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 Post subject: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:20 pm 
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Not NOT A Furry
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How to be monogamous when you aren't.

Find someone you love. Love them. Make sure they're intensely monogamous (or this won't work).

Try bringing up the idea of polyamory in a few ways, first try the idea of a threesome before you know what polyamory really is, have that trashed and promise never to bring it up again for the mental health of your partner. Wait a year. Try bringing up the thought again as you see friends delving into poly and leading really fulfilled lives. Have that quashed as well. Try and change yourself all the time so that you aren't wanting more than one relationship.

Try having friendships so deep they're like relationships. Ultimately find a friend that you love intensely, If this friend is asexual you have a really good avenue into the idea of poly relationships with your totally mono partner. Delude yourself into thinking that its just the sex they're worried about.

Try bringing it up a third time, have them respond better than ever before. Spend two days on cloud nine before it all comes crashing down and you realize that your primary (and only) partner really doesn't get it and never will. Have to break your friend's heart and your own as you both decide that your partner's well being is still worth more.

Push that side of yourself away forever because you know that without that person as your primary partner, polyamory wouldn't really be worth it....

Sorry... I'm really heart broken and don't have a better way to explain it without bursting into tears in front of my partner (who doesn't think anything is wrong, and can't think anything is wrong or our whole relationship won't work anymore)...

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:26 pm 
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Sorry Nickalya, that sounds really hard.

Do you think there is any way to have a real conversation about opening up your relationship? It sounds like you're not feeling heard and that so far you've tried to have the conversation, but have been shut down either by him getting upset, feeling threatened or then opting for just not "getting it."

It seems to me that unless you actually have the conversation and then either you choose to be monogamous (rather than being forced into it by your partner's refusal to engage) or decide to renegotiate the parameters, this situation isn't going to be tenable, if it is continuing to cause you so much unhappiness for three years.

Good luck finding a resolution <3

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:38 pm 
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Can you say everything you said in your post to your partner?

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:48 pm 
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Its a one or the other situation.

He won't do it, he won't bear me doing it. What he needs is to know that he is the most important person in my life and without monogamy from me, he doesn't see that he is. If I said everything I've said here to him, he would probably just break off our relationship for fear of holding me back.

And he is, but I just want him to let go part way not all the way. Every time I try to open up my heart and love like I really want to, he gobbles it up and it has some strange effects on me.

For one, the first time that he shut down my hopes for a poly relationship (I didn't even know the term poly at that time) soon after my sex drive literally died. Its like I just put a repressive lid on it as if that might stop me from wanting more and it has been sort of a recurring theme in me that my sex drive starts going again and I start wanting poly things. It's not sex, I've shelved the idea of sex with multiple partners a long time ago.

Its relationships with people. Dates and just love. Loving many people. I love my friends (who would ideally become my lovers) intensely. I have feelings towards my friends (not just sexual) that most people seem to only have for their lover. I love my partner and I love my friends, they're different but equal.

The notion of equality is what he doesn't understand. He could have a threesome happily, but because he sees that other person as a sex toy, and I see them as a lover, and we both know how the other views it, we won't ever have that.

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:53 pm 
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Sorry, Nickalya. That's tough. Unfortunate in your situation, just like you can't help feeling like you want poly things, some people are just wired for monogamy. I don't think it's something you can really change. Either way, it sounds like someone is going to be compromising and doing something that makes them less than happy. I wish you the best.

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 7:06 pm 
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Ouch! I'm sorry you're going through so much. I've tried this from the other direction, as someone monogamous in a relationship with someone poly. I knew he wouldn't change and I didn't expect him to. In the end I was the one who had to acknowledge that I couldn't do it. I wasn't getting enough time and attention, even though I knew how much he loved me and didn't doubt it for a second. It just took its toll, you know? It's a basic compatibility issue, even if everything else is great.

Have you looked at poly forums? I recommend Polyamorous Percolations. I only lurked there, but I found it pretty helpful.

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 7:12 pm 
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Oh Dr. Apricot, I'm so sorry that you ever had to deal with that. I have some friends that do poly activism in Victoria (provincial capital in BC), and I've spilled my heart out to one of them but she doesn't do well in text, she promised to come up to see me though. I too shall lurk I think there.

I didn't mean to sound like I think monogamy is bad, if I thought there was something wrong with monogamous people I wouldn't be so bothered by my partner... and I'd let him go on thinking he's broken for being monogamous at heart. But I couldn't bear that.

Being a grown up with grown up desires and responsibilities isn't fun.

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 8:28 pm 
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Actually it looks like he finally does understand what poly is, and it looks like I'm about to lose him...

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 8:41 pm 
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I'm sorry Nikayla. I would suggest telling us what you told him that polyamory wouldn't be worth it without him.

It is a hard thing but you have to choose polyamory or him and he has to choose monogamy or you. Do you think you could be happy in a monogamous relationship for years to come?

For me, it'd be a simple choice, I love my husband very much but if he said he wanted a polyamourous relationship, I would wish him lots of luck but that it wouldn't be for me.

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 8:44 pm 
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I told him that, I chose him...

He just might not want to be with me anymore because I have feelings that I don't act on...

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 8:47 pm 
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Nickalya wrote:
I told him that, I chose him...

He just might not want to be with me anymore because I have feelings that I don't act on...


Lots of monogamous people have feelings they don't act on. It's part of the human condition! You don't turn a blind eye to the world just because you're in a relationship! It's your actions that count.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 9:07 pm 
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Oh Nickalya, I'm so sorry. This sounds very difficult, but maybe splitting up is what you two need to do. You have discovered that you are poly, something you didn't know existed, let alone about yourself, when the two of you met. He is resolutely monogamous. It doesn't mean you can't ever see each other again, or be friends, it just means you each have different needs from each other and there is no such thing as a compromise that will truly satisfy both of you.

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 11:52 pm 
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Oh gosh. I get so sad when I hear about people in this situation. I'm pretty well hard-wired for polyamory, I can't really imagine ever being in a monogamous relationship, but for me I know that well enough about myself that I wouldn't even seriously act on an attraction to someone without knowing that they were okay with that.

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 Post subject: Re: Monogamy 101
PostPosted: Sun Nov 28, 2010 12:55 am 
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I did consider pming you Choirqueer when I looked to see if we have a poly thread and found only you referring to it in another thread, I'm pretty wired for polyamory as well, but I started dating the most wonderful person before I knew what poly was (or what it might mean for me. Now I'm pretty much invested in him, and he's worth it (for me). He is.

Post cap for the past few hours, partner came home after a jazzy night of crying at the coffee shop and talked to me. He understands about what I am, and I (already did) understand about what he is.

Losing him this way would have been something I would have regretted for the rest of my life. I'm really glad it didn't happen.

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