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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2016 9:31 pm 
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And you never will.
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Oh my god, I've apparently been functioning in some sort of bubble of emotional detachment for the last week, because it's starting to wear off and I am feeling so many feelings right now. I am being crushed by feelings. Make them stop.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:29 am 
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PB, I am so sorry but also glad to hear you are getting shiitake sorted. I wish you all the gumption you can handle.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 7:58 pm 
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Poopie, you are a strong woman and you will get through this, but that doesn't mean you have to feel strong or act strong all the time. Those feelings suck but there's not really any substitute for feeling them. I hope you have someone to hug you irl when you're feeling them too much. <3

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 10:35 pm 
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After what you've gone through the last few months, it makes perfect sense that you would have been somewhat mentally shielded from the initial shock! I hate that you have to feel the feels now. So many hugs, and also +1 to above comments.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 08, 2016 1:22 pm 
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I'm thinking about money too much today. Wallowing in self-pity or something. I'm acutely aware that I'm better off than SO many people who really struggle, but I guess I feel entitled to cable TV or a house or any other thing I don't have/can't afford. I used to just think "I'm young and things will get easier as salaries go up and debts go down," but really my costs have increased as I get older and my standard of living remains PB&J at my desk for lunch every day.


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2016 11:38 pm 
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FootFace wrote:
My feelings, you guys. I'm still having them. I have rediscovered this neighborhood near mine, and there's something about it that transports me to my childhood on the other side of the country. The houses look different. The streets are different. But there's something in the atmosphere there, a kind of prosperous orderliness. I can't stay away. I keep going on walks there and just... soaking up the mood. I'm reminded so strongly of my youth when I'm there. It doesn't make any sense to me, and I'm not sure why I want these feelings and seek them out. Tonight I went there after dark and felt this sense and muscle memory of walking at night in the summer as a teenager. Sliding uphill through the greasy, muggy Maryland nights. Composing poems about my unimportant, ordinary life. And now, 30 years later, looking back is really painful. I'm not happy about how I've constructed (or failed to construct) my life. Do I want to be that eighteen-year-old again? No. And thinking of him now—carrying decades of squandered opportunities and the accumulated failures of everyday living—makes me really sad. But I'll probably go back to that neighborhood. One other thing: before the kid was born, maybe fifteen years ago, Mrs. Face and I used to go walking, and there was this one cat who lived by this beautiful community garden. We used to walk up there a few times a week and see him. He was a fixture of the neighborhood. As I was out walking tonight, I remembered him, and I thought how sad it was that he was surely dead. It just more fuel for my self-indulgent little pity party. Well, I saw him. Same house. Same name tag. He's still around and I had a nice little visit with him.


Spring is here, so the Wallow has begun. I just got back from my first nighttime walk of the year in this neighborhood. It still makes me feel full and sad.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2016 6:29 am 
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I think I can empathise with some of the sad feelings, Footface. I often feel sad looking back on my youth, thinking about the atmosphere, landscape, etc. It's nice that the cat is still around.

I feel so positive at the moment and it's been going on for a few weeks. I'm secretly steeling myself for a problem to crop up, as this is highly unusual, but otherwise I'm thoroughly enjoying this. I've been being creative, active and have lots of energy. A total turnaround from last year's injured, frustrated, tired feelings.


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2016 10:00 am 
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Flat Chesty McNoBoobs
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I'm giving you supportive and understanding internet shoulder pats, Footie.

Here are my feelings:

My therapist wants me to cry. I started seeing her after it became clear that the feelings I had after learning I'm, uh, barren aren't just going to resolve themselves and go away. We sometimes talk about fertility stuff and sometimes talk about other stuff. I like her a lot. Last week, a bunch of (relatively small) things happened that made me feel angry and sad about my fertility stuff, so I talked to her about it, and I almost cried talking about it, but I didn't. After our conversation, she said she thought I should let myself cry about it. It's not like I stop myself from crying constantly. I just don't really feel like blubbering about it. Mostly, I want to put all these stupid feelings behind me, which I understand is sort of denial, I guess, but my feeeeeeeeling is that isn't being diagnosed with a condition that renders me unable to have kids and also requires monitoring and medical care until I'm in my 60s and increases my risk for all kinds of other health problems and has generally shitty side effects enough? It's unfair and stupid that on top of just dealing with the physical stuff, I have to wade through all these stupid emotions too. This is made doubly hard by the fact that I don't know anyone else with this condition, and it's so incredibly isolating.

In sum: Ugh. Feelings. Booo.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2016 8:30 pm 
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[quote="jordanpattern”] . . .also requires monitoring and medical care until I'm in my 60s and increases my risk for all kinds of other health problems and has generally shitty side effects enough? [/quote]

I cried silently during yoga today. Because I have a situation whereby my hormones are completely forked and I just have to live with it. I can’t do anything to ease the fact that I have no testosterone because anything that could possibly ease that would increase my cancer recurrance risk. Or anything to mitigate the hot flashes. Or the feeling like total shiitake most of the time.

Crying helped.

I know it is not the same and I am heartbroken for you.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2016 12:34 am 
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Thanks, sZ. I'm sorry about your hormones. I know how frustrating it is to have them out of whack.

*fist bump of empathy*

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2016 12:11 pm 
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My physical health has been sucking and I'm feeling it so hard, emotionally. I am just so frustrated and feel so defeated by everything.
I basically can't stop crying and I hate it if people see me cry. I barely stopped myself from going full-blubber in front of my boss and I hate myself for it.

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Well! Fruit is stupid! These onions taste nothing like fruit! - allularpunk
Dwarf-tossing for God: A Story of Hope - Invictus
I got your blood sausage right here, baby. - Desdemona


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2016 6:00 am 
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My therapist told me crying triggers something in the brain that releases feelings of ecstasy. He was just making it up because he loves making stupid shiitake up to entertain me, but I get how that could be a thing! Hope you feel better soon JoPa and I'm glad you have a great therapist.


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2016 6:01 am 
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Moon wrote:
My physical health has been sucking and I'm feeling it so hard, emotionally. I am just so frustrated and feel so defeated by everything.
I basically can't stop crying and I hate it if people see me cry. I barely stopped myself from going full-blubber in front of my boss and I hate myself for it.

NO SHAME in crying! Crying is brave. You are letting yourself feel shiitake.


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 12, 2016 12:10 am 
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I just feel sad for no good reason.

Well, maybe an okay reason if you get abstract about it. I did just recently have to start working again after taking 3 weeks of sick leave off to care for my out-of-state-surguried-upon-boyfriend. So, like, not a vacation, but... not working at a job I have grown to loathe.

But I loathe my job for no good reason. Seriously, for so many people this would be a dream job.

I just... feel so done working for... basically anybody but my own self, I think.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 12, 2016 12:26 am 
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vijita wrote:
Moon wrote:
My physical health has been sucking and I'm feeling it so hard, emotionally. I am just so frustrated and feel so defeated by everything.
I basically can't stop crying and I hate it if people see me cry. I barely stopped myself from going full-blubber in front of my boss and I hate myself for it.

NO SHAME in crying! Crying is brave. You are letting yourself feel shiitake.


I always feel so brave when I cry. It's kinda scary for me sometimes, but very very slowly I am getting better at it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2016 8:22 am 
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And you never will.
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I had to cut someone who was toxic out of my life a couple of weeks ago. Many mutual friends have assured me it was the right thing to do, and I know they're right. But I still care about them and they're going through a really, really tough time right now, and I can't stop thinking/worrying about them. But I can't text to find out how they are because boundaries. It's giving me a lot of really difficult feelings.

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Sometimes I think, it's really my lack of cybernetic implants that keeps me from being truly human. - Mars
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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2016 9:27 am 
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Flat Chesty McNoBoobs
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I'm sorry, PB. Hugs to you.

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These shitbirds should pay for their own elections if they aren't going to be obligated by any democratic pretense. - Mumbles
Don't you know that vegan meat is the gateway drug to chicken addiction? Because GMO and trans-fats. - kaerlighed


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2016 6:46 pm 
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My sister, Who is visiting from out of town with my mother, threw a major hissy fit today because she didn't get what she wanted for lunch. This is a 35-year-old woman! I'm embarrassed because my friend is coming over tonight and I don't want her to meet my sister when she's in this mood. I feel like it reflects poorly on me, even though it's my sister acting out, not me.


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2016 10:05 pm 
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Heeeerrrrree's JACKY!
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I'm feeling very scared right now. Surgery could have me losing a lot. Not just health-wise, but my shop, and my paid job. And honestly... surgery is about the scariest thing I can think of. I know it's not. But it still is.
And none of my friends are wanting to let me talk about it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2016 12:56 am 
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Surgery is definitely scary, no matter what the specifics are. Whether we "should" be scared of it, it's scary!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2016 11:29 pm 
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kfad wrote:
I'm feeling very scared right now. Surgery could have me losing a lot. Not just health-wise, but my shop, and my paid job. And honestly... surgery is about the scariest thing I can think of. I know it's not. But it still is.
And none of my friends are wanting to let me talk about it.

Talk about it to us! (I know, you have been, and it's not the same as in-person... but please rant more if you feel like it might help!)

The last surgery I had, I was pretty scared to book it, for so long I put it off. And of course, the surgery itself was just fine and not scary or whatever! Now I have another surgery I need to book and it'll probably another year or two until I have the guts to book it... because I'm scared again! Even though I know I'll be fine! It's just... it's such a weird and scary concept, surgery.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2016 8:39 am 
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Heeeerrrrree's JACKY!
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Footface and Mars, thank you. I appreciate the validation and not a pat on the head and a "it's going to be okay"

Mostly I'm scared because even if the surgery goes well, it may do nothing for my health. That's a pretty big unknown and requires a lot of waiting and discomfort before we find out.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2016 10:43 pm 
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So much sadness. Family just visited for a few days and now they're back home. It's finally hitting me about how isolated I am. Between full time work & full time school I don't have time for friends or a social life. Loneliness is the pits.


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 3:16 am 
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I'm having a lot of found family v. ~biological~ family feelings today and mostly I feel like I shouldn't complain because they could be so much worse but I just feel a lot of feelings about how much I love my friends and chosen family and how supportive and lovely everyone is and then my actual family falls short of that? I don't know.

I had this weird morning where I talked to my mom at 10am and I updated her on my life or whatever and then felt really shitty after talking to her because 1.) she yelled at me for being a terrible daughter over the fact that I didn't respond to her facebook message while I was actively at work and Lard knows but I can't swing a guilt trip before noon honestly and 2.)she has this way of somehow making me feel like I should be ashamed of my good days/any success because she is unhappy in her own life and that I am not allowed to be sad about anything because her life is worse than mine etc and then one hour later my former boss/current mentor/friend (who is a good 20yrs older than me and sort of a cool aunt/art mom figure in my life) skype called me to catch up and I updated her on my life and she just was like "oh man look at you! I'm so excited for you living your art life! I'm so glad." and I cried after we hung up because i needed to hear that so badly.

and like, I have so many of these lovely kind attentive friends who do things like bring me fresh juice and remember that I have a tattoo-specific savings fund and stir my peanut butter because I hate doing it and laugh at my stupid "ghost boyfriend" jokes and I love them and I cook for them and we hang out and watch movies and go for walks and work in cafes and I went to a party a couple weeks ago and fell asleep on the couch cuddling two cats and they all just hung out around me and pet the cats while I drifted in and out and didn't give me any shiitake for it because they know. and they all respect me not drinking and don't bring alcohol to my house or EVER pressure me to go to bars or anything and one of my friends learned how to bake a vegan cake just so she could make me something and not a single one of them has ever told me i was terrible of guilt tripped me or tried to manipulate me in any way at all and I just..
I'm so GRATEFUL that the people outside of my immediate family have been so good to me? literally from the second I left my mother's house as a teen I have been befriended and loved and supported unconditionally by people who have no blood relation to me, no obligation to me. across literally half a dozen states and half a dozen cities I have found people who are so good and kind and I just have so many feeling. If strangers hadn't been so nice to me I don't know what kind of person I would have ended up. I still am so surprised that people want to be anywhere near me because I was taught from a young age that I was a selfish and cruel? let alone care for me and selflessly root for my success.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2016 2:49 pm 
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I think my period is due or something. So emotional today. I'm just getting to the end of Brother, Dear Brother and it's so sad I've had watery eyes for the past 3 episodes. I don't know if I can handle any more. I feel embarrassed when TV shows make me cry, but they do it far more often than I like to admit.


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