lake, and feed ducks. I even took up birdwatching for a little bit; I honestly only stopped because a coworker was REALLY into birdwatching and would only ever talk to me about it, and he bored me too tears XD he would take pictures of the same bird at slightly different angles, and show me each and every one.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:25 pm 
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Has Isa on speed dial
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I've been single for about a year now, and I'd be lying if I said I love it. But y'all are right, it does have it's moments. I like not feeling obligated to spend my nights and weekends with someone, especially if there's other stuff I might want to do. And now that I think about it, I don't know if I would have made the jump to vegan if I wasn't single. The stress of knowing someone else would need to accommodate my diet when picking restaurants or whatever probably would have gotten in the way.

This tread is inspiring me to take more advantage of my singledom, though. You all make being single sound awesome.


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:25 pm 
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I am often single and haven't had a long-term partner. Things I do-I've developed some really good friendships with non-coupled people through various avenues. I've gone to some meet ups for interests I have, I throw myself into a couple of groups that I belong to. I go for hikes with friends, cook when I want to, eat cereal for dinner if I want (or cupcakes!). I have a gym routine that takes some time every week. I really enjoy the evenings alone or just with quiet roommates.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:27 pm 
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Moving To Sheepshead Bay
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Thanks for the couch offers, guys! I have vacation time that I'm planning to use over the summer, and it's nice to know that I have options. Although I was also thinking of taking a week to hike a leg of the Appalachian Trail. We'll see how I feel once the time draws closer.

Right now Sundays are the hardest for me, because those were the days that I would spend my entire day with my ex, and I always looked forward to that. Luckily, there are yoga classes that I can take to break up my day (I have been doing an obscene amount of yoga in the past three weeks), so today I did that and then came home and did some laundry and then made up some lunches for the week. I could see that becoming an ok routine while it's still cold and shitty outside. Like craiger_ny, I hate life in the winter anyway because I get seasonal affective crud and outside is just the worst when it's cold. I'm excited for more outdoors adventures once it warms up. T wasn't really into doing anything outside other than drink booze on a bar patio or go to our friend's pool (things I also like, but I like to switch it up). Now that I have all of this TIME, it will be nice to explore and take walks and go swimming in the lake whenever I want.

I'm actually pretty ok with being alone right now. I spent more time alone while he and I were dating than I ever have before in my life, so I was pretty prepared for it. I don't feel a frantic need to be with someone/anyone right now. Although my yoga instructor is trying to play matchmaker with me and a man who comes to class, so maybe eventually you'll hear me fretting about how fancy everyone in his Facebook photos looks and how I am so not fancy. But not yet.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 8:06 pm 
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Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
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I want to echo movies alone and couch surfing!!

I've been single (with the occasional 2-3 week fling) for more than a year. I have less trouble than most people being single I think, maybe because of my crazy schedule and my aggressively independent demeanor, but i really dig alone time.

Anyway, this past summer I spent about 3 months just staying with friends and living out of my car. no way I could have done that with a partner. first, my friends have small places and couches etc, and second, no bickering, no one else's shiitake to deal with! it was great!
I also really enjoy right now:
-peeing with the door open
-all the shower space is mine
-going to coffee shops and sitting around reading or people watching or talking to strangers
-being able to stay in the studio until whatever hour and not having to explain where I am to anyone
-actually, being fully in charge of my own schedule in general
-not worrying about other people re:food
-buying flowers for myself
-specifically the movie thing: going to movies that other people think are dumb


I am lucky have really lovely and amazing friends so loneliness doesn't come for me as often as it would without them, but it does sometimes, and I am learning to just let it pass instead of (as I used to) going out and having sex with people I didn't really like that much.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 9:56 pm 
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I can't be as spontaneous as I used to be with a part-time dog, or even one small full-time dog, cause now I have two full timers and a grumpy old part-timer! That said, it's nice to make plans without checking with anyone else first.

Another thing I enjoy about being single is making the penne vodka from V'con. My past two serious relationships have been with acid reflux sufferers, and I could never make that for dinner because it gave them both bad heartburn.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:04 am 
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craiger_ny wrote:
Sometimes I think it must be so much easier to be a woman in this case as you don't even have to try, guys come to you. But then women have to deal with all of the creepers and shady, inappropriate solicitations (i.e. texts in the middle of the night).


So not true. At least in my case. I've never been hit on. I guess I'm thankful that I've not encountered the creepers, either, then.


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 4:31 am 
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booberthefraggle wrote:
I also really enjoy right now:
-peeing with the door open

how angry am I right now that I can't do that?

maybe I'll just do it anyway

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures in Singledom
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 5:11 am 
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When I was single, I loved the feeling of freedom. Anything felt possible, I could do things MY way, I could be spontaneous and adventurous without inconveniencing a partner... it can be amazing.

Having 100% control over decorating your home is a big plus, too; you want glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling or a red shag rug? Your call. You'd like a completely stark minimalist apartment? Your call.

Single people can take on self-improvement experiments or reform their habits without having to work around a partner's needs or preferences.

You can shave your head without people asking 'but does your husband like it??!'

There's a LOT of emotional labor in a partnership; anticipating your partner's needs, reactions, and moods, compromising all the livelong day. Singledom gives you the space to figure out what YOU need and what YOU want from your life.

There's a book by Barbara Feldon (who played Agent 99 in the original Get Smart) called "Living Alone and Loving It; a Guide to Relishing the Solo Life" that I remember liking. You can read excerpts on Amazon.

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